First to file for divorce that is. I am just wondering if it gives you any advantage or can I just wait and see if H does it on his own? I guess I really need to see a lawyer hereto get info on this state, but have been avoiding it.<BR>Lora

Hey Lora,<BR> How are you doing? Where have you been hiding? Listen,I have this pile of firewood that needs splitting..... <P> As far as filing first,I can tell you what was told to me.My lawyer said,in my case,if my W was willing to sacrifice everything to be with the OM(in a relationship he said probably won't last),that I should jump on it,and file first.<BR>My W left it up to me,while she's in La La Land.If I waited too long,or for her to file(and really think about it),she may decide to go ahead and take half of everything.I couldn't afford to take that chance,and lose my house and retirement savings,just because she wanted to go play.BoyToy might even convince her to"clean that jerk out".I know they say to let the WS file,but I won't let her walk off with my entire lifestyle.<P> I don't know if this would even apply in your situation,just wanted to give you my two-bits.Let us know how you're doing.Any questions about filing in WA,just ask.<P> ~~Murph/LazyBBum

Lora,<P>It probably does differ from state to state, but my attorney told me it only matters if there are children involved and you want to obtain temporary custody. Apparently, if you file first you automatically get temporary custody until it goes to court, etc. Hope this helps.<P>Tulip

Murphy,<BR> I havent been posting much. That long thread takes too long for my computer to post on it. I have also been a little depressed after finding some evidence of my H calling OW from our vacation. And today found appartment applications.<BR> I don't know if there would be an atvantage for me to file. No kids, and he has the most retirement money. He is saying I can have the house, but his retirement is worth more than our equity in it so I think I would come out the same. <BR> Did she just sign the house over to you? You didn't have to refinance did you?<BR> Maybe a little exercise is just what I need. I am not off till sunday, you will probably have the wood chopped by then.<P>Tulip, thanks, no kids so I guess I will wait and hope he has a change of heart before he files.<BR>Lora

Lora,<P>In my experience, he moved out and my lawyer said I would have the advantage, and I did. The papers were written the way I wanted it to be (that he couldn't have the kids around any unmarried members of the opposite sex, OW, and that he had to supply me with an address, and some other things). It was then up to him to agree or not, which actually made him look bad. The other thing is that he moved to another county and I wanted it filed in my county because my county is far more conservative and I stood a better chance of getting most of what I want here with our judges, rather than in his county where they'd probably have no mercy on an at-home mother. There were other reasons, lots of them, all of which escape me right now because it just seems like it's all TOO MUCH to remember. It just seems like I have more control over the proceedings and he can only counter (not that I'm a control freak or anything, but this is too important to hand it to him).<P>Oh, also, my H was giving me money to keep the bills paid and my lawyer told me I needed to file to make SURE they continued to be paid. You know you can file and just let it sit on hold. You don't have to serve him right away, or ever for that matter. But if you at least have it out there, he can't get the advantage. Mine only found out I filed when he went and got a lawyer. Thank God I did because he had decided not to give me any more money and since I'd already filed there was not waiting period for it, we had only 2 late bill payments because I was already on file. He was forced to continue supporting us right away.<P>Also, don't believe anything he says you can have at this point. I was told he'd take care of everything as it is right now, that I could still stay home and raise the kids, he just wouldn't be here. Well, things have a way of changing once tensions get higher in a divorce, not to mention the fact that the OP starts to add their two cents. He now wants my little boys in daycare and me working (so they can lose their mother too, after having lost their father). Now he wants the house sold and doesn't care where we end up - that's my problem.<P>I say that if you ARE SURE and it is INEVITABLE, gain the control for yourself so that the OW doesn't get the big bonus she thinks she's gonna get.<P>God bless, Kathy<BR><p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited July 05, 2000).]

