Greetings and Salutations,<P>Where to start .. I'm not sure, but I will attempt to.<P>I've been married for 4 years and living with him for 9 years. We were dating in college when I moved in with him. The circumstances weren't the greatest. He pursued me for quite some time until one day he sent me some flowers saying goodbye. We started dating that day. I had been dating several people before that and stopped. <P>We had only been dating for a couple of months when my mother decided to kick me out. I was in college and working, but she didn't like the hours I kept. I moved in with my sister. I wasn't making a lot of money, minimum wage I think, and didn't know where to go. Within 2 months I moved out after a confrontation with my brother-in-law about his verbal abuse of my sister.<P>Yes, I moved in with my husband. He was irresponsible, a slob, mean, and other things. I wasn't speaking to my mother. I didn't speak to her for three years after I moved out. I wanted to stay in school and so I stayed with him. I never was intimate with anyone else, but I did get "close" to two men before I married. It didn't last long and I broke them both off as quick as they happened.<P>I wasn't happy with my situation, but I tried to make the best of it. I felt like I had to make him want me to stay. Anything he wanted he got. I payed off his bills, I shopped for groceries, I paid the bills .. I took care of everything. I had to ask him to do anything he contributed .. up til around 2 or 3 years ago. I had to ask him to shop once in awhile. I used to work in a grocery store and when I asked him his response was .. "Oh I thought because you worked there it was easier if you did it".<P>I guess I missed affection. I missed conversation. I missed honesty. He had a problem and still does with lieing. He would tell me he would pay a bill and wouldn't. He would tell me he returned a movie and wouldn't. Not that he would eventually do it .. he wouldn't do it at all. One time I got a letter from a collection agency for 3 movies. Movies that were 3 months overdue and I found hidden in a drawer. I couldn't trust him to the point that I was afraid to let him have access to our account. I finally decided it wasn't worth the worry and kept extra money in the account to cover problems. He had a problem with pornography. Even when he had no money and no job he would max out credit cards to buy magazines. I never understood that.<P>He had a problem keeping a job. In one year he had five. He was never happy working where he was. I tried to be supportive. He wanted to start his own business. I helped start one and ended up doing everything. He wanted to go back to school and did. He quit. That happened twice. I wanted to go to grad school. I even took the GRE, but stopped pursuing it because he wanted to go back. I felt guilty because he had stopped going to school when we moved in together. His parents stopped supporting him. I felt like that was my fault.<P>The last couple of years we really stopped communicating to each other. He started doing things .. like household things .. things he didn't do before. I didn't feel like I appreciated his efforts. It was like it was too little too late. I had started a small business on the net, selling on Ebay as well as working as a full-time surveyor. If we were home I either did that or he played video games. It seemed all my leisure time was spent trying to make money and his was goofing off.<P>I actually remember making a conscious decision one day to play video games. I know they are a blackhole for time, but it was the old .. "if you can I can". We started playing online games, one in particular was Everquest. I met a lot of people that way. I met another man that way.<P>I "played" the game with a set bunch of people usually. You kind of seek better players out. It was never in a "get to know you way" but seriously in a serious gamer way. After playing in game for 5 months with several people one night I just spilled how unhappy I was. Yes, I connected with this person.<P>I seperated from my husband for 5 months, filed for divorce, and moved to another state. All of these things because I had to make a decision. My husband wanted to me to decide if I was going to be with him or not, the other man wanted me to be with him, I had to move out of my boss's home, I didn't want to move home, and I didn't know what to do. Speaking with my husband, trying to tell him what upset me .. he would tell me I had to accept him for who he was. That he didn't care what I was missing .. what I saw other men do for their wives .. things I wanted. <P>He wants to reconcile. He wants to move where I move. I admit I've been talking to him. I've been depressed. I miss the past, the things we did together .. He was dating someone else when I was really depressed and kind of led me on. I hate to say this because I'm still seeing the other man. I know we aren't a very good match. He is very attentive, doting, tries to do anything to please me .. but I detect selfishness and I balk at it. <P>I don't know what to do. My divorce isn't final and I have to finish the paperwork. My husband doesn't think I am going to .. that we are going to move back to the same path. The other man wants us to move on the same path. I'm afraid of what I've done. I'll hurt the both of them no matter what I do because they'll both have to know otherwise I'm a hypocrite.<P>I'm almost to the point where I'll move again .. to move away from it. <P>Sincerely yours,<BR>Pauline

Pauline,<P>Hi and welcome to the forum. I am sorry to see no one has replied to your post yet. Be sure to reply to other's posts and you will start to get more replies on your own.<P>I can relate to a few things you have said. Being young, having a hard life growing up. At some point, knowing you are in a bad situation, yet you try to make the best of it. Its an emotional abuse that you don't realize til your out of it.<P>Yet one day you look back and you actually MISS this man, who has caused pain to you in the past.<P>I can't offer advice as my situation is totally different, but I did want to stop in and say hi. <P>Right now you need some time to decide what YOU want and what makes YOU happy. Seperating yourself from the ex, for a period of time will either make you or break you, just like the Plan B. You will either miss him terribly, or start to fall out of love with him. Either way, its at that point, you'll start to know where you want to head.<P>If you want this marriage still, you can Plan A and try to learn how to fix it. The whole Harley plan is extremely helpful with that. If you don't want the marriage, you can follow Plan A to Plan B to see where you wind up.<P>I won't lie, I skipped Plan B, because I had years of neglect, no affection, no admiration. We had fun. But looking back, it was like being a brother and sister or something. I knew what he was thinking, how he would act about things, but I there came a time when I just wasn't in love as I should have been.<P>I would not change much about the past six months of my life. I love where I am at right now and I am very happy in general in life. It was a lot of hard work to get here, but you too, can find peace.<P>Good luck, Dana<BR>

Hi, <P>I haven't been posting long, but lurked for a long time.<P>You are in a quandry. Do you have children? That should influence your decision. <P>Certainly can't tell you what to do, but I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship that was like you described.<P>But I do think people can change if they want to change. But basic character? That deep down core person? Don't know about that one.<P>Or maybe neither one of them is right for you.<P>No advice here, other than judge your motives, try to do the correct thing, and follow your instincts. They are usually correct. Good luck.