I just got off the phone with stbx. I had already signed our divorce agreement. He went yesterday to sign it but didn't because he wanted some changes...minor ones. Anyway, he sounds so happy. Life couldn't be better. Everything is wonderful. We had a pleasant conversation, but when we got off the phone I just started crying. Why is it so hard for me and so easy for him? Why does this feel like somebody ripped my heart out and he's happy-go-lucky? Will I ever feel good again? This is the saddest time of my life and he's happier than he's ever been before. I just don't get it. I guess I want him to show SOME remorse. I want him to regret his decision too. We are just not following the typical pattern. Maybe I was just a rotten wife to him and that's why he's so much happier now. I never realized he was that unhappy. I thought I was a good wife and now I find myself questioning everything about myself. Is my image of myself that skewed?? I feel so lost and alone and completely misunderstood. How can he be that happy? I keep going back to the fact that I must have made his life miserable for this affair to be this good. I just hate myself. Why did this have to happen? When will I figure all this crap out? I'm just so sad. <P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

From what I've read, he is likely to experience remorse, but not for a year or so (and by that time you'll probably be the one with the great, happier-than-ever life)..<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

I understand your pain, been there, done that....<BR>I questioned myself a million times on how awful a wife I must have been for him to go somewhere else....<BR>I realize my mistakes, and I did make them. But it is a two way street, and he also did things to me that made my reactions to him what they were. <BR>My X never came to me and told me he was unhappy. he just went out and found someone else. Hid it from me until I found out. After two years of trying, I realized no matter what I did, it was ultimately up to him. And he wanted out. So I let him go. <BR>I cried many a night, many a day over this. The kids, our business, our history, the family, etc....<BR>But I realized that life has to go on. I have my kids to raise, I am a good person and have much to offer the world. <BR>So I dug my heels in and got through the divorce and life is now going along. The only regret I have is having to raise the kids in a divorced situation. My love finally died for him. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Susan

I'm quite a bit of time ahead of you, it does get better, the hurt gets less severe, the sad moments are less frequent. Funny, now that I think about it, I haven't cried in months. And there were evenings I would just sob.<P>I've been divorced over a year now, and my life is pretty darn good. Not great (yet) but good. My ex is sad, is unhappy, but remorseful? No. He still blames me for ruining his life. But I think that is how he rationalizes what a collosal screw-up he made. Pretty much the only way he can live with himself. But while the affair was going on - (18 months) he acted happy as a lark, and very nasty to me. <P>As far as being a bad wife, I know there were certain things I would have done differently, but bad? no.<P>I don't know about you, but here is an observation I have made, and it was true for me, for many of my friends.<P>I was raised by a stay-at-home mom. My dad worked hard as breadwinner, didn't have to lift a finger at home. He adored my mother, they had a true partnership - a wonderful marriage.<P>Well, just as most women do, they emulate their mothers. But I worked fulltime too. So there I was, working for 8-9 hours a day, commuting close to two, and trying to do everything I saw my mother do when I got home. I had two active and demanding boys - my youngest at 2 was still not sleeping through the night. But who got up every night? I did. Well stupid me, I was killing myself - but did the ex offer to help? No. Instead of helping me, so I would have a little free time to play with him, he found a playmate. During one of our arguments about "the girl", he complained that I was tired all the time.<P>I have stopped feeling guilty that I was not a good wife. He was not a good husband. I put the family first, he never ceased putting himself first. <P>That is the lesson I learned, that I will not make again - but I'll make sure I find a mature man who is thinking of me as much as I think of him.

