Hi ya'll. Dianne, thanks for directing me here to this post. <p>A news flash from this end....we went for 24 hours without fighting. Amazing. And I felt really good about that and felt warm towards him. So we made love last night which I initiated, and he has smothered me ever since. How can I make him understand that space really means space? He is a big believer in instant fixes, but yesterday was not one!<p>It is a relief to feel that we are not all alone in our rocky marriages!<p>Mike, in response to what you asked Dianne, I have never lived on my own with full responsibilities. I went from being my daddy's little girl to being my husband's little girl. That was precisely one of the biggest reasons why I married my H -- knowing that someone would always be there to take care of me. My H is very responsible, trust-worthy, and strong willed. I traded one father for another. My parents were thrilled when H asked them could he marry me, and I have always wanted approval in my relationships.<p>So when we married, I was used to being taken care of and expected it. I was used to being seen as irresponsible and flighty, and so even expected to be thought of like that. Well, unfortunately, I am now 34 (for two more weeks) and I have grown up some. I am a grown woman, and am tired of being told what to do and how/when/why to do it.<p>So part of my unhappiness comes from this very lack of responsibility that my H keeps telling me I don't have and never will. Which leads to more unhappiness because of my perceptions of disrespect from him. I KNOW that I am an extremely intelligent woman with a quick mind; but it is hard hearing that I do stupid things or that I can't do anything right. Maybe I am not as smart as I thought I was?? 12 years of hearing this can make you wonder.<p>He keeps telling me I have it made....nice car, beautiful home on the river, in process of buying a river cottage, healthy children, financial security...... He thinks that is all enough to give me happiness.<p>And all I want is a nice, friendly, considerate man who respects my opinions instead of just my body. (Well, not ALL I want, but you know what I mean!)<p>Whew.....too much caffeine and too many ramblings......<p>Maria

Maria, You deserve all that you mention, especially from your SO. Your husband should've have been a source of support, rather than tearing you down. In my relationship things were quite the opposite of yours. Till recently, I always wanted my wife's opinion. I encouraged her to be independent. I never wanted the barefoot and pregnant wife. If your totally dependent, what are you contributing? Something that sticks with me is a couple of weeks before the W told she wanted a divorce there was a flood in our new house. There were some decisions we had to make on the method of cleaning the floors by the contractor. She asked me and I told her I had no experience, so just use her judgement. This really pissed her off. She had told me before that she didn't like it when I would push through something when I didn't know everything about it. Now she wanted me to take charge. Couldn't win either way. Looks like I've had too much coffee. I must go play in the snow, Mike

Shery,<br>They say it takes a guy at least 25 years to learn how to be married. I have been married 26 years and am still learning. <br>Two important things I have learned from Dr. Harley which may help in your situation.<br>1. Love is a decision--not an emotion.<br>This part is easy to get confused because the affects of receiving love are clothed in emotions and "butterflies" Also, the movies and TV have gone out of their way to enforce the notion that love is an emotion. So if you no longer feel butterflies then love must be gone, right? WRONG! There always comes a time in marriage when we have to renew our decision to LOVE our spouse--without reservations or regard for the emotional clothing that decision may require. I have gone through a lot of struggle with this and can say--without any reservation--it was worth it. There is never any guarantee that my love will be returned and the magic will continue. But what kind of love always expects a return on investment? Part of the magic is that I can love for no reason at all. And that in turn supports my belief that my wife can love me "for no reason at all" Knowing this puts so many deposits into our Love Bank that it cannot ever be overdrawn.<p>2. Men's emotional needs are different than women's.<br>There are days when one kind word or display of attention from my wife can mean more to me than a thousand words of praise from my boss or the people I work with. Yet this is not something I could tell my wife. It would dispell the magic. So she has to figure it out on her own. This is where the love comes into play. Women, by nature tend to be sensitive to these things and my wife is no exception. She can usually tell when I need attention and gives it without ritual. This reinforces my decision to love her all the more, but it is not a conditional love. I would love her just the same if she failed to notice that I needed attention. And she loves me the same way. This has gotten us through the rough spots of our marriage.

