I guess I am entering a new phase in this life of mine. <BR>Background...Feb. 1998, W decides to begin an affair with a co-worker. Mar. 1998, W tells me that we do not need to do anything for our anniv. in April. (W has had one known affair in 1990, two others suspected)Immediate feelings of betrayal from statement. April 1998 W moves into an apartment, denies affair (I have proof of everything but sex). May 1998 W moves back home (going to have surgery in June). Surgery, then W immediately during her recovery begins e-mail to OM (still denies). Aug. 1998 W states she is leaving again. Sept. 1998 W leaves. Nov. W states she is having second thoughts. Back and forth between "I want a divorce" and "I want my Life back" but no action on either. Some time with me some time with OM. She felt pushed by both of us. April 2000 W moves back in with me sayimg she can finally tell OM no and that she finally feels my pain. May 2000 evidence of continued contact with OM. Now W has stated that she loves OM more than anyone she has ever know including me. She has admitted to an encounter in 1993 with another woman that I had conforted her with at that time and she denied until now. W wants to get a divorce.<P>I love my wife dearly but I am not going though this anymore. I am short and at times nasty with her, I want her out of my house now. I have had sex four times in two years and it is really getting to me. I dislike the person I am becoming. <P>I can list a mile of reasons not to have her as my W, and only a few to have her. I do not feel as tough I know her anymore. But I want her to be with me. I feel as though I am the selfish one, I am not thinking about what I do believe she means..she loves OM more than she ever loved me. Many details have come out in the past two and a half years and all verify that.<P>Part of me wants to let her go and wait again, the other part wants to go out and start dating again. <P>I am very confused.

triedNtrying,<P>I'd always recommend a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> before considering a divorce...<BR>...to get that "...let her go and wait again..." feeling bring my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> to a near zero deposit.<P>Have you considered <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>?<BR>With the whole <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> letter... no contact... etc.<BR>It could give you time to get your emotional/financial house in order!<P>Do check out my post...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>!<P> <P>Jim

NSR,<P>I Plan A'd for over a year. From that time on it was Plan B. It took no more than three days to hear from her. Her.."I wanted to know how you were, and to say hello." Me.."I do not want this call. I do not want you as a friend." Her.."Then it has to be all or nothing?" Me.."Yes" Her.."You are a big part of me. I cannot just let go that quickly" Ect., Ect. A day or two later she is saying she wants to have a relationship with me. I go back to Plan A. She continues to page, e-mail and in some fashion contact OM. I go back to Plan B. <P>Since she has moved back, the first few weeks were great considering. As contact with OM increased, my insistance of No Contact increased. I realize that this has a lot to do with pushing her back, but it is the only thing I have insisted on, I have only addressed one other need (sex-there has been none)but only that we need to work on that, no requirements.<P>OM and I have talked on a few occasions. He is plan B'ing as well ( I do not think it is purposeful though, only that he feels all or nothing as well). He gave me a lot of the information that I have.<P>I have some time before she moves. I helped her with her apartment the first time she left and will not do it again. OM states that he will not help her either, he is hurt too deeply. She has to save the money up. She refuses to leave before papers are signed.<P>Plan A or Plan B or I give up? <P>Plan A- I cannot do that any more. My "Love Bank" is at a very low point. <P>Plan B- Hard to do when she lives here. I can do things such as not fixing the brakes on her truck. It makes me feel mean. (She says..then if I wreck it's your fault and the kids may be hurt. I feel if she drives it knowing about the brakes, she is responsible, but I do not want my kids in it.) <P><BR>

How old are your kids???<P>Plan B has got to be the hardest thing to do when there are kids involved.<P>I think... if as you say... "she wants a divorce"...<P>Rule #1 is to protect you and your kids... and 'family' as much as possible.<P>Like a boy scout... be prepared!<P>Take care of arranging all financial matters early on...<BR>...i.e. college funds for the kids...<BR>...putting as much as you can in trusts for them.<BR>(I'm on the verge of divorce on August 7th...<BR>...and my W wants to take whatever she can out of our 401K... and to not contribute <B>anything</B> to the kids' education.)<P>Time to open new savings/check accounts...<BR>Draw up a tight budget... Control finances as tightly as your can... but keep her informed!<BR>Get new credit cards in your name...<BR>(Leave the current debt joint)<P>Either fix the truck or disable it...<BR>...letting her drive it in such a condition is wrong... and dangerous to the kids!<BR>Don't deny her transportation...<BR>...she'll need that for a new job...<BR>...and if needed a way to exit. <P>Start documenting <B>everything</B>...<BR>Her time away from home/kids...<BR>Her time with OM<BR>Her time with the kids too<P><B>Your</B> time too!!!<P>...and hard as it may seem now...<BR>...hold back on the divorce for as long as possible!!!<BR>...it will be to your advantage!!! (In almost <B>every way</B>)<P>Build a track record... for her...<BR>and for the courts...<P>Is "custody" of the kids an issue?..<BR>...if so... do check out <A HREF="http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/" TARGET=_blank>Fathers Rights To Custody(FRTC)</A> <I>*warning*... anti-marriage site</I><P> <P>Jim

