As far as I can find, and that is not saying much, I have not seen a reconciliation plan, other than if there is an affair, to be willing and able to answer all the BS's questions.<P>Is there anywhere in any of the books, a good plan for reconciliation? Sue brought up that S. Harley made a great point about having a reconciliation plan, and I believe one is critical.<P>BUT WHERE IS ONE DISCUSSED?<P>thanks <P>(just in case STBX gets hit by a MB lightning bolt, odds same as winning Powerball )<P>thl

When I was counseling with him, it was a plan to restore the love. It first started with each one doing the EN questonaire. Then discussing how each other could meet those needs. Then the joint policy. Sorry, thats as far as we got, but it was a start. <P>If you embrace Dr. H principles I strongly suggest you counsel with them or someone familiar with the principles. We must be willing to put the effort and $ if needed to save our marriages, esp if children are involved. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Ya know, we have plenty of money, and I would put just the interest alone into counselling, but it won't do a damn bit of difference.<P>Arrogant, STBX who has lost her mind, mentally ill, is not wanted back. I want to see her crash on her own weight and see if one of her local friends actually wants someone who hates sex, blames her H for everything, and I mean everything, and isn't very intelligent in the first place, can't remember where she puts stuff like keys to cars, gets totally upset when she can't do everything she wants to, and complains about life.<P>STOP! Don't ask that obvious question, because I do know the answer, I've done my time in therapy, working hard at it too.<P>Just wanted to see if there was a Reconciliation plan in a book, or just<BR>what you said.<P>thanks,<P>thl<BR>

I think the stuff in "SAA" helps you restart the reconciliation process....the no contact letter, the policies, etc. It gets you to "first base" so to speak.<BR> But then, that is where the real work starts. The EN questionaire was to be done by both of us, faxed into S. Harley, then he wanted to counsle both of us individually about it and then together. I did it, but he never did. <BR>When we first split up, two years ago, it was a real wake up call, for both of us. We were anxious (I was anxious) to restore our marriage and figured that as long as the OW was not in the picture, it would be easy.<P> I was dead wrong. He moved in, we went to a couple of counseling sessions, and slipped right back into out old ways. Maybe he never really ended it, not sure now. But within a few month I knew something wasn't right. I would ask, but he said all was ok. Upon the second discovery, he moved out again, then told me it was over. I found out different, and went to a full blown Plan A. But he finally told me he could not/wounld not discontinue the affair. At that point I gave up and decided to file. <BR>A true plan is so important. But it takes two............<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Ending the affair & reconciling are the easy part. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>slipped right back into out old ways.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>This is the hard part. It's up to both spouses to help each other keep up the changes and make them develop into habits.<P>Having been married for xx years and learning (incorrectly) to act/react to each other is something which we all have to work at.<P>Wanna start a fight with your spouse? You probably know exactly which buttons to push to get it going. Understand them and learn to recognize when you are going there & do something different.<P>(sorta off track but hey if it helps, great!)<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Thanks Sue,<P>After I posted, it hit me that that the SAA book would be the right book. After DanaB's X came back with tail between his legs, I gotta believe Plan A works.<P>But you are right, you need the other person cooperating. Right now, that is not the case, and have been told it never will be.<P>However, the only conclusion I can figure out with my STBX is that she is both mentally ill, and menopause is wreaking havoc with the good portion. I just don't know what I would do if in two or three months, she said she would like to work on it. I would be shocked, and I would be very cautious.<P>I moved out today, and my phone still doesn't work at home, so I am at work. Last night, as our last night in the same house, I sat her down and told her of all the research I had done, and finally found a book that explained my <B> 15 years </B> of wondering what her behavior was all about. She of course just dismisses it because I am not licensed nor an expert (however, I do alot of research on anything I want to understand, and I am not stupid!)<P>I told her I thought she was mentally ill, and needs to explore this with a therapist, as I can see some of it in our kids. Says each incident in the pattern is an isolated event, not connected to the same action last month, etc. She also tries to make herself numb, in order to not think about it.<P>I respect you very much for staying so long, and trying to work it out. I asked STBX to fill out the EN questionnarie, and she did, wasn't interested in seeing mine, and her answers did not really make sense.<P>We are in mediation right now, and so each of us is in a Plan A so to speak, so that mediation will go better. <P>As far as dating again, at first I was gung ho, now, I don't even want to think about it. <BR>I just want to see how this goes with the kids, and with STBX. <P>Tanks again for your responses. Take care.<P>thl

thl,<BR>I read where you said you see how Plan A would help with the reconciliation. I don't think telling your w/stbx that she is mentally ill is part of Plan A. Telling them how they are wrong is a huge lovebuster that will be held against you.<P>Plan A is to make her feel you are a safe haven to turn too. Lecturing her and telling her whats wrong with her won't make her feel that.<P>Bob

thl, rwd, sue<P>Good points from both sides. After 16 years of marriage, I'm headed for divorce...<P>Many times I've felt like thl, that my W was mental and needed help... only recently have I accepted the fact that <B>I</B> had a role in that... <P>I moved out for a month, and back in,(for the last 2 months), at W's request. And at her request, we will also divorce. I don't think there is OM, I just think she wants one...and I'm glad she waited.<P>Plan A is working...we've actually been getting along better than we have for the last 6-8 years. But she's not a willing participant to the point that she wants to save the marriage, so there is little that I can do, except to continue through the divorce proceedings...who knows, maybe we'll re-marry someday.<P>I don't burn bridges when I leave jobs either. <P>I'm sure that we could work out our problems, and restore our marriage, but I can't do it alone. So I see letting her have the divorce as the only means to help her decide that's what she wants. And she might...<P>Where's Gina and that never give up hope attitude...I need it now - because this sucks!<P>Good luck guys,<P>bwilling

bwilling<P>My counselor said my x had and exit affair, that she just wanted out of the marriage that she used the affair for the reason end the marriage. I believe that is part of it, plus her MLC and then the only reason she has stuck with om is because she has no where else to go. I think she just thought she would get rid of me and everything else would remain the same.

SAA is a good place to start.<P>And I have to differ here.....it doesn't take two.<P>Most of us who are there and trying have done it alone.....the same for me right after Robert came home. <P>It works BETTER with two, it works FASTER with two, but it's not necessary to have cooperation - at least for a while.<P>One CAN bring two together sometimes (the sometimes is for those who will come back to say "not in MY case" - I KNOW it's not always!), one CAN begin to LIVE Plan A and gently guide and teach the other without their even knowing it. It happens all the time....a lot of my heroes here come to mind.<P>Oh, well, another 2 cents...<P>Lori