How do you know when to try and when to let it go? It has been 2 days and he hasn't even tried to call. When should I say "welp, enough is enough, I am moving on!" How do you know? If I move on with my life and 6 months down the road, he decides he wants to work things out, I don't know if I can or not. For as long as he stays away and I take care of all of the bills and everything. I am going to resent him for making me deal with OUR issues. How long is long enough. Better hurry, I am about to sell the rest of his things at a yard sale.

LonelyInTexas,<P>My name used to be lonelymom. I am not sure that I have replied to you yet. I think you may have replied on one of my posts recently.<P>I wish I could give you the magic answer. Unfortunately there is none.<P>I can tell you that I could have wrote your post myself just 6 months ago. I know how you feel truly.<P>Part of you wants to move on. Walk away. Get on with life. The other part wants to hang on tight. <P>In the mean time, if you walk away, you fear what will happen IF he comes back in 6 months. Yet if you hang on to tight, you fear you'll push him away.<P>Are you a Virgo by any chance? <P>Anyway, my only advice to you is get out there and live FOR YOU. TO he!! with him right now. Put yourself first. <P>When is the last time you did something for YOU? How about simple things, like take a long hot bubble bath, paint your nails, read a good romance book, talk to your best friend. <P>Make a list. Write down ALL the things you always wanted to do but haven't yet. This can be little things like go to a play, or big things like going out of town for a few days. Start doing these things FOR YOU.<P>Make another list. Of all the things he has done to you that were less then acceptable. Add to that list as you think of things. Sometimes time apart will show you that this could be a good thing.<P>I am ALL FOR saving a marriage. If you want the marriage, Plan A and still do things for you. <P>But above all, WHAT DO YOU WANT? ANd if you don't know, take it one day at a time. <P>As far as selling his stuff...We could post an auction up on the board. Just like Ebay. <P>Hang in there. You'll know when to let go when its right for YOU. Unfortunately , its all about time.<P>Prayers, Dana<BR>

Dana, <BR> What you said brought tears to my eyes. That I am actually accepted. I am not a bad person. AND YES I am a virgo. You are absolutely right. I am a professional and I have so many things ahead of me. What an idiot I must sound like brewing over stbx. To be honest, he is on a down hill slide. I thought his family was downing me and they are trying to push him back. I think you are right. I think I may go back to college and study another field. Maybe business management and computer programming. I think college is a great place for me to go back to. AND my mother is supporting me. She said she would care for my children while I am in class. It is time that I get my career back. I am not starting out with nothing. I actually have something to work for. Thanks for raising my chin. You will probably have to do it again tomorrow. lol I am all for myself and my children now.

2 days of not calling is not a long time. If you get to Plan B, it's going to be a lot longer than that. I say take a deep breath, relax, and settle in for a long process.<P>I know people say this all the time, but it takes time to sort all of this out. It may be that you have to do this alone, but looks can be deceiving. It may feel like you are not getting anywhere, but he doesn't communicate all his thoughts to you, so wait until you have something concrete before you go throwing his clothes out. <P>Recognize that even if he says he is going to do something, tomorrow he may say (and mean) something different. You can't control that. All you can do is set your own goals, give it your own time limit, and commit to that. But be flexible. If something comes up that throws a monkey wrench in everything, consider that. Make changes based on the new information. Take the control away from him, by deciding what you will do, when, and how. You will feel so much better when "stuff" happens if you feel in control of what to do next.

Good idea. It just isn't fair for my parents to have to pay for everything because he drained the accounts.<P> I have bills due now and he ran off and left them all to me. AND he drained the accounts. After I pick myself up and take care of everything myself, I won't want him to come back after the finances have been taken care of. <P> I think I should just cut my losses and change my phone number. That way I won't be WAITING on that call. I really don't think it is really worth saving anyway. He had a drug problem that I really don't think will change. <P> He has had it for 16 years and it has only progressively gotten worse. Hasta la vista to him. Thanks for all of your support. He LEFT, I did not make him leave. I told him before he left that this was HIS decision and that I didn't want to see him go. He is the one who left anyway. <P> So, he knew where I stood when he left. I am not waiting around like an idiot.

