Last June after a year of asking for "time and space" my wife wanted me to move out. She was having trouble sorting out her feelings after becoming emotionally involved in an on-line relationship. I feel the real root of the problem is communication - we don't really know how to communicate and share our feelings so the other understands it. I had asked her what I could do to help, but I just couldn't walk away from my home and family. <P>Now that we're just about finished with our separation agreement and nearly ready to sell the house, she throws this at me again as an example of how I wouldn't meet her needs and how my desires always take priority. <P>We both need some personal growth, but I just don't see how living apart is going to teach us how to better commminucate. I know of far more marriages that have disolved after the husband left than reconciled. Why should I be the one to leave my family and home that we've worked so hard for? I offered to get her an apartment but that was unacceptable, and I offered to have us alternate at the apartment so our son could stay in his home and we would each stay at the house on a 50/50 basis - yet we would be living away from each other. She deemed that as unacceptable too. <P>Why can't we come up with a win-win situation? If I was trying to choose between her and some other woman would it be reasonable for me to ask her to move out while I figured things out???? And what message does this send to our 7 year old son, when Dad doesn't come home any more? Where is it written that the one who wants the marriage to work has to leave everything they've ever worked for so the "undecided" one can enjoy it all while they're thinking (and thinking and thinking)?<P>The councilor recommended against it and three attorneys I talked to strongly recommended against it. I've prayed for some guidance but never could see a sign that leaving everything and my home and family was going to solve anything.<P>She says if I really loved that I'd do this for her. I just can't imagine even having the guts to ask this if I were the one who was unhappy with the relationship. Is this a reasonable request - and how is this going to enhance our ability to communicate with one another? Any suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated.<P>Thanks in advance,<BR>Stardust<P>------------------<BR><B>Prayer doesn't change things for you - it changes you for things.</B><P><p>[This message has been edited by Stardust (edited June 25, 2000).]

The simple answer is <B>NO</B>...<P><B>No</B>...<BR><B>No</B>...<BR><B>No</B>...<BR><B>No</B>...<BR><B>No</B>...<BR><B>No</B>...<BR><B>No</B>...<BR>...and...<BR><B>No</B>...<P>Do not move out.<P>If reconciliation is your goal...<BR>If keeping your family together is a goal...<BR>To give Plan A any chance what so ever...<P>Do not move out.<P> <P>Jim

Ditto Jim !!!<P>I heard the same from my wife, that basically "If you truly loved me, you would move out so I wouldn't be uncomfortable calling my 'true love' while you were in the house." Incredible the depth of fog, no? We are currently sharing an apartment 50/50 with other spouse living at home with the kids (against my wishes, but better than a dice roll at how temporary orders would come out), and communication is about zero. On my weeks at the apartment, she bids me farewell as she goes to put our oldest son to bed; on her weeks, she leaves immediately after dinner. <P>I wish that my wife was in the position of yours: "undecided". She has determined, irreversibly in her mind, that divorce is what she wants; no current indecision at all. Count your blessings in that regard. I highly recommend Wheat's book "How to Save Your Marriage Alone". Hasn't worked in my case (yet), but a good quick read.<P>Good luck and God bless.<P>Texan

Oh, that's a tough one. Once she's gone, it is going to be increasingly difficult to make a change. I agree that your best shot comes as long as you are in the same house, but I see her point too. I also need to feel respected and listened to. If I wanted something and felt someone was standing in my way, I'd have a hard time wanting to relate to them and deal with them. The lesser of the two evils is making her endure sharing space with you and hoping you can make a difference though. Once she is gone, it will be very hard to cross the distance between you. you can bet she isn't making the OM give her the same space! He will take full advantage of that, she will find herself "in love", and you will be out. <BR>Just my two cents.

Don't go. If she wants out, she can go. <P>For me, leaving my marriage was never an option. After all, he wanted the divorce and,when the counselor and I agreed that there was nothing to save and I needed sanity and had done all I could - that it was not healthy for me to be married to this man anymore, only then did I decide a divorce was the only answer.<P>During that time of decision, I spent 18 months going to SAnon, a 12-step family group for persons who have family members who are sexaholics - like AlAnon - which was very helpful. 615-833-3152 is their international office number. Address is S-Anon International Family Group<BR> 4813 Nolensville Pk.<BR> Nashville, TN 37211<P>The address for S A (Sexaholics Anonymous) is the same their phone is 615-331-6230.<P>This group was an anonymous group with no bashing of the addict. It was about sharing our experience, hope, and courage. Follows the 12-step principals in keeping with Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon.<P>I know there are many on this bb who could use what I gained there. If you feel you might be one of those, I encourage you to try it. They do recommend you attend six meetings before you actually make a decision on whether or not this is where you need to be.

Although a complex question the answer seems quite straightforward. <P>If you want your marriage to work, stay in the house. If you don't - Leave. <P>I can only speak from personal experience. What happens in the house after you leave doesn't involve you in any way. Your wife will start living her life as a sinlge person again, get involved with people either in person or on the net and as days go by, you will play less and less of a role in her life.<P>It does seem completely unfair, I know because I was in your exact situation in March. I left because "she needed space". What she actually needed was for me to be out of the house so she could sleep with her boyfriend in our bed.<P>It sounds like you want the marriage to work. Stay in as long as you can. After a while, she will find it unbearable and maybe your idea of her getting her own apartment will happen. <P>Good luck, this is a very difficult time for everybody. Spend a lot of time talking to your son. You and your wife will survive this whether you are togther or not. Your son is the one who needs the most help right now.<P>Goober

Having gone through 7 separations & reconciliations in the past 2 years...separation only helps if you are to the Plan B stage and can't bear what the other person is doing and are losing your love for them.<P>If you move out, you will just be making her affair easier. No, what she is asking is NOT reasonable, but she won't be able to see that. By telling you that "you would do this if you loved me" she is using your love against you, manipulating you. Very, very painful because of your love you don't want to deny her anything, but she won't love YOU for doing what she asks, she's just getting you out of the way.<P>I wish I had the answer. But I think if you stay in the house, she'll either eventually leave or the affair will fall apart. The intervening time will be hellish. Plan A as well as you can, as long as you can.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Yes. Plan A her. But there also comes a time for plan B. My husband would not leave althuogh he was the one having the affairs. I spent 6 months last year on plan A... then plan B... I moved home and now we are back at square one. I wish our marriage COULD work. But I still had to move out. It was NOT getting better with me there. ONLY YOU KNOW THE ANSWER!!!! You seem to be asking everyone -- have you not yet heard what you want to hear? Just do what is best for your family and yourself. You know it better than anyone. <BR>