We've been together for about 17 years and have three children. I've known something was wrong for the last 5 or so. He found every reason imaginable to not be in the home. He kept himself busy with work, volunteer efforts, social activities ("with the guys"), etc. Throughout this time I have been the picture of supportiveness and never attempted to "reign him in" for fear of pushing him away further. <p>Three months ago he began seeing a psychologist because he wasn't happy and couldn't make himself be happy. <p>Eight weeks ago I read a Martial Satisfaction Survey he did for the therapist. I needed answers; we weren't communicating and I looked for and found it before he turned it in. I found out that he had been unfaithful (though when asked, he denied it at the time), he was not committed to our marriage and if it weren't for fear of hurting me he would have left. It was devastating and five days later I began seeing a therapist myself. A week later I admitted to him that I had read it. <p>Three weeks ago he went out of town for a week. The day he left I found proof of infidelity in the form of letters typed to the OW after their break-up (which were never sent - probably never meant to be sent). They had been having an affair for two years before they broke up last spring which was obviously traumatic for him.<p>A week after he returned, I made arrangements for the children to be out of the house for the night and confronted him with the information I had. It was a good thing.<p>But I found out that things are never as simple as they seem. I learned that he has not been happy since before we were married. That our marriage was apparently an attempt to gain happiness; that he believed that he could come to love me the way I love him (absolutely and completely). But he never did and for the past eight years or so it's been tearing him up. He says he loves me and I believe him, but he says that there is something keeping him from accepting and returning the love I have for him. That he feels undeserving of the love I have for him. He is angry most of the time and he has a very difficult time dealing with the children (who are suffering the effects of all this as well).<p>I cannot bring myself to be angry about the affairs (two). I took finding that out surprisingly better than I took reading the survey. Maybe because I "knew". I also believe that the affairs were more failed attempts to find happiness. And, I still want him.<p>Now I'm scared. I have been with him for more than half my life and the prospect of life without him raising three children is one that terrifies me. I can tell myself all day long that I will be okay (I've got a good job and he would never avoid child support). I have allowed myself to become so attached to him that sometimes I feel like half my soul is being ripped away.<p>There's no question that he is depressed. He is still here, but it's difficult for him. He is seeing the therapist weekly now. I am terrified at the prospect of him leaving, but I let him know that I love him enough to let him go if that is what it will take (though I don't believe it would make him any happier - and I don't think he does, either). He refuses to discuss visiting a psychiatrist for medication, which at this point I believe would be a great benefit.<p>I am finding it diffucult not to "smother" him (something he can't stand). I've got that maternal instinct that requires me to "fix", and he recoils from it. I don't know how to react. If I withdraw, he'll take that as my "giving up" on him, which he says he has not and doesn't want me to. If I try to help, I'm "smothering" or trying to "fix" him.<p>I know that by each of us going to therapy we are doing what we should. I understand that he has to be okay with himself before we can go to counseling together. He will now answer any question I have and the wall he had built around himself seems to be gone. <br>I guess what I'm doing here is looking for support from others who have been where I am. I need to know that we will get through this okay. His therapist said he wanted to get caught; that he's been this way since before we married; that this is a common occurrence and that we have a 50-50 chance of surviving it together.<p>The feeling of helplessness and being powerless to do anything is very hard for me. I didn't do anything wrong; I did everything right (just ask him) but the entire foundation of my life has crumbled and to know that it was a lie to begin with is devestating.<br><p>[This message has been edited by Patient (edited 11-15-98).]

I am sorry to hear of your situation. I really do't have much advice for you. But want you to know that you should come here often, you'll gain a lot of insight in the candid converstaions had here. The subject of depression has been discussed. It is great that you are seeing therapists. Your husband doesn't have to go to a psychologist for meds, he can get them from his family dr. (not that it sounds like he'd do that either). As people have told me, take care of yourself. Since he is going through such a long term depression you have surely suffered and need to work on keeping yourself mentally healthy. Good luck and please come back to discuss this further.

Patient,<p>It is so easy to lose yourself when you are living with a spouse who suffers from depression. You can't help him unless you yourself are strong. Find things to keep you up. Find a hobby or some good friends that make you laugh. Also realize that you can not fix him. Nor have you failed because he suffers from this. You are not to blame. Take care of you. I've said much on this subject so read through past post. You can make it. My prayers are with you.<p>Steph

Thank you. I needed to read that. Support really does help and I will continue visiting this site daily. The anonymity this forum provides enables one to express oneself without fear. It's one thing to know what you need to do; it's another to be able to do it. I refuse to give up; my family is my life. I know we need to give us time, but how much time we we need - without putting a time limit on it? I've been told many times that I have the "patience of a saint" (hence the user name). I'm afraid, however, that between this and a child with ADHD my patience is going to be tested to the limit. Your prayers are welcome; they and my own are about all I have at this point. That and hope - because he is still here. And your kind words and prayers really do help. Despite what could probably be deemed an "unhealthy attachment", I DO love him. I really do. Thank you.

patient,<br> l can relate to everything you are going through. There has been a few other threads on depression,but l never posted on them before but l am trying to get more active on the board lately hoping to find the answers or insight that so many here seem to have. l know that my H is depressed too and has been since way before we were married due to an abusive childhood.(his sisters say he has been depressed since he was about 8) l also know how hard it is for the men to admit to this and seek help for it. At one point l thought my H might finally be really thinking of trying to get meds,but then he took a backslide and went back to saying there is nothing wrong with him. l truly believe he wants help but is so afraid of what he might find. Currently l am on meds and feel like my old self again and that is why l wish so much he would at least try them. My depression was more due to our relationship and his affair,but l also went through 6 yrs of infertility that l never shared with anyone so l think l began to get depressed back then. l have also recently been diagnosed with ADD and have a 5 yo son with ADHD,so as you can see l live among the same chaos you do!LOL! l have no answers except for agreeing with the others and take care of yourself,but l just wanted you to know that l was right there with you with all the fears about raising the kids alone, feeling like the past 16 yrs might just be a lie,etc.Mine also doesn't think he loves me anymore or can the way he should and says maybe he married me to find happiness too,but feels this just isn't what he wants out of life and says he has felt like that for the past five yrs but only finally faced it now after his yr long tour in Korea where he fell in love with someone else and she is what made him see the light and also saw he could live without us.l know how you feel and l am here if you need to vent.<br>ali