I am dragging my W to mediation<BR>tomorrow, as she says I can't move in<BR>with her when she moves in two weeks.<BR>She has had an EA with someone, but who is not around at the moment. She knows she<BR>started this whole mess two years ago.<P>What will be going through her mind as<BR>we put together a divorce agreement?<P>I have told her that I will stop it at any time, but she is putting me into a legal bind.<P>Have any suggestions as to how to Plan A during a mediation agreement?<P>thl<BR>

I've been through mediation for child custody. I still don't understand what it is with where you live. You as the father should have an equal shot at custody. Why do they automatically go with her? <P>My x had custody of our daughter (long lying bad news story) and he sat in that room and said no to everything I asked for. He wanted to fight over holidays, weekend visitation, everything.<P>The mediator was the person that stepped in and made him see reason. There was a short interview privately with each of us before the session to discuss our expectations for the outcome of the session. <P>THIS IS THE CRUCIAL MOMENT!! YOU MUST WORK AS HARD AS POSSIBLE TO HAVE THE SOCIAL WORKER SYMPATHETIC TO YOU AND YOUR CAUSE - if indeed it is you w that has all the power. Tell her (or him) that you are heartbroken, that you have been trying to repair the marriage, that your wife is emotionally involved. (but don't come across as bitter) Tell "her" how much you will miss your children and emphasize the amount of time that you normally would spend with them. Offer to cover for times when your w would be at work.<P>Most of all, do not "diss" you stbx? or sound bitter or angry. You want to make this person work FOR you if things get ugly.<P>Good Luck!! <P>H

thy,<BR>My minister friend basically told me not to use the divorce proceedings as a punishment. Allow for generous visitations, etc. I believe you said there would not be any financial problems for you so don't try to creat any for her.<P>My x would never tell me how much she was making since she moved out and was working almost full time. So I allowed her to claim what she made in 98 working part time for the full year. I found out when I did the taxes she made over $4000 more last year and will earn about $7-8000 more this year. I can refile for additional support if I want, i believe 6 months after the divorce. <P>When I am angry I think about doing that.<P>Bob

Harlequin Thanks! Good points!<BR>WOW! <P>The only financial sticking point, and I have legal precedence for it, is that she gets a 3,500 sq foot rent free house as part of her income. What's the value of that? I have to go out and rent one or buy one. At $1.5 per sq ft per month, that's alot of fringe benefit.<P>That's the only difference. Otherwise, I have no problems with the money.<P>tom<P>

when I...<P>I don't know that you can Plan A and eliminate LB's when in mediation. The whole ordeal is painful.<P>I went thru this for a few visits. Its hard work. All I can suggest is, Plan A BUT keep your legal interests and future at the top of your priority. I truly believe you have to prepare for the fact that you will never recover and at least you will be covered.<P>I agree, don't use this as punishment. I could have punished my ex big time, but I have no desire to do that. There has been enough pain and suffering and I don't care to be the cause of any of it.<P>Good luck, Dana<BR>

Hi,<P>I mediated with my stbx and we were complimented on our respect towards each other. I had an accountant come w/me and he said he had never sat through a mediation where the couple is "not" glaring at each other over the table. <P>I promised myself that I was going to be the better person. He left and he refused to file, he still is sitting on those final papers, but I still do not lovebust or talk bad about him to the kids. It is the best revenge to live and be happy. It is a good idea to get the person mediating to like you and sympathize with your situation. I had a sweet ex judge, who really watched out for me. My lawyer was very picky about who she picked. She had a relationship w/this judge and that was a benefit also. I paid a bundle to get the best mediatior in seattle but it was well worth it. <P>Anyway good luck. It is hard to grin and bear it but that is what you do without the grinning. <P>GP

Yes,<P>We have a good mediator, its just that I have an unusual situation.<P>My W gets a lower salary in exchange for<BR>having a house. The houses can be very large, up to 6,000 sq ft.<P>So working through the income formulas, it<BR>never shows up as an income and an expense.<P>Legal question, how does one enter it on the<BR>financial form?<P>I live in an expensive area, she is pleading poverty (without benefit of the house).<BR>I want ot buy a house in the area to live nearby so as not to disturb the kids. I need the money to pay the mortgage.<P>Is this beating up on my W? I just want someone to tell me what numbers are fair?<BR>Is that too much to ask?<P>thl

WhenIfindthetime,<P>When my mediation took place we split up our residences, he had bought a house during seperation worth almost a million. I kept our primary residence. I was forced to use the last appraisal done on the house when we refinanced. My house ended up appraising for $30k more. I had to give him more of the community assets to make up for this number. So because she is getting the house, that will be under her name on the ledger. You only count what you own on it not what you owe. We both leased cars and they were not even taken into consideration, even though his car was valued at triple mine.<P>Getting a true value on the house and other items is important. I am in a community property state, so I knew that I should at least get 50%. The judge gave me more because I havent been employed for 10 years and I have a health condition that is only going to get worse over time.<P>You sound like you are more freaked about the unknown. Just stay calm and try not to get angry. State your case in a clear and consise manner. take care<P>G

the house is not hers, her employer.<P>Hey, I do financial modeling. I value intangibles, value companies to be bought and sold.<P>I know how to value it, it is just that <BR>I don't know if it should be valued or not,<BR>and if so, what is an acceptble formula for the fair market value?<P>thl<BR>

thl,<BR>I guess if you want to be fair, where would she live if she didn't have housing supplied?<P>But the point is, she is the one that wants out of the marriage so that would be her problem, right?<P>Look out what is best for your kids and you in that order. Let her worry about herself.<BR>Looking out for her will only allow her to more easily follow through with the divorce.<P>By making her see the light of reality, that she will have to make it on her own, that she may truly see what she has made happen.<P>My x has not worked full time since our d was borne almost 13 yrs ago. When I told her I would not support her when she moved out she started to think about what she was doing. However om came and bailed her out by paying for her week long stay at a hotel and being able to pay part of the apartment that they moved into. I still would like to know where he gets his money. His mother I think.<P>Good Luck,<P>p.s. ARe you doing joint parenting? Are you going to be the residential parent ?<P>Bob

Bob,<P>no, and that's OK, because I will get them in the end, not now, but when they understand and see the light.<BR> <BR>Its only a matter of time.<P>thl<BR>