(selfishly speaking)<BR>i am so bumbed reading about so many woman who have been victims of infidelity and still remain loving to their husbands!!!<BR>here i am, a guy who has never been unfaithful, worked extrememly hard to provide a very comfortable life for my wife and two kids, fed the kids, bathed the kids, cooked, cleaned, maintained cars and house...on and on. and my wife splits with the kids and i hang on to a thread and keep running my head into a wall. i truly believe there is not an OM. <BR>in the last year, she has filed for dv around 5 times and has not been able to serve the papers. yet whenever asked she says, "she's done...". we've met with two counselors including dr. harley and each realizes there is nothing productive that can be done if she is not willing to participate. <BR>so much effort has been placed in desctructive ways (facilitated greatly by her attorney and few recently divorced screwed-up women friends) yet nothing constructive has been done EVER!!<BR>the old saying, "if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem" has never been more appropriate!<BR>i've been extremely nice, loving, cooperative, giving, sweet and everything else. cooperative to the point, i've retained an attorney and not allowed any action to be taken against my wife. i've seen the unbelievable damage one attorney can. i can only imagine how horrible everyone's life will get should i turn mine loose.<BR>dont get me wrong. i've made some pretty severe changes in my life. changes for the greater good. she says she doesnt believe i can change. i have and i will continue to gain momemtum. nothing major like phys abuse or drug addictions. i've had alot of stress in my life over the past year - failing health of my dad, financial troubles, possible loss of job and marital troubles.... they're pretty much the biggest, baddest stressers anyone can have!<BR>the stress has manifested itself in bad ways - i had become withdrawn from everyone, stopped going to church, started drinking too much and just generally allowing the stress and anger to run unabated. again, i have taken every conceivable step from docs to therapists to priests to no booze just to ensure a positive outcome. i work out alot and am developing a really good body.<BR>it is getting to a point real soon when i will have to let my attorney start taking offensive action. the longer she has the kids, the less likely a judge will be to change the routine. kids are 3 and 5. she's a good mom but misses alot of small details when taking care of the kids and really does not discipline at all. <BR>over the years we worked very hard at establishing routines for the kids. now that she has moved out, the kids do not nap regularly or go to bed at the same time. they have to sleep together in the same bed and just simply have to deal with the unbelievably strangeness of not living in their home!!!<BR>the lawyers have worked out an interim custody and support agreement. bottom line is i get screwed!!! i get the kids m/w 5 - 9p, f 5p until sat 8p, her lawyer says i should be paying her $1600 a month, we agreed to $1000. after the meeting, i asked my w if she has ever known me (us) to have an extra grand to throw around each month? she said not. i asked, how is that fair? she said it is not.<BR>i cant help but feel like i'm just a mealticket. over the years, she got the house, the suv, the acura, the kids when she wanted them, now "she's done". she had the audacity to recommend i apply for a vp job within my co recently. i hazard to guess she wasnt thinking about my professional betterment. more bucks to take from me, i'd guess!!!<BR>she really is a sweet woman. i truly believe she is making some globally negatively affecting decisions based on misperceptions and bad advice.<BR>any one have any ideas?? plan a or b???<BR>its real hard seeing my kids suffer just because the w finally has an agenda. albeit a pretty darn selfish one!!!!!

Bailey, <P>Hello and welcome to the marriage builders forum. I am not able to give you specific advice because I am a betrayed ex wife, that could only hope to have a husband devoted to many of those things in my marriage.<P>Jim has posted some information for newbies and I am passing it along to you.<P>Hopefully I can work this right!!!!<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003681.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003681.html</A> <P>Try posting on the General Questions Board or checking out all the info Jim has supplied above . In the meantime, take some time to read some of our stories and post as well. Soon you will get to know some of us here, and see that we all are just here to support one another. <P>I personally have a lot of thanks to give to many of the people on this forum!<P>Sending strength and prayers, and I hope that link works, <BR>Dana<P>

Bailey's Dad,<P>OK I tried. THis link is probably the more helpful one.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html</A> <P>ANyway, one last comment I can say that I learned through my whole affair dilemma. You can not change your spouse, you can change yourself. Even that is hard but it can be done. It is very hard for one person to save a marriage but you can certainly try. Learn about Plan A and Emotional Needs and decide if that is something you can relate to. Each time someone posts on your thread, it will bring your topic to the top. <P>Check out Jim's site and as most of us on the divorced board will tell you, we all learned a lot through this whole experience, and whether or not there is an affair involved, you may still find some tools to save your marriage here.<P>Dana<P>

Thanks very much Dana! I really appreciate your effort!!<BR>I will go to the link you sent. I'm sure it will be helpful. Basically, I just had to vent!! There is sooo much suffering right for my whole family. I've always been the guy who fixed the problems for everyone. It is real hard to sit back and wait. But, everyone tells me that's about all I can do.<BR>Good Luck to you Dana.<BR>I'm still hoping and praying we will be a family again sometime soon.

BD, I feel for you partner...I was bombshelled by a similar instance on March 19th. Thing is, she told me that day there was someone else (a friend of mine & her co-worker) and moved in with him that night.<P>The difference is I've got the girls (8 & 10 year olds), she's paying me (yes, I want her to get a better paying job so she can pay me more; selfish? yep), and she has visitation rights.<P>You probably know that you weren't the perfect husband, although you thought you were doing a pretty good job of it. I know I neglected my wife through lack of communication and affection, but she did the same with me. We grew apart and (BAM!) this guy steps in and fills her emotional needs and she says she happier than she's ever been.<P>She also tells me she was never happy in our marriage (slapped me in the face; we were married for 10 years), she wants someone who dresses nicer (slap; had the married guy wardrobe...t-shirts, jeans, etc.; fixed that for myself recently) and works less hours (I took a different job), wants someone who is in better shape (slap; I too have been working out and lost 20 lbs. in 3 months), and so on and so forth (slap, slap, slap).<P>I am totally crushed and feel as if my life has been ruined. She won't try to work things out with me (she mentioned if she wasn't with someone else she could've worked things out...ugh) and has been completely cold since D-Day. She says she doesn't think I can change, but I'm doing my best to do so. If it doesn't appear that I'm changing for her, at least I'm doing it for my own good.<P>My advice to you is to take care of yourself first and the other things will take care of themselves in time. I've been a complete jerk to her for the past 3 weeks; we went to counseling on Friday and I realized that I'm really just making myself miserable by acting this way.<P>(note: the only reason she agreed to go to marital counseling was to work on what's best for the children)<P>There's nothing you can do at this time to change how she feels about you. The least you can do is try to Plan A the best that you can and make those changes for yourself.<P>If it's meant to be that you will reconcile and live happily ever after, then so be it. If you want primary custody of the kids, you might be in for a battle. If that's not an option, try to work on a dissolution (collaborative agreement) to keep the lawyer costs down. <P>best of luck to you, BD...<P>theo<BR>