I'm a 50-year old professional, reasonable woman who's been married and divorced twice. And yes, I lived with both of my husbands prior to marrying them so I can attest to Dr. Hartley's devastating statistics on "living together before marriage." I've been divorced from my second husband for five years, and spent the first 3 years of this solitude working through my grief with "another marriage failure," and coming to terms with why I set myself up for failure in the first place. Over the last two years, I started dating again. I casually dated two men whom I met over the internet (and, by the way, they weren't serial killers J), but nothing ever happened from those encounters, which is okay with me because it just wasn't mean't to happen. But last September I met a 48-year old computer programmer on the internet who shared many of the same interests as me; and he was literate, articulate, financially stable. After a month of sharing emails and a few phone calls, we decided to personally meet each other on a picnic at a public park between his town and my town (he lives an hour from me). The chemistry was overwhelming and we hit it off very well, so we started dating and spending every weekend together, trading off between his home and mine. The first five months were absolutely wonderful, but over the last three months, our relationship has begun to fall apart. We started seeing each other less (either a Friday or Saturday night instead of our normal Friday evening through Monday mornings), mostly because he had his 4000 square foot home up for sale and had chores to do around his home. Quite frankly, he wasn't comfortable having my large dog accompany me during our visits (although it was okay before) because she might mess on his carpets (albeit she's housebroken). Well, it was okay for awhile because I had many Spring chores to do in my yard as well. But what bothered me most is that his little dog isn't totally housebroken and he didn't seem to have a problem with that. When I confronted him on this issue, he said that Phoebe (my dog) sheds and leaves big poops on his lawn (which I always picked up when I was there). This hurt me a lot, but he tried to make it up to my home as often as he could (which wasn't as often as before). I also noticed that he "popped" Phoebe on the head a couple of times when he didn't like something she did. That didn't set well with me because she's very well trained (obedience school and all), and responds to verbal commands, not hitting. I don't believe in hitting any living things, because I believe there are more effective ways to discipline animals and children where we all win without the need for violence. Anyway, to make a long story short, this is one "red flag" for me. Another incident that happened two months ago is that he agreed to meet me on a Saturday afternoon for a BBQ at my brother's home but he never showed up. When I returned home for the evening I found a message on my phone recorder that said simply, "Hi Susanne, something has come up and I can't make it tonight, but I'll call you tomorrow." That really hurt because, (1) on Friday evening we talked and he seemed excited about meeting me on Saturday, and (2) he had my brother's telephone number and didn't call me directly. This really hurt me, more than you can imagine because I really loved this guy. The next day I got an email from him that simply said "I really screwed things up and I don't know what to say." When I phoned him about this Saturday mishap, he would not tell me what came up. He still won't tell me what came up, and this has caused me to mistrust him. This is another "red flag," I think. Other things have come up since then as well. The odd thing is that when we're together, he seems to really be "in love" with me and tells me so, but now I'm not sure I love him anymore. This is the cause of all my distress. I'm just not sure if I'm over-reacting or if these are truly "red flags" of what's in store if I marry him. I don't want to "beat a dead horse" here, but I'm emotionally confused and have retreated to "just a friendship" with him. I'm feeling very sad about this because we had talked about marriage. Both of his wives left him, so this would be his third marriage as well. Both of his wives left him, so I'm feeling like I need to rethink everything, but would like to maintain our friendship; after all, we put a lot of effort into our relationship and can learn from it. Unfortunately, his secretiveness has caused me much emotional stress and I don't feel like I can recover my love for him. How do I know if I'm over-reacting or if these are truly "red flags" steering me away from a marriage commitment to this man?<P>Dazed and confused<P>

Hi,<BR>I had alot of the same questions as you when I dated after my divorce. The man I dated briefly (less than two months) also sent up major "red flags". He couldn't even tell me the truth about what he had for dinner, was constantly late, and seemed to have an excuse for everything. He too said he "cared". At this point, I don't even want him as a friend, because my friends "care" enough to be honest with me. Not only that, your friend sounds like a hypocrite (like the dog thing). Maybe he doesn't have enough guts to tell you that things aren't working out for him, so he's going to make up a bunch of excuses. It is totally the coward's way out. Words are cheap. I don't see how his actions shows you that he cares. <P>If this guy you are seeing cannot be honest about the little things, can you imagine how hard it will be for him to be honest about the BIG things? Pass this one by. He sounds like trouble to me.

