my W of 10yrs has left me w/our two kids (5 and 3). she said she "is finished!". i continue to try and patch things. our marriage has had its ups and downs as they all do. evidently her downs were abit lower than i thought. for a number of stupid reasons i rarely could show positive loving emotions. we started to withdraw from each other and our takers took over. i was way to quick to get angry and selfish. for the first time in my life i see that this behavious has no place in a relationship and i have taken every step to correct this problem. i'm seeing counselors and i have an appt with a psychiatrist. <BR>i love my wife more than the world (always have). the separation is traumatizing all involved, especially the children. <BR>i married with the idea til death do us part. granted i thought a marriage was an impenetrable capsule that will take us through life. i was wrong. i did a tremendous amount of good in our relationship. unfortunately, all she sees is the bad. she's got an attorney and i;ve had to get one too. i've kept mine at bay while her's has threatened me and just simply been real mean and thoughtless (surprise, surprise for an attorney). <BR>i am in agony and i'm weak from trying. but one look into my children's eyes crying when they have to leave me and i continue to have hope. i truly do believe we can be a stronger couple as a result of this hell. we both created this bad situation. now i'm the one pleading to stay together. she just looks at me with the coldest eyes.<BR>there is too much to lose!!!!! the beautiful children alone are reason enough to try some more (in my mind). <BR>am i wrong for trying???<BR>please help me!!!!

Well, I don't know if I can give you any words of wisdom. My marriage is soon to end.<P>However, there is always hope. You are not wrong for trying.<P>There is lots of good information on this site. Read and implement all that you can. You may not see any progress for a long time. There are people here that have been working for years and all of a sudden things get better.<P>There will be old timers here to give you other information. Here are the basics as I understand them.<P>Do not cause your wife undue emotional trauma (lovebusters). This will make her less likely to view you in a positive light and make reconciliation harder.<P>Do the best you can to make yourself and your surroundings a safe, comfortable place that she can be at. You may need to put the problems you see on the back burner for a time while you build this safe place.<P>If you need to vent, do it here.<P>Good Luck to you and keep us posted.

Hi BD,<P>I am in your exact situation. My wife moved out 2 months ago with our children (3 and 1) and now lives with her mother 3000 miles away. She hired two attornies and so did I (one for each state we both live in). She's blaming me for the emotional neglect, verbal abuse, and belittling comments I've made during our arguements. When she left, she was determined to move on and never look back.<P>I've been trying very hard to convince her to return. I finally found this website, enrolled in the MB counseling program, and purchased 2 books: GIVE & TAKE and THE FOUR GIFTS OF LOVE. I purchased another set and will give it to her this weekend. After 2 months, she finally sprouted an olive branch and is now discussing trying to work with me... but only at a distance for now because she feels emotionally unsafe to return. There is hope if you truly love your wife.<P>My advice:<P>1) Be patient, understanding, caring, and DO NOT PRESSURE her to return. I made the mistake of pressuring her to move back in after she said "let's give it one more shot". She withdrew immediately, and I almost destroyed my chances of reconciliation.<P>2) As stated above by GP2, avoid the LOVE BUSTERS at all costs. Vent here with us and at your pillow, but do not raise your tone of voice to your wife.<P>3) Document to your wife that you now realize your mistakes during the marriage and are completely committed to learning how to be a better person and partner to her. She just needs assurance that if she returns, things will not revert back to the old ways.<P>4) This may be difficult, but avoid the legal arena. This gets really ugly. Lawyers establish barriers that make it almost impossible to work on a marriage. My legal fees have exceeded $11,000 in simply 2 months. If we keep fighting for custody... it'll be very costly, emotionally and financially. I'm flying out to where my wife is and trying to settle out-of-court and trying to discuss working on our marriage. It's going to be difficult.<P>I feel your pain because I have the same agony in my heart and soul. I love my wife, children, and family. I didn't think marriages broke up like this. I thought we could endure anything. I was wrong. Marriage requires knowledge, wisdom, and hard work. <P>Wishing you luck,<P>Andrew

No, you're not wrong for trying. It seems as though you see a lot of the ways where you went wrong. That is great! You can't begin to fix it with just good intentions. You have to have a strategy, and since you know how you helped create the hurt, start by fixing those things. <P>It takes a lot of effort to overcome the seeds of mistrust planted by years of maladaptive behaviour, but many have done it. Take courage from their success and make it your own!

thank you all VERY MUCH!!!<BR>you are providing me with the strength to continue. <BR>a mistake i keep making is that i do pressure her. i wish i could stop!!! i guess i have to. it's just a shame since the kids are suffering greatly. <BR>unfortunately we have to have a meeting on monday with our attorneys to discuss custody and support (and hopefully no dv papers will be served to me). part of me wants to take a real hard stance and (attempt) to get custody of kids. and possibly at that point she would have an incentive to reconcile. i guess this wrong??? i'm not being vendictive, the quality of the kids' life has and will continue to degrade. i'm the disciplinarian who provides consistent, positive guidance that the children need so badly. additionally, my wife works 12hrs per week. this is a concept we both agreed to when our first child was born. this was an effort to preserve our family and the quality of the kids lives. i just do not think it is fair to me in any way!!!!i work tremendously hard to provide a pretty darn decent quality of life. she's left me with a tremendous amount of debt and her attny is trying to get $1600 a month for her and the kids!<BR>again, i've kept my attorney out of the equation at great cost. now i will be represented very well. it is a hard situation.