Joe,<p>Thank you for that. I needed to see that today. <p>Steph

This is wonderful, i think.<br>i have spent probably an hour or more reading all of the responses to "all opinions needed" and i feel hope. For the first time in a long time.<p>Many of the things that were said made me cry. And cry. Not because they were sad, but because i am going thru the same thing with a H who says he just hasn't had any feelings for several years (we've been married for 9 and a half; i've written about it in the "conflicts" forum). The things you all said were beautiful. I've spent two long, sad days mourning the loss of my marriage and focusing on the things he recently said ( such as "when i walk into a party where we're supposed to meet, i don't even feel like walking over to kiss you and say hello" and "if we were to go on vacation for a weekend together, it would be like i went on vacation alone. it doesn't matter if you're there or not", etc.). But, these letters have made me feel good that i'm not alone and that he's not really some selfish [censored] (as i have enjoyed calling him lately). It really helps to know that many other husbands have felt the same way. <p>I hope i'm not just grasping on to straws, but my marriage has always been the most important thing to me, and i want to work on it. to change it. i know that i have been tottally devoted to him. we have no children (a mutual choice) and we have many beautiful things (great careers, terrific house, nice cars). But, i have nothing much outside of the marriage. He hates shopping, but i sometimes insist that he go with me because i don't have anyone else to go with. I've let myself be completely dependent on him for just about everything (i thought i was just "prioritizing" the marriage, but now i think i've been "smothering" him).<p>Our long "discussions" about our marriage all started after he came home at 3:20 am one night because he had been out with his alcoholic friend (my H is not much of a drinker, but he really likes spending time with "the guys"...another issue).I was furious, but when we talked he really had a good explanation ( he stayed w/his friend because he was afraid to let his friend drive after he had been drinking so much), which i am really proud of him for that.He says he's learned good values like that from me.<p>Anyhow, to make a long story short, we made up, but everything went sour again after we looked at a new house to buy. The house would make our mortgage go from about 800 to 1300. We liked the house a lot, but I could sense that he seemed distant after that. Then, of course, we started talking, and it came out that we were both afraid of taking such a big step when things were so uncertain.<p>After that, we've both been feeling awful. We've hardly been eating, every conversation is painful, he's even thrown up a couple of times this week. He's said he just can't tell me he loves me,and that he he thinks i deserve more than what he can give. Now that i read your messages, i'm realizing that he probably is feeling incredibly guilty that he can't love me. And of course, i'm probably not helping much by going on & on about how i've always loved him & how i thought the marriage was perfect & how i thought he was like an angel to me. One of the letters also made me wonder if he has a touch of "depression". Of course, if i mentioned that to him, he'd be furious. He says that i am what makes him unhappy. <p>Well, we're both intelligent people, so i'm hoping that something like Marriage Builders and your letters might help him to see that he's not alone. Of course, i'm secretly afraid to push it on him too much, because i'm afraid to be the one doing all of the work. But, like "all opinions needed", My H has been very willing to spend lots & lots of hours with me already, trying to process this. And he says he wants to take it slow, because he doesn't want to make a mistake that he'll regret for the rest of his life. He definitelty says no to counseling (I am a counselor) , because he can't talk to a stranger. Sound familiar? But, he has been talking with his friends for support. I think it helps him see the "normalcy" of some of this.<p>We've scheduled a time to talk tonight, and earlier i was angry and thinking about not doing it, but you guys have given me some hope. I'd like to thank the men who came on & wrote, because i know that expressing emotions can truly be so difficult for some of them. I loved the story about men & their mothers...it made so much sense. And i loved the one about suffocating the other person...what an eye opener! And, the Guy Named Joe sounds like a truly special person. I COMMEND EVERYBODY! Thanks!

