I could use some help<BR>I am having a hard time deciding whether or not my marriage is over for me<P>My husband had what i term a online affair late night conversations the whole bit, i didnt see the signs at the time,. He then choose to meet two different woman for "coffee" we have had a past history,many years ago, of his infidelity pysically with two women. I told him then that it was a three strikes you are out. I am having a hard time figuring out for myself if there is more to this story than has been told and subsequently am having a hard time determining if I view those events as cheating.<P>Did anyone find it hard to decide to go in a divorce path? I seem to be getting stuck on if it is over and I have reached my bottom line or if it is just fear of being alone ect that keeps me from making a choice or if it is just my angry and hurt shining thru<P>any experiences and thoughts would be great <BR>thanks<BR>chubbles<BR>

My epiphany came when she told me it was over. She had been spending most of her waking moments away from work with the OM.<P>I felt that I needed to file for the protection of myself and my children. If we did not have kids, I would probably still be trying to get her back. I needed financial support from her to be able to pay the bills. <P>Also, there was the issue of custody. I was not about to let her take the kids and move them in with the OM. I told her at the very beginning, "If you go, you go alone." She didn't believe me, but that is the way that it happened.<P>Good Luck to you. This was the hardest decision that I have ever made.

Chubbles,<P>I will share w/you my 2 cents.<P>A couple of months ago,I knew that my marriage was over......I didn't want to deal w/it......I didn't really want to let go.(but deep down I knew.)(BTW,even tho I filed I am still in plan A,and will be until the final papers are signed.)<P>I had a conversation w/my Mom,she said that when the time was right I would just know.I would know when to file and start to get on w/my life.<P>She was right........one day it just hit me.I knew.....I went that day,and started the process.<P>Is it what I truly truly want????...NO,but my situation wont ever change.It does take 2 people to make a marriage thrive,grow,work.I have a H that doesn't want to do that.<BR>(I kinda don't have a choice.Unless I want to stay in "limbo" land for the rest of my life.....NOT!)<P>You and you alone will know what is right for you to do in your situation.<P>You can get help and opinions,support and so on from here.......but it still is a decision that you will have to make alone and you will know.(I would guess that you are just not there yet.)<P>Hang in there!<P>Gina <P><P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----

This is one of the hardest decisions you will make, but you'll know when to make it. I saw an attorney for the first time today (my birthday), and I feel much better. I know exactly where I stand, what I can walk away with, and that I know I'm doing the right thing.<P>When did I know? When the OW's exH called me a week ago and told me the latest news. OW says she's pregnant, maybe my H's, maybe her ex's, maybe some other guy. And even then I didn't fall off the fence. But when I asked my H if her name was on the new bank account he opened 3 weeks ago, and he answered "What difference does it make?", that was the instant I knew. In spite of him telling me over and over that he wants to work on our marriage, he continues to live with her. The checking account was proof to me that he has no intention of leaving her. And there's no marriage, as long as he has any contact with her. He can't have his cake and eat it too, which is what he really wants to do.<P>You'll know when the time is right, when you've done everything you possibly can to save your marriage. Until then, keep working on it.<P>2sad

I knew that it was over the moment my vision of my H as a person worth of respect was shattered. I knew when he first said, "I had a one night stand" that it was over. (The one night stand ended up being several women over several years).<P>I beat myself over the head with it for months before accepting it. My mom told me to go home and forgive him. I listened to her. I was told that this is a test on the "'til death do you part". I thought maybe I didn't give him enough love and trust that he thought I would forgive and forget. I asked myself if I'd done enough. I asked myself if I'd proven to him that I love him and have overcome, or at least worked on, the things that made him unhappy. I had to be sure that every avenue was exhausted before I could walk away. He continued to lie, use me, and humiliate me, and still I tried.<P>The last straw (are you listening Broadzilla?) came when I asked him not to introduce his whore to his parents when they were here visiting. I did not want that relationship to have any semblance of legitimacy. I told him my feelings would be very hurt if he did that. The very next day in a planned visit, he did just that, then told me it was no big deal. <P>It was a big deal to me. A simple request could not be honored. My feelings meant that little. I was done. It was over before that, but I didn't know until then.

Chubbles,<P>My revelation has come in a series of events. My H has lied and lied to me over the past year and led me on. I guess for me, it was when I was at his house one day visiting the kids (it was his weekend) and he had left his checkbook out for all the world to see. His name and the OW's name were both on it. The next weekend she moved all her furniture to his place and is now living there part-time (when my kids aren't there). That's when I knew for sure it was over. It was hard, but I'm actually starting to accept it now. This has been the most difficult decision I have ever made. It was a decision I didn't want to make, but I needed some closure and a feeling of taking control of my life. But I agree with the others here...only you can decide and you will know when the time is right. <P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

For me, it was after two years of him going back and forth, him writing the letter to her from the book "surviving an Affair" and then 1 week later contacting her and her H contacting me and letting me know it was still going on. I stiil held on f and Plan A'd for 5 months. But he continued with her anyway. When I heard he was making plans to take $ out of our joint business and move to be with her (whether he meant it or not) that was it for me. My love had completely died. That is when it is right to leave. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Keridwen7:<BR>[Band he had left his checkbook out for all the world to see. His name and the OW's name were both on it. <P> That's when I knew for sure it was over. It was hard, but I'm actually starting to accept it now. This has been the most difficult decision I have ever made. It was a decision I didn't want to make, but I needed some closure and a feeling of taking control of my life. But I agree with the others here...only you can decide and you will know when the time is right. <P>[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I hear ya, Keridwn, and it isn't about the money in the account, it's about the "permanancy" it conveys in your mind. Before I realized what had happened, H suggested I open my own checking account, in my name. It took me a day or so to understand what was happening. It's been like a chess game, trying to outguess what he's doing and why, then countering with my next move. And it still isn't over.<P>2sad<P><BR>