I sent a letter to Cindi, my wife who is having an affair and is filing for Divorce. I told her I would forgive her. I asked if we could talk. I told her all about doing whatever she would want and said I was sorry for not meeting her emotional needs.<P>She sent this email back to me. Which is a good thing I think, she could have ignored it, but she chose to reply.<P>Can anyone tell me what they think she is feeling or saying with these words?<P>What stage of the Afair? Is she thinking sahe is in love with him? Did she just do it to hurt me? Help Please. Ask Questions and I will Answer. <P>**** HER EMAIL TO ME *****<P>Thank you for the letter. Yes, we do need to talk, but I don't think the outcome will be what you want. We do, however, need to make some immediate practical arrangements to deal with this situation. I will need to get some of my clothes and personal possessions from the house and I don't want any trouble doing it.<P>Secondly, please don't misunderstand the situation with Rick; he is not the cause or effect of our problems and its something separate from my relationship with you. I wanted to split a long time ago, but felt too trapped and unwilling to deal with the emotional turmoil to leave. This in itself was not fair to you and I should have been more honest. I should have insisted we wait to get married the night before we did, rather than caving into pressure that "things would be alright." I am very sorry that I did not listen to my heart then, it would have saved us both a lot of pain. But, looking at a situation with hindsight only give you what "might have been" and I think we need to deal with reality now.<P>Anyway, I need to get back to work, or I can't pay the bills. I will talk to you later. Cindi<BR>

I heard some of those same words from my x.<P>He said he didn't know how to get out of the marriage before the wedding. It was really tough to hear. I can't make that any easier but you aren't the first and you won't be the last.<P>Most of the time people can't be stopped once they decide to lay waste to their marriage. It's too bad they have to destroy their partners in the process. <P>I still say SAnon, a co-addict 12-step group I attended for a while, was excellent in helping me gain perspective on my xhusband's behavior. SAnon is a "family group" for people who have partners, friends, or other loved ones who are engaging in some form of sexaholic behavior which the attendee finds hurtful. SA for the sexaholic. The central office telephone #for SAnon is 615-833-3152. They can direct you to a group near you. It is recommended that you attend 6 meetings before you decide whether or not this is where you need to be. There shouldn't be a lot of "bashing" of the addict - we shared our experience, hope, and strength. I saw there that I wasn't alone.

I don't think she said these things to hurt you. It seems rather matter-of-fact and lacking in venom. I think it's just how she thinks she feels right now. It sounds like she's got her mind made up. I agree with Cinderella. When they get to this point, it seems that there is no stopping them, but who knows? Love works wonders.<P>She does sound like she is rationalising though. You know, the old "this would have happened anyway" bit. I think this is bunk and they know it on some level. They just can't stand to face what their actions really say about them, so they have to sugar coat it.<P>If it's any consolation, I think she is probably experiencing the same whirlwind of emotions you are. I know my H discounts everything I say because he's sure tomorrow it will be different. And often he is right!<BR>So, take heart. She may change her mind. You never know what small thing might make a big impact on our lives- a song, a book, a movie.

Labix,<BR>Unfortunetly, as long as she is in the affair, you can't really believe in what they say. All they know is that they have found the one true love of their life and they must leave us.<P>My x said pretty much the same things," I have been unhappy for 10 yrs." I would go to bed and cry myslef to sleep", " I was preparing to leave when Mike came along," " I was so unhappy because I could not make you happy." All of this was news to me.<P>The best thing to do is to hold on. Go to Plan A and work on winning her back. NSR will be along tommorrow and give you some links to read.<P>Hang in there, God Bless,<P>Bob

I basically agree with what the others have posted, but I think there is one thing here that you need to be careful of.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I will need to get some of my clothes and personal possessions from the house and I don't want any trouble doing it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This sounds like she may be setting you up for something. Have someone else there at the exchange, so she can not accuse you of DV or something like that.

Labix,<BR>Yep...been there, heard that. My H was supposedly miserable for the last 5 years of our marriage...coincidentally to me these were the BEST years of our marriage. We finally were on firm ground financially, we had bought a house, we weren't moving around the country all the time, our marriage (I thought) was better than ever. I think they just say this stuff to justify their rotten behavior. I honestly think your W is not in a position to patch things up at this point. If you still want her back, you need to read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. It will give you some survival tips. Also try reading "Divorce Busting" by Michelle Weiner-Davis. Although I was unable to save my marriage, they both helped me understand the pain you go through. You are not alone. I think betrayers share the same script because they all say the same basic things. Scary, huh?<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com