My husband left me on May 2nd, when he slept with other woman for the first time. He never came back home, on May 10 he rented an apartament, on June 2 she quited her job in other State and moved in with him. On June 15 we signed for a divorce. He´s 47 and she´s 26. Last time I saw him was in the Court we have no kids and he has one from first marriage, none from the second, one from the third and none withe me. Question is that this weekend I am miserable, at home, alone and he´s in our favorite hotel in the beach with her and our friends. I want to date when do you thing I will be OK again to do it ? I would like to be there with a boyfriend and my friends. I´m 37, nice looking, I really take care of myself, practice sports, skinny and tan. I´m on hterapy and medication for depression. How long does it take to feel good again ?

Hey Claudia,<BR> I take it this is your H's 4th marriage?<BR> I guess some people never learn,huh?<BR> <BR> Are you divorced now,or is it in the works?My stbx left about 1 1/2 years ago,and even after I'm divorced,I don't intend to date for some time.I feel I need a lot of time to heal and get over a 23 year marriage.But then that's me. <BR> It's going to take as long as it takes,depending on the person.There's no set answer that will fit everybody.<BR> Stick to the meds and therapy if you feel it helps.Learn to be strong,and independant.Don't jump into another relationship until you feel you don't have to.Make sense? Take care.<P> ~~Murph<BR>

I understand... but it´s sooooo hard to be alone !!! (<P>We´re married for 8 years. I just cannot understand how those mean do not have any feeling for what they had before. It´s like to press the delete on our marriage and a new wife, that´s it. I´m miserable, crying, on therapy, meds, the costs of living alone again... and how about him ? How about justice ? How about being preying so much during all my life for love, health, union...<BR>I would love to learn with them how they make things so easy, how they do it. Definitly I need some classes of sarcarsm, cheating, being a lier...<P>Sorry I´m so sad today !<P>Luv,<P>Claudia

Claudia,<P>Good news? It gets better.<BR>Bad news? I recommend you wait two years for the marriage to be over. Just because he left & is living with her doesn’t mean squat.<P>Don’t be to eager to “get out” & date. Learn to understand yourself & what you contributed/didn’t contribute to the relationship.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I would love to learn with them how they make things so easy, how they do it. Definitly I need some classes of sarcarsm, cheating, being a lier...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>It’s easy. Just bury it all inside, get someone else to “be happy” with and have a total disregard for anyone elses feelings.<P>You really don’t want that, do you? Just think how he is going to feel in 5 years. Get the book “Private Lies“ by Frank Pittman. Also I would immediately get the book “Surviving An Affair” by Willard Halrey. Both will help you immensely to understand what is going on inside you & inside him.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Chris,<P>thanks a lot for the e-mail. You bet. <P>My therapist and I both agree that the marriage is not over yet. He said that I´m working on it and making progress in my personality, self, confidence and so on. He is dating, instead of it. My ex H didn´t work on those emotions, he did not finish our relashionship inside him. It´ll be there and somehow it will came to the surface one day or everyday. How can someone know a woman and bring her home in just two weeks ???? Ex H is not a dumb, he´s an executive etc etc... And how about her ??? A woman on her 26 leaving everything and SHE DOES NOT KNOW HIM for God´s sake and move in to his house ... Urgh !!!! (she is poor and he´s looking for a job for her)<BR>It´s so beautiful to build intimacy in a relashionship, spet by step, like go out, hold hands, kiss and so on... until one day you decide that this person is the one and commit to him/her. They jump straight to the tough part of a relashionship, the day by day one.<BR>How do you thing I should carry my relashion with him ? I totally cut all communication, is it right ?<BR>Thanks again,<P>Luv, Claudia

Don't cut off all communication at this point.<P>Do Plan A. You must NOT get him pissed off at you for any reason. Don't argue with him or give him a reason to be mad. Don't make excuses.<P>Very difficult to do but very essential. Show him you can still be civil & loving towards him even though he is living with someone else.<P>If ya' gotta vent, do it here, not to him!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Claudia,<P>If you feel the marriage is not over, then don't date, it will make things complicated. Its ok to be alone. It doesn't make you a bad person. When you are happy being alone, you will be able to be happy with someone else or make someone else happy.<P>It takes us all a different amount of time and we all have a different amount of strength. I think it also depends on the type of marriage you had. <P>Those of us in an abusive marriage, seem to find it easier to get out there and live again, while those who had a really good marriage, hang on a while longer to the hope that this will work itself out.<P>I would say if you really want to save the marriage, still Plan A and try to be strong. Learn to love yourself again and learn to take care of yourself . You don't want to be with someone because you NEED them but because you WANT to be with them.<P>Prayers, Dana<BR>

My problems seem small after reading some of these stories. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I don't want to date again any time soon. I just do not want to get involved again. It doesn't just affect me, it affects my children also. My H just cut off his feelings. 48 hours ago he was holding me and telling me how much he loved me and now I am sitting here with nothing. He took all of our money and ran. Now he hates me and that's that. It is over.