I'm feeling really weird. My H has been bugging me for the last couple of weeks about the divorce. I am filing, he isn't even getting an attorney, but he wants it over with really soon. So I called my attorney today. His assistant told me to come in Monday afternoon to sign the divorce agreement and then she will call H to come in and sign. I know I have filed, but I'm feeling so panicky now. I guess it's because it's becoming reality. I feel so strange. He can't wait to get it over with and I know once it's done there is no turning back. It's really sad. This isn't what I wanted at all. I still don't want it, but what do I do? She's ensconced in his life and living with him. There's nothing I can do but move on. Thanks for letting me vent. <P> <P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Your fears of panic is filled in everyone that goes through what you are. Believe it or not, when your husband goes in to sign it will affect him too, even if he thinks it's what he wants right now. Even the person wanting out feels deep sadness at it being over. Are you sure that you and the kids will be taken care of and do you feel confident in your attorney? I just don't want him rushing you because he thinks he's getting by with something. I think your attitude is very healthy and your doing great. Keep working on YOU! Remember, just because a divorce becomes final doesn't mean he won't regret his choice or want to come back later. In fact, seeing you move on without him and be a strong woman may attract him. I think he pushed you along so fast that he hasn't been able to keep up either. Some day it will sink in. Stay strong.

((((((((((((Keridwen)))))))))))))<P>breathe....<P>Focus.....<P>Find your center........<P><BR>"For you, through the power of the Lady,<BR>a helmet of light.<P>For you, through the power of the Lady, <BR>strength in the mind and sweetness and calm and rest and strength that is growing<BR>strength to strength <BR>and ease and easeful sleep and gladness spreading, and thankfulness spreading,<BR>love spreading through all of your body,<BR>all of yourself,<BR>in the power of the Lady,<BR>by the power of the Lady,<BR>through the power of the Lady"<P>blessed be...<P><BR>Lose not yourself with the chaos of the labyrinth....<P><BR>Dylan<P>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles

I'm sorry, WHAT??<P><BR>K,<BR>I think you and I have similar stories, altho I think you're probably nicer than me considering my first comment above. We seem to have to same situation! Weren't you the one who said once how your H used to talk about Clinton like he was scum? Mine did too, all the time! All the while, he'd been messing around thru our whole 20-year marriage. Maybe that was their way of either throwing us off, or alleviating their guilt. <P>I feel the same way, like I never wanted this but had no choice - and he seems like the happiest person on earth being a big stud now and actually wants me off the face of the earth. That's what you get for faithfulness and devotion to someone these days. My official date is closing in on me too, and I'm starting to feel the pain of it all over again. I'm really becoming scared of the outcome too for my little guys. However, I must say that I also have a side that is still strong and I'm trying to hold on to that even tho it's getting easier and easier to go mushy now.<P>Everyone keeps telling me that I'll be better off when my life is my own, and that I'll be fine (including his own mother). I find that hard to believe because I believe the best thing would have been if the dreamworld I had about our perfect family would have been real.<P>Later, God bless - Kathy

Bonnie...I know these are normal feelings, but I guess I thought I was past some of this. Everytime I think I'm ready to move one, some old (or new) emotional reaction pops up unexpectedly. Does it ever stop? Will I ever feel normal again? And what is normal? I certainly hope normal isn't this sad, panicky, distressed feeling.<P>Soulloss...Thank you for the lovely prayer! I am going to keep this to show to my Lady. It was just what I needed!<P>Weirded out...It wasn't me talking about Clinton - I read that thread, but my H DID despise Clinton and the things he did. I have to say, my H stayed faithful for 14 of our 15 years together. Maybe that's why I am having such a hard time dealing with this. It's so out of character for him. He is somebody I don't know anymore. He's changed...for the worse. I don't much like the person he's become. Apparently the OW likes the new him. I have people telling me I will be better off too, but it doesn't feel that way. I still love him and I want our life back. We were happy. We had a lovely family and home with lots of friends and fun times. I want that back. Life seems so bleak now.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Hang in there Keridwen:<P>Just keep in mind that you have no control over what your h does. You can want more than anything in your heart for you two to have your wonderful happy family back together again, but stop beating yourself up over it. It is out of your control. <P>I am in the same exact situation as you. I want so desperately to have my life back as well. I keep telling myslef that if it was meant to be it will be but only when my h is ready. <P>We must go on for our kids sakes and for our own. You and I both did not deserve to be treated like we were. <P>Good things happen to good people and we are good people. What goes around comes around.<P>Go over to the General Questions Forum and read the post where I was asking for lostva. She is wonderful and she is also hope.<P>I would not be surprisesd if my divorce goes thru and 2 years down the road we get remarried. <P>I think everything you are feeling is normal but again, its all out of your control<P>The one thing I did for myslef was go on medication and let me tell you, I have been a new person since I did that. I still get sad but not that much. I can cope with life now. I am getting use to my life without my h. I know I will be fine<P>Look at it this way,,,, It's HIS loss!!!!!

Keridwen ---<P>It's not fun but not everything is. I think almost all of us know how you feel. It hurt indescribably but there are some things you have no choice in. <P>Do make sure you and the children are taken care of. Then take care of yourself emotionally. If that means you need a therapist, an antidepressant, whatever, take care of it. (Better living through well-monitored chemistry is not an all-together bad thing. I've done it twice but only as long as was absolutely necessary. I knew both times when I became depressed and when I became undepressed. And I probably bought my psychologist a new BMW - but that's ok. Both of my children have psychologists. They probably have new cars too.)<P>I prayed really hard through that period. But, I made it and so will you. It was such a sad period in my life but, at the same time, I was so glad to be able to have it behind me so that those wounds could heal.<P>If you walk with God, He'll steer you through it. If you normally don't, try talking to Him.