Before I came here, I thought my feelings could never be understood by others and that my situation was totally unique. I see now that a lot of the whole infidelity thing follows a predictable cycle, so I am wondering if this is normal too?<P>I am in a phase where I have no desire to see my H, have no feelings for him, am not bothered by what he does, and could really give a crap about any of it except that he still sees me as the bad guy and blames me for stuff. I do care about that and wish to vindicate myself in the eyes of anyone who dares accuse me of anything!<P>If this is a natural progression towards withdrawal, what comes next? Is this just a calm before I am a mental mess and wanting to hold on or start having crying spells? It just seems so calm that I am wondering if it is real. Is this it? If so, it really wasn't that bad.<P>I feel like I am on the other side of insanity and the women who, 9 months ago would have said, I would NEVER take that crap is back in control!

Popeye,<P>I think what you are going through is normal. I feel the same way and have for a while. I think there comes a point where you just shut down for self-preservation. I never call my stbx if I can help it. He calls me quite regularly. I would have given anything for that 11 months ago! At this point, I could care or less whether or not I will see my stbx again. Of course, I have to because of the kids, but I am much happier than I have been in months! I don't know if I will revert back to feeling miserable, but I sure hope not. I like this happy feeling! Take care.<P>Tulip

popeye,<P>Everyone is different...<BR>...but I do think that the rollercoaster ride will go on...<P>I think I'm getting a little bit out of the phase you are describing...<BR>...and with the continued disrespect I get from my W (I believe you H is like that too), feelings of some anger are slowly returning...<P>The fact that I remain in Plan A... makes that harder to handle...<BR>...since I am still trying to "give"...<BR>If I moved into a Plan B... create a new environment for me... maybe those feelings could be easier to handle...<BR>...but I am committed (at least until the divorce {Aug 7th}) to stay the Plan A course.<P>Whatever you do... Plan A... Plan B...<BR>...put the emphasis on making yourself better.<P>Don't wallow in the the "what ifs"... "if onlys"...<P>You figure out where you are...<BR>...and go for where you want to be...<BR>with or without your spouse!<P>Praying for you too... <P>Jim

Popeye,<BR>I think what you are going through is normal, but I think you are still in for some more emotional turmoil. I'm not trying to discourage you, but I went through a phase a couple of months ago just like you are in and then BOOM, one day I was depressed and missing him and crying again. I think these feelings come in waves and it's just part of the process. Use this time to get stronger and feel good about yourself. It will help get you through the time when you feel down again. Maybe you won't, but I have been on this roller coaster for over a year and I still have good bouts and bad bouts. Take care.<P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Popeye:<P>Just crashing your thread to let you know I am here for you. <P>I have no opinion as I have not gone through this...I am still hot and sweaty whenever my husband walks through the door. I have begged God to release me from my profound attraction to him, but alas, he still makes me weak in the knees and probably always will.<P>I am assuming that these emotions you are experiencing are cyclical and that right now you are indifferent and couldn't care less. However, there are 'anniversary' dates that will trigger responses from you. You'll go along feeling great and independant then suddenly look at the calendar or hear a song or see a movie and it will be followed by a pang of some kind. <BR>I have heard that after 6 months, and then after 12 months, there is a noticable difference in the intensity of feelings. <BR>Do you recall the feelings you experienced when you divorced husband #1?<P>I am so glad you're feeling in control right now. Even if this doesn't last, this feeling will return again later.<P>You'll be OK, and you will stay strong. Ride the tides. It will be OK.<P>Catnip =^^=

I believe that we all go through many different emotions what confronted with all of this. <BR>For me, I had real difficulty being around my X when we were separated. He would lie to me, then turn around and be with her. I had to go to a plan B to even be civil to him when I had to talk to him. And we actually did not fight or argue much through all of this. I just had to "let go". It was hard...admittedly. <BR>Now, after sep for 10 months and divorced for 5, I find that I can actually see him and say I just don't "feel" for him anymore.<P> I believe his affair is now over, inside info has told me she brushed him off, but I am still not interested at all in him, nor has he made any moves toward me. Perhaps now he is feeling as I did when he rejected me over the past two years. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

