Hi-<P>I sometimes think there needs to be another forum on remarriage or dating again because the thought goes thru a lot of minds here.<P>I personally am not ready for dating (my D is not going to happen til Sept. but it's definitely a steamtrain now). Right now, I definitely still consider myself unavailable. In the way back of my heart, I still love my H, as bad as he is, so I think dating is stupid until I deal with that feeling.<P>However, I have thought of the type of person I want to meet next when I'm ready.<P>I guess looks have nothing to do with MB principles, but I want Richard Gere. Tall, dark hair - greying just right. Someone who first of all loves God like I do. I actually want someone who is about as computer illiterate as he can get (my H is a computer geke). Maybe someone who is an electrician or an air conditioning guy. Maybe a dentist with a house on the lake and a boat (ya!). I guess I just want some attention, just a little, to remember how it is to have someone show care towards me, whose not just out for that one thing by the way.<P>I have a picture in my mind of this guy; I don't know if he exists the way I picture him. He couldn't possibly. You see, this man would love my boys and treat them kindly and show them a great deal of interest. This is such a dream.<P>I do know one thing - the next one will not be a man who has ever cheated on his wife, there isn't a pole long enough I'd touch him with.<P>Anyone else have any ideas about what you'd like to find the next time around - or do you even want a next time around? I could understand that too.<P>Kathy<p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited June 28, 2000).]

Weirded Out...<P>I think that the next time, he must have a job with regular weekday hours. No working in bars/resturants, no late nights. It allows too much time appart, and too many opportunities. <P>He also has to want kids (or more kids if he alreay has some). Someone who makes me feel important and intelligent (even if I can't spell LOL).<P>I'm sure there are more requirements, but those are the ones that jump out at me.<P>Butterfly

Jobs are good. That's a useful thing.<P>I know that I've read some posts from some men who mentioned that they want a woman who would be into sports programs, football etc. There sure are a lot of dreamers out there. Come on guys, where are you. I'd like to hear about all these women who love football that you want to meet. LOL<P>Kathy<p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited June 28, 2000).]

this is an easy one.. some one that can *talk* me under the table..! LOL! <BR> <BR>I lurk here alot, more then post.. but my ex was not a communicater what so ever.. never! expressed his feelings.. and I *have* dated, and I must say I found that there are plenty of men out there willing to open up.. but that of course is because there is no ties or attachments with me... YET!!! and I realize that.. but any way, for the most part, I am looking for that chatter box...!! <P>I also find most men I`ve met, have also been through alot in their past marriage, and have learned by there mistakes, as much as we all have.. and it winds up every one out there is a bit more picky.. and are not going to settle for less then what they are looking for.. so you better have plenty in commom...! LOL!<P>I know (for me) opening a conversation of what you think went wrong in your relationship, teaches you alot about that person.. I love to talk, and thats what is most important to me...<P>AV

Hi Ladies,<P>I suspect that MB will need a new side to the forum for dating very soon, judging by the amount of replies on the last thread!<P>I remember this topic on the General Questions side a few months ago, and boy were we arguing!!!<P>This issue is one that we all face once the divorce really becomes a reality. Although we all had different marriages, affair circumstances, and grief, we all will have different views on this subject.<P>I had a mental list of what I would like to have found in someone. Anyone who's dealt with a marriage/relationship with someone who works odd hours, I agree, that is something important to them (and me). <P>Anyway, I had a mental list of certain things I knew I would be more compatible with next time around. Lets face it, some of us realized, we weren't really a good match with our partner the first time around. I certainly believe you should NEVER settle. Realize that you can not change someone EVER, only yourself, and even that is hard work. I dated a few people that deep down I knew I would have no interest in them long term, so I broke it off. Looking back, it was all a learning experience. I am now lucky to have someone in my life that was everything I was hoping to find, and actually even far better than I originally hoped for!!!! <P>Just be sure to realize that when you do start dating, seeing someone, whatever you call it, that you realize you are vulnerable and have to work hard at not falling for them too fast. Try to see everything with a clear head , which after what we were thru, its hard. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way, there are men out there, who can spot a vulnerable woman a mile away.<P>When the time is right for each individual, they will know it in their heart. I hope that one day, each of us will go on to a much better life than we imagined. Divorce truly is not the end of the world, just the end of that stage in our life. We can't always save a marriage no matter how hard we try, or how much we love.<P>Sending prayers and hugs, <BR>Dana<BR>

I'm not sure what I would looking for at this point. I thought I had those qualities in my former wife.<P>I guess I'm looking someone to share my interests for a change and wants to share them(sports for example) and someone who is willing to take a chance or try something different and is comfortable around all people.<P>X wouldn't try amusement park rides, didn't like card or board games and wasn't comfortable around people unless medicine was the topic.<P>So far my date with a 32ish school teacher have turned up the positives, she likes sports, and she likes people, she attends alot of her pupils events. Also she is very out going and she loves kids!.<P>Negatives, she doesn't like amusement park rides(well they are too expensive).<P>We haven't discussed religion/beliefs yet or politics!<P>p.s. NO SHIFT WORK!!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger<p>[This message has been edited by RWD (edited June 29, 2000).]

