I'm looking for advice on way to proceed in regards to my x having visitation with the kids.<P>I guess I screwed up in the divorce in that I did not have a specific arrangment for times of visitation. The minimum visitation arrangment statement is in there if we don't agree.<P>The problem: My x won't communicate with me as to what time she will pickup and drop off the kids. Also, her idea of weekend is differnt from mine.<P>Last weekend, x asked if she could have the kids the next two weekends, I said yes. As of this time of the post she has yet to tell me when she is picking them up or will be bringing them home.<P>She did tell our d that she will pick her up on Sat. I asked d what time and she said she didn't know as x has to pick son up at grandmothers.<P>Now d is almost 13 so she is old enough to stay alone. My plans for tommorow are go golfing in early am and then I need to visit a jobsite tommorrow for work. There is a specific time I need to be there.<P>Also d has eye appointment on Mon morning. I called x to ask if she is taking d or do I need to arrange work schedule so I will. X has to work on Mon from 7-7 but she won't tell me if its am to pm or pm to am. <P>X hasn't returned my call so I guess she is out for the day.<P>I guess I need to sit down with x and hash this out and refuse visitation other than minmimum.<P>The reason I want to do this is so I can plan my life around when the kids aren't here. X accuses me of trying to control her.<P>My biggest fears are x will file for custody and since she is the mother I will lose them or that she will take the kids and leave them around om while she works. Neither of these options are good.<P>We don't seem to be able to talk calmly without me saying something and her reacting angrily.<P>I talked with my [censored]'t church pastor and she said I should quit talking with my x and do what is right for me. I don't think going to war with the x will be beneficial for the kids. <P>I do want the kids to spend time with their mother but she only wants them when she wants them. She hasn't seen d since Sun or even talked to her as far as I know, bbut only talked to her for 2 mins today. She could have had her tonite but made no plans. I don't know id she is working or what.<P>The kids are crazy about going over either. I don't disuade them and they don't ask to go over. D rode her bike over one day last week but that has been it. The kids almots never call her.<P>How can I get x to agree to communicate with me in regards to the visitation?

RWD,<P>Follow the visitation guidelines, it saves alot of heartache for the children and gives you "exact" times. It is her responsibility to call if she can't comply.<P>Every other weekend....6pm on Friday to 6pm on Sunday.<P>One day a week for 3 hours. Ours in Wednesday 5-8pm. <P>You have to have some visitation stability, if not for the children, at least for yourself.<P>The courts do not frown on their own guidelines...so don't worry.<P>If worse comes to worse....send her a certified letter with all of this in it. Tell her this is in the best interest of everyone involved here. Your ex needs to take some responsibilty for "your" children. I don't mean to be critical, but she needs to start acting like a "mom".<P>Nancy

Nancy,<P>Three hours? You mean there are fathers out there who are actually willing to spend that long with their kids during the week? My H takes them to dinner for almost exactly 1 hr and 15 minutes.<P>The kids keep asking me questions like why won't Dad take them on Friday anymore, when he said he was just stopping temporarily, why was he 3 hours late without calling until it was already 2 hours late, why does he almost never do anything extra with them ....<P>Too bad, from the children's perspective anyway, that the courts can't force the NCP to take at least minimum visitation.

RWD:<BR>Do the courts set out version....you need this and so do the kids. X will always play it when "it suits her" and you will be left hanging. Not good for you or kids really either.<P>The latest here is that @SShole bought a house with ow 5 blocks away...mainly to lure d there to spend time with ow I think.<P>D has lied to me and told me that she has been at a friend after camp each day.Just found out she is at sl#t and dad's house. I do not have address or phone #!!!!<P>So d has been irresponsible and deviant aided and abetted by her dad...who will not communicate with me AT ALL. He manipulated other 3 (boys who have got through this) and is now working on the last hold out to his "life vision" and working this poor kid hard.<P>The truth is so comes home with attitude and anger...all out at me and tonight she left for "his weekend " telling me that I was not the custodial parent and could not do anything! <P>I told her with her attitude she had better rethink the way she behaves, because she cannot lie, be defiant etc and continue to live here. With the values and morals ow and H are living and modelling, this child is so confused and angry and frankly I am so weary of this mess. (This has been an ongoing battle with her and the therapist is actively involved)

