Hi,<p>I need some direction to take. My wife who is my best friend does not love me anymore. She says she still has feelings for me but that the love and the passion is just not there. I have tried to get that passion back by planning dates, having many conversations, and showing affection, but it just does not seem too come back for her.<p>I love her with all my heart. Everything seemed fine up to about six months ago when she started to slowly slip away from me. We are still friends and we do not have fights -- she just does not love me in the way that she used to and she would like us get a divorce.<p>We dated for three years (we began living together the second year of dating) and then got married. We have only been married about three months and now she does not love me. She said the only reason she did not call off the marriage was because she thought she was just scared of the commitment, now she says she was just lying to herself and was falling out of love with me.<p>Before the marriage we were talking about having one more kid. She has a step-son from a previous marriage who I love and adore. But know she says she does not ever plan on having another kid but I know I definately would like a child of my own. She says she cannot handle another child. <p>She says that none of this is my fault, and that I am a great guy and the guy she always pictured being married too. However, she says she feels numb and has no love for me (especially sexually) anymore. She tells me she has alot of childhood issues and anger to deal with and would like to be alone.<p>We did talk about conseling but she says that she wants to go to the therapist herself because she believes this is her problem. She also says she cannot promise anything which I guess is fine. I fear that the only reason she has not gone so far as to say nothing is going to work is out of guilt for leaving me and breaking up our family.<p>Do you think conseling will help or should we separte and try dating again to get that passion back? I am at a lost for direction and I fear our short marriage is not going to last. She has stopped wearing her wedding band and engagement ring. <p>I guess my main question is: How do I get someone that fell out of love with me to love me again? or is this an impossible task where I should just walk away from? However, I would like to keep fighting for this marriage to work, but I feel she does not want to.<p><br>Please help -- Sincerely,<p>Peterl<br>

Peter,<p> I know others will have some ideas for you soon, but what I would suggest is that you obtain and read Dr. Harley's "Give & Take". The main "characters" the author talks about were madly in love before the wedding, then instantly "out of love" It's only about $12.00 from this web site. I think it's worth a read!<p> It sounds like there may be more to this "falling out of love" than your wife is telling you. I think the concept of the "love bank" will prove interesting to you. <p> As far as "dating" goes, I don't think that would hurt (if your wife will go for it) but I don't think you'd want to separate to do it. <p> I don't know anything about psychology, but if your wife recognizes "issues" from her past and expresses a need to resolve them, then maybe you could help her to do so. I don't see how someone who loves and supports her could be a hinderance to this process. <p> Hang in there, don't give up or walk away. It'll be hard for you not to become frustrated, but you need to keep you cool as you both work through this. Professional counselling sounds like a good idea. <p>Best of luck!<br>Val

No great insight from me, except that I can relate exactly to what you are going through. In fact, except for a few details, I could have written what you did about my wife (but we've been married 10+ years) - her problem childhood haunting her, I'm a great guy/father but she has no sexual interest, she wants to run away, etc. Cofusion abounds on my part - and I have been at a loss as you. <p>I agree that getting some of the books recommended will help...I'm just starting down that path myself and already recognize where I could/should improve. It's difficult to see personal shortcomings right now, but self-reflection can proove insightful.<p>Also, I think counseling is a good idea. My wife started a few weeks ago (doesn't want me there), and I think it will help. I am a bit concerned that one spouse going alone conveys too much of a one-sided view, but I am trying to roll with it.<p>Anyway, good luck and again...you are not alone.

peterl,<p>I know how hard it is to hear the things your wife said to you. I experienced the same thing a few months ago. We have been married for 10 years. Back in August, my wife slipped into depression. By September, she told me she didn't love me anymore and she wondered whether she ever loved me! I knew she loved me - so I supported her in everyway. It was the worst thing that I ever went through! As of today, our relationship is better than it has ever been. <p>I definitely would reccommend counseling. I scheduled an appointment for a marriage counselor for both us! The counselor did suggest we see counselors separately. Maybe your wife would agree to this approach -- let the counselor decide whether individual or group therapy is better. <p>What ever you do - do not give up hope! Keep showing her how much you love her. I never gave up. Even when my wife was saying things to me that were excruciating. It was like she wanted me to get mad at her! Through counseling and hours and hours of communication we are better than ever. My wife and I do not know what really happened. All I know is we are much happier- this crisis changed both of us!<br>I am not happy we went through this ordeal- but it had some positive effects.<p>To answer your question - how do you get someone to fall back in love with you? I assume your wife still loves you. I think that like my situation, your wife has emotion withdrawled from you. My wife said the same things to me, as you say, your wife has said to you! Things can change with a little help! You just don't fall out of love that fast. Also, I always go back to - what is the definition of love? Is your wife confusing infataution, passion with love? Does she think she should get goosebumps when ever you walk in the room? I think love is more than that. What is your wife's definition of love?<p>You both need to figure out what issues (individual or as a couple) are causing this situation. I never believed my wife didn't love me. I was right! Don't give up! Through counseling my wife has learned a lot about herself and possible reasons she was pushing me away. <p>Keep up your spirits - I am a living example that things can get better.<p>I know I rambled on - but I hope I helped a little! <br>