I have posted several topics and have read most of the forum posts and plan A and plan B and letters to the site and still cant seem to find any answers to our problem. My wife and I have talked at length about whats going on. She is seeing her old high school boyfriend and has spent at least 2 days that I know about with him when she was supposed to be shopping. When we talk about seperating and possible divorce I have used information from this site to try and understand what went wrong, what have I done to not fulfill her needs. She says that its not me its her, that Im a great guy and she loves me but not in love, she thinks she is in love with her old boyfriend one day and the next she says she doesnt know. I have been using parts of plan A and B at the same time because we are within a week of doing a military transfer out of state. We talked last night and she says she wants to seperate after we move and that her old h/s bf is not moving from CA because he has a good job and his ex-wife and daughter are in CA so why would he leave. I agree we need to seperate but Im sure she is going to stay in contact with him via email and phone after I move out. This is in conflict with plan A but I am not pushing the issue because I want to leave without any conflict between us so she will remember me in a good way not an angry one. My only hope is that her long distance affair will grow old after time. Im not sure how long it will take because she feels he is her long lost love and that fate brought them back together after 15 years. Anyone with advice out there because I dont see any topics that realte to my problem.

GC,<P>Same song second verse!!!! My husband sought out many other women because he said he was no longer in love with me -- he loved me just was not in love. Fate brought them together too.... VERY common statements from these people who are so emotionally confused and in these affairs.<P>My suggestions?<BR>1) Get real with plan A. Like you said, give her great memories of you to remember when she is gone. Do the best you can -- BUT be yourself. She fell in love with you in the first place. She can again!!! Believe me!<P>2) Hold off on the plan B stuff until you two really separate. Then do your best!!! Give her more space than she wants. I had the roughest time with this part. I call and talk... meeting his emotional need again. But I know you can do it. Get yourself busy with activities you enjoy and don't talk to her. Try to only communicate in writing and only when it is absolutely necessary.<P>3) Get the book Surviving an Affair. I highly recommend and hope you do not think I am an advertiser!!! hehehe It just helped me through the rough spots to have a plan.<P>The most important thing to remember is that you are becoming a stronger person whether she ever comes back to you or not!!!! You are taking the control of your life yourself and not letting her mood control you anymore. You can love yourself regardless of whether she falls back in love with you or not.<P>I wish I could say I had a happy ending. My husband still prefers the company of the many women he has discovered to a real life woman -- ME. But I can truly say that it is his loss!!!!! I have grown and developed over the last year, and I can happily state that I am out of the darkness that I thought would envelope me.

GC,<P>NoraP hit it right on the mark...<P>...it doesn't matter what's going on in your W's head right now...<BR>...the "infidelity" addiction plays unimaginable games...<BR>...and good reason goes out the window!<P>Plan A your heart out...<BR>...and just ask for support.<P>Spending time on the "whys"...<BR>...is counter-productive...<BR>...unless it adds to your finding ways to be a better person... to develop marriage skills.<P>Spending time on the "whys"...<BR>...is counter-productive...<BR>...if all you do is wallow in the pain.<P>The Harley books are very good...<BR>...but there are others that can help too...<BR>...check out... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000025.html" TARGET=_blank>Books</A>!<P>Praying for you... <P>Jim

GC,<BR>I think I have been where your wife is now. I was contacting an ex-bf by e-mail from years past and it escalated to me feeling like it was "fate" that we found each other again and that I was really meant to be with him. I felt confused for a while because I was still in love with my husband. I ended up leaving him in Germany to fly home and have some space to think about what I wanted. Well, my H lost hope quickly and we are now in the process of divorce, for a few other major reasons, but it all started with my leaving him. I WAS WRONG. When I finally saw my ex again, it was great AT FIRST. The novelty wore off quickly and I realized what a fool I was to leave such a wonderful man for being sucked into some kind of fantasy. It was crazy, and in the end it cost me the love of my life, my husband. I don't know if your W would be interested in hearing this story, but I would urge you to be as kind and understanding as you can, but point out all the things that can go wrong if she continues this other relationship. I will live with this regret forever. My H is now with another woman who is pregnant with his child. All my dreams and hopes of our future together have been shattered, yet he remains my best friend. These things can escalate to problems you may never dream of. Communication is key...don't smother her, sit back and try to help her through this, I am sure what she is feeling is confusion. Love her, and she will be back. Try not to let it tear you apart, it did tear my H apart, and I lost him. I hope the very best for the two of you, I hope she finds her way back into your heart. It's so sad to see love destroyed. Trust me. Been there.<P>Many happy thoughts,<BR>Pam<P>------------------<BR>Pammi

Thanks Pammi, Im trying my best to remain calm. Two days ago she told me she was going to see him and say goodbye, that she didnt want to lie about where she was going. She spent most of the day gone and I knew where she was. It was hard and I was mad all day, but as soon as I saw her my anger faded away and I was glad she was back. I didnt like it at all, but I didnt tell her she couldnt go either. We are transferring out of the state on 1July. Right now we still plan on seperating after the move. I plan on getting her and the kids moved into the house we just bought and then move out. My moving out is what she wants. We still get along ok but there is a tension that we both know is there. Im not sure what her plans are with her ex-bf, I hope things fizzle out and she will see the error of her ways. I still love her with all my heart and can only hope things work out. One more thing though, why do women always want the guys that dump them? He dumped her while she was in Navy boot camp, a very stressful time in a persons life. When she needed his support and friendship the most he wrote her a dear Jane letter and never looked back. She looked him up once we got to CA, and she tells me that he told her it was all a mistake the he didnt mean it. He knew her maiden name, the town she lived in and knew her mother from when they were dating in HS. If it was a mistake why did he not look her up sooner. Its been 15 years! This really bugs me. Thank You.

My question is why are you moving when she is the one that wants the space. Most here agree that you should not be the one to move. While it is a love buster, she is the one that needs to realize how she relys on you to help support her and allowing her to go and find her own place, this may help her realize that.<P>I hate to be the bearer of bad news, if you leave, what will stop her from moving her old boyfriend in ? I guess this could happen at an apartment also. Separation usually won't solve the problem since you are no longer together.<P>Try to stay together, if you can't, then she should be the one to move, all the while keep Plan Aing.<P>Best of luck and God Bless,<P>Bob