I really don't know what to do. Me and my husband have been married for 4 years. We've been through ALOT in those 4 years. We were seperated once and got back together. It has been uphill and luckily we have made it though it all. I sometimes wonder how me and DH made it this far!! We both were married before and we both had our hearts broken in our previous marraige. When we met we fell in love instantly. Now, that we've been together for 4 years, I look back and realize we both had just been lonely too long and that is the main reason we got together. When we firth got together he worked out of town alot and was only home on the weekends. We got along GREAT! But, as he job changed so did our relationship. By the time he quit working out of town, we were married. That was the first time I began to doubt "if I had done the right thing (in getting married again). We were only married 5 months when I became pregnant with our daughter. So now instead of newlyweds we were becoming parents. About 2 years into the relationship we started having MORE problems. My husband has a hobby that takes him away from me ALOT. I began to resent this hobby of his and started finding "my own" things to do to keep me occupied. We ended up seperating for about 2 months. In this time I met someone else and starting seeing him. He was EVERYTHING I was looking for and more...but there was one problem...he wasn't my husband..the man I TRULY loved. I ended up breaking up with him and going back to my DH. DH accepted everything and took me back with open arms. That was 2 years ago and I feel like we have just now gotten past it. Even though we were legally seperated he still looks at it as an "adulteroius affair" on my part. He told me the other day that he "forgives" me for what happened. I am relieved that he is FINALLY ready to put it behind us...but on the other hand I am wondering "for how long". How long will it be before he throws it up in my face again? Anyways, here lately ALL we have been doing is fighting!! We can't even talk to one another without arguing. I am getting REALLY tired of it! We got into it tonight and I ended up throwing my wedding rings accross the room and telling him it was over. Whenever we fight he screams and yells and gets in my face (which is something that I cannot stand) He got in my face and I went to back away from him and lost my balance and hit my back on the counter behind me. I started crying because I hurt my back a week ago and this certainly did NOT help the way my back was feeling. <BR>There is a part of me that wants to leave. I am practically by myself right now anyways. <BR>But there is a another part of me that can't leave. I think about my kids, my parents, my vow to God and it is enough to make me say to myself "it's not really that bad". I know I could make it on my own. I've done it before...but I have become pretty dependent on the type of lifestyle I have right now. I have a nice home, good money, nice vehicle,etc, etc, etc. I know it sounds bad...but I don't want to give all of that up. To put it nicely, I've got it made right here where I am at. The only thing that could make it better is to have a "partner" that is willing to be 50/50 with me. He thinks that as long as he get's up, goes to work, and brings hoem a paycheck, everything is fine. He says "You have a roof over your head and all your bills are paid what more can I do" How do I get him to see that I DO need more than that? I mean I AM VERY grateful that I have a husband with such a strong work ethic.....but I don't need it rubbed in my face all the time just how HARD he works and how HE pays the bills and how my job isn't halfway as imprtant as his..blah blah blah. I've gotten to the point to when he starts "rambling" about his job and all that other sh*t...I just tune him out. I have gotten to the point where I can't stand to even listen to him talk, not only about work, but about ANYTHING. I feel like I am still living at home with my parents when he starts in on "Why did you do this" "Why didn't you do that" "What this...what that" I am just SO sick of it! I don't want to "run away from my problems" but I am seriously wondering "how much more I can take". I know in my heart that I truly love him, he just gets on my nerves. I also know in my heart that I can survive without him...that's what scares me. My MIL told me about a year ago that our daughter is the only reason he is with me, that if we didn't have her, he'd leave me. I am starting to believe her.. <BR>I have suggested counseling and he doesnt' want to go because he doesn't think there is a problem. I dont' know what else to do or say. We can't agree on anything, we can't be around each other without fighting. Heck, I can't even talk to him about having sex without him looking at the clock...counting the hours of sleep he'll get before he has to get up to go to work. How turned on would you be if you heard "Well, if we start now, I can still get 7 hours of sleep"..... <BR>Any other suggestions?<BR>

Chele,<BR>Have you read the section here on Emotional Needs? If not, read it.... print out the questionare. Try filling it out, and leave it where your H can find it... I don't know if it will work, but sometimes tangible evidence that there is a problem might get through to him... You could try writing him a letter, explaining what you feel needs to be worked on, and how you feel about things... just be careful not to word it in a way that places blame (ie use "I feel bad when we argue" instead of "you make me mad..."). <P>What you are going through is not easy, we've all been there (or in a similar situation). My suggestion to you is to read everything on this site, buy or check out the books listed here, and get counseling for yourself even if your H won't go (it will help YOU to deal with what is going on.<P>As for your situation when you were separated.... when I first got here someone defined an Affair for me like this..... <BR>"An affair is what ever your partner defines it as." Therefore, I would suggest you read Surviving an Affair, it will help you. <P>Read up on Plan A and Love Busters.... impliment them, even when you want to scream, Plan A instead. Right now, you can't expect 50/50 to work.... you will have to put forth 110% to get your marriage headed in the right direction..... someone needs to make a change, to take the next step.... you already made the first one by coming here and expressing a desire to work on your marriage.<P>I hope this helps.... there are a LOT of very caring and helpful people here.... and there is a LOT of support and advice to be had. Keep looking forward, and keep your chin up.<P>My thoughts & Prayers are with you..<BR>Butterfly<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

<BR>You seem at a very vulnerable point in your life, a very life altering point.<P>SO! Think of your daughter. I can tell you, divorce is a terrible thing for children, it will affect their little pysches forever. It doesn't sound like your husband is a really bad guy, he isn't doing anything horrible - more of cold, thoughtless, with a touch of self-centered. And, maybe he hasn't really forgiven you yet - and deep down still trying to punish you - or testing you to see if you would do it again. Certainly I don't know, but I remember how betrayed I felt when my ex had sex with someone else - when I was considering reconciling with him, gee, my heart would start to pound thinking, "what if he had the opportunity to do it again?" It is tough - and I know you like him to see that you dated while you were separated, but I bet all he sees is that you dated. Period. Give it time.<P>I do believe marriages go through highs and lows, maybe this time is just a low for him. It certainly is for you - Go through it. Maybe you should see a counselor on your own for awhile and he may join in?<P>But your MIL!!!! my goodness. While I understand a mother's natural position defending her son, what a horrible thing to say. I think its pretty obvious she is very angry at you. Grin and bear it, be the mature one. If she is a decent woman, she wants her son to be happy, and think how you would fight tooth and nail for your daughter, and how you would act toward someone who hurt her.<P>You don't need any more problems, nor do you need to put your husband in a position where he has to choose between his wife and his mother. But too bad you obviously live so close.<P>Good luck!<P>