Quick Summary: I'm separated from my H of 11 years who's having an affair with a co-worker (separated for 6 months). He's left the home and is living with her and also at his apt.<P>Situation: If my H files for divorce and we go into mediation and split the expenses, etc. (which I think we can do fairly easily and civily), I will still find myself in a fairly poor financial situation when all is said and done. I've been trying to figure some of this stuff out just so I'm ready in case it actually happens.<P>I've wondered about filing against the OW for Alienation of Affection. I have several e-mails between H and her that mention that she KNEW she was taking him from me (her words) and how "bad" she felt, but she did it anyway. (Blech!!!) This in response to my e-mail to her asking her to leave him alone and let us work out the problems in our marriage without her interferrence. <P>Dr. Harley mentioned the other day on his program that it should be a crime (my paraphrase) to take another person's spouse, or something to that effect. That is SO TRUE! We put people away in the slammer for theft every day for taking tv's, computers, cars, etc. Of all the valuable things we have, our marriage is the most, and yet we don't do anything to these people who come in and lure our spouses away.<P>The only reason I would consider doing this...okay there are really two reasons:<P>1) The retirement that we were setting aside is all in my H name and with his company's retirement program. We consciously made the decision to use his company (instead of me having one and him having one), because they matched our contribution 2-to-1. So if we divorce, I have no retirement, etc. and limited finances available to me.<P>2) To make her realize that her actions have consequences.<P>I know I should leave the "punishment" of her to God; but if she stole my car, I wouldn't just leave it to God...I'd do whatever I could to remedy the situation and have her held accountable.<P>Question: So as a Christian, am I being vindictive or should I just drop it? Do I have a moral right to take this couse of action, #1 to protect myself and #2 to hold her accountable?<P>Any and all thoughts are welcome.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR> <P><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited June 22, 2000).]

Mrs O, <BR>Check with your attorney on this, but I believe that 1/2 of his retirement you are entitled to. I live in the State Of Washington and it is to be split here. <BR>Unless filing against her helps you financially, I see no reason to sue her. Even though it should be a crime, many courts would probably not do much to her. Sad, but true. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Mrs.O,<BR> I think it would depend upon your state. There is a website divorcenet.com, I believe that allows you to look into your state divorce laws.<P>As for the retirement being in your h's name, I do not believe that it makes a difference. You are entitled to 50% of the marital assets as is he.<P>Last summer, there was a case out in Ca where someone won a boatload of money, but I don't know the circumstances. I can't think of anyone on the board here that has done that.<P>I think that since society winks at affairs, that the courts probably won't allow it, but that is just my opinion.<P>I had considered it too against om's mother as she continued to call my now x when we were separated and also furnished them a vacation cruise. I had also thought about suing the hospital where they met. She said they spent a lot of time just talking and drinking coffee. Where's the supervision??? This is a hospital afterall!<P>I decided against it as I was afraid x would sek custody of the kids plus I didn't know if I could afford it, plus om's mother reportedly has some money. SO I decided to just go for the divorce and spare me and my kids any pain.

Hi Mrs. O,<P>My H left me as well for a co-worker after 17 years of marriage. I can totally sympathize with all the emotions you are going through. We are now divorced and H is still with the co-worker, though not living together.<P>I was awarded 1/2 of all marital assets, including retirement through his employer, 401K, stocks, etc. This is typical and the law in all community property states. As far as sueing the OW....well there was a time when I would have loved to do anything possible to her. Including physical violence. But sueing her for "stealing" my H? Stealing in this scenario doesn't quite fit the meaning of that word. My H, and most wandering spouses, aren't stolen per se. They are just as much at fault, and quite frankly, very willing participants in the adulterous act. So to me he wasn't stolen from me. He made a very conscience decision to engage in his behavior.<P>I'd check with your attorney about community property issues.

Thanks all for your comments.<P>While I'm aware of the 50% of all assets guideline, I was mostly trying to emphasize that when/if I get 50% of the assets, I will be in a very poor financial state because of the cost of maintaining those assets in the future (without my H's salary).<P>Also, I wouldn't be sueing her for "stealing"....that was just an example. I would be sueing her for "alienation of affection" with IS a legal term and allowed in divorce suits.<P>The real question I have is: to help suppliment my future income (after I get 50% of our assets), should I sue her for alientation of affection? Would that be moral for me as a Christian? Whatever you call it, she was actively and knowingly involved in my H's decision to break up the marriage, thus leading me to the financial state I would find myself.<P>Any more comments?<P>Thanks!<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited June 22, 2000).]

