I'm don't qualify for any govt programs, even reduced price health insurance, because they include the income of all family members, and in the summer three of my kids work. Even my 14 year old is working part-time. If the two who are in college don't work, they can't afford to go to college. If they do work, I don't have enough money to pay the mortgage (which is less than rent would be) and food, much less anything else. It is a catch-22. Maybe I will qualify for some programs in the fall after they quit working, but I don't have enough money to live on now.

Nellie,<P>You have done everything you can to "tighen your belt." Your husband has not.<P>I am irked beyond speech by these wayward spouses, who think they can just walk away. Do not blame the government for your financial woes - blame your husband.<P>So he is on unemployment now. What gives him the luxury to say "I've been laid off, I will wait til I find a job in my field, and collect unemployment. I'll take care of my needs first, and whatever is left over, I'll give to my kids." We are not lions, who feed the male first, and let the offspring die in hard times. His first responsibility is to his children, not to himself.<P>I remember too well the stories of all the awful jobs my grandfather took during the depression to take care of his family. We should expect no less from the men today.<P>Let his honey support him - if he thinks it is beneath him to get a couple low level jobs til something in his field opens up, he should be giving every penny of unemployment compensation to you for the kids.<P>Sounds to me like your attorney is not protecting your's and the children's interests as best he/she should. <P>Do not feel guilty about going for the jugular here. Don't feel sorry for your ex, protect your kids. You certainly wouldn't tell your kids, "sorry there was only enough food for me for dinner." Don't let him get away with being a selfish... something or other.<P>I'm sorry if I sound so harsh about him, but in my support group, there was a stay at home mom with 3 kids, who was going through the same type thing - she was such a sweet girl, who lost everything and had to go on welfare because she was afraid to go after her selfish husband for money - she kept harboring hope that he would come back and it might make him mad. Still burns me up just thinking about how he manipulated her and hurt his children.

When I went through my first divorce, times were tough for at least 5 years. I couldn't afford anything more than cheap food, use to try and pay my utilities - just before the utility guy came out to shut them off, and we wore used clothes. I got behind on my house payment a few times, as well.<P>What used to make me even madder - was that H and OW bought a brand new 5 bedroom house, put in a built in swimming pool, drove new cars, and bought wonderful expensive toys and clothes for my kids but wouldn't allow them to take their things home. They were "punishing" the kids for living with me, and most of the time was 6-7 months behind in the child support.<P>My kids weren't old enough to work, so it was all up to me.<P>They used to have a cap of 25% of the net income for child support, whether it was 1 kid or 15. Except if you end up with split custody, and that will penalize the single mom even more.... I ended up with $96 a month child support for my daughter. H made $60,000 a year and I made $13,000. He had the 2 boys after filing a custody suite on me. It cost me $20,000 - that I didn't have. The court did what the kids wanted. After he got custody, he sent the youngest boy back to live with me, on the condition that he didn't have to pay child support. I was so broke at that time that I couldn't afford to see straight - much less incur legal costs. Emotionally drained as well from all the abuse, roller coaster, OW, and custody case. I am amazed I am a whole person still! Through the grace of God.<P>What I should have done was when we split up, was to move to my parents and stash the equity I received out of our house in a CD or stocks/mutual, and gone back to school. But my parents lived 8 hours north of me - and X put a condition on me through court that I couldn't leave the 7 southern counties. <P>It was just a hellish time, that I do not want to repeat EVER. I so much feel for your situation, because I remember too well the pain of that time in my life. The scars are still there for me, but I'm surviving.<P>I wish I knew what was available for any kind of assistance in your area. The legislatures have no clue how hard it is. I don't think we have any legislatures that come from a low income single mom standpoint. I don't think there is equal representation there. Usually they are male, and on the other end of the table. These are the guys that make the laws, and decide how tax dollars are spent, who qualifies for certain programs, etc. It isn't right. Something should be done about this. As well as the judges that make decisions that affects families so negatively.<P>TNT

TNT, WOW . It amazes me how much we single mothers must endure. I am falling into a mess right now, but I am hanging in there as much as I can. I also agree , there should be more to help people like Nellie and the rest of us in these predicaments.<P>My ex quit his job to take one that pays half under the table, thus cutting my child support right down. It was obvious and all, but what the problem is, if you don't have A LOT of money for the attorney's to fight, or your court system is jammed up, you just slide right through. <P>Its sad to see the after effects of the affair, after some of us suffered so much already. <P>Sending prayers to you Nellie.<BR>Dana<BR>

