Hello everyone.<br>Its been a few weeks since I last posted. My original story was in "My wife's not sure she wants to be married (#1)". After living together with my wife for over a year after finding out her true feelings towards me - Loss of passion and intimacy, basically seeing me as little more than a best friend, it has come time for more drastic measures. I have decided to leave for a short period of time and allow her the taste of independence that she desires to try. She has told me that she feels that this will allow her to see what it is she has in front of her and learn to appreciate me again.<br>My story is long so I won't go into it. She basically doesn't know what she wants. I'm planning on spending my first night away on Monday. At this point in time, I'm not scared or feeling any pain, which surprises me. Maybe its because for the first time in a year, I'm actually doing something to try and better our situation. Before I was just in limbo, waiting for her feelings for me to change. Constantly filling the love bank and not receiving anything back. This separation will hopefully bring an answer. One way or the other.<br>If I start to freak out next week, you guys will be the first to know. I know you'll help. As you have in the past.<br>Thanks for the ear. <p>Greg

Greg,<br>Maybe this will help both of you. She will get to see what she has in you. Maybe it will shock her a little. Maybe not. All us "My wife's not sure she wants to be married (#1)" alumna are with you.

Greg,<p>My prayers are with you and her. I hope her eyes will be opened to what she has. I think you are calm because you are doing what you should do at this time. Keep us posted. <p>Steph

Greg,<p>I'm about to do the move out thing myself, so I'll be especially interested in your situation.

I hope this separation helps your wife discover the "buried" love she has for you. You gave me strength through my ordeal! I thank you (and all the others from your original post) for your support and encouragment. I really do not think I could have made it through my crisis without your support. I feel very lucky that my situation has improved! I pray yours will come to resolution soon!<p>Good Luck!

Thank you everyone for responding.<br>My wife and I spoke last night till 3:00 AM about our situation. I made her realize that she hasn't put much effort into repairing our marriage. She actually thought that by just staying with me that she was putting out 100%. But nothing was done on her behalf to better any aspect of our problems. Our first trip to counseling, 10 months ago, brought a revalation to her, a sense of realizing herself. She has done nothing since then but indulge in herself. Putting our marriage and it's problems on the "back burner". I told her that there is nothing wrong with being into yourself. A healthy marriage can survive on the "back burner" and be there to help support you on your different quests. Ours can not survive. By pointing this out, she has agreed to go back to counseling with me. But she still wants to go through the separation. That's OK. I feel that this separation will only bring us closer. I hope.<br>But I am happy about returning to a counselor.<br>Question. <br>It seems that the only thing lacking in our marriage is passion and intimacy. Should we see someone that spacializes in those areas or just see a standard marriage counselor first?<br>Thanks again everyone!<br>Greg<p>Bruce <br>Hang in there Bud!<br>Know that what you are doing is felt by her. It will make an impact.<br>Greg

Well I'm in the third day of this separation. I haven't freaked out yet. Still pretty calm and confident that this is the right thing to do. I've only spent one night away - monday. My wife was unable to get someone to teach her 5:45 AM class this morning and also friday morning so she has asked me to spend the nights before so I can be there to watch our 3 yr old in the morning. Last night she expected me to sleep in the same bed with her, as always. But after I rubbed her feet, I grabbed my pillow and went to the living room. She asked me what I was doing. I told her that I'm trying to stay in-line with the idea of separation. It was hard. I wanted to lay next to her so badly. But I felt I did the right thing. This morning she asked me how I slept. I said OK. She told me I should sleep in the bed next time. I didn't answer her. <br>I'm worried about her having me as a convenience. Our normal routine was: My wife teaches spinning(cycle)classes about 4 times a week. Mondays and Tuesdays she teaches at 5:30 PM and she takes our daughter with her. My work is only 1 mile from the gym so I get off work at 5:30, swing by the gym and pick up my daughter and head home. My wife will either teach another class afterwards or workout and then come home around 8 or 9 PM. The early morning classes she can leave the child because I am home(asleep)- so no worries on her part.<br>My question is: Do I continue to make myself available? I can't complain about the time I get to spend with my little girl, but is it defeating the purpose of leaving? I think so. <br>I feel that this week was more of a transition for my wife. But if it continues, I think I should say something.<br>Any comments?<p>Thanks again to all of you. Best of luck!<br>Greg

Greg,<p>Gee, I don't know what to tell you. I know where you're coming from, and am inclined to agree. But I see what you're doing as my very near future. I can see myself taking the boys often just to be around them. I can see myself driving past the house to make sure things are ok. I can see myself doing all sorts of things out of an impulse to not let an undue burden be on my wife.<br>Yes, I know she's the one asking for separation, and that she might need to experience the full weight of what that entails. But how will I balance that against my continuing responsibility to look after my family. I'm monitoring your situation hoping for some insight.<br>Don't mean to use you as a guinea pig, but one tires of being in uncharted territory. Anything one can find to make it easier is too attractive to pass up.