Everyone here has made some good points.<P>I think for me the important things are a desire and willingness to communicate, a deep sense of family loyality, a good sense of humor, no financial problems, someone who shares some of my interests, and someone who is honest.<P>I love to travel, read, play in my garden, watch movies, go to amusment parks, spending time in the mountains or on the water, camping & fishing, and spending time with family, hopefully this "wonder-male" will also enjoy these things. <P>It would be nice if he looked like Joel Fleishmann (from Northern Exposure), but that might be taking it a bit too far. <BR>Okay while I'm at it... I would like an Irish, Vineyard owner who wants 2.5 kids. LOL <P>Another important element is that he is interested in me too.

hmmmmm,<P>Someone who will work (h liked unemployment better, more bar time)<BR>Honesty<BR>Fidelity<P>And if he's nice looking, that an added bonus! LOL <P>Mitzi <P>oh, and a sense of humor!

First, there must be that "spark" -<P>and after that, I'm going to heed the advice given by my grandmother, my mother...<P>A man who is close to my age, want someone whom I can talk to as an equal, with the same amount of life experience. No teacher/student relationship. Not too much older (don't want to be taking care of an old man, when I am not) and not younger (Melanie Griffith every surgery under the sun panic-to-keep-a-young-stud syndrome)<P>A man of same intelligence level.<P>Steady, calm, "rock" type. <P>Honest, hardworking, kind.<P>Nothing that needs "fixing" - what you see is what you get. Everyone has baggage, but a man who deals with it well. <P>Financially secure. I'm old enough to know that is important.<P>Healthy. Not a hard body, but a man who watches his diet and exercises. I want to grow old together.<P>Good to my kids. Truly enjoys children. If he has kids, good to them. <P>Not necessarily a churchgoer (but goes with me at least on Christmas and Easter), but must have strong belief in God.<P>Raised with same values as I.<P>They are out there - I think I may have one. And as a note to TS, he has been divorced twice - on paper, you would think I would go running for the hills, but I'm not. Circumstances were what they were. He is a truly good man. <p>[This message has been edited by honey.west (edited June 30, 2000).]

oops<p>[This message has been edited by honey.west (edited June 30, 2000).]

Ok, mush time...how about someone who has been through a similar ordeal and has *personally* learned a great deal from it?<P> None of us here were perfect in our marriages. What counts is if we know exactly where our faults were and we are doing (or have done) something to make positive changes within ourselves. I'd like to find someone who I could share that with, whether it be my wife or someone else down the road.<P> Believe me, I'm not looking at this point. As soon as I think I'm strong, the tears start flowing again (like the doctor's office two days ago...ugh. He suggested anti-depressants; not ready for those yet either...).<P>ta-ta,<P>theo

Next time.....<BR>I will want someone who is mature.<BR>I will want to be able to share all with that person. <BR>I will want a helpmate, not another child.<BR>I will want someone around my age, with kids the same age as mine. <BR>I will want someone who enjoys horses!<BR>I will want someone who has good self esteem.<BR>I will want this person to love me, as I will love him. <BR>I want to share my life with a person who shares my values and future goals. <P>Now, I know I am getting old, but there has to be someone out there with all of this and hopefully I can find him before I am 80!!!!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

A man who puts his family first, who would tell a prospective employer that the most important feature that he would look for in a job was flexibility, because spending time with his family was so important to him - oops, it was my H who said that, only a few years ago. <P>What is the point in deciding what you would look for next time - when whatever positive attribute you find today in someone could easily disappear tomorrow, or 25 years from now?<BR>

OK...<P>My Divorce isnt final... Heck she hasnt even FILED the notice of Sevice she had me sign...<P>But I do fear it is inevitable.. She has Changed so much...<P>As I read these questions about what you would lok for NEXT TIME...<P>I would want the EXACT same person...<P>I love her, there is no other like her...<P>But something snapped and SHE is gone...<P>SO.. I wouldnt CHANGE a thing...<P>Id do it all over again...<P>Garth Brooks "The Dance"...<P>And IF there has to be another... Because she never returns...<P>If there IS another... Then that will be the Proof all the athiests have been looking for...<P>I waited 27 YEARS for this one...<P>I cant in my human thinking imagine TWO...<P>I would take her BACK if she returned to NORMAL without a second thought and forgive and forget this MAD MAD Nightmare...<P>But, reality is people Change...<P>I grew and GROW closer to God...<P>She didnt and now is directly oposed to ALL she once fought and defended...<P>And She was so strong...<P>I never thought... Of ALL the evils in the world... that she would FALL into this SIN and death...<P>There are NO WORDS to mourn the loss...<P>

one word:<BR>honesty<BR>money? don't care.<BR>looks? never had a guy with any, wouldn't know what they were, don't care.<BR>i have it all now, hard working husband, big house, fabulous sex.... mind-crushing debt to maintain his false 'image'...<BR>oh what a tangled web we weave.....<BR>the man is a spider, for crying out loud.<BR>a sociopath who just managed to learn to look AS IF he has a conscience, and fooled me. i'd trade everything, declare bankruptcy, for honesty.<BR>

