I have been married for 3 &1/2 years. We don't have any kids yet. A week ago my husband informed me that he is not happy and that he does not think he can be happy with me. He wants to be alone, and thats it. He left with a small bag of clothes and I did not hear anything all week. I finally called him last night to find out what he is thinking and he told me that he thought he had made it pretty clear that it is over. He thought he was doing the "right thing" by leaving me alone to deal with my problems by myself. That is how he likes to deal with things - totally alone. He refuses to go to counselling with me, or even discuss it. This is a total shock to me. I knew we had some problems to work out but I NEVER expected this. I am so upset that I can hardly get through each day. He is all I think about. I don't know what to do. He won't talk in person, but is pretty open over the phone. I would appreciate ANY advice from anyone who has gone through a similar experience.<br>

LL<br>I'm sorry you're in a simular situation I'm in. Like you, I knew something needed fixed, but she bottles everything up until she blows. We'll been married for 9 years Nov 21 (maybe). As with you, she wants no counciling and doesn't want to deal with it. Although we are still living together, we actually aren't. We sleep in the same bed, but don't sleep together. All I can say to you is what I've been told and to do & I've been doing just that for about 2 weeks<br>Be a giver. Give without expecting anything in return. My wife finally sat down and said she can see how hard I'm working at it, without a word from me. Although she said she didn't want me to waste my time on false hopes I keep smiling & giving. Don't get me wrong, I'm a basket case at this point. But I won't let her see it. Not one tear. I've explained my love for her and our children. I told her also we need to do something & I'll be done with school at the end of spring. If we aren't better, I have to leave. I said that we'd only have a few months to either decide to give an honest effort and save ourselves and family or get the paperwork ready and prepare to lose everything we've ever built. I reminded her of all the other stuff we had to start working on IF divorce was the bottom line. Either way, I'm not happy now with the ways things are and since being a giver again, I remember how much I liked ME. I forgot how happy I was then & the more happier I feel about myself the easier it is to give. I just haven't seen anything in the "recovering" direction from her. If somehow we can get our spouses to gain some knowledge about working things out do you feel like your relationship will be stronger than ever before? I don't see how it couldn't after everything the relationship has been through & the knowledge gained. Keep your chin up, but keep the kleenex handy. Read all you can from here, because there's plenty to learn that I've found out!<br> chance

LL<br>I'm sorry you're in a simular situation I'm in. Like you, I knew something needed fixed, but she bottles everything up until she blows. We'll been married for 9 years Nov 21 (maybe). As with you, she wants no counciling and doesn't want to deal with it. Although we are still living together, we actually aren't. We sleep in the same bed, but don't sleep together. All I can say to you is what I've been told and to do & I've been doing just that for about 2 weeks<br>Be a giver. Give without expecting anything in return. My wife finally sat down and said she can see how hard I'm working at it, without a word from me. Although she said she didn't want me to waste my time on false hopes I keep smiling & giving. Don't get me wrong, I'm a basket case at this point. But I won't let her see it. Not one tear. I've explained my love for her and our children. I told her also we need to do something & I'll be done with school at the end of spring. If we aren't better, I have to leave. I said that we'd only have a few months to either decide to give an honest effort and save ourselves and family or get the paperwork ready and prepare to lose everything we've ever built. I reminded her of all the other stuff we had to start working on IF divorce was the bottom line. Either way, I'm not happy now with the ways things are and since being a giver again, I remember how much I liked ME. I forgot how happy I was then & the more happier I feel about myself the easier it is to give. I just haven't seen anything in the "recovering" direction from her. If somehow we can get our spouses to gain some knowledge about working things out do you feel like your relationship will be stronger than ever before? I don't see how it couldn't after everything the relationship has been through & the knowledge gained. Keep your chin up, but keep the kleenex handy. Read all you can from here, because there's plenty to learn that I've found out!<br> chance

LL<br>I'm sorry you're in a simular situation I'm in. Like you, I knew something needed fixed, but she bottles everything up until she blows. We'll been married for 9 years Nov 21 (maybe). As with you, she wants no counciling and doesn't want to deal with it. Although we are still living together, we actually aren't. We sleep in the same bed, but don't sleep together. All I can say to you is what I've been told and to do & I've been doing just that for about 2 weeks<br>Be a giver. Give without expecting anything in return. My wife finally sat down and said she can see how hard I'm working at it, without a word from me. Although she said she didn't want me to waste my time on false hopes I keep smiling & giving. Don't get me wrong, I'm a basket case at this point. But I won't let her see it. Not one tear. I've explained my love for her and our children. I told her also we need to do something & I'll be done with school at the end of spring. If we aren't better, I have to leave. I said that we'd only have a few months to either decide to give an honest effort and save ourselves and family or get the paperwork ready and prepare to lose everything we've ever built. I reminded her of all the other stuff we had to start working on IF divorce was the bottom line. Either way, I'm not happy now with the ways things are and since being a giver again, I remember how much I liked ME. I forgot how happy I was then & the more happier I feel about myself the easier it is to give. I just haven't seen anything in the "recovering" direction from her. If somehow we can get our spouses to gain some knowledge about working things out do you feel like your relationship will be stronger than ever before? I don't see how it couldn't after everything the relationship has been through & the knowledge gained. Keep your chin up, but keep the kleenex handy. Read all you can from here, because there's plenty to learn that I've found out!<br> chance