This is how I felt too. I bet myself up all the time on how I must have been such a bad wife for my H to want out of our marriage so bad....for him to find O/W....BUT you know what......<P>I look back and I was a darn good wife....yes I made mistakes and I was willing to sell my soul for a second chance to make him happy...but he never gave me the chance....he betrayed me...he lied to me...he left his kids...he left behind his morals...I could go on...<P>Yes it hurts...I am not D'ed yet. I just got his new settlement papers today in the mail. It all looks so black and white....it shows nothing of our 19 years together.<P>But I am going to try to be strong and I am going to be happy.....he is not going to bring me down anymore....<P>You are a wonderful person......You WILL have a wonderful life....it will take time and faith...<P>My Mom keeps telling me to get this over with so I can be FREE....I am under a cload of doom and gloom and I am ready to see the sun.<P>They will not be happy for long...I am sure of it....but I am determined to be happy again!<P>Hang in there....cry...it is ok....let out you pain...it is only then you can begin to heal.<P>

Hi Keridwen,<P> Have you read Private Lies by Frank Pittman? It is an excellent book and will make you feel much better. What you are experiencing is typical and in time you will get better and he will crash ....he is still in the high of the romance and in his fantasy life.....You could've been the "perfect" wife and it wouldn't matter....don't beat yourself up....it is HIM not you.......LU

I'm just full of observation. Here is something else I've noticed. <P>A common bond (besides blaming ourselves) among most of the betrayed, that I have read here over the last two years or so - male and female alike - everyone here with children, is a really good parent. <P>I have thought many times, that my husband, who wasn't a bad father, and not a horrible man - how could he do it? How could he succumb to that selfish immature desire, if not for the pain it would cause me, but for the children?<P>Does anyone else think that maybe the errant spouse deep down knows that the children will be well taken care of without them, and it eases their minds, so they don't feel so guilty?<P>Sometimes I think of the irony, that being a good parent and a thoughtful spouse somehow contributed to this mess.<P>Just a thought.

Kam...thanks, that's exactly what my therapist keeps telling me. Why is it when things are going great time just flies, and when you're miserable and you WANT it to be a year from now, time just creeps? <P>Sue...went through much the same thing. Tried and tried after discovering the affair. Nothing I did was good enough, I just couldn't compare to her. Once it happened we were doomed - I just didn't see it. If only he had come right out and said this over a year ago this would all be behind me. Instead he stayed and pretended to make it work. And like you, H never told me about how he was feeling. I thought everything was OK.<P>Honey.west...YES!!! I worked full-time and came home to cook, clean up, do laundry, help with homework, get kids in the bath & bed, etc. H listened to music and played his guitar on the back porch or played on the internet. I busted my a$$ everyday. His only chores were taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn once every week or so. And then, once our oldest got to be about 11, H didn't even do THAT anymore. One of his complaints is that I never had time for him and I was too tired for sex, play, you name it...but I never got any help from him. And as far as the good parent thing? Yes, I am a good parent and always have been. I have always been OVERLY responsible. H was a good father (for play - not for discipline), but his role really hasn't changed. It's still all fun time for him and I do the dirty work. Always have, always will. <P>M3K...H acts as if our 15 years meant absolutely nothing. HE was the good guy, I was just the maid, the cook, the b!tch, and on and on. It hurts so bad sometimes. I don't feel I deserve this, but then I can't help but wonder how I got here. What did I do wrong? I know I wasn't perfect, but was I really THAT bad??? I just don't know.<P>Lu...I have heard several other people talk about what a good book that is. Does it talk about staying together? I don't want a book on how to repair my marriage...it's beyond repair. I just want something to help me deal with these stages I am going through. <P><BR>Thanks for all your responses. <P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keridwen,<P>Have you read the book "Uncoupling"? I srted to read it before I decided to give my marriage on last try. I read up throught ht chapter on "Trying" and then I stopped. I don't want to read any more of it unless the trying doesn't work.<P>But the book was dead on about the process that happens in the deterioration and ending of a marriage. Sinc eI didn't read that far into the book, I'm not sure if it will help you with the stage you're in right now, but you might want to look at it.<P>BTW, thank for responding to my thread in GQ. I only occasionally lurk in D/D, but I wanted to respond about this book. I hope it helps.<P>BTW, what everyone else said about HIM being the problem is absolutely right! There is nothing wrong with you, you are a GOOD PERSON.

