Hi all, <BR>I don't post much so hardly anyone would know my story. But it is similar to many others. I'll take the blame for putting my H in a position that he went to someone else. But I refuse to take the blame for his choices in life. He has never admitted to me that he has even had an affair even after I had proof. I did all the wrong things at the beginning, because I didn't know how else to react to this nightmare. When I found this place and tried to do the right things, it had no effect. I refused to give him a divorce so we ended up in court. The judge believed my H's twisted version of the truth and granted him the divorce. The proof I had of his affair was useless in court. I couldn't use it, since it was obtained illegally. I wasn't about to risk being charged with a class e felony and have a criminal record on my file when I'll be out there looking for a new job in the near future. They aren't allowed to ask your age, but they can ask if you have ever been convicted of anything. Going by my H's past behavior, I knew he wouldn't hesitate to get me in trouble if given the opportunity. I am not looking for sympathy, but I just wanted to tell you all that you can never predict what these judges might do. I am more angry at the judge now (at least for the time being), than I am at my H. My H puts me though H**L with all of his lies, deceit and nasty behavior and now the judge agrees with him that I am the monster and it's all my fault!!! From the onset my lawyer advised me to countersue for divorce. I refused to do that. I kept praying that my H would come out of the fog. Well my H is still in the fog and probably out celebrating his victory. But I think I am out of my fog. This is not the man that I married, for I would have never married a man such as this. I would rather be alone the rest of my life than continue with this man the way he is. But what i'm wondering is what will my H and the OW spend their time talking about. I think they have been spending all their time figuring out how to get rid of me. This OW is a first class slimebag. We never had any children, so I don't have to worry about any influence from her in that respect. I'm still very hurt and I'm still very angry. But I think I'm better. After the judges decision was made my H decided not to come home at night. He used to come home eventually just for appearance's sake. I guess it doesn't matter now. He can have his divorce so he doesn't have to pretend there is no OW. But him being gone hasn't made me cry once. The only time I've cried is when I think how people have told me that I cannot judge myself by what others think of me. I must live for myself and do what i think is right. I cannot go by what the judge says. He's wrong and my H is a liar. So here I am getting divorced, totally against my will. I have the option to appeal the decision, but I won't do that. I'm tired of fighting a losing battle. So many people have told me for months to cut my losses and move on. I told them that I didn't want to. I told them that I loved my H and wanted to work things out. I was not ready to end this, but the decision was snatched right out of my hands. So now I have to end it in my own mind. If I don't I will end up at the local state hospital in the you know what ward. I couldn't save this marriage by myself and I got no help from my H. If I go on living the way have been, I'll be a basket case. The last nine months have been a living H**l. I want to thank everyone for sharing their stories. It was a help knowing there were so many others out there. It made me realize that I wasn't going crazy and this was my H's actions that were wrong. Somewhere deep inside of him I think he knows what he's done. I think he might admit someday, but not for a long, long time. And I can't wait around for that day or I will die inside of me. And I am not to do that yet. There are too many things that I have yet to do. My life cannot be defined by his actions. I'm sorry for rambling, but I think I finally see a little light at the end of the tunnel. It's very faint now and it's going to take me a long time to make it, but I will. nancy

I know how much you're hurting. It isn't fair, not at all. You've done all you can, even more than what many others would've done. Go ahead and cry. It helps. It's all a part of letting go. Don't try to ignore your feelings. They're only natural, and recognizing them will help in healing.<P>You have a wonderful life ahead of you. Look to the future. Not the next few days, not even next month, but farther. You will be happy again. It won't happen suddenly, but a little bit at a time. In fact, you won't even notice, at first. But after awhile, you'll realize that the sadness has ebbed. The lonliness is being replaced by the freedome to be the person that you truly are. Good, kind, and giving. Someone, someday, will recognize the truth. Until then, take very good care of yourself. Grieve for what you've lost, but look forward to what you'll have, when the sorrow has ebbed.<P>You'er growing. You're getting stronger. Have faith in yourself. Like many of us, this isn't the road you would've chosen, but you weren't given a choice. But you can turn things around for yourself. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And a glass of that sounds wonderful, right now!<P>I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers as I try to get some sleep. Again.<P>2sad

Keep your eye on that goal. Yes, you will make it. But while you are on that path, take some time for yourself. Give yourself permission to cry, be angry, and live all those hurt emotions. If you don't let them out, they will eat you alive. See if you can't start each day with a loving wish for yourself and your husband. I know he doesn't deserve it, but it will help to melt your anger away.

HI Nancy,<BR> I understand you're pain. Things happen sometimes that we can't understand. But God has promised us that we won't have to deal with more than we can handle.<BR> Yes, I know you think he (God) has the wrong address at the monment. But, this isn't over by a long shot in my opinion.<BR> Just keep being the great person that your H KNOWS you are, the one he married and he WILL wake out of the fog.<BR> He IS NOT the man you married right now. His boat is driven by the "Bad" force of life, ie.. the devil, satan, WHATEVER you want to call it. THAT's why you don't know him right now.<BR> That WILL change. I promise, you'll see!! GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK