I am trying to decide what the best thing to do for myself and my children is. I am leaning toward giving up on my husband.<P>Would I be out of line to ask how anyone who cares to answer decided to divorce?<P>Thank you in advance. --Ripped

Ripped,<P>Everyone has a different set of circumstances and a different experience from their marriage.<P>I can answer your question based on what I have been through. <P>I have been thru something similar before with my ex. Of course it was 6 years ago, when we were 21. I was thru another experience 5 years before that when we were 17.<P>I came to believe that he had some sort of problem. I tried to save my marriage. I tried anything I thought might work, and some of this stuff I tried, went against what I normally would say was out of desperation.<P>WHen I got served with divorce papers, that hit me hard. But after a few days, I took a step back. Thought long and hard about all the pain he caused me. This from someone who vowed to be faithful. I was the mother of his kids and he had gone out of his way to hurt me as much as he could.<BR> <BR>Once I accepted that I had tried the best I was willing to, (Plan A destroyed me and he only treated me worse back then), I looked at life in a new perspective.<P>I started doing things I missed out on for so many years. I reconnected with many of my friends, and honestly it was them over my family who pulled me through.<P>I recently had the opportunity to have my ex appologize to me for all he had done. Do I think he meant it, I can't tell. I think he is struggling now with a lot. I was able to stand up and tell him, this divorce would happen and that I was sorry for my part in it.<P>I am ok with my decision. I think that this is for the best. It was hard after so long, to learn to live without him, but it was also hard to go through that whole affair and I won't do that again.<P>I don't think divorce is a good thing. It's not good for the kids, it is hard to recover from and it is too easy to walk away now days. However, for some of us, there was no other option. <P>Think long and hard about your decision and don't make it overnight. I will say that the whole divorce experience, of going through mediation and almost to trial, was devastating and I'd never want to live thru it again.<P>Prayers to you,<BR>Dana<BR>

I agree with Dana, in that everybody has their own parameters. Some people opt for the divorce as soon as discovery is made. Others like Chris chose to wait things out, and others fall in between.<P>My divorce occured pretty quickly. Discovery in May 99, divorce in Feb 00. But I feel I did everything that could have been done to save the marriage, maybe not perfectly, but that my x simply wanted out of the marriage.<P>I verbally forgave her for the affair, she didn't accept that I forgave her because I still held onto things; I went to counseling, she was mad because she already knew all the things he was saying; I took her back when om was seeing his wife behind her back, I misunderstood what she was saying plus the counselor took my side; I was willing to take her back after om dumped her and agreed to counsleing; again she didn't like the fact that it would take time to heal the marriage.<P>So when she went from being warm and friendly to cool and distant within a week and told me on my birthday no less that she was seeing the om again, after she had verbally run him down, I had had enough.<P>I restarted the divorce papers she had started and had been put on hold after om dumped her.<P>I had wondered at the time, if I would ever take her back. But as timne has progressed, I see traits that I overlooked before, and these are not traits I find attractive. So I would never take her back.<P>I hope you can work your situation out. I guess it is best to have no second thoughts. So do what you have to, to save your marriage. If it doesn't succeed, you will not have the second thoughts. I don't have any.<P>Bob<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

I think we'll always have a tiny second thought no matter how sure we were for the rest of our lives if we truly believe the marriage vows. <P>Its rising above those second thoughts, and knowing what YOU want and YOU deserve out of life. Set your own goals and live your life for you. Everything else will fall into place.<P>Good luck<BR>

I'm not divorced. But it's coming. <BR>Husband has been gone 6 mo. Living w/ a person 1/2 his age. We were married 31 1/2 yr. when he left. <P>Anyway - my biggie is that I feel darned if do and darned if don't. I know that adultery is the ONLY way you can in Christ have divorce. Well - he's pretty well set that in stone. BUT - I'm having a BIG problem w/ - what if I DO meet someone else? If I am considered to be adulterous if I remarry - then why bother w/ divorce? Except - now he's taking loans out and I'm in a community property state...... so FINANCIALLY is why I am probably going to file in the next month or so - unless he saves sufficient $$ to get an atty. Another thing - If I filed and did all the work - I would have a better chance at getting the things I think are mine by virtue of his abandonment. You've probably gone over this a million times in YOUR head, too...... trying to decide what really is BEST - the least destructive path..... I wish stoning to death was still an option. I'd be there would be a lot less adultery out there..... or maybe human nature being what it is..... just a lot more secrets..

I have been divorced since Dec 1999. I knew it was the right thing when I realized there was no trust left upon which to rebuild the relationship. She had an affair (possibly two) from Sept 98 until Fall of 1999. She initiated the divorce in Oct of 1999.<P>The other realization is that I was in love with the person she was, not the person she had become and I don't know if I could be married to the person she has become.<P>Tom

Tom,<P>that is a good way to put it. Dana<BR>

Thank you, everyone, for your responses.<P>I never thought I'd be making this decision and I want to thank you for telling me your decision making points.<P>I think I will have to try to save my marriage. I'm just worried that there isn't much there to save and that I might be better off "just" ending it now.<P>Thanks again. --Ripped