Keridwen,<P>He won't always be happy. One of these days, it'll hit him. Karma, remember?<P>I've started reading John Gray's Mars and Venus Starting Over. These first few chapters have been about the stages we go through, and how we must allow all the emotions: anger, sadness, fear, and sorrow. We don't feel them in that order, but we need to go through each stage. We'll bounce back and forth between them, but to heal, we must allow ourselves to experience them, in order to go on. Don't deny yourself the sadness. Go ahead and cry. You'll soon be stronger for doing it.<P>Your H and all the others will eventually have to go through it, too, and I'll bet it causes them more pain than it has us. Men don't handle these things nearly as well as women. (Sorry guys, we're just more in touch with our emotions, as a rule.) These WS who've left behind a family will someday be facing reality. I'd hate to be in their shoes, when that happens.<P>I'm only in the beginning stage of D, but it took me a long time to see that it's the only answer. My H didn't give me a choice. I could continue with our life as it is and he keeps the OW until one of them tires of each other, or I can start a new life for myself and my kids. I still have splinters from sitting on that fence, but I know now that D is my only option for a happy life.<P>You'll be happy, soon, too, but it will be slow in coming. Each day will be a tiny bit better, until you wonder when the clouds lifted and the sun came out. It WILL happen.<P>2sad

I'm a lurker here but have gotten a lot of support and insight from you regulars. I often feel I have a lot in common with you. After 23 years of marriage my H confessed to a long term affair. He seems happy and does all the things with her he would never do with our family. After so long I feel that I know his true nature and the man I knew for almost 25 years is pretty close to the real thing. Romance lust excitement turn him into Mr. Wonderful and she must be perfect. But, he still complains of not sleeping well, stomach ailments all sorts of things that bothered him before he felt the need to confess. I think perhaps things are not perfect in paradise. We need to remember that the more fault they can place on us, the less guilt and responsibility they must accept. We are wonderful people, the WS just wishes to forget that fact for their own good. Thanks to all of you here for the support.<P>------------------<BR>

Keridwen,<P>No, it is NOT your fault. The fault actually lies with your H's inability to communicate with you during the past.<P>I ran away once, when my circuits were totally overloaded. After therapy, I was determined NOT to run away again, but to face my M and discuss MY problems. Well, that worked for 9 more years, until now when my W wants out, and she never told me about how unhappy she was. <P>If someone can't communicate with you, there are only two reasons. 1) you intimidate the other person with your pattern of responses;MB the environment is not safe; or 2) the person does not know how to communicate, or be in touch with feelings to communicate.<P>In your situation, your H <B> failed you </B> by not communicating with you. I have been there, my W personality is to avoid even healthy conflict and discussions. I talked tonight with a divorced friend of mine who said neither one of them could communicate. <P>Unfortunately, when a couple marries, we are marrying their past, and we really don't know, nor do they say, how their past has affected them.<P>Keridwen<P>either he failed you with no communication, or he is being a very selfish person. Also, and you know this, you were in a high risk marriage. Many, many of my classmates in occupations that spend alot of time away from home are divorced. Its not your fault, but partly circumstances beyond your control that you could not have predicted.<P>Keridwen,<P>don't beat yourself up, you may have made mistakes, we all do. But many here have found partners that are uncommunicative and are quitters. I hate quitters with a passion. Don't you?<P>You just had no way of knowing his latent defect. Please don't take HIS failure as<BR>all your failure. <P>I wish I could stop by and give real hugs. I hate the wives of some of my friends who quit just because they were impatient, weak and lonely souls.<P>You can do it. Maybe Plan B is the best for you right now. think about it.<P>thl

