Yesterday we did the divorce papers. <BR>Took us over an hour to type everything in. She was all jolly the whole time. I was shaking and barely holding it together so I said little.<P>When we were done we walked outside, and I asked her how she could be so non chalant about it. She said that was just the way she was.<P>She then went on to tell me that she didnt believe I really loved her, that my actions the last couple of months were what drove her to this, and basically that it is all my fault she had the affair during our relationship and the one now. <P>I told her that I loved her unconditionally, always had, always would, and started to cry......so she just walked away.<P>This morning I have to meet her at 9 to have the waiver notarized. Then I file this afternoon......<P>$151 and 60 days and POOF......like we never existed at all.<P>My heart is breaking into..........I wrote a letter to her telling her how much I love her. It is the last thing I will give her before I walk away.<P>Then I guess I should do plan B? and pray.....?<P>

Hi 100....,<P> I'm so sorry for the terrible pain you are experiencing. Have you read "Private Lies" by Frank Pittman?According to him your W's actions are very typical .If it is any consolation to you ,she will one day wake up and have to deal with her guilt and actions.She is deep into fantasyland and someday will have to face herself. It won't be pretty...<P> The old "it's your fault I had an affair" is a bunch of crap...don't fall for it.....she is into denial big time.....keep posting , we are here for you.....LU

Lu has it right in that this is typical behavior. My then w was the same way. In fact, I saw with her and asked her if this was truly what she wanted. She brought up some many things that I started to believe that maybe she was right.<P>Then I realized that it was all justifcation. My x said that she and om both thought their spouse no longer loved them and we would never even notice them leaving. Somehow she was able to forget about 16+ yrs. I was not.<P>So as she continued to destroy our relationship, my love did finally fail.<P>Hang in there. You still do have a chance to save your marriage. Keep with the Plan A, Plan B if you must. Drag your feet with the divorce if you can.<P>God Bless,<P>Bob

Well, we met and had the waiver notarized. She actually was laughing and pleasant with the notary?!?!?! My God.........does this woman have ANY FEELINGS AT ALL?<P>I was shaking so hard I thought I was going to throw up. Choking back tears, and barely able to talk.<P>I gave her the note and she put it in her pocket. Said she would read it "sometime"<P>As I left her she said take care, and I choked out a see you sometime.....and started to cry.....I walked away quickly and into my building because I was loosing it..when she was out of sight I broke down and lost it.<P>I cannot believe someone can be so unfeeling....all she said to me on the elevator was "I am sorry this is so hard for you"<P>WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE EXPECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>She said she doesnt love me at all....that she actually feels nothing for me anymore and doesnt miss me either.<P>How can you just walk away???? How can you just forget EVERYTHING?????<P>I am in pain and shock.........and I cannot believe how badly this hurts.<P>Please keep posting to me.......

You walk away because you have to. You never forget.<P>You will survive, even though right now it doesn't seem that way.<P>For awhile you will think of nothing else, then there will start to be times that you notice gee, I didn't think of her for ten minutes... the stretches will get longer. You are going to need alot of time. ALOT.<P>I hope you are getting some kind of religious counseling, or relief. You need to know you can count on God to help you through these horrible times. He really will bear the pain - if you let Him. I expect most people far along in the healing process will agree.<P>This is a great place to come and read, but I hope you also have friends you can talk and cry to. Ones who don't say "get over it and move on with your life." Ones who really listen, and don't judge, don't give advice, just listen.<P>I hope too that you get into a divorce group. You find a good one and they do a world of good. And maybe do someone else some good too.<P>Take care. You don't know what the future holds for you yet. Take it a day at a time. <P>

Hey man, I know how you are feeling. I'm going through similar situation (my wife does not want to be with me anymore) and don't know what is going to happen. You are going to be fine, that's for SURE. It is not going to be easy and would probably take some time, but your are going to be OK. What happened was NOT your fault and you know you are a very good man. Pray to GOD and ask him to help you to be Strong during this time and in the future. Sometimes it is very difficult to understand someone else behavior and attitudes (in this case your wife) because our minds are so complex...<BR>Don't try to avoid your feelings, cry and try to learn from all this. This experience will help you to be a better person and make this like a goal you want to achieve. When you least expect you will be with people that really care for you and very happy.<BR>Try to talk and express your feelings, take care of YOURSELF and be strong. You are not alone and you know that.<BR>I know you are going to be OK soon,<BR>take care<BR>AB