NSR, <P>Three kids. <BR>16 year old step son. Hers from previous marriage. With me since age 3. Wants to live with me. <BR>12 year old son. Wants to live with me.<BR>9 year old girl. wants to live with mother.<P>Custody is an issue in that we want to do what is best for the children. Niether of us believes the other should not have custody. In the past it begin as them being with her on her days off work. Me the rest of the time. This worked out to 50/50 but three days there, two days here,two days there, three days here ect. Given her past marriage history and the things she has done involving infidelity, IMO, they should be with me. (W's mother and sister have both been though four marriages each. This concerns me now with my D. What is being taught to her?) An agreement can be met, but is it best?<P>Financial arrangements are already separate from earlier. They have not become joint since here return in April. During the marriage she rarely worked and was the "financial officer". She was to start her career when D was in school full time. (mutually agreed to no day cares, others raising our kids, i made more money ect.) There is really nothing there financially. I have always felt she could have done a better job managing the money. One of my needs. I never had any money that was mine, I had to go to her for even five dollars. This affair started 60 days after starting her first good paying job and D was in first grade. Lost it because of OM. Now is working again. I am not be start next week.<P>As for the truck..I have the parts. Honestly feel that the RIGHT thing to do is to fix it. <P>I am confused as to why holding back the divorce is to my advantage. Build a track record of what? I just want to bite her head off her everytime I see or talk right now. Iknow that documenting can be of help. <P><BR>

The closeness of our stories is almost scarey...<P>I have a 17yo stepson... raised since the age of 4<BR>An 11yo boy<BR>An 8yo girl!<BR>All three wanted(and still do want) to stay with me...<BR>...since none wanted to move out of state to be with their mom and (especially not the) OM.<P>Custody sounds like hell for you...<BR>...do look into the FRTC site I mentioned earlier!!!<BR>Joint physical custody has been brought up a few times on this forum...<BR>...I personally am opposed to it... as it is a disruption in the lives of the children... especially to your younger ones!<P>Your <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Given her past marriage history and the things she has done involving infidelity, IMO, they should be with me. (W's mother and sister have both been though four marriages each. This concerns me now with my D. What is being taught to her?)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...struck a chord with me!!!<BR>Let me tell you <B>right now</B>... her moral values will be of little consequences to the courts!!! <BR>If fact... if she fights for it(custody)... she will most likely win... anywhere between 60%-90% of the time!!! <BR>The infidelity will mean <B>ZERO</B>!!! <BR>This is the sad reality of the world!<P>Now in my case...<BR>...before I found out about MB...<BR>...I was mostly Plan A-ing... with the occasional LBs...<BR>...and in time... since my W would not give up the OM...<BR>...she moved out!!!<BR>...one month later I found MB...<P>Her moving out was a blessing and a curse...<BR>...no more chance for having the good impact of a Plan A<BR>...but...<P>...now she looked "bad" (somewhat) to the courts...<P>...in fact...<BR>...I had a trial date back on the 6th of June... (my W didn't show)... and the judge remembered my case as...<BR>"... this is the case where the mom moved out and left her 2 kids... <B>and her own son</B> with his stepfather..."<BR>The date is now reset for the 7th of August.<P>I'm not suggesting you "wait her out"... and hope she moves out...<BR>...but it is something to ponder.<P>Are your financial arrangements re-joined?<BR>Keep them separate!... Learn to do it yourself!<P>Do fix the truck... <P>If the custody issue is serious...<BR>build a track record of "the best parent"...<BR>(The FRTC site goes more into it)<P>Do not bite her head off...<BR>...at some point in tme...<BR>...(like my W)...<BR>...she may try to have <B>you</B> leave...<BR>..."spousal abuse" may be claimed much easier by a woman than by a man (I've had a very bd experience here)...<P>...again... fix the truck....<BR>(She could use this against you too)<P>Stay around and keep asking...<P> <P>Jim

I do not bite her head off, i want to though. I do love bust right now, trying to stop as of today.<P>Back in April of 1998 (first time she left) she leave with nothing but her clothes and a few things I bouhgt her for her apartment. My attorney told me then to take serious action and I Plan A'd. Second time she left she took almost everything, she had seen an attorney.<P>I am in NC and here if the spouse tries to move the children out of state emergency custody is given to spouse who did not leave, until courts decide custody.<P>I have not had a good track record as far as a job is concerned during the past two years. I had to go to counceling, very depressed, considered suicide. But I am much stronger and know that this affair is not my fault. The problems in the marriage were partly my fault. <P>My hurt comes out as "nastiness" to her. She told me that this morning on the phone. I am trying to be pleasant. <P>I do still beleive that no matter if we divorce and I meet someone else, that sometime in the furture she will really want to be with me and wish she had not left. But, given how she says she feels (stronger feelings for OM than anyone, including me) I may be dead wrong.