This is NOTHING like what I went through with the first divorce. I had absolutely no feelings of regret, missing him, or sadness for my ex. Never gave it a second thought. I knew I did not want that man or that life anymore.<P>This one is a bit different- probably because I had more invested, was older, more mature, and more committed. Still, I don't have any regrets, don't wonder "what if" or any of that. I know this is the right thing. I see him for what he is and do not want to waste another day listening to lies or wondering what secrets lie between us. I think I will always love him and have a bond to him, but only because of who I am. Certainly not because he deserves it. <P>I guess I just want some reassurance that this is finally it. The roller coaster is coming to a halt.<P>All I feel now is sadness for him. Sadness that he had the best thing in the world and threw it away because of fear, immaturity, and selfishness. Maybe that is an egotistical thing to say. Maybe I am just full of myself . But it really is how I feel. <P>I look around and know that we had so much and could have achieved greater things together- not just money stuff, but things that matter in life. We didn't get there because of his ego-centricity. It is as simple as that. He is doomed to be repeatedly disappointed in other people because he can't see that the person who really needs the work is himself. Where do you go from there? There is no where to go, but out.

Hey Popeye,<P>I feel EXACTLY as you do. I have no love or desire for my H these days. It's been 7 months since D-Day and 5 months since he moved out. I'm afraid that it's not real either and wonder if...IF...he should ever choose to come back home, what would I do? I don't feel like I love him anymore...was my love so shallow that it could just disappear in 7 months?<P>He basically has cut me out of his life totally...it's like he Plan B'd me! I'm still in Plan A and doing good with the miniscule contact I have with him, but I realize I still have alot of anger towards him. Yes, the downfall of the marriage was partly my fault (I see that now), and I've fessed up to that with him, but I was and still am, I guess, willing to put the marriage back together. He's not. <P>The thing I thing I'm mostly mad about is that he's totally wrecked it for me. I feel like there is no future hope of happiness for me...with him or with anyone else. He's just totally wrecked any tender feelings I might have towards anyone! I cannot imagine ever giving my heart out again. And I can't ever imagine anyone ever being interested in me again. He's just made me feel so unworthy. I know...I know...I'm not, but that isn't how I see myself.<P>Anyway, it STILL makes me angry and I STILL don't know what to do with the committment I made to him...thru better or worse. I can't live in a marriage without love and feelings, just committment. Yet, I honor and value the committment...and it's so ingrained in me (from my own self)...I just don't know how to or if it's time to let go.<P>Anyway, just wanted to let you know you're not the only one that feels that way. I posted this quandry before in another forum and someone responded that maybe the lack of feelings is God's way of protecting me. Just a thought.<P>Aloha.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mrs.O:<BR><B>The thing I thing I'm mostly mad about is that he's totally wrecked it for me. I feel like there is no future hope of happiness for me...with him or with anyone else. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi Mrs. O,<P>It sounds like you still have some issues to work out. Anger is a self-defeating thing. I don't say this to be judgmental, but from experience. One thing I regret in my marriage is the anger I held on to. I know it created and exacerbated a lot of the problems in my relationship, so I hope that you find a way to let go of it so that it doesn't get the best of you. Oh, it's so destructive to the owner of it.<P>Please don't let your H defeat you by taking away your ability to love. This is something we give ourselves. Your H is not all men. He is not all people. If you don't allow yourself the chance to open up again, how will you ever be whole again? Do you want that loving part of you destroyed forever?<P>I know that by baring our hearts we subject ourselves to betrayal and pain, but it is also by bearing our hearts, either to the one we commited to or to someone new, that we are able to experience the full joy of love. Partial commitment= partial joy. What do you want?<P>I hope you are able to feel something again and experience the love God wants us all to live in. You will. I believe it. <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by popeye:<BR><B>Your H is not all men.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>He was to me....I waited to become involved (both sexually and fairly intimately) with a man until I married...at age 31! He's the only man I truly gave myself to. My whole mind, body, spirit, psychie...everything...was geared toward one man, one husband, one relationship, 'till death do us part! <P>I look at myself in the mirrow now and think "I failed. Who could love me...for ME? I'm not a young, vibrant, slim, beautiful 22 year old anymore..." I feel like used goods, like someone's left-overs. What do I do with my belief that marriage is forever?<P>And THAT's what makes me angry. It's not so much at my husband (although it must be), it's just that I used to really like me and I had such good self esteem...even when I knew I wasn't Cindy Crawford. I was funny, witty, sarcastic, good looking, etc. and I liked me. I was the most loyal friend you could have. And I loved fully and innocently. The anger comes from feeling like that was taken from me, and I guess I feel like it was my H that took it from me. Was it? Or do I just need to grow up and see the world for what it is.<P>So how do I deal with the anger? I mean REALLY! I went to a counselor and all she wanted me to do was drop him and go ahead and be angry! I think anger begets anger...but I also don't want to stuff it. So WHAT is inbetween....IN REAL PRACTICAL TERMS?<P>Sorry if this sounds harsh or angry....I'm having a bad day at work. And I spent all weekend mowing, weedwhacking and pruning our "yard" (I live on 15 acres, 3 acres in yard!). I'm probably just tired and although I love where I live and don't want to move, I'm mad at my H for getting us into this living situation and then up and splitting...it takes soooo much work and I'm afraid I won't be able to do it all myself and will loose the place! It just feels like my whole life it falling apart bit by bit.<P>Sorry....now I'm crying. I gotta go. Thanks.<P>