Truthseeker...I haven't heard of that book, but I am going to a nice large bookstore tonight and I am going to haunt the Marriage/Divorcing section. I need all the help I can get. I have to bring up the fact that I have always had self-esteem issues. I can be very fragile in that respect. It's something I constantly have to work on. I guess there's a part of me that feels somewhat unworthy to be happy. Maybe that sounds strange to anyone who hasn't had self-esteem problems, but, for me, it's been a lifelong battle. This was another dent in the fender, so to speak.<P>2sad...I will check out that book also. I initiated our divorce because I realized that he was unwilling to work on it at all. He had given up long ago and was just going through the motions for a long time. He just didn't let me in on it until December 1999. I don't know if divorce is best, but I do know that I was stressed and unhappy and weepy when he was living here those last couple of months. It was almost unbearable. He was so angry and cruel to me. At least with him gone I don't have him pointing his finger at me along with my own. But you are right, what goes around, comes around. I just hope I'm there to see it.<P>Jame...I know exactly what you mean. I always begged my H to take Memorial Day weekend off so we could go on an anniversary trip. He never would. Too busy at work, or it would seem like he was whining to his boss, etc. But this past Mem. Day, he took off and took the OW on a trip. On OUR anniversary! Talk about a slap in the face. If he had been 1/2 as attentive to me as he is with her, we wouldn't be in this situation. All the things he does for her I used to wish he would do for me. Alas, he never did. <P>WhenIFindtheTime...well, you hit that nail on the head. H was NOT good at communicating with me. He faked his way through the last year of our marriage and the only place it REALLY showed up was the bedroom. He almost never slept with me, and when he did it was for one thing. I won't go into our sexlife that last year, but suffice it to say, it got scary and bizarre. And he became a BIG TIME porn addict. He had always shown those tendencies but not to the extent of the last year. I think deep down I knew something was wrong but I couldn't deal with it. He got really bad only when he was in frequent contact with OW. When he was not talking to her, things were actually pretty normal. I just realized that. A lot of his actions were probably spurred by his guilt and my inability to be HER. Interesting.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keridwen<P>I was also thinking about a different scenario for you to think about.<P>Suppose for you, the relationship was a<BR>B+. That's pretty good, respectable, nothing to complain about.<P>Suppose to your XH, the Relationship was a B-, that's ok, respectable, but could use a little improvement. <P>Now these grades reflect the person, not the other person.<P>Suppose that the OW hit certain nerves, memories, etc, that caused your XH to feel<BR>like an A-, or even an A.<P><B> Does that turn your B+ into an F? NO! </B><P>It just means that Mr. Selfish, Mr. I want to improve myself with the least amount of work possible, Mr. Lazy, found a way to cheat to get an A-.<P>What he didn't learn is that he may have cheated himself, but will not find out about it until the past catches up with him.<BR>Karma often has a way of getting back at people.<P>take care, work on yourself, get out and find ways to Plan B for awhile. Contact obviously makes you weaker. Get good with Plan B, now lets GO!<P>good luck!<P>thl

WOW! Thanks all! I know these comments were not actually directed to me, but somehow, I have also found strength in them. I just finally went to see the lawyer, and the prognosis stinks, but the fact that I will make it eventually is making me able to walk through this fire. And so much of what you all are saying really hits home for me, too. So many of us going through the same emotions -- I am glad we have each other!

Hi Keridwen,<BR> <BR> Just wanted to answer about Private Lies......it's not too much of a "how to get back together" book but instead chronicles the typical path that people go down when there is betrayal and then divorce.<BR> <BR> Pittman(the author) says that when one is thrown into the D situation (you) it usually seems like the betrayer is as happy as a lark while the betrayed is miserable and depressed. In time, he has found that almost always the betrayed becomes stronger and starts to get a life while the fantasy world of the betrayer comes crashing down.....(it usually happens at the same time)<P> A while back Mickey wrote a thread on why marriages that spring from affairs don't last (also from this book)....maybe you can search and find the thread.....it was very good. If you can get the book , I think it would help you and you would feel better......hang in there girl.....LU

Keridwen,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>I guess there's a part of me that feels somewhat unworthy to be happy. <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I understand this COMPLETELY! Just today, I started getting teary-eyed out of the blue for no apparent reason, thinking about the good things that I should be thankful for. And I wondered "Why can't I just let myself be happy?". I think it's for the same reason. When I think of the things I have to be thankful for, I think I don't deserve them. So instead of being happy, I get sad. This is something I'm going have to really work at overcoming.