See the background to my problems in 'I was right all along' and 'Dare I hope' and 'How to move forward?'.<br>I recently found out that my H had an affair, after suspecting for a month, and him denying it.<br>He said that he finished with her because he felt he was falling in love with her, and that it would destroy any chance of anything happening between us. He doesn't love me at the moment.<br>Can it really be love he is feeling. They were only together a few days in September, and then once in October, with phone calls inbetween. He became involved with her when things were at their lowest between him and me.<br>He is now on a 5 week long business trip, and I thought I would go to him. I feel that there is only so much you can do on the telephone, and I need to see him face to face. I did mention this to him earlier, and he said he doesn't feel able to face me at the moment, he feels so guilty. <br>However I feel like I need to insist. I must admit at the back of my mind is the feeling that she will pursue him when he is visiting America. She is the one who did all the chasing back in September, when she knew what the situation between me and my H was.<br>Thanks for listening<br>Bev

I am not sure about this but something tells me that he doesn't want you there because his girlfreind is already there.<br>You might want to ask yourself "why do i really want to go see him?". Is it because you really want to make your marriage work or because you want to catch him in the act?<p>My advice (for what it is worth) is not to go there yourself, rather hire a Private investigator.<br>If you go there yourself and catch him with the OW, then the devistation you may feel could totally rip you apart. You will be in a strange place with no friends to help you in this time of need, I am not sure if you could safely get youself home again.<p>It almost seems to me that you are blindly trusting him. He has already let you know that he is not a trustworthy person right now, and you should be a little cautious. If his habits are continuing then your health is at stake. That is not something to be taken lightly.<p>I havent read all your last topics so i really dont know your whole situation, but I hope i have helped you at least a little in making a desicion on wether to go to him.<p>Mark<p>

Hi Bev,<p> I hope Mark is wrong, but it's a possibility that you must consider. On the positive side, if he really has broken it off with the other woman, and feels remorse for his affair, going to him could be a good move.<p> As for his not wanting to see you because of the guilt, I'm feeling that you both may benefit from showing him compassion. (Not that that means you should "run" back to him, forgiving all...) He'll have to deal with his guilt internally, but you may be missing an opportunity to start to mend fences.<p> I think that would be better than allowing him to wallow in self-pity, with the possibility that the OW may come to "comfort" him. <p> I don't have Dr. Harley's book(s) that deal with recovering from an affair, but I'll bet there's some good advice to be had there.<p> Read, Pray, and follow your heart.<p>Val<p>[This message has been edited by V (edited 11-11-98).]

Well, I've spoken to him, and he does not want me to go to him. <br>I think I'm going to have to respect his wishes.<br>He says every time he speaks to me he feels worse, he is on a downward spiral at the moment.<br>When I am angry and hurt when I speak to him, he feels guilty, and when I am understanding and forgiving he feels guilty.<br>I told him all I want to do is to see him face to face and tell him it's allright. he replied I can hear it in your voice.<br>I think he is under a lot of pressure at the moment, with the stress of work, and the way he is feeling. I don't want to do anything to add to that and make him feel worse, which would drive him further away

Well from another guy's point of view, I'd have to agree with Mark. The idea of a PI to check for her, I think, would spare her some hurt rather if she had it first hand. I myself have been honestly giving my best to be & show positivity in everything, and I really do hope he's actually suffering for what he did. Good luck<br>chance

Bev,<p> Not to sound too much like our president, but - I feel your pain. I'm terrible at waiting, especially waiting for my wife to speak to me if she doesn't want to. In my case however, I ALWAYS have to be the one to initiate reconciliation (That's because, from her point of view, I'm always the transgressor.)<p>I wish I had some solid advice to give you. I know if I were in your husband's shoes (assuming he's telling you the truth, and has stopped seeing the OW) I would be so happy, even if I were ashamed, if my wife pursued me and initiated a reconciliation.<p>If I could go out on a limb here, (say my wife did what your husband did) I would do the following - Go to her, tell her that I am hurting to be away from her, forgive her for the transgression*, and bring her home with me.<p>*- That's assuming a lot. Obviously women and men aren't the same. It doesn't take her feelings into account - I don't know what's going on inside your H's head. It still assumes you H is being honest with you. (Hate to keep mentioning that, but it is possible.) As I said, if my wife came to me under similar circumstances, I couldn't help but fall into her arms. Then again, I'm a hopeless romantic.<p>These are just random thoughts, you must do what you feel is right. Consider what Mark and Chance are saying, but hope for the best. <p>Are there any common friends you could talk to? Preferably a male friend of his who could talk to him? One who he trusts who could tell him how you are feeling?<p>Hoping for the best,<br>Val <p>[This message has been edited by V (edited 11-11-98).]