Hi popeye,<P>I really do feel like you do. Don't give a darn about him, OW, the new OW that he's cheating on the old OW with already - none of anything he's doing has ANY effect on me anymore, and I'm starting to feel really happy again (my weight is coming back, darn). I totally understand what you're saying, but some people take that as cold and as if I never loved him or something. I also waited for him. He had no remorse, and in fact just kept trying to cover it back up and continue like he'd been doing for the duration of our marriage (again, what planet was I on?). Just constant disrespect. The only thing I feel now is jipped for 20 years of what I thought was a loving marriage, but I don't feel angry because I just don't care. I guess maybe it's easier for me because this wasn't just a one-time affair out of the blue. It was on-going throughout our marriage and I just found out last October. It just dawned on me at one point that the reality of having him back would be worse than being alone because he doesn't intend to change his zipper activity. He basically gave us up for sex, and if that's all we're worth to him - I'm going with Plan C and that's wherever God leads me from here.<P>I do have to say tho, and I mentioned it in another thread, that last week he umped my son's baseball game and I started to get a twinge of missing him again, and I was a little stunned because I thought I was past that. But that's when my "fantasy world" kicks in and I miss all the things I THOUGHT he was rather than what he really was. Mostly, when I'm in reality, none of all the other "players" in this tragedy bother me anymore. I believe I can even forgive him and her and her and her and her and her now, but it took getting this far to even be able to do that.<P>God bless, Kathy

wow, i feel like i could be writing a lot of this, from everyone's perspective. i told H to please stop talking to me for a few days, and in his mind, that constraint is off, so he's called me all day and told me about this erotic dream he had about me, and frankly, i don't want to hear it. i have the anger at my 'fantasy' life being taken away, his vows meant nothing, and all i wanted was a family, and he has never been that at all. i just want him and his "broken brain" to leave (he is so polished a sociopath, he can make it LOOK like he has a concsience, which is how he fooled me at first, and kept me hanging around).<BR>popeye, i am almost where you are, almost over him completely--if even for a few days--<BR>im keeping myself as busy as possible so i won't want to call him or answer his calls, but there are still some "what if's", and "should i go home early"s?...i mean, i have not even filed for diorce yet, but this simply cannot go on...<BR>good luck to you that your rollercoaster is ending, i hope it is.<BR>julie