Dianne,<p>Your current state sounds almost exactly like my wife's. The one major exception is that she did leave (on 11/11).<p>One issue that has me confused is that we have had 2 diffrent Dr.'s suggest that my wife's "confussion" might be a result of a recent miscarriage. She was 12 wks pregenant when we found out that she had a blighted ovum (the egg was fertilized, but a baby never formed). We both were very excited and happy about the pregnancy (we had been trying to get pregnant for 8 months or so).<p>After finding out about the status of the pregnancy, we went out of town for the weekend and had scheduled a D&C for the following week. While we were out of town my wife started the miscarriage & I had to take her to a hospital for an emergency D&C. following the m/c she had several medical problems (ovarian cysts) and her OB/GYN placed her back on birth control to regulate her hormones and stop the cysts.<p>During this time she had gotten very "ill" and rather "short tempered" with me. I assumed that it was just due to her hormones being out of sync., and pretty much ignored the sharp coments and all.<p>The night before my birthday, she told me that she wasn't happy with our relationship, and the fact that we didn't communicate with each other the way she felt we should. She said that she wanted us to change this before our marriage got worse.<p>The next 2 days I tried to get her to talk with me about what was wrong, so that we could get our marriage back on track. However, when I did she would hardly talk about it. The second night she said that she wanted to go stay at her parent's for a "couple of days". (she hasn't stayed home any since the night she left on 11/11).<p>She pretty much tells me that it's not me that is the problem that it is "all her". She has admitted that whe we are together in a "safe" setting, with friends or in public that she feels ok. When we are alone she feels as though she can't stand to be with me. She has finally admitted that the main reason she is uncomfortable being "alone" with me is that she feel that I will want to have sex and that she does not want to. <p>Several of ladies I have "chatted" with on a Pregnancy Loss BB have all told me that this is very common after a miscarriage. So I have pretty much believed that the m/c is the basis of our problem.<p>After reading your post and the follow-ups, I now wonder if it is the m/c or something else. I have read Dr. Harley's concepts and all and realize that there are areas which need improvement in our relationship, however for the most part our relationship consists of one where we both tried to meet each other's emotional needs.<p>We have been going to a counselor (4th session was today), and have pretty much decided not to return to her anymore. She pretty much listened to what we had to say but did not offer any suggestions or plan on saving our marriage.<p>She acts very much like you described your feelings in that when I try to be nice and understanding to her she creates more distance saying that I am "smothering her".<p>Last week I told her that if things didn't change I was going to an attorney. She stated that she didn't want that, but that she still was not sure she wanted to work things out. We comprimised by me going and staying with her at her parents. Things were going pretty good for the next 2 days until we went to our next counseling session. The counselor stated that I was giving ultimatums and that if I wanted to go to an attorney then that was my "problem" not hers, and that she shouldn't worry if I did or not. Two days of improvement went down the drain in less than 1 hour.<p>We decided today after our last session to try to find another counselor. When I talked to her OB/GYN this past Monday and told him our status, he told me that I needed to try and get her to see a Psychiatrist. He feels that she is suffering from severe depression due to the loss of the baby and the fact that she has never acknowledged the grief of that loss. He has had her on an anti-depressant since 11/19 however she says that it's not helping any.<p>What worries me is that along with her "confusion" and doubts as to her desire to work things out or not, she has been doing things which I (and her family) feel are indicitave of self-destructive tendencies.<p>I am just totally confused. I want to think that it a result of the m/c, but then I read your post and now I want to know if that's it or not.

Shery,<p>How are you doing? How are things going? Haven't heard from you lately?

Thanks to everyone who responded to my topic; I never thought I would get such an overwhelming response. Please refer to my "update" reply at topic "To Shery, las, and Janet" (posted by Disillusioned).

There are a lot of posts to this, must be a hot topic-- or better yet one that everyone of us can identify with. <br>I think I might be in the same boat as Shery's H. Shery, just for confirmation, I really do love my wife, even though I may not physically show it to her all the time. So your H is probably telling you the truth when he says that he loves you. <br>What may be happening to him as I think it is with me, is that I am remembering how easy it was to be single. Go where I want, when I want, and don't have to tell anyone or be accountable to anyone. Dating and courting are as easy as being grandparents-- all of the joys with none of the responsibilities! Then when we get married, it seems like the "magic" dies, when in reality the "work" just reveals itself, and that can be quite intimidating to a lot of people especially men. <br>To be totally honest I have no idea of what might help you, I wish I did cause it might help me too, but I do agree with some of the others who say that when he is one of his unloving moods, don't fight fire with fire-- it won't work. <br>Good luck!