how that happened, I don't know. Sorry

Chance - I tried last nite to be the way you are being - regardless of what happens I am going to be HAPPY. Act happy, and be a giver. I did that last nite when I got home from my sons banquet (not his son) even though I was ticked that he wouldn't go with me. But I was HAPPY - I talked to him, asked him if he wanted dinner, how his day was, just a happy little clam with the family and guess what? It worked. He was just Mr. happy too - and everyone went to bed last night in great moods. Like you, it makes you realize that YOU are happy about yourself and it made me feel good. If anything - its worth that. Granted, it doesn't resolve our problems (only lets them go to the background) but there is no conflict and it worked for me. <p>BUT we live with our spouses and she doesn't so its harder for her to be happy and let him see it.

Wow Cndy!<br>That's terriffic! Keep up the good work and don't rush it. You'll probably know when it's ok to get other issues in the open, but until then, try to keep the motivation up.<br>I'm still giving my heart away to her. This morning I told her to sleep in & served her breakfast in bed. Still no headway. I'd give a quick peck on my way out the door & still a slight turn of her head so it was on her cheek & not lips.<br>It shreads my heart each time over, but I smile as I walk out the door. Things seem like they aren't working spite my total efforts. She knows I've learned and understand what I needed to know all this time. Is it that it's just too late?<br>chance

I really don't know the answer to that Chance. Its so STRANGE how we are all so different. If it were me; I'd think the way you were reallly trying was GREAT and it would mean SO MUCH to me for someone to be trying that hard for "my" relationship. <p>You know what though? It makes a good man out of you - and if (IF) it does not work out - you know deep in your heart and soul that you truly did give it your BEST shot and I think its GREAT that your doing that! Keep it up.

Hello,<p>I really like your advice about giving. However, what happens if you already give too much and your mate is aware of that, therfore your mate starts to feel quilty about leaving you and then stays. How can you tell guilt love from someone who truely decides they are still in love with you?<p>thx - peterl P.S. I posted the folder that my wife does not love me anymore.

LL,<br>In this sight I read that the worst thing you can do is chase and get clingy. I wish I had known that when I was seperated in the begining. Its what I do now but the first 6 months all I did was chase her. Like a stinking little dog. It was a big mistake, it just makes them want to run away. I'v seen it first hand but I cant go backward but I can warn you.<br>Ken

Thank you all for all of the advice. I have definitely found myself "chasing" by the end of the 2 phone conversations I have had with him. As I was doing it I knew I shouldn't be and I have promised myself I won't do it again. He is out of town at night with his job, but that should end next week. Will he come home then? I don't know, but if he does I will be the "givingest" person I can be. I really think that could make a big difference because one of the few things he has said to me is that he is tired of putting everyone else first and himself last. If I make a big effort to always put him first, I think he MIGHT respond. I'm willing to try anything. He has told me I can call him whenever I want so I left him a message today just to apologize for getting so hysterical when I talked to him the other night. I don't know if he'll call back - probably not. Should i call every now and then just to keep in touch or is that going to annoy him? Again, thanks for all of the advice. It really helps to hear from people in similar situations.

All,<p>It's good to see how everybody is coping here even though it's killing us inside. Like Chance said, you're a basket case while you're doing it.<br>Perception is a big player in all this. It is so very, very hard to do all this giving while you perceive it all rolling off your mate like water off a duck's back. And how to function every day and fulfill the duties you simply cannot afford to shirk while this piercing sadness grips your heart is the most difficult thing I've ever done.<br>For those of us who mange to finally get through this thing with intact relationships I cannot see how we won't have a love that will be strong as steel. You can just sense how great it will be. But the thought that you may not get the chance to prove the intense sincerity that is in your heart is something you can't afford to think on too long without feeling like losing it.<br>I find it so very sad to read these posts, see new people coming on with new names but basically replaying the problems of those that have been here a while. It's like we're all walking in the dark and falling in the same pit in droves. What makes it so pathetic is that the knowledge of how to prevent falling in this pit is not secret or kept in books for a choic few. Once we fall in the pit we suddenly find out how availble the knowledge is and how easy it would have been to do preventive maintainence.<br>The thought the the most important thing in the world to you may be wiped away by errors that could have been easily avoided is sorrowful indeed. <br>If I survive this with my family intact I can tell you all that this is one person who will never again take something of such importance for granted.