Today is the day. I am going to my attorney's to sign our divorce agreement. H asked me last Friday if I wanted him to come with me (to hold my hand???). I told him no, I would be fine by myself. He also started complaining last week about his finances, how he never has any money, and on and on. I told him I was sorry, but I couldn't listen to his complaints anymore. He had made his decision (OW) and he needed to discuss those things with her. I don't know if he was trying to get me to agree to less child support or what, but he is already paying the "low-end" of support for 3 kids...of course he is also paying alimony. I'm not hurting financially, so don't get me wrong, but honestly, what did he expect? Did he think this was going to be easy? He knew how strapped we were when we were living together. Now there are 2 households...1 mortgage, 1 rent, 2 phone bills, 2 electric bills, 2 gas bills, 2 yards to keep up...I could go on. And now he's complaining? I told him and told him how hard it would be back 6 months ago. And did he listen??? NO! I guess by telling him to go to the twinkie with his problems I committed a huge LB, but I really don't want to hear it. I didn't choose this. HE DID. And now I get to go to the lawyer's office today and get on with the business of dissolving our marriage. I'm sorry...but this just $uck$!!!<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

I feel for ya...goign to the attys and signing the papers was very tough for me as well.....<BR>I have to admit, there was a sense of finality about it that I liked. I had been living in limbo for two years and just couldn't handle it anymore. But he was cold and distant when we did it, and that bothered me. Maybe that was his way of handling it. <BR>Now I have to decide if I want to open any more cans of worms with the aaty. My X has not paid any support for over two months now. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Keridywn:<P>I hope it went ok today. It is hard to see those papers no matter how you feel about the whole situation. <P>When my x said he wanted to leave me and admitted to another woman, he said he didn't want anything, he wanted to make sure the kids and I were taken care of and would give me everything he could (which he did but we really don't have anything, so it doesn't amount too much). At the time, I told him the same things you did about what it would mean financially for him and me and the kids and he just looked really hurt and said, "of course he had thought about that". But, I knew at the time, he was only thinking about getting out as fast as he could so he could be with the OW without anymore guilt. I told him I hoped the OW had a lot of money because he was going to need it. He said that was a terrible thing to say but I meant it because he would need it. Now, the OW is out of the picture and we are both living by our shoestrings. He keeps telling me how he can barely make ends meet, blah, blah, blah. And, I just tell him, that was his choice and I'm not living much better either. I do have more money but I have the kids to support, etc. The house is on the market and I will hopefully be moving to a smaller home or townhome if I can afford it. Especially now with the interest rates going up and up. Why don't they see that no one wins in a divorce? Why do they think they always have it worst? Don't let him play with your emotions. Stick to your guns. You will need what you agreed to in your settlement. I do from time to time give him some extra money if I have it but that is not very often (I get his paychecks until the house sells and he lives off an allowance).<P>Take care.

Keri,<P>Sending you hugs, strength and prayers<P>Dana<BR>

A very tough day for you,<P>when I did it, I was so nervous beforehand, I thought I was going to vomit in the parking lot. My hands shook so bad I could hardly sign my name. <P>But it was over so quickly, it was so routine, it was so matter of fact in there, so impersonal and legal. That was when I burst into tears. Which of course, got me laughing, having all these clerks and people I didn't even know handing me tissues - everyone had a box at hand. So I guess my reaction was pretty typical. <P>Don't feel guilty about the financial situation, I think it is universal, that every spouse left behind points out the financial mess that a divorce will cause, to no avail. And then has to listen to the complaints of how hard it is, like it is YOUR fault he doesn't have the same disposal income as before. It isn't. My ex still complains like I am taking more than I need,but it is a like a spreadsheet here - X no. of children times X salary = X dollar amount. Very cut and dried.<P>

Hope you made it through ok. It was tough but I was so relieved to have it over. Only, I had to go to court. Ours was to be a contested case but we hammered it out in the hallway beforehand.<P>Surreal is the best word I can use to descrive it. I had the worst case of mixed emotions. <P>I had done all I could to save my marriage. That hadn't been possible. I knew everything would eventually be ok. So money's as tight as a tick, we're making it.<P>God has always taken care of me even though I've floundered a lot. Life isn't easy, is it?

<BR>Geez it sure isn't.<P>And you are right about God taking care of you. I had always taken my religion for granted. Never really thought about it much. I was raised going to church, didn't do it much as a single woman, but went back when I had kids. It was just the thing to do. But man, when something like this kicks, your faith kicks in. I would have died without it. I asked my ex over and over to go talk with a minister.<P>I went through a few divorce groups before I found the right one - one was full of a bunch of pathetic doormat women, one was a bunch of bitter man-bashing women - but finally I found faith-based one, with a mix of level-headed men and women, mostly were the betrayed ones, but basically all wanted their marriage back. A few things that really helped me - the session of "when do you stop praying for reconciliation, and start praying for healing."<P>2. When I stopped praying for my ex to dump the girl, and I started praying for guidance to "do the right thing" and <P>3. WHen I was sincere in praying for Jesus to take away the pain, so I would stop hurting.<P>I waited 18 months for my ex to "pick me" before I went through with the divorce. <P>While I do believe people can change, I know I can't change the ex. It has to come from within him. I don't think it is going to happen.<P>I would have had to go to court, if I hadn't been so objective (he called it cold) about his affair, and been very methodical about paperwork, documentation, credit card, financial records, etc, you name it, I did it. All through tears. But oh, did it save me alot of heartache (and both of us alot of money in the long run - it would have been the same result, but a long circuitous route)<P>I moved on, just like you did, because I had to. Life does go on, and that is something everyone of us here discovers sometime. <P><BR>

Just a little update...yes I made it through and I didn't cry. So, as soon as H signs the agreement and we both attend "Children of Divorce" classes, it's 30 days until it's final. I can hardly believe it! Only 30 days to destroy a marriage...actually it was destroyed by H long ago, but only 30 days to dissolve it. It's sad and pathetic really. Never thought I would be here. But here I am and I made it through yesterday. The lawyer I am seeing has a very nice paralegal and she and I have hit it off nicely. So that makes it somewhat easier. <P>I appreciate all your words of encouragement. Although I am not Christian, I find my religion has helped me get through this as well. I strongly believe that things happen for a reason and there must be some lesson in all this that I need to learn. I also realize that until this happened to me, I had never dealt with grief or loss in my life. So this is my first brush with it. I suppose we all are forced to deal with loss at some time in our lives and this is my turn. It isn't easy and it gives me a new perspective for people who have been through horrendous experiences. It makes me realize how precious each moment is and that it's not to be squandered. You never know what's in store for you so you need to live life to the fullest. <P>I have also realized that my H never fully accepted me or who I am. He had some issues with my personal beliefs that I believe he couldn't get past for whatever reason. I am finding that I don't want to sacrifice myself or my values for anyone...not even my H. Maybe there is something wrong with that, but I don't think so. It's part of who I am. I always accepted him and his beliefs and ideals, but he never really returned the favor to me. <P>Well, now I'm rambling...getting into things I have been debating within myself. Thanks everyone for your input. Now if only I can locate H. I think he's away with OW because he isn't returning calls to me or lawyer. And he wanted this so badly!<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Dear K,<BR>reading your story makes me think my H will be experiencing the same thing.He has been living with OW and Oc for only a few days.But didnt he realize he would have 2 of everything?soon2bx

Keridwen,<P>I'm so sorry...this is very hard. Everything will be fine.....look I made it through it all without a tear...well I did sob in the van...but he didn't see it.<P>We are the ones who tried...really tried...and they just floated through all of this in their dream land.<P>Good luck<P>Nancy