There are a lot of posts to this, must be a hot topic-- or better yet one that everyone of us can identify with. <br>I think I might be in the same boat as Shery's H. Shery, just for confirmation, I really do love my wife, even though I may not physically show it to her all the time. So your H is probably telling you the truth when he says that he loves you. <br>What may be happening to him as I think it is with me, is that I am remembering how easy it was to be single. Go where I want, when I want, and don't have to tell anyone or be accountable to anyone. Dating and courting are as easy as being grandparents-- all of the joys with none of the responsibilities! Then when we get married, it seems like the "magic" dies, when in reality the "work" just reveals itself, and that can be quite intimidating to a lot of people especially men. <br>To be totally honest I have no idea of what might help you, I wish I did cause it might help me too, but I do agree with some of the others who say that when he is one of his unloving moods, don't fight fire with fire-- it won't work. <br>Good luck!

Hi all...<br>Just a word of help from someone who has not necessarily found enlightenment, but has found some gems that REALLY DO WORK. In my travels, I find that the following relationship tips can transform your circumstances, with almost immediate improvements:<p>1) If your spouse is being distant, unloving, disagreeable, or unappreciative, do not try to convince them that you are worth it. It appears more that you are trying to convince yourself and it is unbecoming. Give them space. Acknowledge their feelings of being distant or sick of you, and agree with them that it is a normal response, because everyone DOES feel that way sometimes. It is hurtful or shocking to us, but it is not a reflection of our self worth.<p>2)If your spouse is acting this way and treating you as if you have lost your appeal, then say it's fine, but that you still feel just as wonderful about yourself as ever. You think you are hot stuff. REMEMBER: others see you the way you see yourself. If you are a wife, then put on a little makeup that day, and a cute outfit, and go flirt with the nieghbor by the mailbox. Of course you have no intention of cheating, and you assure your H of that. But how can you help feeling beautiful? You are! If you feel sexy and others feel that you are sexy, then eventually your spouse will be inspired to look for that sexiness again. It's not just sexiness. It's a positive feeling about yourself. That you deserve things, that you are lovable, that you are the person he married, whether your looks have changed or not. Be sure of yourself, or no one else will. Make yourself feel good. Go to a matinee and laugh your head off. Have lunch with a pal, even if you're broke and it has to be a picnic of tunafish sandwiches. Go to the supermarket and buy some flowers for the livingroom. You're a champ! REMEMBER: smiling makes you feel good. It makes you happier. See a funny movie. The act of smiling releases endorphins that create happiness, it's true. Then you smile more, and create more endorphins..it's wonderful! BUT don't frown for more than a few minutes even when you are in a terrible mood because frowning creates a cycle of negative hormones also. We can influence our feelings by simply deciding to start being happier, and then making ourselves start smiling more often. If your spouse sees a smile on your face, even in the midst of his rotten mood, he can only conclude that you are strong, full of life and independent....a person he is lucky to have around.<p>3)DON'T obsess over your spouse's feelings. That adds to his guilt, and his guilt makes him resent you. It is a vicious cycle. Your whole attitude should be that you still have a life even when he isn't feeling attracted to you, and if he changes his mind and decides to join in the fun again, then he will be welcome. If he decides not to come, have a great time on your own, then come home and tell him a joke.<p>4) Treat him as if he were a perfectly reasonable person for feeling this way. Remember: everyone does it sometimes. We can get sick of each other. Butterflies come and go a hundred times in a normal, healthy marriage. But you still believe in yourself and in your ability to have a great marriage. Remember, when you YOURSELF get that distant feeling: this too shall pass and you will once again be in love with the person you married, because you want to. You have built a life together and you have a history. You may have children, the ultimate expression of love. And because if you ditch this relationship, undoubtedly, you will regret it at some future date. A person who agreed to spend a lifetime with YOU is indeed the smartest person around, don't you think?<p>4) This works for dating as well as marriage. In fact, it is a very healthy practice and it could be the deciding factor that makes your spouse think you are a strong person, and really THE ONE!<p>5)If you start to get sick of your spouse, then tell him about this. That he needs to have some alone time to do the things that make him feel good, the things that make him himself, the person you chose. Tell him to go have a good time for a while, and refill his cup of life and laughter and love, so that he will have some vivaciousness to show you when you are together. If a person cannot do this, it is a sign that they may be depressed. It is crucial to be supportive of a depressed individual. Reassure the person that they are still great, just having a rough time, and it will pass like all things do. Tell them that you have faith in their strength and ability to see the good.<p>6) Husbands, you can reverse the pronouns and take this to be true vice-versa. It happens to both sexes and the response should always be the same: positive.<p>7) Sometimes it's important to put down the self help books. You can start to really obsess, and a worry wort is never the most attractive person in the room. Just love yourself, point out your good qualities and concentrate on them every morning for a few minutes. A great way to make yourself perk up: do something for somebody else who you don't even know. Bring something to the food shelter. Offer to rake the lawn for an elderly person in your neighborhood, tell them you really need the exercise. Be imaginative because the possibilities are endless. Strength and happiness are the sexiest, most attractive qualities a person can have. Tending to your SELF insures that you have something to give. Always let your spouse know he/she is the apple of your eye. Always let them know that you enjoy contributing to what you two have built together.<p>8) Even if you aren't able to save your marriage, remember that you will know you gave it your best shot, and that will always be a source of pride for you. Learning how to be a healthier, happier person is something you will never regret and these skills can get you through some hard times. Beleive me, I know. Also, knowing that your level of attractiveness truly depends on your attitude will hasten you on your way to the relationship that will last forever.<p>9) LASTLY but not least: if you are the person who is feeling distant and negative, try this on for size: Your spouse is made of PURE GOLD. The minute that you forget this, some other unknown stranger will realize it and then you will face some serious competition. Things are never exactly as they appear. Don'y take your spouse for granted. EVER.

