Hi all,<P>Been lurking a while, but haven't posted because I have been doing pretty much okay until yesterday. Please help.<P>Here is my situation. My H and I have been separated for a while because of his affairs. I have not really tried to reconcile, but he said we were "working on it". We were on speaking terms all this time, but unbeknowst to me, he was dating and sleeping with his OW.<P>I guess I have been doing what you would call a Plan B for the last couple of months or so. Just no desire to see him or talk to him or anything. <P>Anyway, I think that is unraveling. He came over yesterday with the excuse that he wanted to talk about terms of the divorce. Instead he revealed that he was afraid of his future, told me that the child he thought was his ends up NOT being his at all, and told me that he finally understands that his OW and friends have been poisoning his mind against me. He told me that he loved me and that he always had. He told me that he wanted me to call him if I ever needed him. He would never let me down and never wanted to see me in pain or in need. (what?!)<P>I was floored! I was not expecting that at all!<P>Anyway, we ended up having sex. I am not sure why. I really am not into him at all and didn't feel anything. I think I did it because it made me feel like I snuck something by the OW.<P>So, I wasn't too torn up about it. Life went on, then he came over today. Just dropped in. (That's very unusual).<P>He had no reason to be here. Just wanted to see me I guess because he never did say why he came by.<P>So my problem is this. All this time I am doing fine. I have my stuff together and life is dandy. He shows up and all of a sudden I am fantasizing about whether or not we have a chance after all.<P>He has not mentioned giving up his OW. He seems to be quite settled in there. <P>Our anniversary is next week. I am wondering if I should mention it, ask him to spend it with me, not mention it, go out with him if he asks me? This is the first time I have even thought about it really.<P>I am just a mess. Is this just residual "stuff" or is this worth a second look? I don't want to get back into that emotional mess of dealing with OWs and OCs again. I am doing just fine!!! I am happier than I have been in a while and life is settling down to normal.<P>I really think all of this is just about his needing a shoulder to cry on. I am skeptical and don't want to be hurt anymore.<P>Please help. (thank-you)<p>[This message has been edited by Columbia (edited June 22, 2000).]

It sounds like you're not completely "over" your H.<P>But you've gone down the Plan B path too long.<P>This is always a possible senario... when anyone starts on Plan B (Official or Not)!<P>I think it's still a possiblity to give him an official Plan B letter...<BR>...maybe in your case... be explicit on the time frame of "no contact" with OW/OC!<P>Moving into a limbo...<BR>...when you H knows what is right...<BR>...will drain you below any Love Bank balance.<P>Just a thought.<P> <P>Jim

WHAT AN IDIOT I AM! I can't believe how such a brief contact could make me lose my mind and get ready to throw everything (my hurt and past experience) out the window for a lying, cheating, no good man. <P>I was sitting at work today dreaming of things to suggest for our anniversary. Nothing too heady or romantic. No pressure, but something low key and nice. Then, I saw something that screamed of how cozy MY HUSBAND and his SLUT still are. Boy, do I feel foolish! <P>I guess I am still susceptible to that charm and up and down roller coaster. I will be so glad when this is behind me! I am never falling for that stuff again. I've learned my lesson!

I think you need a good therapist. I don't mean that derogatorily. You have a lot going on and, if you are like me when I didn;t know what was going on, you need someone to help you sort it out. I think that he needs a good therapist too. If your marriage is to be saved - some can but some can't (Takes two working hard to build a good one and one to end it) you also need someone to help you with that.<P>I don't know how I could have gotten through what I've been through without my therapist and my therapy buddies (friends who had been down rough roads and could share experience, hope and courage).<P>SAnon - coaddict group for people who had family members with sexual addiction issues was a big help. Similar to AlAnon. No bashing of the addict. Learning about ourselves. It was wonderful.