Ok...He's finally done it! I am so angry at stbx I could spit nails!!! This weekend is Father's Day...right? Well, my kids are going on vacation with stbx's mother to Florida for a week. He is not going. I was invited, but I can't take off work right now. So anyway...they are leaving Sunday afternoon. This is H's weekend to have the kids. Well, he told me he can't have them this weekend since they'll be gone for a week I should have them. What?!?! Interpretation...H wants to play with OW this weekend and even though its Father's Day he is going to forfeit his weekend for HER!!!! Then he tells the kids he won't see them for 4 weeks!!! Is this the new math? Even if he forfeits this weekend, I have them the next, the one after that is only 3 weeks. It really p!sses me off that he is playing these stupid games. Regardless of whether he left me, I've always thought he was a good father. Now he's even shirking that responsibility. The kids had a lot of fun picking out special Father's Day cards for him (I let each one get him a special one for him). They are going to buy him a Home Depot gift certificate too. And he doesn't even want to see them!!! What a creep! My oldest son, who's 14, asked me last night why I was getting cards and gifts for their dad (from them) since H didn't take them to get me anything for Mother's Day. I told him that sometimes you just do things because it's the right thing to do - even if the other person has done something wrong. He makes me ILL!!!! How can he do this to them? How can he go a MONTH without seeing his kids? I can barely go the weekend. What a complete jerk. God, I am so mad!!!!!! Arggghhh!!!!!<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keridwen,<P>It seems sometimes the better parent you are... the worse they feel tey can be to counteract what you're doing.<P>My W too... skipped out on my d's getting an award... just so she wouldn't have to see me.<P>Yes..<BR>...you're doing the right thing in getting cards/gifts.<BR>...you're being the best mom there can be!<P>I'm sorry you have to go through all of this...<P>Praying for you <P>Jim

You deserve to be mad. You're right, he's a jerk. This point is not wasted on the children. Scale back on the gift certificates. You did well to tell the children that you do some things because they are right.<P>Can you guess why I call my x "What's his name"? I don't usually call him anything else. When I was journaling a lot, half the time I would write his name entirely in lower case letters. "What's his name" is as good as the man deserves. I will say though we do pretty well on the children though.

Y'know, it has only been three months for me, but I can barely get through a weekend when she has the kids too. Everyone is finding that I am a bear when the kids are not around.<P>She has had trouble with the weekend, too. Something always seems to come up. On MD, she was supposed to take them overnight, then called at the last minute and cancelled.<P>Should be interesting to see if she gets me a FD card. I got her a real nice MD card, in addition to cards from each of the kids, a card for her mother, etc.<P>We have what they call June gloom here in California. The weather report never seems to change this time of year. "Night and morning low clouds and fog." This could describe my stbx mind for the last 8 months.

My ex lives 2 miles away. He's seen his kids 4 or 5 times at the most in the last 1/2-yrs. Those times have only been for a couple of hours hear and there. Hasn't exercised his full visitation in a couple of years. His girlfiend doesn't want any part of his life before her. Heck, I can't wait to get home from work every night just to see the kido's! Even with this type of behavior he's still a hero in our 7 1/2 yr old daughter's eyes. Seems like there is a lot of parents out there that think nothing of going long periods of time without seeing their kids. So, does it get easier for them the longer they go or what? I always thought that after my ex has his 2 hr. dinner date with the kids it would remind him how wonderful they are and he'd start seeing them again. Nope. I don't even know if he WANTS to see them on Fathers Day. What gets difficult is trying to not be consumed by hate towards the ex when you are faced every day with the hell and pain they put their kids through.

My H has only had the kids for 2 weekends by himself in the last 8 months. Then he had the nerve to tell me I did not need a break since I only work part time. My kids are older 18, 15 and 12, but they have lots of friends come over ect (which is fine) but then there is more responsiblity and house work and food cost.<BR>He told me last week he wanted to go to some music festival this weekend and would be out of town.....so I guess he does not want to see his kids this weekend either. He did not see them last weekend and the weekend before he had eye surgery.........and the weekend before that...I could go on and on and on....<P>I am just trying to be the best mom I can be and get as much financially as I can for the kids. I am sure that I will be divorced in a couple of months, there is no turning my wayward H around....he is having too much fun. We will see how much fun he has when he has tons less spending money for O/W after he starts renting his own place..maybe that will be the wake up call.<P>Hang in there and just be the best you can be and always remember that your kids will always know it was YOU that was there for them.

