Here's the latest news.<P>After the fiasco with the fed ex wrong guy, I found out that she has left for a vacation with the OM.<P>HOW CAN THESE SPOUSES GO ON VACATION WHILE STILL MARRIED?????????????????????????????<BR>I dont get that at all, and it is eating me alive. <P>Even though I know there is no hope of reconciliation. Even though I know I am better off without her, this latest in the line of betrayels is killing me.<P>How can she take off on a vacation with this jerk, when she is still married to me? Can't they even wait till the body is cold?<P>How long does it take for the pain to ease?<P>How long before my stomach quits churning?<P>How long before I can go more that 15 minutes without having an anxiety attack?<P>Ben

Ben, <BR>Unfortunately you are just starting this rollercoaster. You will have really bad days, some good, and a lot of indecision in between. <BR>The affair will most likely die. It may take a while, but the statistics show that once exposed, they are usually over within two yrs. Some much shorter. <BR>Do you still love your wife? Then if you are wiling to put in the effort, you may be able to save the marriage. It is not easy, it can be truly painful, but there is hope if you want to. <BR>If yo uare sure you want it to be over, then I suggest you still give it a while. Our ideas and thoughts can change, and you would not want to do anyting spur of the moment or impulsive right now. <BR>I know you want the pain to stop. I know how much it hurts.Keep posting and venting here, We all understand. But first take care of yourself and do some reading on this site. I suggest the book, "Surviving an Affair". If you can follow the plan there, you have a chance to save your marriage. If it doesn't work, at least you can go on without regrets. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Ben,<BR> Yeah,I know,how can they be so d@mn insensitive? But,remember,most affairs have that attitude of"You weren't meeting my needs,so I'll just be with someone who is."<P> My W took off with her BoyToy to Mexico to party with him,after 22 years of marriage to me.<BR> She was showing him off to her family,and then moved in with him....while we are still married.<P> I know just how you feel. <BR> <BR> Do the best you can to take care of yourself right now.<BR>Don't let it eat you up,it's out of your control.<BR>Keep venting.....<P> ~~Murph<BR>

Ben,<P>It takes a long time for the pain to ease. Until you are even sure if you want to save the marriage or go for divorce, you will be on an even worse roller coaster.<P>This is still all very new, don't make any harsh decisions til you are thinking a little more clearly . (Chasing the fed ex guy is not thinking clear) <P>Once you can decide which option you choose, you can start to work on helping yourself too. If you are opting to save your marriage, read some of NSR or Chris's posts. Two examples of people who know what your going thru and are fighting til the end.<P>If you decide that you may just want divorce, then it takes a lot of hard work to try to let go little by little. Its not healthy to be bitter , angry or let this eat you up. <P>But I was at that place once too. I was literally sick over it, I couldn't eat, sleep or hold food down for 6 weeks. Once I decided to let go, accept what was ultimately happening in my situation, was when I was able to lose some of the constant agony.<P>If you read some of my earliest posts under "lonelymom", you'll find that my ex left me on XMAS day, took her on OUR vacations, stold our tax money, called me during their "love sessions", wouldn't give me support, you name it, he did it.<P>Guess what Ben, Its been 7 months since Xmas, and I'm not miserable anymore. I had no choice but to accept the divorce, and I recently let go of the whole thing and forgave ex. Not for him, but for me. Ultimately, I'm a good person and was a wonderful wife, not perfect wife, but I did my best and now its his loss. <P>You have a long way to go, many more ups and downs, I still have ups and downs, I'm even down right now, not over the ex, or the marriage, but over other issues.<P>Know that if you try your hardest to be strong, to believe that you deserve better,and to have faith that you can get thru this, it will get better.<P>Keep posting. Read other's posts and reply to them, even if its only to offer some support. You'll find a lot of comfort here.<P>Dana<BR>

