My husband of 29 years divorced me in March. He decided last August he was unhappy and no longer loved me. Our pastors and friends tried to talk to him but to no avail. My pastor asked if there was nay reason why God was not healing the situation, and I said I had had several affairs 25 years ago during another VERY bad time of our marriage. He said to confess which I did. My husband left the next morning on a business trip, the divorce papers were served to me 3 days later, and he moved out the day he got back. He has told so many people they had no idea what it was like being married to me, and the reason was because of the affairs. However, he already wanted the divorce, it was just his excuse. The divorce was final in March, and he has married the woman he was NOT having the affair with in May. I found out she was married 3 or 5 times already and had affairs with numerous men at their company until she landed him (the boss). They also lied and tried to get another employee fired so he could give her his job. I don't even know who this man is anymore. I guess my question is why did he already marry her- he was married almost 30 years, divorced 2 months and remarried so quickly? Can they really love each other? How could this woman make him happy when I couldn't seem to - he has lost over 100 lbs., quit driking supposedly, etc. It is like he thinks I was the only problem - now that he dumped me his life is bliss - he makes over $250,00/yr, 3 homes, a boat, 4 cars,and never even got into any trouble at his company even though he and she both missed LOTS of work travelling, etc. since August. He said it was from the separation trauma and they are giving him a 2nd chance because of his position. I had to move to another state and am living in a rental home and no job. Why can't I get over this. The remarriage is so much harder than even the divorce.

I am sorry no one has responded to you yet. <P>Your H would have found something to blame you for, even if he never found out about the affairs. <P>My H even claimed that the final straw was that I wanted him to quit his "consulting job" which took hours of his time and paid no money - when, as it turned out of course, there was no consulting job, just an OW.<P>It makes me angry that your pastor implied that God would have healed the marriage if you deserved it, which is a bunch of hogwash.

Rosie: <P>It sounds like your husband was probably having an affair.<P>You ask why he divorced you. Ask a different question: why should he have stayed with you? Ask it from his "selfish" point of view---were you the kind of wife he wanted? If he wasn't in love with you, why was that? Were you guilty of "lovebusting", or of neglecting his needs? Did you not spend time with him? It's clear that you hadn't been honest with him through the marriage.<P>He's married on the rebound, probably because this woman is providing him with something you didn't. This isn't a good sign for the marriage---I'm sure that he had plenty of "poor marital skills" that helped lead to your affairs too. 2nd marriages have lower chances of success than first ones---especially those within a year of divorce.<P>I'd suggest that you go through the basic concepts here (perhaps order Give and Take and Surviving an Affair) and really evaluate YOUR role in the marriage. What did you do wrong? What could you do better? I'd then work on changing your behaviors in those areas. You never know---you might get another chance with him. And regardless, it'll be good to go into a future relationship with better skills.

Rosie,<P>I can understand why the remarriage is so hard. I think an affair is one of the most basic insults, it destroys your ego on such a basic level, goes to the core of being a female, doesn't it? Quite the ego blow, being told that you failed as a woman - but to have him remarry so fast? Its like he's telling you how easily replaced you are.<P>But that isn't true. Go through a "self-improvement" program now, for you. Your ego has taken a beating, and doing things to better yourself will make you feel better while you go through the healing process. <P>I think all of us with wayward spouses, can look to things we did "wrong" but I suspect we all fall more into the category of not seeing the spouse was vulnerable - letting circumstances get out of our control during a valley in the marriage.<P>This new wife does something for your husband that he needed at the moment, but from what you described, it was a very superficial need, maybe he just needed someone to tell him he is king of the jungle. Who knows, but most likely he will regret what he did. <P>My ex went for a an uneducated uninspired trailer trash type teenager. When people saw, they would almost gasp. It was never a competition, Even though I was 20 years older, she couldn't hold a candle to me - but she made him feel like a teenager again, the virile stallion. He even went off and got covered with tatoos. Can you imagine? A 45 year old white collar businessman, covered with tatoos... I just looked at him - couldn't think of a thing to say (which for me is quite the statement), it was so unappealing and foreign to me - these things he desires now.<P>You need more time. It will get better.

