Well, it happened today. My worst nightmare came true. And without any warning. My H picked up the kids to spend the 4th with them. And the OW was there too. At his parents house, no less. These are people I know and love and they welcomed the OW to their house. I guess I'm history now. I just want to die. I will never be the same. I don't even know why I came here. I guess I just wanted to tell somebody who might understand. And my kids liked her. I am so sad, it's indescribable.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keridwen...I am so sad for you....and feelyour pain. I have been there and it is so painful.<P>Come here to vent about this.......the children feel awful about the whole mess anyway.<P>That is where the "mothering"kicks in. On one hand you feel so betrayed by IL and children,but understand from their point of view.....<BR>If they state that H cannot be with ow when he visits or sees them, then they run the risk of not having any relationship with him. This they do not want to lose......<P>Your children are so confused and need to feel loved by dad and mom and are possibly terrified that if they express what they feel for ow to H he will leave them too...after all what they see at a very basic level is that he chose her over you, maybe he will choose her over them and this they cannot deal with....and should not have to.<P>I still have NOTHING nice to say about ow to any of my kids when they bring her name up....she is a terrible role model for my 14 y o d and I hate when d spends time with her during dad's visitation time as dad is doing other things!@!!!!<P>BUT there is nothing one can do....the children need to spend time with their dad for their emotional health, so you have to not do many of the things we all fantasize about in terms of op....but vent here and to friends!!!<P>This is so hurtful....please do something nice for yourself tonight or tomorrow...you deserve it.<BR>Be strong and do not lose hope.

Keri,<P>I can't explain his parents, but remember, ow was on her best behavior and trying to impress your kids. Your kids were probably nervous too and tried thier best to get along too.<P>My s said the same thing about om and it about tore my heart out. OM was talking radio controlled cars to him and doing stuff with him. That has changed now and the kids tend to stay away from him.<P>So give your kids a chance, and don't take ti personal. I know how hard that is and how deep the pain is. <P>Again remember, that if your kids are going to be around this "woman", then atleast the kids like her, she isn't some witch that is going to eat them.<P>I am so sorry for your pain. It takes a long time, but it does(?) get somewhat easier.<P>I asked my s tonite if he would mind if the woman I am seeing did something with us sometime, and he said yes since he knows her and is comfortable around her. HE said he is not comfortable around om and he has been seeing him around their mother for a year now and they have none right from beginnning who/what he was.

Keridwen,<BR> Believe me,I understand!<BR> I knew my in-laws for about 25 years.A quarter of a century.I invited them over all the time,worked on their houses and cars,and treated them like family.<BR> <BR>After stbx moved out,she was showcasing BoyToy to her family within a month.A month!I was so hurt and angry,I could of spit nails! <BR>These were the people I thought were my family,and they threw me out with the bathwater.<BR> <BR>But like your in-laws,who knows what was said to them about me.I know my stbx told them lies,but who would believe me?They are her family,after all.<P> You're D@mn right it hurts,it hurts like He!!. It still hurts.They couldn't even call me,and ask my side of the story.<P> All you can do,is try to rise above it.Maintain your dignity.I finally fiqured,if they're going to disown me,I'll disown them.All you can say is,"To heck with the whole bunch of them,I can do better." <BR>Keep telling yourself that,and believe it.<P> Vent here anytime you want to.Heck,the rest of us do.Take care of yourself.<P> ~~Murph<P> <P> <P> <P>

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 05:25 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Oh Keridwen,<P>I'm so so sorry for this. It is awful. I haven't actually had to deal with my H introducing the girls to any OW yet. He did come close with the first one, the one we initially broke up over, but it never eventuated.<BR>However, I do know exactly what you mean about the in-laws.<BR>My fil very kindly (not) told me before I left that I was not working hard enough on my marriage, and I was doing the wrong thing by leaving. My mil also agreed with that. The still to this day do not know that their son had an affair before we split up, they think he had a little crush on a girl he worked with, I couldn't handle it, I was being a painful 'princess' and I left their son. Taking their only grandchildren with me.<BR>FIL hasn't spoken to me to this day, and the last time I spoke to MIL we had an arguement which ended with me telling her to mind her own business, and that this was none of her business. So she basically hasn't spoken to me since Nov '99.<BR>They also let my H take OW #1 to their home, so he could introduce her. What about me? Do I not figure anywhere here? H also introduced OW #2 to his family, at his birthday barbecue in Feb. My children also happened to be there, which I couldn't stand the thought of, but for some reason, this second woman didn't bother me like the fist one did. His second relationship only lasted a matter of weeks, and when she was introduced to my children, she was only one of many. Some of our friends who had children were also at the barbecue, so my girls were more interested in playing with them.<BR>I still can be brought to tears thinking of the injustice of it all. He has the affair, he chooses not to work on our marriage, but I'm the one in the wrong. I'm supposed to just look the other way and let him "get it out of his system", and just deal with it. How do you deal with problems in a marriage when the other party is just not interested. Well, I know how to now, but back then, before I found this forum, I had no idea. I just knew I was hurting like I had never hurt before, and it seemed that everyone in his family were turning their backs on me. I don't think I can forgive that just yet, maybe one day, maybe.....<P>To bring perhaps a lighter note to this oh so painful time for you, I saw this wall plaque today which said<P>"If mother-in-laws were flowers, <BR> I'd put roundup on mine..."<P>roundup is a very toxic poison for weeds!!!!<P>It's my mil's birthday in 2 weeks time, and I honestly thought about buying it, but I guess I am just not that mean. God give me strength, I wanted to tho.!!!!!!!!!<P>I am so sorry for this pain that you are in, I know it hurts so bad.<BR>Let yourself hurt, but then when the children are back home with you, love them harder and longer. They are what matter in this sad and sorry mess we have been left in.<BR>My children have given me the strength to deal with things that I thought I would never be able to deal with. I have grown so much myself, by being able to put them first. I firmly believe (just my own personal belief) that if we put their needs first in this, we won't go wrong. My H is also coming around to this way of thinking, without too much nagging or coercion from me. I hope your H can do the same.<BR>I'm thinking of you, and sending a big hug.<BR>Take care of you, and know that we are here for you.<P>Jo

