Hi guys,<P>well, H phoned first thing this morning, on his way to his daily appointments. <BR>Said he had been thinking about me, and would I like to spend some time with him and the girls this weekend. It is his weekend with them. He thought we may go on a picnic or something.<BR>Part of me says yes, oh yes, and another part says 'I need a break from the children, why would I want to do that."<BR>The answer there is that I loved being a 'family'.<BR>We have left it that maybe on Sunday we'll go to a national park about 10 mins from my house which I have been wanting to visit for a while. It has a lovely picnic area, beautiful bush walks, swings etc. Apparently it's quite lovely.<BR>I guess we'll talk some more.<BR>Although upon reflection, I have my job interview for the airlines on Monday, maybe Sat. would be better to spend time with him. That way I can prepare for Mon. on Sun.<BR>This man constantly keeps me spinning. He doesn't know what he wants, so while he makes up his mind he'll keep me dangling.<BR>I am still quite determined to go ahead with the divorce, I want this period of my life over so badly. I still have not shut the door on him completely, but I need to move on. Who knows what the future holds, and I have not ruled out re-marriage. Does it seem strange that I WANT to divorce him. It;s not something that I;m taking lightly, in fact, completely the opposite. But how else do we move on? He may never know what he wants, as Medic said, it could take decades. God, I'll be ready for the pine box by then!!!!!!!!!!!<P>Anyway, that's my little update. It feels so good to be back here. I spent yesterday with tears in my eyes just about the whole day trying to catch up with everyone. Didn't respond as much as I wanted to, as I wanted to read as much as I could.<P>The girls are downstairs playing at the moment, but the minute they hear the keyboard clicking and clacking, they'll be up here giving me grief!!!!!<BR>If I have to go suddenly, and don't respond for a while, you'll know why....<P>;love and hugs to all<P>Jo<P>

thanks for your post on my thread....((((bonnet)))) <P>I have been told that until my husband hits bottom he will not change......I don't want to see him **hit bottom** but I can't stand what is happening here at home either.....I'm hoping that a separation will help us both.....<P>good luck.....I understand about wanting things to change...and yet the unknown...will it be better or worse???...how will the kids react.....<P>may God Bless us all......and grant us peace<BR>

Hey Jo,<P>Sorry you have to join us on this board.<P>Letting go was very hard at first for me but now 4 months later I feel great. I hate it for the children, my D is getting ok with things. I don't know what to say about the picnic...I won't do it...Robin is way too sick in the head, and, I don't even like to talk to her.<P>I'm planning on updating in the next few days...more then.<P><P>------------------<BR>Bill<P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

Jo,<BR> I remember your posts from before.I know,you may not really want the divorce,but what are you supposed to do? Wait forever?<BR> <BR> It's not the way I wanted things to turn out,either.But between my stbx's MLC,Identity Crisis,and ongoing affair with a much younger man(she's living with him now),what choice did I have?She's turned into somebody who I don't know anymore,and I wouldn't want that person for a W anyway.<BR> Sometimes you have to move on for your own sanity.It's good to have you back. <P> --Murph<BR>

Jo,<P>I replied to you on my thread that won't die. LOL I didn't know if you had gotten a chance to go back and read it so I thought I'd post to you here!<P>If you want, you can either post to me here about going back to work or you can email me. Whichever way you want to do it! <P>mitzihartman@webtv.net<P>Mitzi

Jo,<P>Sorry to hear your dilemma. I went through that once with my ex in January. He started inviting me to all these functions as a family.<P>Ultimately, he left more confused and I was more hurt. At some point he has to make up his mind or set you free as well. <P>Living life dangling around someone else is no fun. Divorce happens to a lot of us. Remarriage is always possible, but be sure to research this because it doesn't have high success rates from what I have seen.<P>You may find that once you let go, like many of us are (see dating thread) that YOU may NOT want the marriage.<P>My STBX H came to me and said he didn't want the divorce. Six months after it being exposed. Was I jumping for joy? No I was hurt by his confusion yet again, but I chose to stand up for myself and say you know what, I don't want this, and I am making the decision to tell you, you brought this on, its over. <P>I am very happy right where I am in life and I don't care to look back or go back, not now, and not ever.<P>Prayers and hugs, <BR>Dana<BR>

Jo,<P>For me, my separation from my husband is like a roller coaster. Everytime I talk to him it is another up or down. I need to stop it myself. He is still not healthy enough to do anything different. My husband is doing the same type of thing -- stopped by (from 1 1/2 hours away!) to take the kids to icecream and wanted me to go along. I did not. And I did not talk to him either. One step forward, two steps back.<P>For me, I have to take control of my own life and STOP letting his emotions run mine. I cannot do that when we keep up appearances. I still hope that someday, he will change into the man I fell in love with in the first place. But I will be in control of myself until then -- whether that means waiting or going on without him.<P>NoraP