Hi, Lora,<P>I don't know if you want my 2 cents, but since I just filed last Thursday and he hasn't been served yet, I can offer why I did it first.<P>H (I guess that should be stbx now) is living with the OW. He does give us (my 4 daughters and I) money, but it's never the same amount. Because his paycheck is never the same, he seems to think we can sacrifice, while I try to continue to pay the bills on HIS house, for his kids. He's taking a good size chunk for himself, though he says he doesn't have many expenses. He's supposedly not paying OW's bills (yeah, right), but $250 to bail her out of jail counts for something, I think. Add to that the fact that "we're" coming into some money soon, through a property sale, so we can pay off our debt, and I didn't want him getting his hands on it to spend on her. My kids have already done without so she can have jewelry and a dozen roses for her birthday. I want to be sure they don't have to do without anymore.<P>Another reason is, he'd probably never file, if given the choice. He'd rather we all live our lives according to his whims. If he did file first, I'd feel like I was on the defensive. I like having the offensive on this. It puts him at a disadvatage. I'm not in such a rush to get out of this that I'll take less. I don't intend to take any more than is rightfully mine, after 24 years of marriage.<P>Will he be surprised when he's served? You bet, although he knows I've seen an attorney and should understand that I'm serious. But I don't think he really believes I'd do it. I guess he'll learn different. <P>I'm not out for revenge and I'm not trying to hurt him or rip him off. But the time came that I couldn't continue to live in a relationship where he couldn't make up his mind and expects me to make all the changes. He figures if he gave up all contact with the OW, I should never refer to this mess again. Like I told him, I have to live with the knowledge of his infidelity for the rest of my life. He'd like for me to forget it happened (for a year and a half) and we can make a fresh start...probably with the same old mistakes..<P>Oops! Sorry, I didn't mean to vent. It all comes down to whether you believe in your heart that it's the best for you. Things might be different if I didn't have kids, but then again, I "hung on" when he asked me to, did all I could to "help" him through his depression, and continued to stay faithful to a man who couldn't. Check with a lawyer for your best options.<P>Best of luck and take your time, if you can.<P>2sad

Lora,<BR> He called the OW when you were on vacation together? That's terrible.No wonder you're depressed.<BR> Has he told you that he was going to move into an apartment? It'd be nice of him to let you know.<BR> <BR>There are a few different ways of signing over a house,but it also depends on the mortgage lender.Refinancing is one,and isn't that complicated.You may get a better interest rate.Some lenders want big$$$$to sign off one title holder,so you need to call them.<P> My lawn should be ready to mow again by Sunday........... <P> ~~Murph

Lora,<BR>Since you have no kids, I wouldn't think there would be any difference. The other party can always counter.<P>My x filed first, I countered, she countered, we then attempted reconciliation and she fired her lawyer (I kept mine). When x went back to om, I went back to my lawyer, then w accompanied me, and we worked out the final details( I got her to come down on my pension amount and some on amount I would pay her for house, I agreed to let her claim what she made in 98 as basis for child support and allowed her to claim youngest child as tax deduction) and were done within a half hour.<P>My lawyer recommended filing first because in his experience, women usually feel guilty initially and will agree to almost anything(women, except my x feel guilt), not sure how men react, although it doesn't sound like most male betrayers feel guilty when it comes to divorce proceedings. It sounds like most feel the ow deserve all their financial protection now.<P>Don't know if this helps or not. I was not going to file either, but I could no longer take the rejection/pain.<P>Bob<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

Kathy,<BR> I am just not at the point that I feel it is over yet and don't want to be the one that does something that can't be mended. I am not sure he will file for a divorce.<P>2sad,<BR> Glad you are taking care of yourself. Please, vent away... it feels good sometimes doesnt it? And you know we totally understand.<P>Murphy,<BR> Yes he called he from Hawaii, and I had such hopes of reconnecting with him on that trip. When I asked him why he called he said just to say HI. They are just friends.... ARGGGGGG.<P>Bob, <BR> I am a little afraid that he might be vindictive once he gets over his guilt. But we don't have kids and I guess I am entitled to half, and I am not in a hurry for this divorce so it seems OK to wait for now. I may see a lawyer soon though.<BR>Lora

Lora-<P>In my state (CA)it makes no difference who files first, although I would agree the person filing "feels" that they have the offensive position. I filed first but so what. The marriage was over anyway. We had to share everything 50/50 as this is a community property state. <P>Murphy - isn't your state community property? Even though the home we lived in was first purchased by my stbx prior to our marriage, I still got 50% of the total equity in it during the time we were married (18 years!)<P>I don't really think it matters who files first. I think it's true as someone else said that you do it when you cannot endure anymore of the pain and rejection of the affair.<P>

Lora,<BR> He called all the way from Hawaii just to say hi? Just friends?.......Right!<P> Tired Lady,<BR> WA is a community property state which implies that the assets be split 50/50.But that doesn't mean they have to be.I filed uncontested,which means I could leave her a dollar,as long as she signs the papers.She was nice enough to let me keep the house,and my retirement.I guess she didn't want to screw up my life anymore than she did("I only acted like I loved you".)"Thanks,Honey."<P> ~~Murph