Ben,<P>Try to reply to your threads, it lets us know what is going on....almost like a conversation...know what I mean.<P>In order to get through the pain I had to surrender to the fact that my W left. With surrender comes acceptance. After I did that I focussed on the present and the future with out her. That helps get through the resentment. And I just had to sweat the time ubtil the feelings started to ease.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

Thank you.<P>It has been a month today, since she walked out. It seems like it was yesterday. I keep having these waking dreams early in the morning that she has come home.....this pain at times seems unbearable.<P>She has demanded the divorce.......I have little choice, and to keep from loosing everything have had to go along with her. It is already filed.<P>Then there is GOD.....last night I prayed outside under the stars.....I asked for a sign.....a concrete sign of whether there was any hope or whether I just needed to pick myself up and go on with my left.......the answer was a very definate......NO>>>>>there is no chance......go on with your life.<P>Of course.....I cried.....and cried.....<P>I cannot believe I am at this place in this point in my life.......I never thought this would happen to us. I loved her so much.....still do.......this is so wrong.<P>Ben

Ben,<BR>The bad news is that it takes a long time, I have been divorced for 6 months now and still have moments of pain wondering just what happened.<P>My x left last July and within 4 weeks had a joint checking account with om. I still haven't figured out they got the checks printed that fast! <P>So it is a long and painful ride. You MUST find a safe way to deal with this(avoid drugs and alcohol). Counseling and friends are the best choices. We are here to help too.<P>God Bless,<P>Bob

Ben,<BR>I have experienced incredible emotional pain <BR>also.Not only for what my H has done to me,but also realizing that I was not a good wife,and thatI have regrets about my not meeting H emotional needs.(I tried after I found out he was unhappy,but it was to late).<BR>This forum has been a lifeline to me.Friends and family cannot understand what we have been through,even tho I continue to reach out to them.I see you post often,that is good,it is obvious that you still love your wife,have you read "surviving an affair"? <BR>bethn

Ben - the pain lasts a long time. It's worse some days than others but, sometimes, and the frequency increases, there is also joy. And the joy - and peace - increases in frequency and intensity.<P>If you don't have a therapist or counselor, I recommend one. Sometimes they can help you find ways to heal your marriage. And sometimes, when that doesn't work, they help you heal your heart. Mine was very good at helping me see that I wasn't perfect but that I didn't cause the disaster. It would not hve mattered what I had done, my x would have had his MLC.<P>I spent a lot of time praying. And a lot of time yelling at God. I'd yell so hard that my throat would be sore for a couple of days. He never did rescue me. He never did fix my marriage. But He gave me the strength to survive, to work on myself, and to come through it all a better woman. In fact, if I get any stronger, I'll be a serious force to be reckoned with.<P>Still, I struggle sometimes. 5 years and 2 days ago, x left. 20 months ago, we finally got the divorce. I still have some anger. Probably always will. Who wouldn't.<P>I have a friend who is a singer/songwriter (in Nashville, this is not unusual) who wrote a song with a line I love - there's still one last cloud that just won't rain. She says more people have commented on that line than on any line she's ever written. I think that hits the nail on the head. I think the entire ordeal leaves you slightly wounded but it is, truly, survivable. <P>Thank goodness for God, friends, any my therapist.<P>If I can get through this, you can.

