Need opinions:<P>Background: W and I are estranged (fancy word for separated) and are negotiating child responsibilities through mediation.<P>First mediation went OK, after reflection, I want more time with kids, W says have to think about it. W tells mediator that she will be flexible, but flexibility is why we are probably divorcing. First mediation, W said no nights during school, but I got one night.<P>To recap, I have Thursday afterschool to Monday am first weeK, and Friday night second week. I have about 10 days straight with one night. Told W that was too long, especially for helping out with HW. W said she would think about it, but was not happy, and mediator liked my position, but W wants as much of them as possible.<P>OK, last week I offered a boat ride in Boston harbor for kids to see tall ships, so we traded a night.<P>W hangs out with cops, firefighters and emts as volunteer EMT. She is having at minimum an EA, if not a PA, at least with someone in that group. So she gets kids to enter school and police sponsored contest, and helps out so that they win a free night at a local semipro baseball game with the police. <P>Now, here comes the question. The night falls on my night, and d does not want to go alone, so she asks mom to go. Now 8yo d does not understand all this, and hates all this crap. So 8 yo does not want to go alone, and asks mom to go, or so she says. So i said "Good, I can go with the kids as it is my night!" Wife not happy. Wife then calls back and leaves a voice mail with a trembly voice says, "If you want flexibility from me, you must be flexible back. I was the one who organized and supported this game." Now she never asked directly if we can trade nights.<P>So I am sure she encouraged all this to go with kids to game with lots of friends, plus at least one special friend, though I am not sure. So now the enemy is going with the kids with all her friends.<P>So, do i switch and be a nice guy after being slimed with guilt, or do it make her understand that this situation she chose is of her own doing? She would hate to see me with the kids with all her police friends around.<P>you ask is the goal to reconcile? I am not certain, as this crap has happened all the time, and if I don't comply when I get slimed, she gets mad.<P>thanks, any and all opinions welcomed.<P>thl

Hmmm. <P>Two suggestions: If it is comfortable for you, could you all go? I know the kids would love it - <P>If she says no, you probably know it is a date. But then I would be the "big man" and let them go and switch nights.<P>The trembly voice for me is uncontrollable emotion. It could be either anger, or hurt... <P>

WIFTT:<BR>Tough one, but the way this is worked out wull set the tone for the future relationship you have with w in terms of visitation.<BR>W traded you. so can be flexible.......acknowledge this and do not do anything to "bust this" It will not work in your favour as NCP.<P>I know it is your night, but wife did organize this and d asked her to go.....<BR>This time I would say, trade the night BUT W has to take both kids together, or s is with you as a bonus time with you. Do not allow the "alone time" with one kid as part of agreement......it is not fair to the kids...while they do need alone time with you, you can work on this when they are with you.<P>Also let wife know that in future that if am arrangement comes up on your night where either parent can go with the children, then you should be the one to go....it should be a no brainer...i.e. you get right of first refusal! But make that into the next time.<BR>Since you are in the midst of mediation , let her take the kids......and let this work to your and the kids advantage for the future...oh and get another time, do not lose out on the time, or forfeit this time.<P>Hope this helps

double post...sorry<p>[This message has been edited by willbok99 (edited July 14, 2000).]

That was what I was thinking about after I hung up. I was thinking about both options, actually, but had not come to a conclusion on what to say.<P>Its not that I am not flexible. This weekend is the first weekend for my having the kids, and she had made a vacation arraingements without asking me, and it falls on this date. I of course was flexible that she could take the kids one day earlier that was mine. (Course now she doesn't remember that, until reminded.)<P>I just hate the slime, never a direct question, but the guilt and the slime afterwards if whatever happens is not what she wants. She never directly asks, but always complains.<P>But I like the suggestion about the coincidence, and letting her know about it.<P>thanks,<P>thl<BR><p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited July 14, 2000).]

Again, what ever is best for the kids. It is in their best interest for you to be flexible.<P>I guess I have been lucky in that my x only takes the kids on her set nites and makes no special plans outside of that.<P>I do see some trouble on the horizon though. My d's 13 birthday is later this month and it looks like we are doing separate things for her. My d wants to go to Cedar Point(large amusement park) but she wanst to take 5 friends. X asked if I was taking her and I aid yes.I asked x about paying half and she said she couldn't afford it and asked if I could. I said not really. So now it doesn't look like she'll do anything as she had her mind set on doing this. X had offered a party but d wanted 50 people and I guess x said no. So at this point I don't know where we stand.<P>Also x asked if she could have the kids the next 2 weekends as she is off. I said okay, but remembered that d was invited to church youth group camping trip. D wants me to go too. I haven't spoken to x about this. So it may get interesting if I try to backtrack.<P>Remember, me too, keep the kids first.<P>Bob