My story sounds different from many here. Maybe it is strange... Well, here it is.<P>Last year, my husband had an affair with a woman he met over the internet -- He had been romancing her for months and lying to me about it. He also had deep emotional entanglement with one other woman, also having met her on the internet. A third woman, to her credit, canned him after finding out that he was married.<P>I went through plan A for about 6 months and then left after the actual physical contact, leaving behind a plan B letter. We 'reconciled' after a short separation. He swore off these two women and promised his undying love to me again.<P>Because of his business, he convinced me a year later to get back on the internet. He made promises about no personal info and no chats, no privacy, etc. BUT it all started up again. In actuality, he claims no romance with any of these women -- except a brief confession about hoping for some with one. But I felt that I was headed down the same path as the year before.<P>I admit, I have been jealous a lot during our marriage. I have wanted to be his one and only woman and not just the one on the top of the list. I wanted him to cultivate male friendships instead of female ones. But until last year, I did trust him not to let these relationships go too far.<P>Be that as it may, I am the one who left. He would NOT move out. He still says he has done nothing wrong. That I just have to forgive and forget -- yes I can forgive, but trust is not there yet. I cannot go to bed at night leaving him with these 'friends' until 5 or 6 am, sleeping alone night after night. Of course, our marriage has other issues! But I strongly believe that we could work everything out if it was the two of us working together instead of bringing these other women into the picture.<P>So, I left and took the kids. I have moved in with my folks. The kids see their dad every other weekend, and I have tried to keep the lines of communication open between the kids and their dad. So far, this is just a separation. Neither of us has actually seen a lawyer, although I am going to have to because he has already (1 month) started trying to change or delay child support and visitation.<P>So, he has not left me for these other women or an other woman. Once I decided to leave, I had such a peace.... it was something I have not felt since this whole thing started.<P>So now my concerns lie with visitation -- of course, the kids need their dad. We have 4 kids - ages 9 to 1. I want them to have the best of this terrible situation. <P>Another concern is how I should be relating to him. I am ready to head into a plan B mode. As of now, we have had at least one conversation each week lasting into hours. I think I am still meeting some of his needs -- he will still call me and request recipes or where do we keep the.... whatever. I even did some grocery shopping for him one afternoon! <P>Advice would be appreciated. It seems as though most of the people here have been left, and did not do the leaving. So I hope I have not made a million enemies by posting here.<P>Thanks in advance for your responses and consideration.<P>NoraP

Nora,<BR>You'd be surprised at how many affairs here started as Internet affairs, nothing serious, just friends, etc. My H kept his affair going via internet. It sounds like he still loves you and wants a relationship with you, but the biggest obstacle is your fear and anxiety. Have you guys tried marriage counseling? Maybe it would help you deal with his emotional betrayals and also help him realize that what he is doing hurts you. And I will say it now, an emotional affair is just as significant and devastating as a physical affair. My H had both (with the same woman). In fact, I think it's the emotional betrayal that causes the most pain. I think if it had been a 1 night stand I could accept it better. But he "fell in love" with her. She's the "love of his life". Guess I'm just chopped liver. He was hanging out with me until the "real" love of his life came along. <P>I think you are justified in being upset. But I also think if you both are willing to work on it, you can save your marriage. Obviously, you had some trust issues before and his behavior has exacerbated those feelings. <P>I hope what I've said helps...and it doesn't matter who did the leaving...it still hurts. I did the divorce filing in my case although H actually left. If your H was acting appropriately you would never have left. Unfortunately, the internet is a breeding ground for all kinds of new problems. My H is also heavily into porn and the internet only fed that.<P>Take care.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Thanks Keri<P>Still loves me? Well, he says so too... but will not seek counseling! I have begged for that for a year. I am tired of begging and pleading and wishing for my marriage to be something it is not. He still seeks escape (<---------- his word) with other women... what is he escaping? Me..... I am tired from Plan A... doing and doing all I can. And still I am not his. Time for a little "tough love"... I need to SEE his love now.... not just hear about it. He is a master at lies... and I have believed them for a long time. It is time for some action to back it up. I have asked him to keep his promises he made last year. That is all I have requested. He has not done ONE of them yet. My parents are encouraging me not to file for divorce EVER. Just separation. But this year of waiting will tell the truth of what is wanted. If he wants me, he will DO something and stop the talk.<P>You say the biggest obstacle is my fear. But what about these women he continues to talk trashy with, call them his perfect ones, keep them company all night while I am alone in our bed, etc. You do not see this as an obstacle to our reconstruction of our marriage? This is why I left... Not other reasons. My fears and anxieties have been reinforced by his continuing behavior.