I am incensed by "K"'s remark - insinuating that something YOU did led to your husbands affair...well, where is personal accountability? Even if you were the wicked witch of the west, does that give your H reason to commit adultery, to break his covenant vows, to move on into a new life? NO!!! What was missing in your H's life he should have sought out in the LORD - not in the arms of another woman - and it is NOT your fault that your H has a CHARACTER problem! We are all responsible for our own behavior - and your H is responsible for his, whether or not he wants to acknowledge it. You could be perfect wife and he could still rationalize his way out of the marriage- what he did was WRONG and it was NOT YOUR FAULT.<P>------------------<BR>In His Grip - llp

notagain,<P>It's obvious you haven't been here long enough to understand what happens in a marriage leading to an affair.<P>True, there is NO justification for an affair. However, that doesn't mean there aren't reasons it happened. The state of the relationship is the responsibility of both spouses. If one thinks it great, but the other doesn't and this is not communicated to the other, then problems such as affairs can happen.<P>Rosie has admitted she was not honest with her husband (for at least 25 years about her afairs). Not something to base a relationship on. There is most likely other issues which she was not meeting some of his needs which the ow is fulfilling. Again, this is no justification for an affair. However, it is a reason for the breakdown of their relationship which can and does lead to affairs.<P>Now they are divorced & she seems pretty clueless as to what happened.<BR>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A><p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited July 21, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nellie1:<BR><B>I am sorry no one has responded to you yet. <BR>Thanks for responnding Nellie. Your story sounds similar to mine - only we were married 29 years. My husband's company bought a company in TN and he started travelling there a lot. Please don't think badly of my pastor. I think his reasoning was only that if maybe God was not fixing the situation because I had been hiding the past. He is a good, godly man, but is only human. God bless.<BR>Your H would have found something to blame you for, even if he never found out about the affairs. <P>My H even claimed that the final straw was that I wanted him to quit his "consulting job" which took hours of his time and paid no money - when, as it turned out of course, there was no consulting job, just an OW.<P>It makes me angry that your pastor implied that God would have healed the marriage if you deserved it, which is a bunch of hogwash. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by K:<BR><B>Rosie: <BR>Thanks K for responding. You certainly made provocative statements. You are right - I am sure I made contributions myself. We became born-again Christians 4 years ago, and I guess I thought we were finally "Safe". We were now different people and God had forgiven us both of the past mistakes. However, my husband did get involved with another woman and chose not to honor his vows. He never even gave me a chance to fix anything and never even said anything about what he was thinking until he dropped the bombshell. God bless.<BR>It sounds like your husband was probably having an affair.<P>You ask why he divorced you. Ask a different question: why should he have stayed with you? Ask it from his "selfish" point of view---were you the kind of wife he wanted? If he wasn't in love with you, why was that? Were you guilty of "lovebusting", or of neglecting his needs? Did you not spend time with him? It's clear that you hadn't been honest with him through the marriage.<P>He's married on the rebound, probably because this woman is providing him with something you didn't. This isn't a good sign for the marriage---I'm sure that he had plenty of "poor marital skills" that helped lead to your affairs too. 2nd marriages have lower chances of success than first ones---especially those within a year of divorce.<P>I'd suggest that you go through the basic concepts here (perhaps order Give and Take and Surviving an Affair) and really evaluate YOUR role in the marriage. What did you do wrong? What could you do better? I'd then work on changing your behaviors in those areas. You never know---you might get another chance with him. And regardless, it'll be good to go into a future relationship with better skills.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by honey.west:<BR><B>Rosie,<BR>Boy, Honeywest, I can really identify with you. My husband used to say I was a beautiful woman, the smartest woman he knew, etc. I helped him in his career, and the last 8 years I did not work, but became someone I guess the uninteresting and overweight housewife. The OW worked for him, was tall, very thin, never had children. Somehow she became to him what I used to be. We were very involved in our church. Everyone was so surprised. No one could believe when I told them he had left me. Apparently she is at his level or below - no need to be a better person. I intimidated him - he knew I was a nice, kind person - he always marveled at how generous I was. He was selfish and self-centered. Now he doesn't have anyone asking him to do good things - they can both be happy satisfying themselves all the time - don't have to think about anyone else. MY ex lost over 100 lbs., shaved his mustache (had it since high school, changed his hair style and color, started wearing flowered shirts and gold bracelets. When I saw him one of the last times I, like you, could not believe it was even him. He had so much hatred and anger - always has. He said I made him that way, I brought out the worst in him. Maybe. God bless.<BR>I can understand why the remarriage is so hard. I think an affair is one of the most basic insults, it destroys your ego on such a basic level, goes to the core of being a female, doesn't it? Quite the ego blow, being told that you failed as a woman - but to have him remarry so fast? Its like he's telling you how easily replaced you are.<P>But that isn't true. Go through a "self-improvement" program now, for you. Your ego has taken a beating, and doing things to better yourself will make you feel better while you go through the healing process. <P>I think all of us with wayward spouses, can look to things we did "wrong" but I suspect we all fall more into the category of not seeing the spouse was vulnerable - letting circumstances get out of our control during a valley in the marriage.<P>This new wife does something for your husband that he needed at the moment, but from what you described, it was a very superficial need, maybe he just needed someone to tell him he is king of the jungle. Who knows, but most likely he will regret what he did. <P>My ex went for a an uneducated uninspired trailer trash type teenager. When people saw, they would almost gasp. It was never a competition, Even though I was 20 years older, she couldn't hold a candle to me - but she made him feel like a teenager again, the virile stallion. He even went off and got covered with tatoos. Can you imagine? A 45 year old white collar businessman, covered with tatoos... I just looked at him - couldn't think of a thing to say (which for me is quite the statement), it was so unappealing and foreign to me - these things he desires now.<P>You need more time. It will get better. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by notagain:<BR>Thanks for responding not again. You are right about the personal accountability. Our church excommunicated him because of what he did - to hold him accountable. He is definitely wrong. I was not the wicked witch - until I guess he started the affair he always said I was the nicest person he knew. However, when we were separated, he made a remark while we were still talking "You really can be a nice person". I realized then that he had to convince himself I was mean so he could live with himself because how could he leave a nice person - I had to become mean. What a shame - self deception - the devil is so good at that. You are so right. He should have looked to God, but he absolutely refused. He never even gave me a chance to make repairs, etc., he was so deceived. I am sure the OW helped there. She goes to the Unitarian church (a cult), and they were actually married there. Our pastors showed him the truth - he just didn't want it - I think he is the perfect example of the "apostate" person mentioned in the end times. Thank you for what you said. Even though I was not perfect, a man who really loves God would not have done what he did. God bless.<B>I am incensed by "K"'s remark - insinuating that something YOU did led to your husbands affair...well, where is personal accountability? Even if you were the wicked witch of the west, does that give your H reason to commit adultery, to break his covenant vows, to move on into a new life? NO!!! What was missing in your H's life he should have sought out in the LORD - not in the arms of another woman - and it is NOT your fault that your H has a CHARACTER problem! We are all responsible for our own behavior - and your H is responsible for his, whether or not he wants to acknowledge it. You could be perfect wife and he could still rationalize his way out of the marriage- what he did was WRONG and it was NOT YOUR FAULT.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Chris (CA123):<BR><B>notagain,<P>Thanks for responding. No you are right - I am not sure what happened. I guess I thought even though we had problems from time to time, God would fix it all since we had become Christians. I do know a "balance of power" shift happened. For so many years I (in a way) had the upper hand. I was the pretty, popular, smart one. He always felt lucky to have landed me. I helped him build his career, and the last 8 years I stayed home and became a reflection of him. He had all the power, position, etc. I just volunteered at church, etc. It was all him. So when he got his last promotion, I thought we were so blessed, but so many of our friends that worked with him said he changed then. He no longer sought God for real, and it all became about power, etc. I did not see it. This woman worked at the company his company had bought and he started traveling there a lot.I just never dreamed he would ever do anything. WRONG. God bless. It's obvious you haven't been here long enough to understand what happens in a marriage leading to an affair.<P>True, there is NO justification for an affair. However, that doesn't mean there aren't reasons it happened. The state of the relationship is the responsibility of both spouses. If one thinks it great, but the other doesn't and this is not communicated to the other, then problems such as affairs can happen.<P>Rosie has admitted she was not honest with her husband (for at least 25 years about her afairs). Not something to base a relationship on. There is most likely other issues which she was not meeting some of his needs which the ow is fulfilling. Again, this is no justification for an affair. However, it is a reason for the breakdown of their relationship which can and does lead to affairs.<P>Now they are divorced & she seems pretty clueless as to what happened.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