Ben,<BR> <BR>In my case, I went right into plan B, having no choice, because my ex would not talk to me at all.. even until this day.. he left Nov, (thanks giving day) 98.. I was so in denial, and thought that perhaps he was going to come around to seeing he was so wrong and made the bigest mistake of his life.. never did though..<P>I am going through a second time around of a spout of asking my self why why why, and what was it,that lead him to think that we couldn`t have made it, what was it that I did or said or perhaps not said or did that was so terrible.. we all have our faults.. we all learn as we go along, trying to live our lives to the fullest, missing the points of what the other may need or want.. time passesquickly that sometimes there is not enough time to do or get out all you need to, in order to fix! what we both have caused.. or one (obviously) lost the will to even try.. being there is an OW.. why would he.. his needs are now being filled and they all will no longer work on the marraige having some one to turn to.. they have to play out thier games in order to see and face just exactly what they did to us, as a family.. and some times they never see straight, ever again.. they want to live in the fantasy.. they want the natural human dream we all want.. that lust, that wonderful feeling in the beginnig, that we all loved and wished never went away.. (well mine never did.. I still (stupidly) love this man, as much as I did form the very first day..) <P>(If you ever saw the movie splash.. when tom hanks walks into the room, the mermaid, (forgot her name) was in, at the bottom of the tank.. and she sees him and her heart beat is going wild with love for him, well thats me..)thats how I feel each and ever time I even think of this man... why.. because I do love him, and I took a vow, and meant every word of those vows.. this is who I am.. faithful and dedicated.. but obvioulsy not him.. I am his second marraige.. (should have been a hint!) and thought with me he was going to shine right on through.. my mom told me, you can`t change a tigers strips.. well this is so true.. <P><BR>we were together for 12 yrs.. have a beautiful daughter (12 yrs old) and were on our way to better days, ahead.. with her growing older.. the days I so looked forward to.. his retirment yrs.. <P>now some one else gets to share that time with him, and I still drive my self nuts as to why... <P>I am my wourst enemy.. we all do it to our selves.. we did not want this, nor did we choose this, so being they did, they can walk around feeling free.. feeling that closure they obviously (think) they want..<P>I know I`m a good person, and was not the perfect wife.. and neither was he the perfect husband.. (this just proves that much) it is a matter of faith, trust, will power and courage.. but the most important is something I really never had between us, and that was good communication. he was and always will be the professional avoider.. and thats that.. <P>I still hurt a bit each and every day.. something becomes a reminder of our time together.. weather it be a song, or somewhere the daughter and I go, alot of thing.. the point is.. we are all always going to have that place in our hearts that won`t completely heal.. I feel I am scarred for life.. being he was the one and (so far) only man I turely loved.. my heart is a open wound now, and it still feels as though it is internally bleeding.. <P>I can`t say I`m any better (yet) then the very first day he left.. this is who I am and what I feel (right now) but it is only 20 mths.. and hopfully in a few yrs.. when time has allowed me to feel a bit better, I will find that speical some one ELSE that will let me totally into his heart... and be that great communicater I so now look for... <P>lots of luck Ben.. better days are comeing.!<P>AV

Ben,<P>I counted the months right up until month 6. One month I was at a wedding and forgot on the exact date of the 25th. I'm going into month 8, and it is getting easier.<P>I decided to stop counting at month 6 and start looking ahead rather than behind. Since then I've been feeing much better. <P>You will too one day. If you haven't yet read , "rebuilding when the relationship ends", its a great place to start understanding that your feelings are ok and normal.<P>Good luck, and prayers,Dana<BR>

Dear Ben,<BR> Ouch!!!! Gotta Hurt!!!! For myself I found that the pain was there as long as I let it be. It stopped when I stopped resisting the underlying hurt that was there before my husband & I ever got together. When I accepted my 100% in our marriage the good the bad & the ugly & got help & healing for myself I got better. I still feel sad & I don't want a divorce this is his choice. I assisted my husband through a 4 year degree he left when he graduated he had been saying for years he was leaving I couldn't ever get it right and out of my hurt & pain I did not always show him love. I'll share a site that helped me heal my heart. <A HREF="http://www.billferguson.com." TARGET=_blank>www.billferguson.com.</A> Not to take away from Dr. H it really is the same acceptence surender etc. I wish you peace of mind & healing for your own heart. Contact me any time I'll share with you.<P>------------------<BR>Gypsy

Thanks everyone for their support, am posting new thread, as mind boggling new information has surfaced once again.<P>Please see:<P>Drugs, Lies, & addiction...what next?<P>Ben