Nellie,<P>No, He doesn't spend the 3 hours with them. I just said that his visitation according to the guidelines is 3 hours. He can hardly keep them through dinner....that is if he even takes them to get something to eat.<P>Usually it is to the park....where he sits and reads the newspaper or talks on his cell phone while the girls play. Sometimes....he will take them on the trails....but 9 out of 10 times he has his trusty phone to his ear.<P>And sometimes if the girls are extra good...he will drive them around and tell them what an ******* their mother is. Gee, aren't they lucky<P>Nancy

Well, I called x and asked what time she was picking up d tommorrow. She was vague saying she wasn't sure what time she would be back. <P>I told her she hadn't given me a time when she was picking up or dropping off. She said she had signed up for extra work on Mon and wouldn't be able to take d to eye appointment if she got called in and would I be able to do it. I said I was working and she said we could reschedule it. She also said she would pay, but she is responsible for that anyway.<P>I said all I was looking for was a time when she was picking up and dropping off, nothing else. She then got all defensive and said she would pick d at around 4 tommorrow and drop them off Mon around noon or sooner if she got called into work.<P>She then got all defensive saying she had just started a new job working full time. I reminded her that I work full time all the time and she asked why that was relevant as this was new job for her. She forgets that I started working for a new company last year when I went through all this mess. She said she hadn't even gotten an schedule yet so she couldn't tell me when she wanted the kids.<P>She also said I wasn't communicating either, not telling her about ballgames. I gave hera schedule and have let her know when the games are. She said but I only gave her a day's notice. I have told her as soon as I find out. She complained about getting more notice and I told her Ilet her know as soon as I find out. I told her they always do it this way and she said it was stupid. I told her thats the way its always been, (last minute notices) and she said that it is still stupid(good argument eh!).<P>She then said she would give me her schedule with her time with the kids. I thanked her and she hung up.<P>SHe didn't say why she didn't make it to d game. She called when thre game started and said she had to get a kitten from her cousin who lives in town. That doesn't explain why she still couldn't have made it to part.<P>Well I guess this is a start. I'll have to see how long she keeps up with the end of her bargin.<P><BR>

IMHO, you need to stick to the court ordered parenting time (I hate the "v" word).<P>I would also make sure that I documented all of the time she spends. I have every minute my stbx has spent with the children since our seperation documented on a spreadsheet. Call me paranoid, but she just filed for primary custody because I moved them back to our home town. The documentation will show that she has not been an involved parent since the breakup. I want her to spend time with the kids, but not be primary custodian.<P>Almost got off on a rant there. Be firm but liberal, document, and maybe you should go back to court to further clarify the parenting schedule.

Bob,<P>SOrry for the slow reply, life is in turmoil for me these days!<P>I don't have time to read all the replies before mine, so I appologize if I repeat anyone, but I want to reply to you before I sign off.<P>I would suggest, going back to court and modifying your order. Something to the effect of the SPECIFIC days, so example,every other Saturday from noon until Sunday at 5. However you chose it, it can be stated that the ex has to call you 24 hours before, just to state she is coming (so you have time to pack, etc), then she has half an hour leeway, which means, if she is not there by 12:30pm, she lost her visit, you can go about your day and not worry about her.<P>Obviously if she does that, your plans get screwed up, but right now their getting screwed up anyhow. Not only that, but you will want to determine your holidays now too since those will be an issue soon.<P>You may even be able to contact your divorce attorney, have him draw up your proposal and submit it to hers and stay out of court.<P>COURT===PLease, don't remind me, who wants to go there again right?<P>It is unfair to you, but most importantly the children. There is NO excuse to not communicate on their behalf. They deserve to have some stability left after this nightmare.<P>My ex and I are communicating ok for the time being. We have traded days and been cooperative so far on visitation. I can't tell if he's coming back to reality or just lost his mind another step further, but I am LESS stressed when he and I don't fight.<P>I hope I didn't repeat anyone's reply. Also, in the meantime, I guess I'd say, stick to the minimum agreed on and don't agree on anything til she agrees to something more fair to you both.<P>Good luck, I'll check back soon, Prayers , Dana<BR>