Keri, <P>I know this is very difficult for you...<BR>You must first take care of yourself and the negative thoughts about this situation. In regards to them meeting the OW, there is most likely nothing you can do. And the inlaws, too. Unfortunately, when people divorce, these are the things that happen. <P>My x had the OW out here the weekend after our divorce was final. It hurt like hell. And he had the kids that weekend as well. My son was very resentful because my X left him at home by himself most of the weekend. My D had a car so she was gone with friends. They both came back and told me she was a ditz!!<P>You need to rise above the pain you are feeling and know that this is his loss. Many times the betrayer has no idea the hurt and pain this situation can cause us all. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Keridwen,<BR>I've been divorced twice, and both sets of ILs pretended that I'd never existed. Even though we'd had a warm relationship before. (One set even vindictively tried to charge me rent for living in my own home - long story) The only way I could understand or forgive their callous behavior was to remember that they were being loyal to their own flesh and blood children. This didn't make the pain of their rejection vanish, but it made me more cynically accepting of the situation.<P>You are a better person for living through this experience, because someday you might be understanding or more forgiving to a dil or sil that "hurts your child" than these people have been to you.<P>H

<P>Keridwen7:<BR> I know exactly how you feel! It does seem like a nightmare doesn't it? My H did the same thing to me years back and his words were "It's about time they met her!"<BR>He did take my son, behind my back, and introduced him to her. He told my son they were going to spend some time together, "just you & I". Then told him not to tell mom!!! My son was so confused and cried & cried until I got it out of him that "daddy made him keep a secret from mommy". I wanted to tear him apart!<BR> He also took her to his family gatherings and they also welcomed her with open arms. That really hurts, I know!<BR> You are not history! You are still MOM,<BR>and she will never be!<BR> Downhearted<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Downhearted (edited July 08, 2000).]

Keridwen--<P>{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}<P>I have since happily remarried. But it's still hurtful when I recall what happened three years ago. H and I were separated. During H's visitation with the kids, he'd even started taking them to spend the weekend at OW's house...where inappropriate movies were allowed, etc., etc. They took the kids on vacation to the beach...and lost our youngest, the beach patrol finding her an hour later. OW ended up seeing them during vistation more than H did. I expected that to happen. <P>I (and the kids) survived all that, with steely control. I cried late at night, quietly. A diet of stress melted a few pounds away. I thought, okay, under the circumstances I'm doing pretty well. But THEN....<P>I picked up the kids one day after H's visitation at his mom's. I went up the stairs, rapped lightly and opened the door as usual, with MIL blocking my entry...because OW was there! She wouldn't even let me step inside! It didn't hurt as much that she was there, as it did knowing I was not allowed to come in BECAUSE she was there! MIL explained later that she didn't KNOW what to do and hoped she could smooth it over with me later. <P>I filed for divorce the next day.<P>I do understand that indescribable pain you have. Thinking of you and wishing you the best.

K-<P>I'm really sorry too. I don't know what I'd do if my IL's turned on me. I'm closer to them than my own parents, well mother anyway. My MIL thinks H is nuts and has told him not to bring his girlfriend (present or past) anywhere near her, thank God. She asked me for their names so she'd know. Her support has saved my sanity. It also comes from the fact that my H's real dad did the same exact thing to his mom and then her IL's turned on her, so she told me she will absolutely not hurt me or turn on me because I don't deserve it. She's wonderful. As a result, I think, lately my H told her he now is involved with no one. ?? Wonder what happened? Cutey pie doesn't want to walk into something where no one's going to welcome her I guess. Too much baggage I guess. Oh well.<P>But the kids hurt the most. The person who tore your family apart is making a good impression on them. I do believe like everyone else that it's a short lived impression. Doesn't mean it doesn't feel like a knife. But I guess it doesn't do them any good to hate people either. They are so innocent now, but will in time see that mom is the bigger, more decent person. One day they will be old enough to understand how noble their mother was in the face of real pain, and how careless and cheap the OW's part was in all this.<P>God bless - Kathy