<B>WHAT I WROTE TO THE WIFE ON SATURDAY BEFORE I LEFT FOR A 24-HR. TRIP:</B><P>Wife,<P>I don't know if I am being a coward or what by not waiting to see you and say this, and instead e-mailing you (where has our communication, sincerity and trust gone......?)<P>I <B>LITERALLY</B> cannot go on like this. I feel like we are both lying to Daughter by pretending that everything is OK. SHE KNOWS IT IS NOT OK (remember that day about 2 weeks when we hugged, how she looked at us and came right to us to be part of the hug?). I LOVE YOU. I no longer know if I always will but I do now, but this love is slowly fading as (to me) you don't seem to care how I feel or what I think; you probably do, but I don't see it. You still don't see anything wrong with Daughter spending time with the originally "other person" in our relationship.<P>It is not about being lesbian or not, it's about ANOTHER PERSON. How can we ever be able to be honest & open with her about us/lesbianism/other people/etc. if currently can't even inform her that her "perfect little family" as you once called it no longer exists?<P>Wife: We need to tell her <B>ASAP!!! </B> We need to do it <B>BEFORE</B> the trips, so she can start getting used to the idea that it's OK to have divorced parents.<P>Re: Moving out. <B>I INSIST</B> that it has to be you <B>JUST BECAUSE</B> you are walking out of the marriage- IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LESBIANISM. I admire your balls (so to speak) to do what you are doing, but I think that because Daughter is so sensitive it would be too much for her to endure both our news and your new relationship at the same time. PLUS, you'll need time to adjust (<B>S**T</B>- you need to have a honeymoon) and settle down, assuming that she moves down here as you say. Later? We will all (the 3 of us, and I guess Lover will have a say too) decide.<P>One of the reasons to accept being nominated for the Realtors National Board is that you'll have more time with her- and <B>I KNOW</B> that she will be with Lover too, but after all she will be raised in a lesbian environment no matter where she spends the night, just because you and I, both, will continue to be part of her environment.<P>Think about it. I won't even re-read what I just wrote (it would take me 1 hour to edit it). If I said something stupid forgive me. I DO NOT want to deprive you of Daughter or deprive Daughter of her mother and I am very scared to not be able to live up to her/your/my own expectations if I turn out to be a single father. But at the same time the days go by and she is in limbo... she knows that something is wrong.- She needs to start knowing.<P><B>WHAT HAPPENED TODAY</B><P>She never answered the e-mail. Today over the telephone I insisted, she didn't want to talk, as always she didn't have time. Anyway I said that since it was over it was better for <B>everyone</B> to get over it and move on; I said that I was telling Daughter about our separation and I would like very much that she (Wife) would be there too.<P>A while later Wife called me and said that she had told Daughter; she arrived from school and found her crying so she told her about the separation (nothing else); she also told her that <B>most likely</B> I would be staying in the house with her. Daughter seems OK, but avoids the topic; she wants to know "when" this separation will take effect and "makes jokes" asking if it could possibly be in 1, 2, 10 or 20 years- not before. I think it hasn't sunk in her yet.<P><B>But</B> Wife looks very sad. I told her counselor to use any excuse to approach her; and if she argues that she doesn't have any money to tell her that it's on her (the counselor) & I'll pay for that session.<P>So that's that.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR><B>Live fully and always learn</B><p>[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited June 12, 2000).]

Alex,<BR>I think you have done the right thing in telling your d. You are right in that they know.<P>It also sounds like you have talked your w in to leaving your d and the house with you. I guess from my point of view, that is best.<P>It is scary, I sometimes sit back and look into the future and it scares me. Can I prepare my kids for the future by myself?<P>Of course, my x is still around, and she supplies some limited(very) help. But we have lots of friends who can help and I know I am not alone. <P>It pays to take things one day at a time. Don't worry about the future. Just worry about today.<P>Rely on the Lord and don't be afraid to ask for help. You can do it! Look at all the fine examples of other men raising kids, Bill, Jim, Chris, thl, and some others. Also look at the fine examples of women here who now in addition to raising their kids, have to go out and find work to support their families. At least we had jobs to begin with.<P>hang in there Alex, you can do this!!<P>Bob

Your wife sounds like many of the WS around here.<P>As RWD says, you can do it. I too think it is best for the wanderer to leave. They didn't want the responsibility, so let them have their fun.<P>Remember, we are all just a post away.