Nora,<BR>I said it was your fear, thinking your H was willing to let the OW go. If he is thrashing you with emotional abuse by calling his internet OW "perfect ones" then I don't blame you for leaving. You have a right to your fears. He has done nothing but encourage them. I have since read a couple of your other posts and I suddenly realized you left him not only because of his EA's but also because you're downright sick and tired of being ignored and cast aside. Nobody should be treated in this fashion. I was going through the same thing when my H left. He hadn't slept with me in months. The only time we had sex is if he got good and drunk first, then he treated me like a prostitute afterwards...being hateful, blaming me for what happened. Believe me, while his leaving was painful, I couldn't take the pride swallowing nightmare I was living in much longer either. I was always a good wife and did not deserve to be treated this way. He felt he was cheating on the OW instead of me! How ridiculous is that? I know about the exhaustion of trying Plan A. I did it for 8 months. At least with him gone I don't feel so uptight and anxious and nervous all the time, although being dumped isn't exactly fun either. My self-esteem is at an all time low after the last year. You have to do what's best for you. I didn't mean to imply that you weren't trying or anything like that. I just wanted you to know I think marriages can be saved if BOTH partners are willing to work very hard at saving the marriage and making it BETTER. If he is unwilling to give up these internet buddies for you, a real live flesh and blood woman, then he obviously isn't willing to do what it takes to save the marriage. Maybe he'll be happier with his computer and you can find someone who wants to be with YOU. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

I like your last line - he can stay with his computer and you can find someone to be with (or something to that effect.)<P>I have a very strange situation. H and I have been married 9.5 years; together for 12. Sadly, we have no children. I say sadly because I suppressed my desire for them to support my husband's career. I am afraid it is too late to meet and love someone and to have a family with them. I know it's best to go through divorce without children, but I am feeling an emptyness from the end of this marriage that is really crippling me. Like I have nothing to show for all this time. I feel like I did nothing but waste time - lots of it. This is causing me tremendous bitterness that I can't seem to get a grip of. Can anyone relate?<P>My H has been an internet fiend for years now. He is a compulsive stock trader and poster to bulletin boards. I don't know if he's found someone on one of these boards, but I wouldn't be surprised. He works a lot to begin with and is always on the computer when home. I started to feel him shut down a few years ago. I hushed that little voice inside that said this was contributing to the end of the relationship but instead rationalized to myself that at least it wasn't (fill in the blank...) and he was still home, etc.<P>Truth is he abandoned this relationship years ago. No shared activities, no sex, no conversation that was not related to business. I wondered if this happens to all long term relationships - they become more of a financial arrangement or business partnership. Things finally came to a head in October when I told him that we needed to redirect the marriage because I was unhappy. Do more together. Talk more. Plan more. What did he say? Well, it must be really bad - listen to yourself - it's not worth saving - I'm unhappy too - I think you have a good point. He told me that I was not the right person for him to have kids with. And a lot of other hateful stuff that I can't even share right now.<P>So, where am I now? The house is up for sale; 2 buyers have fallen though and we're back to square one. I've already rented an apartment and I am paying rent and a mortgage, and all of my money is tied up in the house. My H is getting hostile - controls all of the finances, and I am just trying to keep things together and try not to lose my job right now. <P>I never thought I would be in this situation. I took my wedding vows seriously and thought that me and H would grow old together and support one another. I didn't realize that it was ok for me to help him through law school and once was on the brink of the payoff of his education that I would not be there to share the benefits of our mutual sacrifices.<P>My stomach is in knots. I am so fearful of what is happening right now - I am on an emotional rollercoaster and I can't see straight. I am bitter. I am sad. I am angry and I feel cheated by life. By him. But mostly by myself. I am trying day by day to survive this, and boards like this are a godsend when you have exhausted every friend's ear, and need to vent and have nowhere to turn.<P>I know what you are going through and it doesn't matter what anyone says - with or without children this process rips your heart right out of your chest, spins your head around so it feels like it will never be screwed on straight and just leaves you exhausted.<P>Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated - and my best wishes are with you all. God bless.<P>

Surviving,<BR>I can understand exactly how you feel. I supported my H through college and the military...raising kids basically as a single parent. And when our lives finally seem settled and good, he finds someone else and bails on the marriage. I feel cheated too. I'm so sorry you are feeling so low right now. It's tough and unfortunately it seems to take quite a while before you feel good again. I'm still not there. Yes, I have kids and it is hard, but I don't think not having kids makes it any less painful. My kids have actually been my refuge. At least they love me. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

K-<P>Thanks for your response. I do hope this bitterness and anger goes away because they are unproductive emotions and they make you physically sick.<P>I am glad that you have your children to give you strength. I wish I had someone to draw that from right now when I am feeling vulnerable and confused. I know that I have a few good friends but it doesn't seem like enough right now for me. I have started to pray more than I ever did in my life for some guidance and strength to get through this. It is truly a living hell.<P>Prayers and good thoughts to all of you who are struggling with this as I am. I can only hold on to the faith that this will get a bit better over time.

My story is very similar to yours....my X also started an affair on the net. They did meet, and of course it was true love. They both broke up thier marriages to be together. <BR>It is hard to know that this particular attachment, basically going on with no contact for a number of months, was strong enough to leave your family and wife for. But my x did. I wrestled with many of the same emotions as you are. He had every opportunity to come back, get counseling, up until the divorce was final. In my mind, that was D day for me. <BR>Now, 5 months later, I find that she has broken up with him. Good.<BR>You and your kids will be fine. Not the same, but life will go on and things will be ok. <BR>If you want to discuss at a deeper level, email me at arabrider@msn.com<P>------------------<BR>Susan