To Kitty--<p>You really hit the nail on the head with your reply--how did you explain it so well anyway??? <p>

Mitch wrote: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What may be happening to him as I think it is with me, is that I am remembering how easy it was to be single. Go where I want, when I want, and don't have to tell anyone or be accountable to anyone. Dating and courting are as easy as being grandparents-- all of the joys with none of the responsibilities! Then when we get married, it seems like the "magic" dies, when in reality the "work" just reveals itself, and that can be quite intimidating to a lot of people especially men.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><p>This is exactly what my H has decided, in addition to having a "slug" (OW) in his life. That he left me because he wanted the freedom to come and go as he pleased - without having to answer to anyone. That he wasn't in love with me anymore, and didn't want the responsibility of working on a marriage.<p>If someone can come up with an answer, solution or suggestions on how to deal with this issue, I'd very much welcome it!<p>terri

to terri-<br>So your husband has left and now he is undoubtedly with his slug, right? Guess what's going to happen now? She's going to feel like she finally has him all to herself and she's going to turn into a whole lot of WORK. That's what ALWAYS happens. Even if it takes a long while.<br>My uncle left my aunt, his wife of thirty years, and actually married his slug within a month. Now he is sorry. Because he is stuck being married to someone who has no respect for marriage and guess what she likes? Paycheck, paycheck, paycheck. She does not work but has three children whom she expects my uncle to support. She won't let my uncle see his own son, daughter, or grandson whom he raised, because he might run into his first wife. How long do you think it lasted? He is banging down the door trying to come back to my aunt and she just says, "Prove to me that you're sincere. I'm taking my time and I think I need to date others to see if you're still the one, after all that you've done."<br>Now is a good time for you to focus on what a wonderful person you are. Get a new aerobics tape for the VCR and do it every day. Even if you don't need to lose weight or get in shape, it will do wonders for your energy and mood. Also ask for gift certificates for a new wardrobe when it comes to holidays or birthdays. You need a serious pick me up.When you see your ex with his slug, just feel pretty, then honk and wave. Don't take your foot off the accelerator for a second. <br>It might sound ridiculous, but the more you appear to be trying to work things out with him at this stage of the game, the more he will put up resistance. Don't feel bad about yourself. Read my previous post. Girl, it worked for me and I wasn't even married at the time. My mate came back with a ringbox in his hand. It also worked for my aunt and it will work for you. OTHERS SEE YOU THE WAY YOU SEE YOURSELF. Change how you see yourself. From now on, you are a smart, funny, beautiful princess who men adore, and you can't help but love yourself. This is no joke.