Today was a normal day in most ways: I got up with my daughter, had breakfast with her, prepared her lunch, took her to school, etc. Had an early appointment so I saw the wife only later at the office– about 15 minutes all together; I had a chance to take a break & come home to help the child with an "investigation" homework about dinosaurs (no, it wasn't about some politicians, she's only in first grade) before I left again for my last 2 meetings; the wife got home at around 7 so she was here before our daughter went to bed.<P>It's kinda sad, you know? I don't know when it's really going to sink in my daughter, probably during some holiday or something... I wanted her to learn about it during a weekend, so we would have time to talk it over and over again if she wanted to, but instead it happened in a school day, when she had to study for an exam, days when we barely see her. I know that I will have to change my schedule and work more from home in the afternoon, at least for some time.<P>The wife thinks that the child took it very well, I am not so sure if she is hiding her real feelings. She (my daughter) did tell me today that she is sad because of the separation, but (again) I couldn't spend too much time with her... they call it "quality time", but quality time is not enough for anyone (let alone an 8-year old) to get her feelings off her chest.<P>I do worry about the future, not in the long run but in the immediate future; I don't know where to go from here. God will tell.<P>Thank you, Bob and Grandpabri for your posts. My mother was also a single parent, so was the wife's, and her grandmother. I didn't want this for my child. I too had bought the idea of us being the "perfect couple" and us three "the perfect family". All that is history now. <P>Alex<P>------------------<BR><B>Live fully and always learn</B>

Oh Alex,<P>I hope everything works out for you....it is so sad when there are children involved.<P>I have an eight year old too...they ask alot of questions one minute and then they seem fine for a while. Our older one is the one that is very angry and upset. She detests her father....our 8 year old told me the other day that she is not happy about going on visitaion with her dad....doesn't want to go.....but, said that she is not going to let it stress her out. She knows the truth and he can lie to her all he wants. Kind of brought tears to my eyes......she is only 8...and should be doing kid things....not worrying about all of this crap.<P>Nancy

Alex...<P>My friend...<P>Honesty with everyone around our lives helps so much...<P>Your duaghter needed to hear the honest truth...<BR>...put into a language she could understand...<P>You know my take on this stuff...<P>Your heart has lead your the right way...<BR>Your mind has followed!<P>Keep the talking (with D) regualar and frequent...<BR>...her feelings will swing wildly at times...<BR>...having someone to listen to... (Just be talked at)... is going to be so important.<P>You're a great dad...<BR>You have her future in mind...<BR>...and with that... you'll be rewarded.<P>Prayers my friend... <P>Jim

Nancy,<P>Thank you. Everything will work out fine at the end. I truly believe that God and life never send us a pain that we can't overcome or a test that we can't pass. 8-year olds are great, aren't they? (and mine is about to finish 2nd grade- I mentioned 1st, she would say "oh, dad, you forgot something again").<P>Both the wife and I are concerned about our D's respect for her parents; this is based on a good relationship and yes, example. I don't know if my D will be her mother's judge in the future, but any judgement I wish will be based on good principles. The W is afraid that our D may hate her some day, or feel abandoned, or guilty for the separation. I am afraid that she will criticize on me what can be taken as lack of character. Fears... of the unknown.<P>Jim,<P>Yes my D needed to know, but we needed to be there longer: the W told her, they cried together, our D went upstairs to do her homework, I got there shortly after basically just to give her a hug and then left for a meeting, when I came back I helped her study for a test (she did great!) and talked about separation for about <B>only 5 minutes</B> before she went to sleep.<P>My fear is that she'll hide. Anyway she knows that she has me and she always will. The W is out tonight so again it's just the 2 of us. Tomorrow? it will be us, too: the W will be so busy arranging her "brave" new world that probably she won't visit everyday as she is promising now.<P>Prayers: yes, Jim, thanks. We need plenty of that.<P>***********************************************************************<P>But you know what? I am OK; I was preparing for this. Just remembered... I must call this counselor who my friends tell me specializes in children, <B>specially</B> to assist through divorce. Weird, no? so many broken marriages that even shrinks specialize in divorce.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR><B>Live fully and always learn</B><p>[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited June 14, 2000).]