Willbok,<P>I hate having so many questions, as even 8 yo d says this is stupid. And I don't allow the use of that word liberally! (Although now I know where special friend lives).<P>OK, no complete legal agreement yet, only two mediation meetings. My 2 week vacation time is coming up, my dad just got taken to the<BR>hospital where they removed a cancerous tumor, first dealings with cancer, now known to be hereditary, , and so when they throw crap at you, it is alot at one time.<P>So I told what's-her-face, and then she said, "do you know where you are going on your vacation yet? The kids are getting invitations and I need to know." I said "I do not know at this moment." the parental situation throws a wrench in it, I would think anyone would agree.<P>So STBX says "they just can't stay at your place for two weeks, that's not a vacation, that would be selfish."<P>Now isn't it my time and my decision for my two weeks? Anyway, I haven't talked to my lawyer yet, but mediation with a controlling S seems to be a lot more difficult, and slow.<P>I think I need to bring out the professionals. What's your opinion?<P>thl

WIFTT:<BR>I am so sorry to read about your father. I hope that he recovers, but I know how difficult this time is for all of you.<P>AS far as I can tell, stbx is trying to control you. <BR>If you want to have the kids for the 2 week vacation, it has no bearing on whether you will be away or not. In fact i might be good for you and the kids not to go away, especially if your father is ill. With the separation still so new to you all, it might be more stable to not go away, to simply spend time with the kids in your home, getting used to everything, and having the kids with you when their grandfather is so ill will be good for you as well I think.<BR> So...if stbx has made plans for them with friends (the invitations) then you will be the parent to take thm and facilitate these things, not stbx. i.e. you will be the primary caregiver for these 2 weeks. <P>Stbx seems to be pressuring you to take the kids away. WHY? is the question I would ask. Is it to prove that you are only the Disney dad, or perhaps it is financial, to prove something...who knows what goes on in their minds? It might also be that she plans to do something while you are away that she could not do otherwise.<P>What you do with your 2 weeks vacation is entirely your choice and should have nothing to do with stbx as to whether you do not or do go away with the kids (for 1 or 14 days)<P>What you should do though is let her know that during the period you have the children, you will let her know in advance if you do take the children away, give phone numbers etc, let kids call her etc. (all not rocket science), but let her know that those 2 weeks are yours to have with the children and it is not for her to tell you whether you can or cannot take them away.QED<P>Mediation sounds excellent...for some, but with MLC, mentally sick and omnipotent stbx's this is so hard. I am glad that I started out with a very strong lawyer. Stbx would have mediated me under the table in a way that he tried to legally but has not and will not suceed.<P>Unfortunately IMHO since it is all our fault that things do not go exactly as planned for this fantasy life in so many ways, the blame and anger distorts their world view.<P>I knew I was in trouble before legal wheels set in motion when stbx told me "well if you make me get a lawyer, then I will get a pit bull and take everything from you. And maybe I'll then give it back" I made darn sure I got a lawyer who was not going to be intimidated by this man....and she is not. Get legal advice...it sounds as if you are damned if you do and damned if you do not.<P>But the overriding priority should be the welfare of the children.<BR>It would be worthwhile to start therapy during the time you have the kids....the therapists will (if any good) let you know if the children need to continue or not. i.e. get an initial assessment.<P>Goodluck and it is my pleasure to answer your questions...I just wish that no families were going through any of this...it is all so unnecessary in the scheme of things.

Thanks,<P>Yes, she later apologized, although I still think she is so far into control, that the onlything that will being her back to reality is a good legal wrangling, which I was contemplating this morning after our discussion.<P>Oh well, I paid $800 towards the bounced checks, which turn out to be camp, soccer and swim lessons for the kids, as well as my life insurance. AS she said, "What do you mean by the concept of money? I just like to spend it."<P>Of course she is, and she has gotten everything she wants at the moment, as I am<BR>in Plan A until she pushes a stupid button which is a read circle on my forehead which says: "Guilt slinging and foggy thinking make me explode!"<P>I try so hard to be tough and nice, but it is hard to do at the same time. At least she apologizes afterwards. <P>At least I have a hot tip investment, and hope to make enough to cover the legal fees after taxes. Yeah, and still give STBX 50% until the papers are signed.<P><sigh>, it would be nice to make money without the marriage penalty tax. <longer sigh><P>thl

Money really is the root of some of their evil...they just do not get it in so many ways.<P>Check out if the property split is at date of separation...if so and your tip materializes, she is owed zip!!!!!<P>Keep a record of all money paid extra such as for bounced checks etc....this can work to your advantage in final settlement<P>It is not their right to take what is not theirs, it is not their right to take from kids, it is their and our responsibility to pay for the children.<BR>The fog for my stbx was even more about my money than the ow. Of course once he made enough he needed to have someone love him for the amount he made and put him on a pedestal for this!!!!!! He will soon come to realize that I am done protecting my older kids from his irresponsibility towards college bills andhe is going to be in for the biggest shock of his life in Sept. I don't care how much he earns or not, I will no longer foot the bills for the kids and wait to get back...he proved otherwise.....and has continued to lie and manipulate about all this so......<P>I could have and did understand a lot of his behaviour, but will never forgive his not paying college bills and then manipulating one kid to believe it was not his responsibility!!!!!<BR>They are so full of sh^t about so much....unfortunately my stbx is not man enough to ever communicate with me......so this messin my life continues ad naseum<P>Sorry for the vent.....just be prepared for all sorts of behaviour that you would never expect!<P>How is your father?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by willbok99 (edited July 20, 2000).]

why they are so incommunicative, and non-critical of themselves and their lives<BR>is beyond me.<P>I have been so talkative that at work, if they see me coming, they all run and hide.<BR>Fortunately, after sleeping better by myself, and getting back to normal not having to deal with crap, although I love to deal with kid crap, because it gives me time to teach them about the other world, <reality><P>Thanks, I will see Gramps friday, so will know more then. However, since it is all hereditary, I am now damaged goods.<P>thl

They will not look inside themselves....much easier to blame others. They would implode. Anyway it is the world according to them...and no-one else. Once they break the "rule " of infidelity which was sacred before, then not much else is important I guess. All rules therefore go by the wayside.<BR>Actually who the ----knows with them. I gave up trying to figure my stbx out and do not let any of his cr@p get to me anymore, he can live his pathetic life and I will live mine.<P>You are not damaged goods, despite what you think. I am sorry that your father has cancer that you state is hereditary. H's father died of colon cancer 16 years ago. He is supposed to be checked every 2 years...did not do it, maybe now he does? But even though it is hereditary, by monitoring, it is not considered to be life threatening for H in any way.<P>I am pleased that you believe my advice is wise....none of my children thinks so!!!!<BR>D is impossible today...screaming at me due to frustration over who knows what (after seeing dad for dinner!!!!)<BR>