Okay, I'm going to give a response that may not be that popular. Heads up, don't think I'm saying what your ex is doing is right, but try not to be so angry about it. As hard as everything is on you, it's also hard on him. He's going through his life seeing his children 4 days a month? With 26-27 days a month without them, it's easy to start feeling distant, unworthy, and as if he's not a good parent. Patience is learned, but it is also easily lost when you don't have practice. Not having the kids so much probably makes him quicker to fly off the handle and not handle problems the way he knows he should. This can help him justify not getting them. He feels more at ease and he thinks the kids are better for it. Deep down though, he knows he's not doing the right thing and hopefully he'll make up for it by getting them another time that you agree with. He loses if he doesn't see your children, but they will also suffer if they see it makes you so angry. Part of our job as custodial parents is to ease the pain of it, look at the bright side, make the other parent look good (because they've already seen how good that person doesn't look), and teach them not to weigh their worth on the fact that their father isn't seeing them. Tell them, it's not because he doesn't want to see you, it's just that sometimes things happen and change plans. We'll work something else out and do something special for him when he gets back. Why do you buy him cards for Father's Day? Not because it's right, but because he is their father and YOU know it. Even if he doesn't take the kids to get you a card, it's not a game to be won. Some people will never come around and admit it, but deep down they know when their ex is treating them and their children right. You are teaching your children that no matter what, their father is a part of all of your lives and that you appreciate his contribution to their lives (even if the only thing you can think of to appreciate is his sperm donation!!). If it weren't for him, they wouldn't be there and THEY are the best thing you'll ever do and ever have. You did the right thing getting him cards. The kids can give them to him when he gets back with smiles on their faces along with maybe some cookies or a cake that you all make together. Why? Because he's not just a father on Father's Day, but everyday. Make the most of it, cherish your children, and be the giving person that you obviously are. The kids can see what he's doing, but you have to teach them to not feel hatred about it. <BR> My ex does the same thing (doing it this week-end at the last minute as a matter of fact and I'm working 12 hours everyday). Does it anger me? Yes. Would it if I had notice? Probably, but not as much. Did I get a Mother's Day card? From my mother. Does it affect how I treat him? No way. He is who he is, and I just have to learn to roll with the punches and teach my daughter to do the same. I never want her to hate her Dad or feel anger towards him. Regardless of our divorce, we still parent TOGETHER!! She must still respect him, trust him, and care for him. If that means that I have to call him on the phone and see if there's an alternate time for him to spend time with her, I do it. If I have to go out of my way for it, so what. She's the winner and that makes me happy. Good luck and hang in there.

I understand the rage you feel, I felt the same exact thing. My ex saw my two boys, who were 3 and 5 at the time, about 4 hours a month, at my house - completely at his convenience. This lasted a year and a half. He had an unlisted phone number he wouldn't give me, and a post office box so I wouldn't know where he was living. <P>It is unfathomable to good parents, that someone could walk away from their own children like this. But then, we are the same people who can't imagine sacrificing the family unit for a fling. The euphoria of an affair does terrible things - especially to those who aren't grounded.<P>The result was my boys were extremely clingy to me, I couldn't leave the house at all for along time, many nights a nighmare about my death would awaken one- who would awaken the other - and both boys would sleep in my bed, with an arm, or a leg touching me. It broke my heart to see them so afraid that I would leave too. The intensity of the anger I felt toward my ex, doing this to his childen was indescribable.<P>My ex acted like an idiot for a long time. But if it is any help to you at all, things have improved.<P>The girl is gone, and my ex is alone, and lonely. He gets the boys every Saturday afternoon, and drops them off Sunday morning. They love their time with their daddy, but he is more like an uncle to them. My little one hardly remembers anymore when he was in the house. It is sad. <P>My boys are 6 and 8 now, they no longer have nightmares, they know I am here for good. They are secure again, they spend the occasional night at Grandma's house now, which they love - they had completely stopped that when my ex and I separated. <P>Frankly, I'm preparing for the time when he gets a new girl, and the possibility my boys may be cast aside again.<P>But for me, it helped immensely, when I could accept the imperfection of the ex, that he will never be a great dad again (he really was when we were a family). Instead of looking at what he is not doing, accept what he does. And instead of assuming he should know things, and offer to do things, I ask him-<P>will you go to scouts? will you pick them up from school, or after sunday school. <P>Definitely my life isn't perfect, but my attitude toward him has changed - if it didn't, I would have exploded. I wanted to strangle him sometimes, and yell, "don't you see what you are doing to the kids? dont you see what kind of a relationship with them you are forming? do you think they are going to have relationships with you as an adult if you don't spend time with them now?"<P>But it is ultimately his choice. You just have to do your best to be complete security to the kids. <P>

Living,<P>I am sure it must be hard on my H too, but if he does not see the kids often, it is his choice - or actually the OW's choice. When he first left, he saw the kids two evenings a week and often both weekend days. It wasn't my idea for him to cut back. It wasn't my idea for him to decide that they fought too much, and therefore he would only let them visit two at a time, even on Father's Day. <P>I want my kids to love their father, and the youngest 4 still love him very much. But parents have no right to tell their children how they should feel. I would never tell my children that they shouldn't be angry - at their father, me, or anyone else - or that they should respect or trust someone. Respect and trust must be earned. You can not tell your children what emotions to have, although you can certainly guide how they act on them (eg. it is ok to be angry at your brother, but it is not ok to hit him). It is important to me that the children realize love is unconditional, that it doesn't disappear just because someone is angry at you or you are angry at them. <P>