I've been unhappy in my marriage for most of the 11 years because I married the wrong man. He has been many things: unavailable, verbally abusive, controlling, angry, threatening, etc. He is not an alcoholic or a physical abuser. He has made many changes, still I can't see going forward any more. We have a 2.5 year old he adores, but he until recently was not a partner physically or mentally in sharing the responsibilities of raising her, and now if he disapproves of her typcial 2 year old behaviors they are my fault. I've made an appointment with a lawyer, a councelor and a financial planner all on one day next week with the intent of filing and running like hell (with a temporary order for my daughter). How do I live with the guilt of not staying to see this through and taking our daugher with me away from a man who clearly loves her? I don't know if I can follow through. HELP!

I think it is important to understand WHY you are feeling guilty. Are you in counseling? I believe that even when you are decided and have very good reasons to end a relationship, counseling is valuable. It helps you to know yourself and get you through this very stresful time. Your ambivalence could be normal divorce jitters or it could be a reaction to something else. I'd check it out if I were you. This is a HUGE step.<P>Good luck.

Totally agree with Popeye. It's too big a step to take without at least seeking some kind of counseling. Maybe he just doesn't realize how close to the edge of the cliff he's gotten. A little jolt might spark him into positive action. That little girl deserves to have every effort made to keep her family in tact if at all possible.<P>I do have one question, when you say you married the wrong man, does that mean there's a third party involved? If that's the case, that will affect your whole view of your husband very negatively, to the point that he will NEVER be able to do anything right. All I can say is read and research all you can and realize the pain of divorce is incredibly intense for everyone involved. This forum is a good place to start. People here have had all sorts for experience and are also a good for support and a shoulder to cry on.<P>I'm surprised NSR hasn't responded yet. Where are you guy? He's our wealth of information.<P>God bless - Kathy

Oh yeh...<P>A little bit late...<P>Barbara R...<P>You say some things that confuse me...<P>"He has made many changes..."<BR>"We have a 2.5 year old he adores" and...<BR>"but he <B>until recently</B> was not a partner physically or mentally in sharing the responsibilities of raising her"<P>It sounds like he the turning a corner...<BR>Why are you giving up on him?...<BR>Are you frightened... "It's too little to late"?<BR>Are you not willing to put in the effort to build the marriage?<P>Counseling should definitely be the way to start here...<BR>...not divorce!<P>Do you suspect an infidelity?<BR>If so check out my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A>. It is geared toward situations of infidelity...<BR>...but can help others too.<P>Have you really found good reasons to start a divorce?...<BR>It is painful, expensive, emotionally exhausting, an embarassment, and much more work than rebuilding almost any marriage.<BR>What is your rationale for going for it?<P> <P>Jim

I agree with the other responses, BUT I also know that you sometimes reach a point where you can't give anymore. The more they try, the more you realize that there isn't anything in you left to save as far as this person goes. What's the answer? Mine was divorce. I have a 3 year old and my ex loves her dearly. He's a good father and a good man, but we just didn't seem to bring out the best in one another anymore. We went to counseling, but I knew there was nothing that could make me feel anything more for our marriage. Was I wrong or right? I think I was right. I was unable to give 100% in our marriage and felt it was best to go. You are only taking his child from the home, but NOT from his life. Are you worth more than you're getting? More importantly, are you worth more than you're giving? After trying in a one-sided marriage for a long time, it can kill what you have inside you. Once they NOTICE there's a problem, it's too late for you. <BR> Why did I type this? Because I wanted you to see, that in case you felt as I did, that you were not alone. Counseling doesn't fix everything, but it can help you realize what's right for you, even if it's leaving. Your child needs two loving parents. She does not necessarily have to have them in the same home. Good luck.<P>J<BR>

It Barbara from home. I usually post from work and don't know my password :-) I have been dying to respond so I created a new me ;-)<P>Thanks for your responses. You can read some about me under "Why Women Leave" Post "What would you do?". I'm feeling schizo because I thought we were doing better as my posts there imply, but I think the water under the bridge is drowning me! <P>I believe strongly in counceling as a number of you have suggested, hence my calling the person who helped me through about 5 years ago when I file and separated. I think my story will be more like Living's, but I nearly drove myself nuts last time I considered divorce and there wasn't a little girl involved, just more guilt. I don't want to try again for 5 more years, and I think its a better age for my daughter now than at 7 or 8! The impact would be worse at that age.<P>I'll write from work with a long, full scoop tomorrow because I don't want the H to bust me; he's sleeping at the moment. I do intend to "Fence Sit" for another month at least as I see the therapist and explore my options once again.<P>Stayed tuned, and thanks!<P>Barbara R "Fence Sitting"

By the way, no third party. Made that error last time, made matter MUCH more complicated. If I can find my way out this time, there won't be a third party for a long time. Finally, it will be MY party!