I've avoided this thread so now I'm going to wade in. <P>What would I want - not necessarily in order:<P>Handsome (well, nice looking but not so nice that he was smitten by his own good looks) <P>Christian (same religion preferable but negotiable - this would dismay my mother)<P>Integrity (a reputable man of his word)<P>Global thinker (one who will allow others to have view points which do not agree with his - who might share information but will not expect me to always agree with him)<BR> <BR>Emotionally/Mentally healthy (and passes the inspection of my therapist - don't laugh, the guy helped me turn from a raw, bloody mass of emotional devastation into the stronger woman I am today - if this guy isn't willing to go see Phil and doesn't pass his inspection, we may need to part company - and I think he'll have to sign an information disclosure form)<P>Creative (this can be manifested in any of a number of ways)<P>Adores me and my children (but at 44, I don't think I am ready or interested in having another baby)<P>Adores his own children (if he has any - and frankly, I would rather his children live with him than have them visiting us every other weekend - more children all the time might be preferable to visiting children)<P>Good to his parents<P>Financially able to support me (and my two children) in the manner to which I would like to become accustomed [and I refuse to work to support his ex-wife] <P>Skilled in those mechanical things around the house (plumbing, electrical, auto, etc.)<P>Sexually healthy (never did have enough of that with x - Now I want GOOD sex and LOTS of it)<P>Affectionate (there's more to it than just sex) <P>Intelligent (able to talk and listen on a wide range of topics) <P>Fun loving (curious and playful)<P>More organized than me though not obsessive (I am an ADD adult and need more structure but I need freedom within it - I do not need another man who is obsessive)<P>Willing to help around the house (I can cook, can he clean the kitchen?)<P>Romantic (I had a few "love offerings" from my x and would rather have gifts like that than gifts for special occaisions-yes, I need gifts for the big stuff but I really need reminders along the way)<P>Classy (symphony, etc., those marks of well rounded education)<P>Healthy sportsman (not driven by it but with a little interest - and a good teacher)<P>Faithful (otherwise I might have to call Lorena Bobbitt)<BR> <BR>It would be gravy if he liked to read, go dancing, stuff like that.<P>I better quit now before the list gets impossible.<p>[This message has been edited by cinderella (edited July 06, 2000).]

What a question...I just had this conversation with a good friend this morning.<P>Cinderella has a great outline...<P>Me personaly My vanity won't let me be with someone I am not physicly attracted to. I want someone I have very lascivios thoughts about. You know... make sure you are the ugly one when you say I do.....LOL<P>I also what someone that is very spiritualy fit. I want her be of a Christian faith that applies the spiritual principles of: surrender, acceptance, committment, selflessness, love,faith, humilty, open-mindedness, anonymity,tolerance, and compassion. Not necessarily in that order or all the time but has an awareness of these and tries to practice them on a daily basis.<P>I want someone who is emotionaly fit. A person that is aware of thier defects as well as thier asstes. Someone that is not afraid to feel or express that.<P>I want a person that is physicly fit. Someone that likes a healthy diet and likes to exercise.<P>I want someone that I can share hobbies with. I think this is very important for that liesure time spent together.<P>The trick is finding someone that can roll these things together. The do go hand in hand.<P>I must watch out for the serial monogomist. They are too self-centered. I also must watch out for miss promiscuous. I don't want to wind up with a syphilictic you know what and go blind...LOL<P>This is what I'm looking for. Will I find her...I believe I will I am in the care of God and we all know he takes care of fools and drunks...LOL<P>Oh I forgot the biggy...Faithful!!!!<P>------------------<BR>Bill<P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.<P>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited July 08, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited July 09, 2000).]

aaa<p>[This message has been edited by Hurting Badly (edited December 12, 2000).]

OOH - a scary thought!<P>I just reread my last post. Strangely, it reads a lot like the guy I'm dating. Now, did I tailor the list to fit him or does he happen to fit the list?<P>Right now I'm a bit scared about this relationship. I've never been this physically attracted to anyone before - not even my x in the early stages. Also I tend to be analytical about some things and, right now, I have no idea where this is headed. I love it though. Wish he didn't live 25 miles away and have a schedule as full as mine.

Great responses here! They given me some "food for thought" in my own pursuit of "relationship" happiness. <BR>One problem I always seem to have in starting a new dating relationship is that if I really like the guy, I just let myself go and end up falling in love too fast. I get sexually involved with the guy after a month or two because, quite frankly, sex is VERY important to me in expressing myself. My last marriage was basically sexless and I miss that part of a healthy relationship so much, I just give in too easily. It's a physical thing I don't seem to have much control over. I hope I can keep from doing this in the future. I always start out strong and then just surrender. Woe is me! <BR>Gosh, I'm 50 and this relationship stuff is still hard. Thanks for all your support!<BR>Earth<BR>Earth