Dear Friends, <BR>I need feedback from as many of you as possible from both side of the fence. I would like to know where everyone stands on this! <BR>Brief scenario. I discovered my wife's affair in Sept. 98. Until May 1999, only one very good friend, with no mutual acquaintences knew. When no resolution had been reached in May 1999, I told my best friend here locally, and also my wife's mother (I had hopes she could say something to help our marriage). It is now July, 2000.<BR>My wife just stopped seeing the first guy, I think, but she has a new significant other whom she says is "just a friend", but whom I am not allowed to talk to "because I'm out to 'trash' her reputation." Since June-99, more friends and family have become aware of our situation. Primarily from my emotional overload, but it has become obvious since she moved out 2+ months ago into an apartment. I first became suspicious after I received a phone call at my home from OM #1 who was surprised and irritated that I was there. I then confirmed and then tracked her continued indiscretion by periodically taping our house phone. <BR>My wife thinks and feels that my lack of trust and periodic taping of her phone calls and leaking information to friends, after almost 2 years of her infidelity, is just as bad as her infidelity and puts us on an even playing field as far as negotiating the terms of how to reconcile our marriage.<BR>Hence the question: <P>HOW BAD AM I FOR WHAT I HAVE DONE?<BR>

The guilty go on the attack, and try desperately to lessen their crime by placing blame on you.<P>Like a child on drugs who blames a parent for "invading their privacy" by searching their room. I knew of a woman who didn't know what to do about her 13 year old daughter having sex, because she felt guilty that she read about it in her diary. What the heck is going on here? <P>Don't feel bad about what you have done to discover the truth, but don't do anything to purposely hurt your wife.<P>You know the truth - your wife is not faithful and is lying about it. Now you have to decide what you are going to do about it.<BR>

I absolutley agree. When my H left, he was throwing a huge fit. I knew I had done nothing wrong. I was up taking care of the kids and cleaning the house and HE was the one still laying in the bed at noon. He got up freaked out because I had not gotten him a pack of cigarettes too. All of a sudden, everything was my fault and it eventually led to him packing his things and going crazy. I knew I had done nothing wrong. I still know I haven't done anything wrong. I have two phone lines. One for my computer and one for the house. I am switching those today. He left on the 12th and today is the 14th. Obviously you care about this woman. I wasnt having an affair and he still left me and his kids and obviously doesnt care. I wish he cared about us the way you cared for this woman. She just doesnt know what she has.

John,<P>You bet they attack!<P>My wife left 2 weeks ago for new OM she had known for 2 weeks! She was ugly enough about that, telling me how it was all my fault I drove her away because I was too controlling. (she is a recovering alcoholic, well she was recovering, I dont know now)<BR>After she left, I found several journals documenting both her fantasies and meetings over 7 years (our entire relationship) with an ex boyfriend. <BR>Our entire marriage has been one lie after another, and when I found these Journals, which confirmed all my thoughts in the past, SHE FREAKED OUT! Yelling at me that it was none of my business, and that I had invaded her privacy by reading those journals.<P>WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>Guilt............it is the guilt talking. <P>Ben

Here's a twist. Married 32 yr. Husband (53 y.o) left for 26 yr. old - younger than our sons. Of course it was my fault. I'm a nag. Supposedly we didn't have sex for 3 mo. at a time (I guess that's the lie he's feed sweet thang). We were doing it as regularly as we saw each other - about twice a week!BUT - they are living off the gov't, subsized housing, school loans, WIC, etc.... she has 2 little ones. . And when I reported them for FRAUD.... she twists the tale to something about drubs and getting fired.... and so he's threatening to sue me for SLANDERING HER GOOD NAME!!!!!!! He also threatened to "take me out" if I "continue this harrassment!" In addition - his MAIL comes to (our) HOUSE! He got FURIOUS and called me # times screaming at me for forwarding mail to HER address (of course putting my name & address as return address!) Life is topsy turvy that's true. What is wrong w/ this picture? My husband (was) a Christain - a wonderful, kind, generous, long-suffering man. Did I finally provide the straw that broke his back? Such a nag that he had to leave? Maybe - but adultery and continued adultery is his choice. GET THE BOOK LOVE MUST BE TOUGH BY JAMES DOBSON. IT WILL OPEN YOUR EYES ON BLAME AND FAULT>

It is funny that your wife is concerned about her virtue being compromised by the revelation to her family and friends that she is an adultress. Don't accept her accusation that you are now as guilty as her because you revealed her secret. This is Bull****. If she behaved as a decent woman her virtue would be intact. She made the choice to have affairs and has to accept complete responsiblity for the consequences. As for reconciling. Only you can make that decision to do so. However, I would give it careful thought whether someone with her history of affairs could change and become again a faithful wife.