Married for nine years. Over the last few years, I Lost my self-esteem (my wife was not that interested in sex for many reasons),I have a young child (4). I didn't feel important and cheated on my wife with a close friend at work that I never thought I would have any feelings/attraction towards. <P>I told my wife after a month. She still wanted me, I flip flopped back and forth (I couldn't decide) and finally left. I knew it was a mistake after 3 days gone. I want her back desperately but she won't take me. Th divorce will be final soon and I don't know what to do.....<P>Please help!

Oooh, that's a tough one. I think if you really want her back you better make the strongest attempts now because time does change things. I would have taken back my x (he did the same thing you did and I have two kids - 3 and 5) if he had come back early on and was truly sorry, but now I wouldn't dream of it. Too much time has passed and it has only been 3 months. So much can happen in that time. I have already met someone who thinks I am great. It's hard to walk away from that now. Probably how you felt when you met the OW.<P>You may want to go to the Infidelity Boards or just read some of Harley's advice as to how to mend a marriage with these circumstances. It can be done and I wish you luck.<P>

Thanks for you help. I just not sure what to do. I told her I was wrong, that I'm sorry,I made a huge mistake. That I would change and do anything to be part of her life again. She says it's too late. I never stopped loving her and never told her that I didn't love her. She won't tell me that she doesn't love me anymore (I did ask her point blank). But I'm at a loss for what to do........

Guilty,<BR>Read all you can about Plan A... there is a brief discription here.... <P>If my X had wanted me back, and been willing to give up his Twinky from work I would have taken him back (not in a heartbeat, but with an agreement to really work on all the other things that were going on). <P>You might want to hunt up some of the Welcome wagon posts by NSR.... he give you links to info on this site. Also check out the Plan A/ Plan B section of the infedility fourm here.<P>Thougths & Prayers (and lots of good wishes),<BR>Butterfly<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

I think my H felt the same way early on, but didn't make enough CONSISTENT effort to make me believe it. He said he loved me and wanted to change, but didn't live it. I think if you totally commit yourself to it NOW, you have a chance. The more time that passed with my H living his lies and doing things that created more distance between us, the harder it became. You really have to put your heart and soul into this and follow the Plan A outlines. Don't stop believing. You have love and memories on your side.

Welcome <B>guiltyashell</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>There are a few who don't want our divorces to go through...<BR>You're a wayward spouses... I'm a betrayed...<P>If you really love your W... the divorce will not make that much of a difference...<BR>...what you can do is start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<P>Briefly... from the book... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html" TARGET=_blank>angry outbursts</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html" TARGET=_blank>selfish demands</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html" TARGET=_blank>annoying behavior</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html" TARGET=_blank>dishonesty</A> (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> (page 77 of SAA) that is...<BR><OL TYPE=1><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexual Fulfillment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html" TARGET=_blank>Conversation</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html" TARGET=_blank>Recreational Companionship</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html" TARGET=_blank>Honesty and Openness</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html" TARGET=_blank>An Attractive Spouse</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>Financial Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html" TARGET=_blank>Domestic Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html" TARGET=_blank>Family Commitment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html" TARGET=_blank>Admiration</A></OL><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Do get the book...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>!<P>Read and post and ask frequently...<P>There are never any guarantees...<BR>...but you really should give it a try!<P> <P>Jim

NSR is right, <BR>First, educate yourself on what has happened, and get a plan in place to try to restore your marriage. The best book on the subject which has concrete ideas on what to do is "Surviving an Affair". You can order itoff the site here. Follow it, find some counseling on the subject. The telephone counsleing from Steve Harley is excellent. <P>Make sure your effort towards your wife are sincere, and good luck!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by popeye:<BR><B>I think my H felt the same way early on, but didn't make enough CONSISTENT effort to make me believe it. He said he loved me and wanted to change, but didn't live it. I think if you totally commit yourself to it NOW, you have a chance. The more time that passed with my H living his lies and doing things that created more distance between us, the harder it became..</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Popeye,<P>Are you sure we aren't married to the same H? I see similaries in others' stories, but your words are always like they came out of my mouth.<P>Hang in there. Life will be beautiful again.<P>2sad

Guilty,<P>I don't know that anything I can say will be any better advice than any of the others, but you have to know that many of us here have wanted to hear the very things you are saying to your W. My H's affair started over a year ago and we've been separated since January and I still want to hear him say he wants to come back and that he made a mistake. My gut feeling is that your W is gun-shy. She probably doesn't trust you and is afraid to open her heart again. I would like for you to e-mail me at my address below. There are some things I want to discuss with you that I can't really post here. Would you do that?<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Show your wife how much you want her back. If there are things you know she needs or wants try to supply them. Go to therapy on your own and tell her about it. Tell her you are willing to sign a contract with her that will guarantee that you don't mess up again etc. This is not as uncommon or horrendous as she thinks it is. I know that it can be a traumatic experience for many, but we can all grow from our mistakes if we are ready to learn. Show her how ready you are and how you will never let her down in a big way again. Send her gifts and cards or whatever she appreciates most..do this continuously. Ask her to hold off the divorce and give it 1 month. Afterall, it would be stupid to get divorced and then find out that it wasn't necessary. To forgive is divine.