Thanks. It's really hard for me to say "goodbye" to someone that I really care about. I think that's why I'm so confused about my feelings right now. I just don't think he cares enough either. I certainly wouldn't do any of those things to him. So, I appreciate your comment very much. I'm just looking for encouragement and your reply gave me some. <P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TheStudent:<BR><B>Hi,<BR>I had alot of the same questions as you when I dated after my divorce. The man I dated briefly (less than two months) also sent up major "red flags". He couldn't even tell me the truth about what he had for dinner, was constantly late, and seemed to have an excuse for everything. He too said he "cared". At this point, I don't even want him as a friend, because my friends "care" enough to be honest with me. Not only that, your friend sounds like a hypocrite (like the dog thing). Maybe he doesn't have enough guts to tell you that things aren't working out for him, so he's going to make up a bunch of excuses. It is totally the coward's way out. Words are cheap. I don't see how his actions shows you that he cares. <P>If this guy you are seeing cannot be honest about the little things, can you imagine how hard it will be for him to be honest about the BIG things? Pass this one by. He sounds like trouble to me.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I don't think you are overreacting. I think this is the normal thing that happens in all relationships when the dust starts to fall out of our eyes and we begin to see people as they really are. Does this mean he's a bad guy and not worth pursuing? I wouldn't go that far yet, but I think it's worth looking into more carefully.<P>He probably *is* just like he is now. He's probably settling into a comfortable routine where he feels he can be himself and take some things for granted. <P>But give it a chance. Tell him how you feel and how you see things. How you resolve conflict says a lot about who you are and who you are together. Think of it as a test.

earthspell,<P>don't look at the relationship as another opportunity for marriage. Just look at the guy and decide if he can be a good friend.<P>Decide what a good friend is for you, and ask yourself if he fits the criteria. <P>But remember, there will always be differences. You will NEVER find someone EXACTLY like you. However, always keep looking for other opportunities, and I think after 3-6 months, you should be able to decide if he fits the good friend description.<P>If he fits the good friend description, then another 6 months to see if he fits the good companion criteria.<P>Then, unless you are looking for a father for kids, just be monogamous with him. No sense in rushing into another legal relationship, and you can keep your independence, and be as close to him as you wnat.<P>Just don't pressure yourself, relax and enjoy the company and the moment.<P>thl

Thank you both for your good thoughts and advice. I am recovering from surgery for a broken ankle that I managed hiking at my Family Reunion in Maui about 4 weeks ago and since I am homebound (boring when you live alone and have a lot of time to figure out my emotional needs and why this relationship isn't working for me. So, I will continue to wage the battle, and I THANK YOU for your support!<BR>Earth

Well, I don't know if you necessarily need to say goodbye, but lets just sum up a few things you mentioned:<P>a) He "popped" your dog. Any person who hit my dogs would not be trusted around them. I would talk to him and tell him that he is not to hit, pop, spank, or physically discipline my dog under any circumstances. I have two dogs and I totally agree with you about proper forms of discipline.<P>b) About not showing up at the BBQ. I'm guessing this may not be the first time he did something like this? Otherwise it wouldn't stand out so much. What worries me more is the next part....<P>c) he won't tell you what "came up". So, the obvious assumption is that he is lying.<P>I don't think he is a "bad guy", just unreliable. This is something you could maybe tolerate with a casual friend, but not someone to make a commitment with. Part of the reason some of us are divorced here is that we didn't pay attention to the "red flags". Trust your instincts. If he cannot answer your questions to your satisfaction, then you are right to take a step back. <P>I think some people deal with their fears by rationalizing. Me, I think my fears came about through experience, and not something I take lightly. If you put your hand on a hot stove, it is pretty understandable to be afraid to put it on there again. So, what you need then is someone to show you how to use the stove. In other words, if he is worth your time, he will understand your fears and take measures to reassure you. It is part of building trust. <P>All you need to do is make sure you share your feelings and fears with him, which it sounds like you have done. If he can't or won't reciprocate, then that is the area you won't be able to trust him with. You don't need to rationalize or make excuses for him. You either trust him, or you don't. It is pretty simple.

WOW! Thank you for your perspective (especially about the dog issue). It's reassuring to me to know that I'm not alone with my methods of canine discipline; which work VERY well with Phoebe. She's a wonderful companion who's worth the dignity and respect we all deserve! Need I say more )).<P>Concerning my boyfriend and his secretiveness, I will approach him again if I get a chance, and I will stay confident in telling him that I can't date someone who lies to me or can't explain why he does some of the things he does which hurt me. I know that I would do whatever it takes to keep my boyfriend from emotional hurt that I may have caused (and I have!). He hasn't had any contact with me since last week when I told him I needed a retreat from "us" to sort out my feelings. I hope I do, but if I don't, I guess it was just not mean't to be. I can live with that. I've learned a LOT from this experience.<P>Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.<P>Earth

Hi,<P>Lots of great replies here. Just putting in my two cents, if you still want it <P>I sometimes jump to conclusions on silly things. OK your things are NOT silly. <P>However, I agree with Popeye, this might just be how he is. <P>DOn't run, back off. Take time for you and what makes you happy. If you have been married twice, you know that, all relationship lose that special luster in the beginning and now its time to get into the tougher part. <P>Now your really getting to know him. Let him know what makes you happy and what doesn't. If he's willing to work on this, don't just walk away.<P>Be strong. But think things through, don't just leave.<BR>Dana<P>