It seems like we all have to make some sense of things before we can begin to let go. I don't have any answers for you, but you do. If you try to look at your relationship objectively, you may see some of the reasons why your marriage failed. Focus on your part of that and see what you can do to change it so that it never haunts your future again.<P>It's not your fault that your husband left or that he seems to have been having an affair. Your affairs 25 years ago were not the problem for your divorce, but they may have contributed. How did you handle this? What lingering effects were there? What unresolved issues were there? What can you do about it now?<P>So your H married a loser. Are you going to sit there wondering if they had an affair now that it no longer matters? Are you going to wonder about their future when statistics show that remarried people have a greater chance for divorce- especially when they hook up so soon after getting divorced? Let the losers be losers, but don't let him drag you down with him.<P>I know it's important to process all of this and come to some peace so that you can let it go, but I think the main goal should not be understanding, but letting it go. <P>As long as you hold on to this, you are stuck right here with this mess that is in your past. Do you want to live in the past? You are alive right now! You have a chance to do so many things you couldn't do when you were married. You are in a new place with new opportunities. Don't miss out on the blessings because you want to dwell in a dark past. <P>Though it may seem like your life is behind you, sometimes our blessings come from the most unlikely and hurtful events. This *is* a good thing because it gives you a chance to remake your life and yourself in the way that you want it to be. Take the chance and make it something wonderful! You only have yourself to make happy now. So why not do it?

