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Joined: Feb 2000
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db713 Offline OP
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I have been divorced 3 yrs. EX and I seem to argue more now than when going through divorce. We have 4 children with the youngest age 17, who lives with me. I started out very angry and did all the wrong things because ex left for OW, who he is still left. He gave conflicting messages for long time. I did write him a lot of letters but was ever asked not to , so I kept it up. Some were angry and others tried to explain my part in the failure of our marriage. I tried to do plan a, but didn't get anywhere and ex became engaged to OW. We have had many recent arguments and I asked him to go to a couple of counseling sessions so we could get a t the root of our anger and learn how to communicate better. He saaid the root of our problem was my continued desire to reconcile and it simply was not going to happen. I then proceeded into plan b and sent the letter. It has been 3 weeks and I have heard nothing , I can only assume he is relieved there is no further communication from me and he can go on with his happy life. Just out of curiosity, has anyone out there been divorced for OW, and then reconciled? I know chances are only about 10% but has anyone here actually beaten the odds? I am not going to truly give up in my heart until he actually marries the OW.

Joined: May 1999
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Your desire to reconcile undoubtedly makes the OW feel threatened, and when she feels that way, she probably gives your ex a hard time. After all, he has told you that she doesn't want him talking to you - the mother of his kids! So I doubt if your wanting to reconcile in itself is the source of conflict - I think it is more likely that he thinks if you did not, the OW would get off his back.

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I can't answer the part about the reconciliation, but can I give you some insight into my situation?<P>I was in a position like you. I wanted to have answers, explain my point of view, and get to the root of things and my H was not cooperating. I did an attempt at Plan A, then went to Plan B. Plan B seemed to push them together. <P>I've since let go of all my anger and worked through the humiliation and hurt and reframed it in ways that aren't so damaging to my ego, so we are back to Plan A. We can talk civilly and even laugh and things together. He is still living with the OW, but he calls me more and more often. He is looking to me for advice on things he used to talk to her about. He calls and stops by just because. And we are even talking calmly and objectively about the issues in our marriage.<P>Am I saying we will reconcile? I don't really know, but things sure are a lot better.<P>I think this happened because of two things. First, I got out of his way so that the true nature of what he had could be seen. Second, I allowed him a peaceful space to return to so that he could see what he was leaving. <P>No matter how my drama ends up, I can go forward with the knowledge that I did all I could and I am not hanging on to any of that destructive anger. I hope you can find that place too.


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