I need help. The decision I make impacts my kids and that's why it's SO difficult. But, after reading this board I'm so impressed with the level headed loving parents here that I need your advice. Be patient, this may be long. My ex is a bitter and sick man who has been living with a bitter sick gf for about 3 years. Believe me, SHE is. His parents and siblings do not allow her in their home because she's so nasty. She also hates my kids because they remind her of me. So, when my ex and I first divorced he took all of his visitation (lives 2 miles away). Papers state every other weekend Fri-Monday night, half of all school breaks and half of the summer. On top of that, I live close hoping he could be involved in anything he wanted too with his kids. So, when he was taking his visitation it was a nightmare of him playing games. Kids were not allowed to call me and he got an unlisted # so I couldn't call them. One time on his weekend visitation he took off with them for TWO weeks not telling anyone where they were and he wouldn't allow the kids to call me. I won't go into detail but the abuse from him and his ex caused me severe physical problems (stomach illness). After getting tired of doing that for a couple of years, they (him and his gf) just decided that they wouldn't have the kids around (her choice). So, after first just not showing up for visitation and leaving me with 2 crying kids wondering why) he just stopped all together. No visitation, no phone calls, no nothing. EXCEPT, once in awhile when the kids begged he'd agree to take them for a day. Of course, he refused unless I would drive them to his home. Divorce papers state he is responsible for ALL transportation but big deal, it's 2 miles and it's important for the kids. So, he'd call out of the blue on a Friday night, talk to son and say he wanted to spend the following day with them. They would get SO excited. I'd ask what times and he'd say something like "Oh, get them here at 10:00 a.m. and I'll bring them home at 8:00". Kids knew that if he pulled his past stunts of not bring them home until hours later I would no longer allow these last minute visits. Legally, if he can't or won't exercise his entire visitation I'm not obligated to jump when he says. But, it's not a pissing match, it's two kids that want to see their dad and if that means changing my plans and getting them there when ever he says I'll do it, and I did. Things went well for a couple of years. He saw them 4-5 times per yr. for a few hours at a time. I brought them to his home, he brought them home, ON TIME. Kids accepted their father as the man he was and things were much calmer. Now, he calls our home last Tuesday and asks son about Father's Day. Son explains that we are open to what he has planned. All weekend, one day, a couple of hours....what ever. Dad says he has plans Fri. and Sat. but I can bring them over to his house on Sun. at 10:00 a.m. Son says good and when will he bring them back? He says "Oh 10 or 11 that night". That isn't acceptable and he said it knowing that! They get up at 6:30 and are starting day camp so they need their sleep. I'm in bed at 9:00!! Divorce papers state 6:00 p.m. return time for Father's day. So, I tell son that's too late and how about 8:00 p.m.? Dad reverts to the age of 4 and starts playing games. Oh, 10:45, no? how about 10:30. This goes on and on until I get mad and say "If you can't have them home by 8:30 then don't take them at all!". He drops it. So, Sunday morning (long story), we ended up with one vehicle instead of 2. My husband had the 1 out of town picking up his kids and I couldn't get my 2 to their father by 10:00. At 9 son calls his dad, explains situation and asks if he'll pick them up. Or, mom (me) can get them there by 10:30. He says he will not pick them up and if I don't have them there by 10:00 he'll keep them an extra half hour. He can't drive 2 miles to get his kids?<BR> <BR>Help guys. Legally if he doesn't exercise his full-visitation weekend I don't have to let them go. example: He may say I can't pick them up Fri but I can Sat. and I could tell him that we have plans, that won't work and he'll have to forfeit. I DON'T do that! I make the kids available when he decides he wants to be a dad for a few hours. But, now he's starting with the games again and my gut can't take it. I threw up for 15 minutes after son got off of the phone with him. I could take him to court to have his visitation reduced. Why? He doesn't take it anyhow and I can't handle another court appearance with him. Opens it up for him to become more bitter and harass me. I could tell him that if he can't pick his own kids up they won't go. But, what he'll do then is call me late that night and tell me that if I want the kids to come and get them. For the kids sake, I drive them to his home. Our son will not speak up to his father (he's 12). He's afraid of him and loves him. He's afraid if he says something his dad will get mad and never see him. I just don't know what to do. But, my current plan (and I want your opinion), is to continue to drive them when he calls with a set time he plans to return them. Explain to him and the kids that as long as he continues to bring them home on time his desires of when he wants to see them will be accomodated. If the games start again and he's bringing them home late I will fall back on the court ordered visitation schedule only. Which means, he'd have to take them an entire weekend, which he doesn't want to do. Ideas anyone?

God, what a nightmare!!! I guess if I were you, for now I would keep up the present arrangement. I think it's really a way to keep you (and kids) under his control, but they need to see their dad when he allows it (I guess). But this whole business about bringing them back late, I just don't know. I mean, as mothers, we know they need their sleep (as do we), but how do you reason with someone obviously trying to push your buttons? The only thing I can say is to try to reason with him calmly. Try not to get drawn into his little game. Make it clear that anytime past 8 pm is just too late as you go to bed early and the kids need their sleep for their full days. If he can't abide by that, then I don't know. The best thing you can probably do is to stay calm and that way maybe he will realize what an a$$ he is being. You are not being unreasonable, in fact, I think you are bending over backwards to accomodate him. Like me, I'll bet you never thought your life would come to this. My H is already starting to pull away on his weekends. And it's only been 6 months. I hope he will cut the crap and just try to be a good father. I know nothing I said was very helpful, but I honestly don't know what to tell you.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Bonnie,<P>Just a suggestion. Since you've taken on the burden of driving them over there, why not offer to ALSO pick them up at 8 PM and drive them back home.<P>It is only 2 miles...and that would eliminate the problem. The real issue here, as you well know, is a control struggle. If you take control of this end of visitation too...you win.<P>The important thing is to make your life, and your children's lives less stressful, and don't worry or concern yourself with the rigthness or "fairness" of this solution...b/c none of this is right or fair.<P>It is small accommodation in the larger scheme of things.<P>Good luck.<P>~skye~<P>