I thought I was certain I would divorce, but now I've cancelled the appointment with the lawyer. I think what I've decided is to ask my councelor to talk to me about anti-anxiety drugs, because frankly I lost it last week after H really pissed me off over money. Not that I harmed anyone but myself, but it really scared me (I was absolutely in a rage...beating up my couch and I though my head was going to explode). Also, I think I am going to order some of Dr. Harleys tapes...my husband once agreed to listen to them...never read anything on the website for me so I didn't waste my money...<P>Anyways, I'll do my best to share and respond, and I really appreciate all your input. <P>Popeye: My role in life has always been caretaker, and I couldn't hurt a person knowingly no matter how pissed I was. I feel guilty because of that and I my spritual beliefs about married for life. But I've had to counter that with my emotional well being...sometimes I am so resentful I could kill him and I feel like my head is going to POP!<P>Weirded out (Kathy): I agree also that it is a big step, but I felt sure I was ready...now I am not so angry though, but just for this time...know what I mean? I know he has no idea about his position in my heart because I never go beyond saying I'm angry over something...he tells my why he disagrees and why I am wrong again...I can feel the argument coming...and I just tell him fxxx it, do what you're going to do because that is the way you're going to do it anyway. End result: Frustration, and nothing gets resolved. But he is making some changes, baby steps that they are...<P>Like I said no third party. He could be the right man if I actually liked him. He reminds me of Euyore (sp?) (Whinnie the Pooh's friend). The sky is always cloudy, the world is against him, "nobody likes me, everyone hates me...I'm gonna eat a worm' type. He is also a very conservative republican, and very against liberal thinking (gays, social services, etc.) (Hate him yet?) Very VERY opinionated and bossy, and admits to being an '[censored].' My parents just this weekend had this whole long discussion about our marriage and concluded that even though they don't like him much (but love him like a son!), I should stay married to him to preserve my little family. (I said if you don't like him because he is unlikable, how can you suggest I say married to him for the rest of my life???) I short, he is a difficult person to like. HOWEVER, In love him because he is my husband...I just don't like him as a person too much. When he is kind to me, loving and helpful, my heart swells with love...then one of the events like below happens...how often can you kick a dog before it stops coming to you wagging it's little tail?<P><BR>NSR (Jim) No infidelity on either side--he is always stuck to the couch and I manage just about everything in our lives so I have not time or energy. He has made changes, that is true. He quit smoking, which has created the opportunity for him to spend more time with us (my daughter and me). Used to be he would come home from work and sit in our bedroom and watch TV all evening until it was time to eat dinner and then again when it was time to say goodnight. He quit because he just found out his heart was enlarged---had nothing to do with us really; we are just benefitting from the byproduct. But you could never convince him that his behavior was wrong and that he could have grapped a smoke and headed back into the living area with us; never. He would heartly disagree. This change was made on May 13 by the way--who knows if he'll stick with it.<P>Last week I went to visit a relative over the weekend with my mother and little girl. He was invited along (although both mom and me didn't really want him along as he would have insisted on driving, complained about drivers the entire way there, and who knows what else. I almost don't like to introduce him around and I am embarressed to admit I'm married to such a creep). He instead, much to my delight, agreed to stay home and work on our house which never happens. Well, I was soooo proud of him, really happy, 'we are on an upward trend..I just know it.' Wrong...came back to a new $500 CD system in my living room. Man was I pissed. He is one who decides he has to have something, and just goes and gets it on credit. Over and over...same old story. <P>We were in counceling about 2 years ago, right after my daughter was born because we had some really hateful moments between us. It is clear to me that he couldn't care less about me when I spark his temper. He has shown it in a number of ways many, many times. Here's a prime (but not rare) example: At my 29th birthday (3 years ago) I asked him to stop drinking because he had had too much. He let go on me in front of every person in my entire life that I love and embarrased the **** out of me. Told me not to tell him what to do, shut my fxxxing mouth or I would be walking home. He went on like that for 5 minutes in front of everyone in the Oalkand Coliseum. I was six months pregnant! Man was I hurt...he hurts me alot. Betrayal...that's what it feels like. So divorce is "Painful, expensive, emotionally exhausting, embarassing, work"---sounds just like my marriage. <P>LIVING: I completely understand. How many times can I work through it? In the other thread I started the responders where telling me to run like hell because this is abuse....I need to be responsible to my child...where do I draw the line? <P>Anyone got input? By the way, we had a terrific weekend doing chores, shopping, visiting friends, etc together as a family...so I'm open to hearing stick around ---at the moment!<BR>

Barbara R,<P>I hate to sound really dumb here, but why don't you tell him what you are feeling and what you are trying to decide? You know if you are really thinking about divorce because of his behavior, don't you think it would be useful to tell him? I mean part of you wants to keep the marriage.<P>Why not out if part of him wants to keep the marriage. Don't do the "you do this or else" bit on him, but tell him how you are feeling and why you want to escape.<P>I know straight forward is sooo boring. But maybe if he is unaware of how you truely feel.<P>Just and idea.<P>God Bless,<P>JL