How do I get the love back that I once had for my husband? He is a good guy and we have begun counciling. I am doing it cuz it is the right thing to do. He was unwilling at first, but I was ready to take a vacation by myself so he consented. I don't believe in divorice and so I want to resolve in our 15 year old marriage what has destroyed our love. I need more desire, otherwise I am concerned we are wasting our time at counciling. Where do I get the "want to" love. I don't hate him, I just don't like him, nor want to be around him. I guess I can pray for the desire. But I suppose I have an emotional block to not want him to get too close or for me to be vulnerable. We are both wounded from 15 years of not knowing how to solve conflicts properly. We are working on that. But I need help in the want-to love him and do good for him. Right now I just don't care.

judie, the fact that you're here asking the question shows that you do, indeed, care. I would suggest reading ... there are lots of relationship books out there - some of the best are sold right here at this website. For your purposes, I would suggest "Give and Take" and "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Harley. Another good book is "Divorce Busting" by Michele Weiner-Davis. And one more that helps a lot is "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.<p>You have the "want-to" - you just need the "how-to" and it should come ... maybe not quickly or easily, but it will come...<p>Hope this helps.<p>terri

Judie, <br>I can totally relate to what you are saying. My relationship is in the same spot as yours. I've asked her in the past to go to counciling with me, but she didn't want to go & said she thought we could work things out. I told her that she needs to talk to me & let me know what's going on inside. I can't fix things I don't know that's broken. I just wanted to tend to her needs & as she was coming around we could both work on US. This was early summer. She hasn't opened up to work on the relationship & a couple of weeks ago I (mistake or not) told her if we aren't any better then than now I'll be packing.<p>I wish I didn't say that because, why should I have to go. She's the one not happy. I've been Mr. Mom & fulltime student for 2 years going spring summer & fall while she's been successful with her career. The kids & I have never been so close and my heart crumbles knowing SOMEONE is gonna be gone leaving at the end of spring semester.<p>At times she's nice to me & I think we have a chance & most other times it's cold...... example. Yesterday I did some remodeling- framed, drywalled and taped off a doorway and it's totally preped to be painted, next I created (free of charge) a Christmas Party invitation for her work and had to print out 600 copies so she could get them mailed. They always throw a big "shindig" at one of the casinos here in Reno every year. (I go to school for graphic design & destop publishing), mopped the floors, did all the laundry & dishes, dusted, vacuumed, cooked & fed the kids dinner, dishes again and was done before she got home from work about 6pm. <p>CHRIST, I need a mate like that!!!!!!!!!<p>I never acted like I expected an "I love you" or "thank you honey for doing the invitations". I mean hell, a thank you is just common courtisy (spelling isn't the issue =p) but like I said, I expected nothing. <br>Expected nothing is exactly what I got. Not 1 thank you, not mentioning, no I love you's either.<p>I don't know, but if ya figure it out, I sure would like to know what ya came up with maybe it'll help us. =-/ <p>Chance

Thank you terri for your reply. I ordered "Love Busters" and "5 Steps to Romantic Love" workbook. I also ordered "Give & Take" and "Divorice Busters" from our library.<p>As for you chance, have you read any of those books? I think marriage is the hardest thing we will ever do. Especially when we haven't had good role models. It is a lot to figure out! But 13 years ago I had a picture (and that is what I hang on to) of the kind of relationship God intended for marriage. Sadly we have gone so far off of the path. But I know, properly cultivated it can be the MOST rewarding of relationships. That is what I want. <p>At this point though cuz I don't care, it is real hard for me to show appreciation for anything he may do for me. I can't even say I love you. I think I am also afraid to show him much encouragement because I don't want him to quit trying. But it isn't the 'doing' for me that I want. I want an emotional safe place. Then I will be able to open up like a beautiful flower.<p>You don't have to leave in the spring. You could appologize for making a mistake in saying what you did about leaving... How long have you been married? <p>My husband has asked me for years what was wrong. I did not know the answer. I have finally figured out part of it, that is that there is no intimacy. People have a deep desire to know and to be known. It was the encouragement of another friend that got me to seek out couciling. It's like 'why continue like this?' Either do something constructive or forget it all. Why just 'hang in there'? <p>Intimacy is a toughy cuz without feeling safe and protected it won't be there. Intimacy with my husband is long gone along with my love for him or any passion. Its all gone. But I do hope by the grace of God it will return. That is my only hope. Cuz I know that is God's desire too, that we not divorice.<p>[This message has been edited by judie (edited 11-20-98).]