To say divorce is a difficult decision is an understatement; throw children in the mix and it's heart wrenching. It was for me. I was married 16 years, have two children, been separated for seven months, and filed for divorce in March. <P>My husband did not have an affair; basically he was just emotionally abusive, has a host of problems, and I reached a point where I just couldn't live the life I had been living any more. Would he be best to stay because of the children? No. What I have seen over the last few months has shown me that my kids are not better off. <P>I never wanted a divorce. I never wanted to be in the place I am right now...starting over. I am scared; no terrified is a better word, but I feel I have no choice. We tried counseling individual and together, marriage coaching, etc. You name it we tried it, and the result is always the same. Everything is my fault...I won't give him a chance, I am ruining everyone's life. All I know is that I can't go back to living the life I had before. It took a while to come to that decision. I had to wade through the regrets, the guilt, the what ifs, the conflicting emotions, but in the end, I knew what I had to do...so I did it. <P>The divorce is not final yet...there is still much to be done and it is heart breaking to see the last 16 years of life reduced to a financial statement so the two of you can decide on a settlement. Somehow the whole process seems callous and barbaric, but who ever said divorce was nice? It's not. But for me it was necessary. <P>

I can't say I WANT a divorce, but at some point I realized it was the only option for me. I still love my H and to be honest, if he was willing to work on our marriage, I would stop our divorce in a heartbeat. But he has moved on to someone else and I have to accept that. Deciding to divorce was, for me, a signal more for MYSELF that it was time to move on. It gave me a sense of control in an out of control situation. It's not what I wanted, but after a year of trying to save this marriage devastated by an affair that he would not end, I just gave up. We have been separated since January and I filed in April. The divorce should be final in a few weeks. I don't know for sure. Anyway, everybody's circumstance is different. Even though I don't want to divorce and I still love my H, I also feel that our marriage is essentially over for HIM. I have to let him go because he doesn't want to be with me. That hurts like he!! but it's the truth. He doesn't love me anymore and I have had to face that bitter truth. What you decide will ultimately be up to you and what you need to do for yourself and your children. My H didn't seem to care how any of this affected me or our kids, but I agonized over how divorcing would affect my kids. It seems at times, I was the only one who actually seemed to care about their feelings and needs. At this time, my divorce is well on its way and my stbx and I are getting along fairly well. It's pretty easy for him. I have to bite my tongue and repress a lot of emotion around him, but at least we are civil. I don't know if what I've said helps you, but I hope you realize that you are not alone in your confusion and hurt. I think we all here are going through that.<P>Best to you and your family.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

I didn't *want* a divorce either... but... I can point to an exact moment that I decided to do it. <P>I had printed up a journal entry and email from a friend that was significant to our situation, and called him at work to come home early to talk. We were in the garage, smoking and crying and reading, and his cell rang. He said, "hello? I can't talk now" and hung up. I asked who it was, he said nobody, I asked again, he said business, I asked again, he said why do you want to know, I asked again, and FINALLY he said what I already knew - it was the OW who he "hadn't talked to for 27 days"... and the only reason I knew that was because he then admitted to talking to her the night before when she played him a love song and said, "it's been 27 days, don't hate me, but I had to tell you I love you"... <P>That was the moment. And I'm not so convinced it was the "best" thing to do, but at that moment I just lost whatever hope was left that I could ever trust him again. And I do believe, although it still stings, that it is the "right" thing to do.<P>I came here originally because I had an affair early last year, and I had been betrayed by him three times (2 at the same time) years earlier. I learned tons here, and did *try* to apply the principles. He learned a little, but didn't agree with the principles. Instead, he was so hurt by my infidelity that he went out and found someone else - the OW mentioned above. <P>Sometimes I think that things are so messed up tht they can't be undone or fixed. I applaud those who are able to get through the mire. I just couldn't.<P>

Everyone is different...<BR>For me, it was after two years of knowing about an affair, several attempts at reconciliation, and then he finally telling me he wanted out. Up until then, I would have taken him back and tried. I just lost my love for him. And the trust thing....ahhh the trust thing...<BR>I really had to look at the fact if I could ever have trusted him again, after all the lies and pain. I was not sure I ever could. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

My story is very similar to Keridwen, except I have been divorced now for three yrs. Divorce doesn't solve the problems--it just adds different ones. I am the one who filed for divorce out of anger due to ex's affair. I wanted him to prove his love for me by stopping the divorce, but he didn't. He is still living with OW and they recently became engaged--barf! Even after this amt. of time, it still affects my children, who are basically all aduts now, and there hasn't been a day that I haven't had some type of reminder about my ex.. It is a very painful decision to make, and I never thought in a thousand yrs, I would be a divorce statistic. Please weigh your options very carefully and if in doubt about what to do, don't do anything.

db, it amazes me 3 years later when some of them are still together. <P>Ripped,<BR>I am just checking back in to see what was going on. I would say that if you feel you can learn to forgive and trust then you can have hope to save your marriage. Try posting on the general questions side and the plan a board where the majority of those people are still in Plan A or working on the marriage.<P>Divorce is just a horrible consequence for people being unfaithful in their marriage. Its too easy to get married and its too easy to get divorced. Nothing seems to make sense anymore and I would say that if I were you I'd be real careful about rushing to file for divorce just yet. Besides, let him do it, it will cost you less in the end. In the meantime you could always plan a and work on it so that if divorce happens, you know you tried your best.<P>Good luck, Prayers, Dana<BR>