The papers are filed.......$151.....45 days from now I am suppose to call for a setting with the judge......<P>She wants to be there, even though she signed a waiver......"too make sure I dont screw her out of it and tell the judge I changed my mind"<P>Where is the girl I married? Did she ever even really exist?<P>So here I sit alone......I am in a new town....no real friends here......out in BFE......<P>This computer is my only lifeline right now....<P>Thank you all for posting.......please keep posting.....<P>I am having a hard time belieiving everything is going to be ok right now.<P>Ben

Ben,<P>Ask my friends....ask my family.....read my real old, old posts. I thought I would never make it.<P>The pain I felt after discovery and during the seperation just was so hard.....sometimes it could not be put in words.....just sobs.<P>I was divorced on June 20, 2000. It was not our date for final hearing...August was....but ex pulled a good one on me.<P>He has never had any remorse that I have seen. He did after discovery but it faded fast.<P>His life is great....makes great money, does what he pleases...when he pleases and answers to no one.<P>I on the other hand am flat broke. Struggle every day with financial problems and 2 beautiful, growing girls.<P>Some of the "veterans" know what I have gone through. It has been horrible.<P>But I realized....when...I don't know, that I will make it. I am not extremely happy but I realize that that will come. I hung on way too long. Sometimes I wonder if I am still hanging on. Wished I could say...like Bob did, that I would never take him back. I can't say that.<P>I learned to seperate the old Kenny from the "new" Ken. He is not someone that I would marry, not now. But if he was the person I used to know....I would jump on it.<P>Ok...I didn't help at all.....I wished I could tell you that everything will be ok. I can only tell you that months ago I would have rather curled up in a ball and cry all day. Now.....I hardly cry....I would rather go out with the girls and do something. You will come to that. It will happen.<P>Nancy

Ben,<P>You wife is caught in the triangle of self-obsession. Don't get caught up in it yourself. You are a worthy person that in no way deserves this.<P>I promise it does get better....much better...it just takes time.<P>Bill

Ben,<BR>My heart bleeds for you and all on this board and out there dealing with this.<P>Your pain is immense and should be....but as Mental wrote, it changes. I would not state that life gets better than before this mess.....but it does get better in terms of where you are now. It certainly is different to what you dreamed it would be, and the pain changes in the same way a raw wound scabs over. The scar will always be there, but how you treat the wound as it heals will affect the outcome of your pain. <P>At this point life seems and is bleak, but truly there is so much for you to look forward to even without your wife.<P>Post here often....<P>Your wife is in fantasy mode now and you are dealing with a different reality.

Ben,<BR> You'll find your story isn't so uncommon.It just keeps repeating itself on this board.My stbx did exactly the same thing.I went through the same thoughts as you.Now I just don't care anymore.You will reach that point,too.<P> After she told me of her affair,she said horrible and cruel things to me.She rubbed my nose in the fact she was sleeping with a guy who was in grade school when we were married.After she moved out,she said she didn't miss me,either,after 22 years.<BR> <BR>I tried writing letters(that went unanswered),calling her on the phone(she scorned me),and tried to get us into counceling(she went twice).When we sat down and discussed divorce settlement,my hands were shaking,she looked contented.<BR> She even said"I never knew I could be SO HAPPY!"as I was bawling my f##king head off!You're right....How selfish,how arrogant,self-centered,and unfeeling! <P> See what I mean???The same old song.This is where you come in.....<BR> There is nothing you can say,there is nothing you can do,that will change her way of thinking right now.You have to accept that,or you'll drive yourself nuts.<BR>No,this isn't the same woman you married.Not right now,anyway.Maybe never,and you have to prepare yourself for that possible outcome.<P> Like I said before,you have to stay busy.The more the better.I also read a lot of books on infidelity,marriage,divorce,and relationships.Yes,I did make mistakes,but I don't think they were bad enough for divorce.She made mistakes,too.But,the bottom line is,she just fell in-love(lust)with someone else.Romantic affairs kill more marriages than anything else.<BR>But that's OK.We'll see if this"Kid"will put up with her BS for the next 22 years.Anybody want to place bets?<P> Don't drive yourself crazy over what she's saying and doing,Ben.SHE'S THE CRAZY ONE RIGHT NOW!You can't believe ANYTHING she tells you right now,OK? <BR> Check out some of the recommended books and learn all you can about what's going on here.<BR>Three of my favorites are"Private Lies"by Frank Pittman,"After the Affair"by Janus Spring,and"Affair-Proof Your Marriage"by Lana Staheli.Just reading them will help give you some peace of mind.Take care,and take it one day at a time. <P> ~~Murph