Greg,<p>I don't know what your arrangements are for you but if your wife needs you to have your daughter in the morning then I would offer to let the daughter spend the night with you. This way you still get the time with your daughter and you have her but it will still affect your wife because the child would not be at home. At three years old she would see this as an adventure and I think you could do it with little affect on her. Just a thought. I'm glad things seem to be going well. <p>Steph

Greg: It seems to me that your wife is in a state of denial about what is actually going on with the two of you. It is unfair of her to want her 'space' yet it's okay for you to be in that space at bedtime! If she was totally aware of what was going on she would realise that it is inappropriate for her to expect you to sleep beside her, as hard as that is for you not to. I don't think she is showing you respect and is lacking consideration re your feelings. While it would seem to be no big deal for you to continue to sleep in the same bed to her, it is of much greater relevance to you at this time. <p>I think she needs to step outside herself for a moment and look at it from your perspective as if the situation was reversed.<p>Also, I have just been reading the concepts of Marriage Builders and really find everything that is being said so insightful and gives me so much more objectivity, humility and sensitivity towards my own husband and how I now realise I have been in the past few years. Has she read any of the afforementioned? If not, maybe you could encourage her to do so.<p>I feel that your wife needs to have her request fulfilled and the earlier post suggesting that you take your daughter to your place is a very good one. Your wife may get a taste of the reality she is asking for. To continue going home is not doing either of you any favours in the long run. <p>I wish you well and feel that you are getting the short end of the stick.<p>The best of luck. <p>Fionn

Greg,<p>I think this is going to come out the wrong way but please take it with the support I mean it. <p>You and your wife have your daughter. Do not lose sight of how important that is. You and your wife are tied together forever because of your daughter.(birthdays,graduations,wedding,christmases.etc.) If this relationship doesn't work the next one will be even harder because of the history you have with your wife.<p>I seperated from my wife for a short time and then returned and slept in the spare room for a time and finally back into our bed where we both belong. We are both going to counselling. Seperatly for a while and then we will go together. We have commited to each other that our family is worth everything and unhappiness or not we will make it work. The interesting thing is that we are not unhappy any more. We still have a very long way to go to get back on track but we just realized we are having fun trying. We are working on communicating about everything.Really working. We even discuss how hard we are working. We are slowly falling in love with each other again. We are rediscovering what it was that we loved about each other in the first place.<p>I hope you can make it work in your family. Being seperated may not be a bad thing but seperate and stay close. Sometimes seperation can introduce new problems that can really get in the way of fixing things..<p>My fingers are crossed and my prayers are with you. Best of luck.<p>Mic<br>

Wow, great comments!<br>You guys are awesome.<br>I'm trying to comply with her desire to try separation. But she seems to be realizing how much I am a part of her everyday life. I have now only spent 2 nights away. Today she asked if I wanted to do something with them tonight. Told me to call her when I got to "my place"(sounds so wierd). Of course I want to be with them, I never wanted to leave. I was told that maybe I should play "hard to get". I understand what they mean by that but I don't want to start playing singles games. It doesn't seem right to me. But this is my first time through this, so I don't know. I'm scared about rejecting her in any way. I don't want to cause any resentment that could damage us further. I want to make all the right decisions. Obviously.<br>I've started a search for a counselor for us. The fact that she is willing to go back to counseling with me is very encouraging.<p>Thank you all again.<br>I hope that you all have a wonderful holiday!<p>Greg

Greg,<p>You're a heckuva guy for what you're doing. I'm about to go to Ohio to see my folks next Tuesday. Boys are going, wife isn't. We'll be gone for a almost a week. When I get back that's when I'm supposed to do what you're doing.<br>I'm hoping she changes her mind while we're going, but I'm not really expecting that to happen. With this emotional wall business changes seem to happen at the speed of a moving glacier.<br>Reading your experience is encouraging, and I really appreciate your recording it. I hope with all my heart for a good issue out of this for you. From the way it sounds I don't see why it shouldn't. Take care of yourself.

Greg, obviously, this is your life and you must do whatever it is you feel is right. But, since you asked, I'll give you my opinion, which is based on my own feelings and some feedback I've had from other people here and elsewhere.<p>Your wife is the one who asked for the separation, right? Well, since you don't really want it yourself, maybe you should play by her rules... at least for a while. Set yourself a timetable - if you can deal with the quasi-separation she's making this into for three months, set that date as when you will "put up" with it and then after that date, make it clear to her that it cannot go on this way any longer - in a kind and loving way, tell her that you love her and that you do not want to hurt her in any way, but that you can no longer endure the lifestyle she has set for you. Tell her that you will have to sever contact with her and begin a real separation. Let her know that if she changes her mind about being separated, she can contact you and let you know she wants to really work on the relationship as husband and wife And then, you will have to stick to that.<p>This type of approach is described in "How to Get Your Lover Back" (I forget the author, but if you do a search for that book title here you will find posts containing all of that info ... or search on Amazon.com or one of the other book store websites). Be loving for as long as you can do it, follow her rules for as long as you can, and then, if you can't do it anymore, tell her and make the split a complete one (short of divorce, unless that is where you are at that point).<p>Hope this helps!<br>terri (posting from work)