X stopped in on Sat to pick up d and s wanted to say hello(I hadn't seen him since Thurs. nite).<P>And guess what, she APPOLOGIZED for not giving me times. She said she will do it for now on, but immediately started with the excuses. She said she is just starting this new job and she is getting used to it and her schedule isn't complete, etc. She said her other job was always so structured and this one isn't. I think she is filling in when needed so her schedule is the last to be made. She was always very structured. She was always very time oriented like I am( We were never late for anything and usually the first ones there.) She said she is learning to be less structured and carefree. (MLC crap if you ask me!)<P>She said she didn't know her Aug schedule as of yet but will let me know.<P>She stopped today with s for him to get something and I asked her if she wanted the kids next weekend (she had asked me last week)and she said yes. I had to ask her when. She said she works Fri she thinks, so it would be Sat and Sun, but maybe just Sat nite because she has to work Mon, but she wasn't sure. She said she would give me a written copy of when she would take the kids.<P>I think it just comes down to when she feels like taking them and that is why she is having trouble committing to a time. If something comes up that her and om want to do, she will do that because she has a free, trusted babysitter, me, to watch the kids.<P>But you know what, I would rather put my life on hold for a while rather than have the kids around om and their mother whose head is in the clouds and not really thinking of them.<P>Nancy,<BR>I screwed up in that exact times weren't set up unless we can't agree and then it would be the minimal. She is only barely seeing them more than that. I'm afraid if I say no to her seeing them unless its on the assigned times, she will tell the kids that I won't let her see them. Also since she works weekends, it would not be exactly fair to have part of her weekend to watch them be when she is at work. She had threatened last year to take the kids and just get a babysitter or my worse fear would be for her om to watch them. <P>You are right, she is not acting like a mom. I'm not sure what you would call it. A big sister. She just takes the kids where they want to go. She really doesn't do "anything" with them.<P>grandpabri,<BR>Again, there is no set visitation unless we don't agree. Also I'm a staunch Republican and I can't be liberal(LOL).<P>Dana,<BR>I guess I'll give her another chance to see if she gets her act together with this new work schedule.<P>take care all,<P>Bob

Bob,<P>We have nothing exact in our divorce decree either. For a man that put us through hell for over a year concerning custody issues and after 15,000 dollars of attorney fees for me alone....he only asked for minimum visitation according to the guidelines stated in our county.<P>Ours is if the mid week day can't be decided upon than Wednesday is to used from 5-8. We never discussed it...never....he just said that Wednesday is the day and 5-8 is the time. I pretty much give in if the girls want to go with him. Not that that has happened....but I will always give leeway. One time he picked them up 35 minutes late. By law.....I could have refused visitation....but I sent the girls out . But he did not return until almost 9 pm. I was not happy. But I did not even give him a clue to it. Of course since I said nothing....he has never done it again. LOL<P>It has come to my attention that he will do anything he can to get at me.<P>Nancy

Sounds to me like you need to go back in and have some times set up. Maybe you could put something in there about the two of you need to exchange work schedules as soon as you get them. Then, if her days off change, she gets the kids on her days off from X to X. But I think it needs to be more structured. I have also heard of some putting in the order if the recieving party is 30 minutes late, they forfeit the time.<P>My firm but liberal comment comes from my own experience. I have bent over backward to have my stbx spend time with the kids. Even so, she rarely sees them all of the time she is allowed.<P>As for being a Republican (or a Democrat, for that matter), we all make mistakes in life. <P>Keep doing what is best for those kids. They will come to appreciate that you were the one there for them.