My husband just told me last night that the feelings he has for me is like he would have for a friend. He doesn't love me like he used to. We have been married for only 6 months now. I have a son from a previous relationship and my husband and I have a newborn daughter. Since we have been married, we've lived with family. Which is not easy. We have lost sight of our feelings. I'm not sure how to find them again. Since we do have kids, it is very difficult to have time alone. He has left me a few times before, but always came back. I want to go to counseling to see if this is gonna work or not, but I'm not really sure if he wants to. I did email him today and told him about the topics I found here. He read them. It's so weird, yet a little comforting knowing that other couples are going through the same thing as us. But we are not sure how to go about this. He feels like our marriage is wrong. It doesn't feel right for him. It feels right to me (when we aren't going through this). I just don't understand why it can feel differently for each of us. I love him so much. But during all of our moves from one parents house to another (and a sister's house), we have lost the romance and passion. How do we get it back? Where do we start? I know right now that I don't want to lose him. But I think he is ready to give up.<p>When we first got married, he didn't believe in God. Now, since our daughter has been born, he has changed. The thing is, he is checking out a different kind of church than what I have always known. Nothing bad. Just different. He says that the differences in our beliefs is a major concern. I have offered to go to this church and check it out. Maybe I will convert with time. He says that that is not right. I shouldn't do it for him. But, I'm not gonna go with the thought that I will definitely convert because I might lose him if I don't. That is not it at all. He thinks that is what I'm doing. I just want to check out something that he likes and believes in. That's all. Just like any other thing. Is that wrong? <p>I'm not quite sure what else to say. This has been going on for the whole time we have been married. One day, everything is okay. The next, it "feels wrong" and he should get out. I just don't understand.<p>Please help me out if you can. Tell me if I'm wrong in what I'm thinking or whatever. Just help!!

I can't help but think there are bigger issues lurking here...I am separated from my husband, who sounds like YOUR husband - are we married to the same guy? Anyway, I truly PRAYED that God would reveal what was at the root of the problem - I couldn't believe that a man would turn away affection...it is NOT all about us, they have issues for sure. Well, what is a big part of the lack of sex drive in my case in my husband being involved with porno - specifically internet. There is a book called "An Affair Of The Mind" - get that, and if that is YOUR husband's issue or one of them, it will be an eye opener. Especially telling is this expectation that the "right" person will make everything wine and roses - people that are porno addicts live in a fantasy world, and reality is never able to live up to the fantasy. Just a thought - but no matter what, there is SOMETHING that is driving your husband, and you can't DO anything to "make" him love you - as has been spoken about in many well-written previous posts! GOod luck..we both need it!llp

My husband is leaving for good this time. I told him that he better be sure cause I'm not gonna sit around and wait for him to change his mind and come back to me. He has done this alot in our brief time of marriage. And as much as I want him to change his mind and come back, I just think of how I'm feeling right now. It hurts so much. We got married too soon. Way too soon. We didn't know each other very well. In fact, we met through the internet. Was married 2 months later. I was pregnant with my second child and he became father to her. That was a lot of pressure. And us being so young, we haven't lived life to its fullest in our single period. But, now that we're married, I just figured he'd at least want to try counseling and be really sure before he walks out of our once happy marriage. I feel like he owes me at least that much. To stick around long enough to figure this out. How can I even want to try another relationship down the road if I'm not sure what happened in this one? Right now, I'm thinking it is best not to even think about another relationship. It's gonna be awhile before I get over this one (if that ever happens). Last night I cried myself to sleep. I ended up sleeping downstairs cause it was so hard lying next to him knowing that as soon as the weather clears up, he is gone. (We have lots of snow here) I just wanna be in his arms even though I'm hurt and upset by his decision. Am I crazy? Am I totally out of mind by wanting to still be with him and loving him so much? How is it that men can just turn off their "faucet" of feelings and we are stuck trying to twist and turn our knobs to turn ours off? Why does it work that way? I wish he could understand what this feels like. You know what is weird? I prayed so hard for him to come back last time he left. I didn't bother him or ask him to come back. Then, one day, he asked if I wanted to go out with him. I did and then he came home. He said he missed me. I told myself that if he didn't come back by Christmas, then I would give up the thought of him coming back and it would be over. Guess what? He was back before Christmas. So, I thought it was truly meant to be. We were supposed to be together. But now, he says that we are different faiths and that won't work. So, now I feel like it was God that we were together and now it is because of God that we aren't. Does that make sense to anyone? I don't even think about praying this time. Look where it got me last time. My husband, best friend and lover is walking out of that door any day now and won't be back. How do I get through this? What is the next step? We are going to get our marriage anulled as soon as we can. (I hate thinking about that.) I just don't know what is gonna happen next. What am I to do?

