How does one separate the importance on meeting your mates needs while sacrificing your own needs???<P>

There needs to be balance in all things. Sacrificing yourself will always cost you way too much than you gain, yet if you don't give of yourself, you can't expect anything lasting in return. <P>What exactly do you feel is too much to give? What do you think you are losing?

I sacrificed my needs for many years and tried to meet his. In the end, you wind up resenting your spouse and feeling neglected.<P>There must be an equal balance with the needs. Sure sometimes one of you may be down and the other can pull you back up. One may feel more giving than the other at times, but overall, it should be equally balanced, or there will be a problem.<P>According to the Harley's theory, as far as I know, anytime a need goes unmet, it opens the possibility of an affair. <P>Of course, I learned all this AFTER my marriage was over, but its never to late to learn!<P>Dana<BR>

LONG STORY....but in a nutshell..husband feels I should give up friends because they have been or are divorced.....thus a bad influence on me.....

I think it is a combination of things...and no communication just makes it worse...<P>For many of us, we were in marriages where possibily some of our needs were not met. We may have verbalized this, perhaps with LB, or not, but the point here is that some of our spouses also felt their needs were not met. They may have also verbalized it, but somewhere the communication was just not there. <P>Then someone stepped out of the marriage..it woke the other one up, and that is what brought many of us to this site. At that point, Plan A is meant to make the marriage a safe place, where the needs can be met..often this is just one person in the marriage doing this.. it takes a deep commitment, a period of time, and a lot of pride swallowing. <P>Once the other person begins to realize they want the marraige as well, that is where the work truly begins. You must then both meet each others needs, otherwise you will be right back to where you were before...<P>Long, but I hope I have explained my take on this. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

I completely agree with Sue. When one spouse leaves, it "wakes the other up." Then you notice all the things you weren't doing to meet your spouse's needs. The only person's behavior you can change is yours. You can't make him meet your needs, but you can make him WANT to.

Gsd,<P>That is what I believe is so good about the Harley method of restoring the marriage, esp after an affair. What is so diificult is when you have been betrayed, it is diiifcult(at least it was for me) to take that total leap of faith, Plan A to death, and hope wayward spouse comes around. <P>I gave it my best shot, and the first time around, I think it worked.....for a while...but neither of us continued...we slipped back into old ways. <BR>I felt unsupported when I wanted to continue counseling and he didn't..then I started questioning my marraige for myself as well. I was never grossly unhappy in the marriage, but would have liked things to be different. He went right back to his affair. I tried for about 4 more months, but finally came to the point I could no longer. <BR>Once I knew about the affair, I was terribly unhappy. It went on for two years before I had enough. We divorced, he went right to her, but I now believe it is over. If it is, I have to say I feel a certain amount of "told ya so", but I DO NOT want him back. I can never trust or love him again. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Susan

thanks for the responses.....sue you have a lot of wisdom in your posts...<P>unfortunately I was the one who had the affair.....not the best move on my part....in fact it was the worst thing I could have done...I realize that now....too late I am afraid...<P>what I am really struggling with is how do I meet husbands needs without completely sacrificing my spirit in the meantime??<P>he expects me to do this.....the way he thinks it should be done.....I should not see or talk to this person because he thinks I should not.....he wants me to work here...or not work here because he thinks this is a good place and that is a bad place.....I should read this book or not read that one.....<P>I feel that as I do this or that that he wants me to do.....he slowly takes control of my life away from me....he tells me what I think.....and that it is all okay because the Bible tells him that he is the leader of the house....<P>I get so frustrated.....earlier this week I asked him to leave...to give me some time to think.....I really am so confused.....<P>the things I have done...the things he has done....I don't know how to move forward as a couple right now.....