lonely,<P>I came to MB 6 1/2 months ago. Me and Dana arrived at about the same time. And she's right. Your posts sound exactly like mine too. <P>My stbx also has a drug problem, along with an alcohol problem and was physically abusive. It took me 3 months before I decided that I didn't want him to come home. And in those 3 months, he was mean to me, ignored our sons, and stopped giving me money to help with bills. <P>I finally filed for divorce and had him ordered to pay child support. Our divorce isn't final yet but I'm hoping it will be soon. I don't want to legally be his wife any longer. He's the one who is stalling now. But I would never let him come home. There's been to much pain for that to ever happen. I no longer love him. And it took spending time here and finding out what a good marriage could be that made me realize that I didn't have one. <P>For now, it will be hard to get out of the house and do things. You just want to hide and wish it all away. But it does get easier. I promise that. And you'll have good days and bad days. I can honestly say, the bad days stopped for me after about 4 1/2 months. But for others it takes longer. <P>Do things for you. Focus on you and your kids. Stay here too! You'll be fine!<P>(((((HUGS)))))<BR>Mitzi <BR>

I have been spending the day cleaning out his things. He didn't come into the marriage with too many things anyway. They are just spread all over the house.<P>I don't want to come across anything of his 6 months from now and remember anything.<P>I will be nice and store his things in an insignificant place in the house. <P>It isn't fair for his kids to see his things still here. It would remind them that Daddy hasn't come home yet.<P>They seem to be doing fine. They don't ask about him. My son does say that he doesn't want Dad to come home.<P>His family won't come get his things and he won't either because he doesn't have a place to put them.<P>He should have thought about that before he left. That was and should still be his own problem.<P>I can say that if he called RIGHT NOW that we could go through some negotiating to get back on track.<P>I am not being the bad guy here. I am being the responsible one. I can't just start dating. I have children and I don't want them to see men coming to our house.<P>He doesn't have that problem. HE can put on his best and go out and the kids would never know. This definately isn't fair on MOM here.<P>It also isn't fair for me to take care of everything and let him come back anyway. It just isn't fair at all. <P>I don't know what to do at this point. I am going to take every day that comes in stride and work through what develops.<P>Men think with the other side of the brain, I guess. Maybe just the ones I get involved with does...lol <P>Every day that goes by, I am making my way to get things better organized for my kids and I.<P>When I met him, he was a drunk. I brought him up and tried to keep him up. Now he has returned to his ways. <P>I suppose it was my fault to begin with. Shame on me...lol

Dont blame yourself......<P>Seems we do have a lot in common.....my w was an active alcoholic when we met doing self mutilation.<P>I got her sober and got her to stop hurting herself for the past 6 years.<P>Some moments I feel like I wish I would have left her in the gutter where she was....her family, friends, everyone had deserted her<BR>I was the only one who cared. Now She sees my as her wardon.<P>I too packed up all her stuff, but I made her take it. I put it all in the back of her truck and let her sort through it.<P>I did my best......I know I am not to blame....<P>Sounds the same with you.

I was so dumb though. Everyone told me that he was lazy, he was a liar, and that he was a thief. I didn't believe it. I thought there was good in everyone.<P>He has had to make up COMPLETE LIES for everyone to look down on me. <P>I can sit in my church on my knees and tell God and who ever else witnesses that I DID NOT do the things he says I did.<P>He didn't exaggerate the truth at all. He came up with HUGE lies that weren't true at all.<P>He has made an [censored] out of himself. Even his own family members told me that they just did not believe that I would do some of the things HE said I did.<P>I have now switched my computer phone line with my house phone and he won't be able to call anyway.<P>I should not let him come back into my home again.<P>He says that half of this is his, but I bought it with the money I got from a personal injury settlement. He can't touch that.<P>He says he wants the T.V. but I bought it on MY credit card and it isn't paid for.<P>Can the judge make me give him these things that are on my credit card? <P>He won't pay for them and my credit will go bad. They are in MY name. Not his. He has no credit. I have all of the credit.<P>He came to me with NOTHING. I provided for him.<P>Ya know, the more I talk about this and what has happened, I see that he walked out on a gold mine here.<P>He had it all. Even he admitted that this is the most he has ever had in his life.<P>Why would a loser like him walk out? I have been dumped by a loser.<P>He had everything at his fingertips and he walked out. That is desertion, isn't it?<P>I saw him go to court over his son and he told me he was going to lie like hell and stick to it.<P>What happens when he LIES like hell on me and sticks to it. Maybe the lord made me see that to prepare me for what I am about to go through with him.<P>This message board is HELPING me. I can talk through this and not feel guilty. I am a very communicative person. <P>I think anything can be worked out if it is talked about.<P>Stupid me even told him while he was packing that he didn't have to leave, that we could talk things out like adults and HE is the one that scoffed the idea.<P>Anyway, thanks so much for the support. All is appreciated.