hi all,<br>i have been sitting here reading the posts for this subject. i can identify with them all because two days after christmas...after 12 years of marriage...my husband told me that he didn't think he loved me anymore. what a shock it was....i had no idea this would happen. we have had a great marriage with it's usual ups and downs. we have always been best friends..able to tell each other anything. it has literally been hell since then. he won't tell me why he feels the way he does...if i have done something or said something to make him feel this way. he told his daughter(16) that he felt like i didn't need him anymore and that we have grown apart. i told him that i love him and need him and don't want to lose him as many times as i can. he told a friend that he loved me but he didn't think i needed him anymore. we have both cried a lot....and he still can't tell me what is in his heart. he has told me that he didn't mean to hurt me, that he was dieing inside and that he wanted to crawl in a hole and die. i told him that i wanted to make this marriage work and that we could go talk to someone....he won't because he says he doesn't want them laying blame. what does this mean? if i am to blame then i want to be responsible for the mess we are in and start to fix it. how can i start to repair this if i don't even know what is going on here. i know there is no other woman...he is always home. he says he doesn't want a divorce....he says that he is scared to try and make this work cuz if it doesn't he doesn't want me to end up hating him....he won't tell me if he thinks our marriage is worth saving. he won't talk to anyone...me least of all. he is carrying this inside. <p>there are a lot of things i think that have gotten him to this point. we had a business that he was not that active in...he has a job that is very stressful and i didn't want to bother him with more stress so i took it upon myself to make decisions. i have since sold the company and thought things were getting better for us when he hit me with it. i also think that i put so much attention into the business that i didn't make him my priority and he also told me the closer he tried to get to me the further he felt we were growing apart. i also pushed him away when he tried to touch me...we have a teenager in the house with paper thin walls...her room is right next to ours. i didn't give myself to him as he wanted when he wanted. we were both busy with work and never took time for ourselves. i think i made him feel like i didn't need him and now he is pushing me away because he thinks i can do better without him. he told me this. but now he is totally withdrawn and won't talk to anyone. i need help on how to make him realize that i do love him and need him and don't want to lose him......even though i have told him this repeatedly.<p>i tried to give him a hug and a kiss last night and he didn't reciprocate either. i went in the bedroom and cried. i am trying to do things around the house but am afraid if i do too much that he will think that i don't need him.<p>i am waiting for a call from one of his friends...i called him last night thinking that maybe he would have talked to him....they have been close for years. only to find out that he hasn't said anything to him. he(the friend) is supposed to confront him today and see if he can find out what is going on in his head. please say a prayer for me.<p>mistysnow

I<p>[This message has been edited by Mary2 (edited 03-11-99).]

I have read this entire section this afternoon. Are there any success stories out there? My husband of 15 years told me 6 wks ago that he wasn't happy and didn't think he loves me anymore. We've had a wonderful marriage until then. I was so shocked to hear him say this! I love him with everything I have and want to try to "solve the problem". Some of the replies I read have been so helpful. I am so hurt, although I appreciate him sharing his feelings with me and giving me the opportunity to make needed changes. I listened to things he said for a couple of weeks and realized that it's not only me, he is depressed. He had to go to the Dr. for something else and the Dr. gave him some medication. After 3 weeks, I can see him coming around, but he still says he doesn't love me. Although he says this, he is still at home and calls me and we have an enjoyable sex life. He says that it's killing him that he might not ever get the feelings back for me that he once had and how will I handle it if he wants out. I am so confused, I just want what we had back. (only better!) He told me "You fall in love, and you fall out of love" and I told him you can fall back in love. He said "I hope so". Do you think that is a good sign? Maybe when you are depressed, you don't really know how you feel, or you can't feel love for someone. I just want to be there for him, we have a lot of years invested in this relationship. Also, he is 46, does anyone feel this has anything to do with his age? Maybe a hormonal or midlife crises sort of thing?