We were married 25 years, surprised with divorce papers, during that 6 months divorce was "not open for discussion" "will happen no matter what" had very little contact and "of course there is not another woman". Well divorce has been final for 6 months, he is living with other woman and has made no contact at all, don't even know where he lives. We were so close and happy until the last year, he seemed so angry the whole year. I just can't believe they can walk away and not care at all. We had no children, it was just us. I can't believe the cruel way he has done this.

Welcome to the world of divorce. I have been divorced for 3 yrs after 28 yr marriage. EX left me for OW and is still with her. He also wants no contact with me. I do know how you feel and there are many here who will support you and we are all hear to listen. I think the first year is the hardest, but I promise it does get a little easier.

My wife is much the same. She did not have the kids at all this week and didn't even call to talk to them.<P>My personal opinion is that they are afraid. She tells me that she is happier than she has ever been. But every time she sees me she cries, even when I am doing my best plan a. I think that they know what they should be doing, but for some reason won't.<P>That, and I am the only one who holds her responsible for her actions. Everyone else around her enables her irresponsibility. I won't do that. She needs to understand how she messed up all of the lives around her. I don't (usually) get strident, but try to give her to think. My old biology instructor used to call it "planting seeds." That's what I try to do, plant seeds. I don't want her to do to anyone else what she did to us.

I have not posted in a very long time, but I still get very up set, and still cry because my ex left with no communication of what he felt was wrong, and never expressed or explained one thing that was ever bothering him about our marriage.. he had always held in all his ill feelings, and I had to be the one to confront and ask to talk all the time.. <P>How does some one do this.. I will *never* understand it, ever..! he just turned around and said, he doesn`t love me any more.. that was back in Nov. of 98... he left in the middle of the night, (thanks giving eve) and left my daughter, (not me!!!) a note of good bye, and never once looked back.. <P>I am sitting here right now,to this day, still in awe, and so distraught about this whole thing, because since he left, I have gotten nothing but the silent treatment, and still have no eye or verbal contact with this man I was married to for 13 yrs (together 3 before marraige)... We have a 12 yr old daughter, (10 at the time of D) and now all he feels he needs to do is leave me little notes if anything needs to be said.. <P>I was the only one during out entire marraige making any efforts to holding us together, and after he left again I had tried for 6 mths to reconcile... I asked him to dinner a few times, and he came and just sat and let me vent, but said nothing.. I then saw and knew this was a waist of both our time, so I gave up, and went right into plan b, and have been there ever since.. <P>I now except that the divorce is inevidable.. but I can not except why he can`t be just freinds, for our daughters sake.. I *never ever!* did a thing to hurt this man, yet he has done everything, before and since the sep to hurt me.. (cheated, lied, and covered up his accounts before leaving, etc... etc..etc...) why I keep getting treated this way, I have no idea, and of course I now never will know.. <P>He was never confrontational, and held in and back all and any issues he obviously had with me, and I was such the total opposite, and always tried talking about everything that came to my mind, I thought we needed to discuss and then was told all I do is complain... well, that to me was not complaining, it was a way of opening up some sort of communication.. or so I thought any way... <P>I still can not get over the fact that he just left our marriage, and never once has shown any remorse.. he is just not the man I once knew.. I use to think he was the best thing that had ever happened to me.. I truely felt this man was the warmest, and most compassionate person I had ever met, and *I* never lost any of that loving feeling, until the last yr of our marriage together, when he grew deeper into his rediculous shell.. <P>I see it now, as he really never changed, it was all me, and just me, expecting and visuallizing this man I feel so in love with to eventually becoming my best freind and a much more decent human being.. the man I thought I once knew.. but he will never be marriage material... <P>I was his second marraige, and he lived with a woman inbetween the two marraiges.. so in reality he has failed three woman in his life.. but of course he doesn`t look at it that way, he still looks at it as if we are all the bad guys.. and he just hasn`t found the right person in his life yet.. but you see, to me, we are all the same.. we are all really looking for the same thing in life, a want a good marriage with a great relationship, but it is only the faces that change.. If he can`t work at a relationship, (and obviously he can`t) then his life is just filled with all superficial living... and I am a firm beleiver in reality..! and that there is no such thing a perfection marriage.. every one has their flaws, and if you lived with them, all those yrs, and just now, you leave, because you can`t take those flaws any more, then you should have said or done something about them as they came about.. and not waited until you built up such deep recentment, you just couldn`t take it any more and then just leave with out a word... <P>AV