Hi Mitzi - I did check the thread that goes from my place to your place!!! Thanks for your response. I need to talk to someone who has children, is going through what we're going through, and is working full-time. I'm just about to go back to work, which involves shiftwork. That's why I was so keen to talk to you. You do it. I will email you when I get a bit more spare time. The girls are up and about at the moment, which means I probably have 3 minutes left here!!!!!!<P>Dana - thank you, thank you, thank you. I have been feeling this way for about a month now. Feeling that I didn't want my marriage any longer. Not just because of the affair, but of the way he is now. He is not doing anything to help himself. He acknowledges that he needs to see someone who will help him sort through what is going on in his head, but won't take the steps to do it. He still keeps saying he doesn't know why it happened, doesn't know why he has had 3 relationships since we broke up (I think that's pretty obvious) and he still doesn;t know what he wants. I think he wants his freedom, but he likes the security and stability of having someone there who he knows loves and cares for him. Someone who will cook, clean, look after his children etc etc etc. Well guess what, I HAVE to do that anyway, but it's easier with just me and the girls. Not so much emotional upheaval.<BR>I am filing for divorce on Sep 3, which he doesn't want. He wants more time. He wants, wants, wants..........<BR>Thank you for making me feel better about my decision, I need to do this for myself. It will be closure to the most painful period of my life. And hopefully some closure to these emotional storms I have.<BR>Hope you're well. I'm going to go and read some threads on the dating site. I've never gone there. Thanks for responding.<BR>love and hugs to you.<P>NoraP - I know exactly what you mean. Their emotional upheaval is still ruling our lives. We need to stop that. With my H, it seems that the more I distance myself from him, the more he asks to do things with us, and for us. Six months ago I longed for this situation, now I just want some peace and an end to it all. I would also love to have the man back that I knew, but I can't find him. He doesn't want to be found yet. I don't know that he ever will be ready. It's very strange the way I feel. I do love him, and do care for him, but I just cannot deal with his 'not knowing' any longer. I will always be there for him, and will try to always be his friend, but I can't be his wife any longer (even an estranged one!!! - or a strange one, !!!!!!!! LOL)<P>I wonder what the statistics are for the men in our situations. DO they ever work out what they want, and come home? If they do come home, is it for the right reasons, or because they miss the security of family life? I don't think I will personally know the answers to these questions for some time yet.<BR>love and hugs to you, and keep strong<P>Thanks guys so much.<P>Jo

I have one of those Husbands, too. Or X now, I should say. <BR>He had an EA for two years, wanted a divorce, but rumor has it the A is over, he has said to friends that he made a terrible mistake,but for me, it is too late. <BR>He is a perprtual child. Always has been.It was a real source of frustration for me. I was aleys the mom. Took care of everything, but myself. I had no time for him after a while. I often said to him I needed more support, and he always said he would, but never followed through. <BR>I just had too full a plate. Had he moved his plate over and took some off of mine, I would have had room for him. But he was too busy with his EA to do that. After two yrs, I lost my love for him. <BR>I walked away with no regrets. Would I have liked to have worked it out with him?? Sure, but it is a two way street. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Hi Sue,<P>I know EXACTLY what you mean about their saying that they will do this, and do that, and change this, and change that, and then never doing anything.<P>One thing I can be proud of is that I always communicated with my H about how I was feeling. I have said to him in the past that it was almost as if I was begging him to love me. I needed him to demonstrate his love, not with big extravagant things, but like you say, taking some off my plate and putting it on his own.<P>I have reached the point where I want this divorce. I want to be free of all these questions. Questions that I don't think he is ever going to answer. Or be able to answer. It's not what I would have chosen, but sometimes you don't get a choice.<P>Thanks for responding to me. I appreciate it. How are you doing now? Would it make any difference if he came back to you a changed man? I don't think it would in my case.<P>have a nice night, and big hugs to you<P>Jo

Jo, <P>It has been over two year since discovery, a year past separation and almost 6 months after divorce. <P>There are going to be other who read this that will disagree, but in many ways my life couldn't be better. I am not living with the lies and pain anymore. Sure, there are times when I just don't understand why he put all of us through this, I worry about the kids and how this all affects them, but for me, I was finally ready to put it behind me and move on. <BR>It is a double edged sword in many ways. One, divorce is a cruel and painful experience for any of us. But, it lit a fire under me, a determination to be happy and re focus on myself and my children. I would have put this work into my marriage had he so desired. But he did not. And the repeated lies finally killed my love for him.<P>I am dating, I feel more in control of my life, and the fog has lifted. I no longer think about the what ifs much anymore. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Jo,<P>Just jumping in here! <P>I wouldn't take my H back no matter what! It's been about 6 1/2 months and I am soooo much happier! I know that sounds crazy to some, but they never lived with my H. <P>I'm like you...this divorce can't happen quick enough! I want it over with tomorrow! LOL I'm ready to not be his wife. I want to be just plain old Mitzi for a change.<P>Hugs,<BR>Mitzi

I read a book which referred to a quote from Augustine. To paraphrase it: To have peace, you must know yourself and, to know yourself, you must be alone.<P>I definitely can see how that workded in my life. I never have wanted to divorce my x. But there comes a time when you have to regain sanity and that time had truly come. It's a lousy thing to have to do. Really lousy. But, when life gets bad enough....<BR>Sometimes you have few choices. <P>By big struggles were with God. I knew this was not His choice but I now know He understands and loves me no matter what. And He would never choose for me to live the life I had a few years ago.