Yes, they (WS) do make a conscious decision - but if the object of their lust just said no, there would be no adultery. If OP's refused to get involved with married people, married people would have no one to cheat with!!! And yes, in some cases, lure is the right word. The WS is unhappy, desperately trying anything to "make" themselves happy. Along comes someone who is desperate, too, for a relationship and someone to "make" them happy, as well, and they (OP) tell the WS' what they want to hear, and promise to fulfill all their needs, and/or give them a preview of how wonderful life would be with them, and fulfill the WS' fantasies. This does not excuse WS' actions. But that does not mean that OP is without blame. If they know the person is married, it should be "HANDS OFF" - no questions asked. That means no sexual contact and no inapproprate emotional relationship with anyone who is married!!! Is this really so hard for so many people - to keep their hands off of other people's spouses? The OP is at least 1/2 responsible for the adultery that occurs. What happens, on the most basic level, is that assets (income, companionship, etc.) is taken from one person (spouse) and given to someone else (OP). These attributes rightly and lawfully belonged to the marriage. They are effectively transferred from one household to another (when WS moves in/marries OP) by an unlawful (in some states) act, an act that if not unlawful, is surely immoral. This is not fair to the faithful spouse who is left for someone else, who does not deserve to have their whole life torn apart, suffer financially, especially if they did nothing wrong (there areno legal grounds for WS to divorce them.) So, yes, maybe the OP should share some of the financial burden. After all, they are benefitting from the breakup of the marriage (if the affair caused the breakup and WS intends to establish a new life with OP), and gaining things that they had no real right to. It may take two to commit adultery, but it only takes one to say no and prevent it.

Perhaps (again, seek legal counsel) you should give up all or part of his retirement for more cash/assets now?? It would help your immediate situation, and you could save up your own retirement later. <BR>The other issue, I would just let it go.....<P>------------------<BR>Susan

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mrs.O:<BR><B>Thanks all for your comments.<P>While I'm aware of the 50% of all assets guideline, I was mostly trying to emphasize that when/if I get 50% of the assets, I will be in a very poor financial state because of the cost of maintaining those assets in the future (without my H's salary).<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Mrs. O,<P>I understand the financial strain you'll be under, because I, too, will feel the pinch when this is all over. The fact is, both spouses in a divorce usually can no longer maintain the standard of living they had pre-divorce. I have heard that men usually fare better than women, but I think a lot of that is because of two things. 1) Women normally have custody of the children, and child support hardly covers the expenses for rearing them. 2) The earning power of men is higher than that of women. Let's face it, the women's movement never did get us equal pay. It all boils down to no one winning in a divorce. Except the attorneys.<P>As for maintaining the assets you'll receive in the split, many people end up selling, just to be able to eke out a living. There are many ways the split can be made, and an attorney can help you best in making the decision. Sometimes, filing first can give you an edge by stating up front what you expect to get. Then comes the negotiations. I've also heard that the one who files is sometimes at a disadvantage because that's the spouse who most wants the divorce and will often give up things, just to get the whole thing over with. <P>One more thing to keep in mind. As long as you were married for at least 10 years, you'll receive half of his Social Security benefits, unless you remarry. But like everyone else has said, check with your attorney.<P>2sad<P>

I don't think suing for alienation of affection is immoral. I have heard that people successfully sue for this and wish you luck. If more of us did this, maybe OPs would think twice about doing it. <P>If you really want to do it, I say go for it. Why shouldn't the OP pay as well? The thing you should think about though is yourself. Do you want to put yourself through what is sure to be an ugly battle? Are you up for the emotional trauma?<P>I have thought of doing this as well, but I am not sure I could win. There will be divine justice for you and me, so if you decide not to, don't feel cheated. It all comes back to you.

Thanks again for your replys.<P>Lady M: Yes, you are right. I as a married woman, have been "hit on" and actually "propositioned" by men during the time I was married. And in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, I was VERY sure how to respond to these suggestions...."I'm married and NOT interested." And this to some men who WERE attractive to me and who I MIGHT HAVE been interested in if I was single (BEFORE they hit on me that is!). <P>It doesn't take even a moral person to know that adultry is wrong and that it's not OK to start a relationship with another person's spouse. They act like it "just happened".....no, you ALLOWED it and then ENCOURAGED it along.<P>The scenario that my H is taking assets that he PROMISED to share totally with me and which we built our new house and lifestyle on (not opulent) and is giving them to the OW, when by right and by law they belong to the marriage.<P>RWD: I looked up that web site and wouldn't you know it..Hawaii isn't on the list!!! O well.....<P>2Sad: But that's not justice and even tho it may be realistic and it may happen, that is part of the reason the OW should have to pay! She helped to screw up what I was entitled to. Period. Shouldn't she have to pay? <P>Also, I didn't know about the Social Security thingy....where can I find out more about this?<P>Popeye: Even if I decide not to do this, I too believe in divine justice and that she will have to reap the consequences of her actions, on a divine scale.<P>I hadn't thought about the emotional hassle that may ensue. The OW is a really quiet, shy, mealy-mouthed person who I don't think would make it a hassle...but I really don't know her that well, so you can never tell. But I have pages of e-mails between her and H that talk about this very thing....seems like that should help with the case.<P>Plus I don't necessarily want to be "tied" to her in any way in the future. I guess that's why I'm asking this question, so I can make an informed decision should the time come to act.<P>Thanks again all.....<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited June 22, 2000).]