Not knowing is hard, huh? All I can advise is not to read into it. I find that my imagination conjures things that are usually far worse than reality. If you have to give yourself an explanation, make it one that is compassionate like he discovered he has a terminal illness and didn't want to give you the pain of watching him die. (It's kinda true in a sick sort of way). <P>For a long time my H didn't give me any explanations either. I thought he was cold and heartless and was simply a monster for walking away from me and our past like that, but you know what? He's talking a bit now. He told me he had to stay away because he could face his guilt. He felt he destroyed something beautiful that could never be restored again. He knew how painful it was for me to see him, so he couldn't do it. It was too hard.<P>Maybe there is some equally "loving" reason from your ex? If you give him the benefit of the doubt, it will soften your pain and his vision in your eyes making you more open to healing. Give it a try?

I do not want to take away from what is suppose to be xhoney`s thread, and turn this around into something more about me.. <P>But I will say this... I can not forgive this man for the way he *STILL* acts and treats me.. (1 1/2 yrs later) and until he can *BE* a real HUMAN BEING again.. It ain`t gonna happen for either of us... and shame on him, because my daughter is the one watching this sick man do this to us all.. because I am the willing party, and always have been... I have/and had tried numerous times writting him letters to please be civil with each other for our daughters sake, and at least be able to talk about things reguarding our daughter.. but nothing I do or say effects this TRUELY IGNORANT alien..<P>and I refuse to do so, for the main reason, that during our entire!!! marraige I was **always** the one to break the ice.. to mend what was going on between us.. and held this marriage together, until the last yr we were together, and thats why we fell apart.. I feel this man needs to learn him self how to finally grow up and be the man he (still) has portrayed him self to be, to every one else.. BUT!!!! ME!!! It is all so superficial.. and he is just a phony, and now most every one that knows my situation, knows this too... <P>I apologize to you xhoney.. for taking away from your thread.. this is not about just me, it is about all the betrayers, who have no true common sence to look deep with into their own faults, and face what they needed to do about it.. instead they all choose to run away from it all... the nice people they *THINK* they are!!! <P>NOT!!!!<P>AV<BR>

I do not understand either. While I have not been married as long as many of you have, it is a mystery to me, how one night I can be sitting on the couch rubbing her feet, and the next day falling apart watching her pack all her belongings. (and 3 days before my birthday)<BR>The only time she contacts me is when she needs money. Otherwise she wont even return my phone calls.<BR>I do not understand......I only feel like our whole relationship was a lie.....and because I loved her so deeply it is breaking me into. <BR>I have no desire to eat, can barely function even with the antidepressants.....<BR>As my mother says, life is just not fair sometimes.

xhoney,<BR> It's hard to comprehend.Like I posted before,my stbx and I just took out a large loan to remodel the house.I was going to build her a brand new kitchen.We were shopping for cabinets,bringing home samples,and had blueprints all drawn up.<BR> About a week later,she disclosed her affair with a younger man,moved out,wanted an immediate divorce,and said we could be good friends someday......<BR> I actually asked her if she didn't like the cabinets we picked out.<BR> <BR>So there I was,sitting in an empty house,with blueprints for a new kitchen,a bunch of money in the bank,wondering what the he11 happened after 22 years of marriage.<BR> <BR> I still have a hard time comprehending it. <P> ~~Murph

Thank you all for your replies, it is so amazing so many of us our going through such times. This site has been such a comfortable place for me to visit. My husband also said we would be great friends, would always be there for me, I knew he was stressed and tried to give him his space while waiting for divorce to be final but did usually cry on the phone. He seemed like such an angry stranger. Divorce was final and haven't heard from him since. His family has also been shut out. I wish so much this could have been a separation instead of immediate divorce.