[QUOTE]Originally posted by RosieBC:<BR><B>She goes to the Unitarian church (a cult), and they were actually married there. </B><P>Now, now. There may be some perfectly wonderful people in the Unitarian church right here on this board. Please be careful about painting people in boxes. We've had some hurt feelings and flames based on relgious beliefs and we are not here to argue religion. <P>Please be kind and tolerant of others' beliefs. We are here to help each other through marital difficulty, not to bash each other or project holier- than-thou attitudes because we believe our religion is the one true path. Thank-you in advance for understanding.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by popeye:<BR>Thank you popeye. What you said was probably some of the best advice I've been given. God bless you for it.<P><B>It seems like we all have to make some sense of things before we can begin to let go. I don't have any answers for you, but you do. If you try to look at your relationship objectively, you may see some of the reasons why your marriage failed. Focus on your part of that and see what you can do to change it so that it never haunts your future again.<P>It's not your fault that your husband left or that he seems to have been having an affair. Your affairs 25 years ago were not the problem for your divorce, but they may have contributed. How did you handle this? What lingering effects were there? What unresolved issues were there? What can you do about it now?<P>So your H married a loser. Are you going to sit there wondering if they had an affair now that it no longer matters? Are you going to wonder about their future when statistics show that remarried people have a greater chance for divorce- especially when they hook up so soon after getting divorced? Let the losers be losers, but don't let him drag you down with him.<P>I know it's important to process all of this and come to some peace so that you can let it go, but I think the main goal should not be understanding, but letting it go. <P>As long as you hold on to this, you are stuck right here with this mess that is in your past. Do you want to live in the past? You are alive right now! You have a chance to do so many things you couldn't do when you were married. You are in a new place with new opportunities. Don't miss out on the blessings because you want to dwell in a dark past. <P>Though it may seem like your life is behind you, sometimes our blessings come from the most unlikely and hurtful events. This *is* a good thing because it gives you a chance to remake your life and yourself in the way that you want it to be. Take the chance and make it something wonderful! You only have yourself to make happy now. So why not do it?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Rosie,<P>First off, I appologize for not getting back to you sooner. I just left you a message on the wrong post.<P>Second, when you go to respond, you really don't need to use that "quote" thing, just hit reply and then respond to each person individually with your comments or to the whole group. You'll get the hang of it!<P>Third, I will try to answer as much of your questions as I can relate to, which is MOST of it. When you first find out about the affair, its either one of two things. You feel VERY responsible for what happened. Like you did something totally wrong. Or you feel like you did this wonderful job and can't understand why HE would have the nerve to do this to you. The truth is we all fall somewhere right in the middle.<P>No where , is there anyone with a Perfect marraige and those we think are, have problems too, or they work very hard to keep it good. It does sound like he was having an affair before he left. As this goes on , you may find out more and more, or you may never know the truth.<P>Read through the MB principles as best you can. Understand what causes affairs and realize that we are all only human.<P>I would say that from the outside looking in, it seems his marriage is a rebound. You don't know what he told OW about you. You don't know what he told her . But unfortunately, its probably not going to mean you two will get back together anytime soon.<P>Take some time for you. Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time when things are bad. Live your life for yourself and start working on healing so you can feel at peace. <P>Read many of our posts and updates, somewhere on General Questions is some update thread that we all posted on too. Reply to everyone's threads and you'll start getting replies back too.<P>And remember, just hit submit reply!<P>Prayers, Dana<BR>