Marriage is not easy is it?<p>Three weeks ago I handed my wife a letter telling her I was leaving. Then I went into my brothers to get drunk. I have been married for 19 years and my brother for 27 I think. <p>As we discussed and re-disscused my problems, my brother kept coming back to the same question. After two bottles of rum and about 16 hours later I finally "heard" the question. He kept asking me "what is the goal"? That is a powerful question. I promised 19 years ago till death do us part. That, along with she is the mother of my children and a good women I figured what is to gain by leaving. We have some bad history together but lots of good as well. Marriage is not all good and neither will the next marriage. I came to realize the goal is to stay together. We are worth it. I thought when I was younger that she was the woman I wanted to grow old with. I need to find that again. <p>We sat down and decided to fight. To fight about what the kids are doing. To fight about the bills, to fight about everything. To fight for our marriage. We have for so long just buried everything and not delt with things. We are now taking a very planned approach to fueding about just about everything. We are finding that we are starting to laugh and have fun even during our arguements. I am starting to feel better every day and I think she is to.<p>Sit with your spouse and get the commitment that your marriage is worth it and then do not lose sight of the goal.<p>I hope my rambling gives you a thread of hope. That may be all it really needs to get things started again for you.<p>Best of Luck<p>Mike

Mike, you just gave a very interesting example, I think, of spouses moving from the State of Withdrawal to the State of Conflict on the way back to the State of Intimacy. This is described in Dr. Harley's writings.<p>Some of the only information I've gotten from my H since he told me he was leaving (two months ago - he just left yesterday) has been during heated discussions ... conflict. Some of the only advances we've made together have come from these "conflicts." Having forced him to come out of Withdrawal into Conflict. He's been in Withdrawal for a couple of years, since his affair started, for sure.<p>That doesn't mean fight for the sake of it ... have goals, know what you want to say. Have support for your views...<p>Hope this made some sense ...<p>terri

terri, do you remember which book you read that in? I AM the one in withdrawal. We did have a fight the other day and I got mad which I rarely do. I told him one of the things I can't stand about him (his lying)and he thanked me. But I hated doing it. I haven't had an affair or anything. My reason for withdrawaling is I HATE to fight, it seems so hurtful when things are said in a fit of anger. I would rather not be on the receiving end of that. Yes, it is self-protection, but I have learned that a gentle answer turns away wrath. So maybe I have done that to an extreem.<p>Maybe someday through some creative fighting, conflict resolution or whatever it is called, I hope we can laugh about some of our foolishness, cuz thats what it is. People look so foolish when they fight. But I suppose they look just as bad when they hold it in sometimes turning bittter. Oohh, ick.

My husband is in withdrawal for the most part, too... He is one who holds it all inside. And he's having an affair and feels that he doesn't love me anymore and moved out on Monday evening. You judge which is better ... fight or flight.<p>As for which book, I believe it is mentioned in both "Surviving an Affair" by Drs. Harley and Chalmers and "Give and Take" by Dr. Harley. I know it is also mentioned on this website and is probably mentioned in the "Love Busters" book as well. Look for mention of the "3 stages" or "3 states" of marriage.<p>terri

Judy, <br>We've been or will be married 9 years this saturday, the 21st. One of my kids will be sleeping over at a friends house (what timing!) and I think I may have to figure out something for for my other. I'm really hoping we can just open up and give it OUR ALL, or should I not bring it up & just try to enjoy the evening? I'll just have to ask her that and play it by ear. Maybe she'll agree to go counciling too. Time will tell!<br>chance

Chance, I am looking forward to reading about the stages of marriage in "Give & Take". Because if I recall correctly, I have felt this way for many years. I believe love is a decision, and sometimes it is. I have kept choosing it for many years thinking things would get better. But instead, my feelings have dissappeared even more. I should have been reading "Love Busters" to avoid the pit falls and traps that we have so "naturally" fallen in to. <p>It took us several years to get to this miserable spot. So I expect it will take us some time to come out of it, short of a miracle. Do you know how long your wife has been there? When did she first start feeling a lack of love? The other night for the first time in eons my H asked me what spoke to my heart from a bible study I'd gone to. He said he has been asking (but I haven't heard him!). Maybe, maybe not, who knows or who cares at this point. The point is he cared enough to ask me what touched my heart. To me that is intimacy, sharing hearts in a safe enviroment. I heard a really good defination of intimacy: into-me-see. With that I think the romantic (emotional and physical) feelings will come back, providing we get rid of the love busters.<br>Judie

That's the spirit, Judie! I wish you and your H the best ... keep reading and working and you'll be ok!<p>terri (posting from work)

Judie<br>She's been feeling like this for about 2 years. She brought it to my attention then & that is when I started to give some space. She just kept it inside, instead of telling me anything at all to help matters. At least now we are talking more, and are able to touch on some things briefly.<br>Today is our ninth wedding anniversary, and this morning she didn't want to make love. It hurt my feelings deeply. Rather than saying anything and putting my foot in my mouth, I went out to the living room. A few minutes later she came out and sat with me lookin like she had her defences up - ready for a fight or something. I'm not sure what it was & wasn't gonna assume. I told her before anything was said, "I wasn't mad when I came out here. The reason was so I didn't run my mouth and make you angry." then I smiled, even though it hurt. *sigh* <br>I guess it was an exceptable reply seeing her attitude changed, but it doesn't help the physical aspect. I just dunno!<br>chance