Boy oh boy. <P>TNT, you are one of the financial horror stories. <P>I don't know if the "rules" have changed alot, if laws are so dramatically different state to state, but my ex is paying close to 1/2 of his take home pay to me for support. If he had access to more income (marries again) he would pay me more of his salary - that is taken into consideration here. He didn't like it, but has no choice. To his credit, he has never fallen behind in the payments. He got a second job to get some extra money. He tried to make me feel guilty about that, it almost worked, but heck, what else does he have to do in the evening? He has no one to take care of but himself, and it has become a place for him to meet trashy young girls. He enjoys it - its good for his social life, and it makes the payments for a new car. <P>I have budgeted, don't waste a penny, and drive a 12 year old car, but was able to keep the house so the kids got to stay in their home, and they don't even notice the decline in food, clothes, etc. Decide when they are a little older whether to stay, or move to a townhouse, to make it easier for me. Or who knows, maybe I will remarry and the ex will owe less.<P>I see how lucky I am, when I read stories like these - but I also credit my attorney. Not a bloodthirsty one, but efficient and no nonsense.<P>At least here in Maryland, the laws are there to protect the custodial parent - but it doesn't do any good if you don't have an attorney wbo really works for you. I saw too many women in my support group with condescending lawyers who did minimal effort, to get the quickest settlement possible, with highest profit margin.<BR> <BR>But on a bright note, a pleasant financial suprise for me, was the first time I filed single head of household. That is a break they do give to the single mother. I know, small consolation.<P><BR> <BR>

honey.west,<P>It's not just the lawyer - the court basically says how much he has to pay in child support. The only way they would make him pay more would be if he were not looking for a job, and I don't doubt that he is trying to find a job in his field. But even if he were to give me 100% of what he is getting in unemployment, it wouldn't be enough to support the kids-I was shocked when I discovered what a tiny percentage of the average income in this area the maximum unemployment is. <P>It's not like working full-time would help me any - I would have to pay tons of money in daycare (perhaps $1000 a month). I think that the courts should make unemployed noncustodial parents become stay at home parents if they are unemployed, so at least the custodial parent wouldn't go broke from daycare costs. <P>TNT,<P>That is a horrible story. I can't say that they are buying our kids expensive toys - they have little to play with over there, and he expects them to bring stuff to play with. <P>Dana,<P>Can you prove that he is getting paid under the table?

Now, there must be some way to get you some help.<P>What state are you in? I have done a fair amount of research on welfare policies and may be able to help you some. If you would like, email me at bmstern@hotmail.com and fill in some details and I'll see what I can dig up.<P>Good Luck<P>Brian

Nellie1,<P>Is there anything kind of work you or your kids can do "under the table"? Mowing lawns, sewing, house cleaning, babysitting, pet care? Anything you can do for cash, basically. Is there any way you could barter with your neighbors for services? <P>Another idea. Figure out what you recieve in terms of tax-deductions for your children in college. If it is less than what you give them, consider taking them off (if they are over 18). They will be much more eligible for financial support (i.e. scholarships and student loans) if they don't have to claim their parents income. I'm sure your kids have applied for student loans or have scholarships. Encourage them to apply for every little scholarship, and there are lots. Every January, I'd send out about 15 applications. Now is the time to start looking for them. Inevitably, I'd get at least one or two totalling $500-$1000 a piece. <P>Can you take in renters when your kids are in college? There are probably one or two rooms you can rent for a few hundred dollars a month, maybe more.

TheStudent,<P>Unfortunately, it is very difficult to prove that you are an independent student when you are under 24 - among other things, you have to not have lived at home for a period of time. There is no way I could claim that the younger one is an independent student, when she is still 17. One of them is getting a lot of scholarships. The college the other one attends is basing her financial aid on the income her father earned last year, and refuses to re-examine it until next semester. <P>I don't have enough bedrooms to rent any out, since even when the older ones are in college, I still have 4 at home. It is very crowded here when everyone is home. <P>I was just reading in the paper how so many families in this state spend more than 50% of their income on housing. Right now I am spending over 60% of my income, including child support, on the mortgage - and the average cost of rental housing is several hundred dollars more.<P>

california, right? my H had better keep his current job (he's had 8 in three years, god knows what's next...). housing is a NIGHTMARE expense here. im looking at small apartments in the sf bay area, nothing under $1500 a month.<BR>check out my signature, and email me if you have any questions (i don't want to say anymore, lest i get kicked off mb ), the few extra bucks a month are nice.<BR>oh, and what is up with your H? why can't he get a job????? heavens to betsy....<BR>sigh<P>------------------<BR><A HREF="http://www.go.to/wcu" TARGET=_blank>loveWASblind</A>

LWB,<P>Actually I live on the opposite coast, but the prices are just as bad.<P>I think he is having trouble finding a job because he is 50 years old and has many years of experience, and a lot of employers don't want to hire someone at a lot less than they used to earn, for fear they will leave soon. I'm sure he could get a job at Wal-Mart, but unemployment is better than that.